Just realized it’s BPD

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Well, have been thinking I was crazy based on the last two years of marriage, and the crazy things that I’ve seen and experienced. During a therapy session yesterday it was brought to my attention that the things I was experiencing from my wife were very consistent with someone who is struggling with BPD. Since that appointment, I’ve been doing nothing but reading about it, and looking at the symptoms and her symptoms line up with 7-8 of the nine that I’ve been reading about. I’ve been seriously considering divorce for the last two weeks and after finding this out I know that I need to get out of this. Some crazy stuff has happened over the last two weeks including threatening behavior. she’s begging me to try and work things out, and I have no idea how to navigate this with someone who does not see things as most of the rest of the world sees them. Dealing with OCD behaviors and narcissistic tendencies from her as well. Any advice on how to navigate this?

[elmtree]

Well, have been thinking I was crazy based on the last two years of marriage, and the crazy things that I’ve seen and experienced. During a therapy session yesterday it was brought to my attention that the things I was experiencing from my wife were very consistent with someone who is struggling with BPD. Since that appointment, I’ve been doing nothing but reading about it, and looking at the symptoms and her symptoms line up with 7-8 of the nine that I’ve been reading about. I’ve been seriously considering divorce for the last two weeks and after finding this out I know that I need to get out of this. Some crazy stuff has happened over the last two weeks including threatening behavior. she’s begging me to try and work things out, and I have no idea how to navigate this with someone who does not see things as most of the rest of the world sees them. Dealing with OCD behaviors and narcissistic tendencies from her as well. Any advice on how to navigate this?

[Cat Familiar]

I’m wondering how long you’ve been married.

It seems the standard BPD relationship/commitment/marriage story is one of a fairytale love, then a nightmare—who the hell is this person that I’ve joined with?

The reality is that at the outset, our BPD partner has been mirroring us, showing us their best side (and who doesn’t do this at the beginning of a relationship?) Then, once they’re feeling comfortable and you are as dependable as an old slipper, a different side of their personality emerges.

This is disorienting and disappointing when we realize that this *perfect relationship* is anything but.

The next phase often happens when conflict occurs and they become uncertain about your love (commitment)—then there is the possible reemergence of the *honeymoon phase* and the concordant sense of self doubt we feel, thinking perhaps we were being too harsh, too judgmental, and our beloved has returned.

With time, we realize that our partner is multidimensional in ways we hadn’t expected at the beginning—and that the *difficult* side of them can make a frequent appearance.

At this point, accepting the *what is* we can either decide that this is not the life we want to live or that perhaps we can share a life with this person, granted that we make accommodations.

It’s a decision point that each individual must make for themselves.

[elmtree]

We’ve only been married for 2 years.  We live in Michigan, and she’s been in Florida for the last two weeks because of a conflict we had. Was supposed to fly back Thursday morning, but I made the mistake of telling her I’m confused about her telling me I was the worst scum on earth, the most hateful words you can imagine just last week, but now she is texting saying ‘i love you’ and ‘why are you so hesitant to work on this?’ everyone in my life has been telling me to leave, but it leaves me feeling guilt. i am saddened by losing what should be my best friend and the love of my life.  I texted her last night saying that I’m filing for divorce today.  i have been starting to feel like im crazy.. like im going insane, and keep questioning myself wondering if im totally misreading everything. my therapist i started seeing has assured me im not causing the problem, but this hurts so much. she is such a beautiful, smart, and creative person. 

[Cat Familiar]

I made the mistake of telling her I’m confused about her telling me I was the worst scum on earth, the most hateful words you can imagine just last week

Is that really a *mistake* to express how you truly felt about being verbally abused?

now she is texting saying ‘i love you’ and ‘why are you so hesitant to work on this?’

This is the typical part of the cycle when the person with BPD realizes that they’ve gone too far and behaved in a destructive way, and are hoping to draw you back in.

everyone in my life has been telling me to leave, but it leaves me feeling guilt. i am saddened by losing what should be my best friend and the love of my life.  I texted her last night saying that I’m filing for divorce today.

There’s a lot to grieve. You are in the process of letting go of the idealized version of her with whom you fell in love. It’s very painful to realize that that person never really fully existed, other than for a very short time, and that you fell in love with an illusion.
 

i have been starting to feel like im crazy.. like im going insane, and keep questioning myself wondering if im totally misreading everything. my therapist i started seeing has assured me im not causing the problem, but this hurts so much. she is such a beautiful, smart, and creative person. 

It’s a huge blow to our confidence to realize that we were fooled into believing a fantasy. The upside to this is that we were trusting and sincere in our love and wanted to forgive and support our partners through their difficulties. Unfortunately these people are mentally ill, some more than others, and these patterns we see will continue to plague us (and them) throughout our lives if we stay the course.

[scraps66]

After my "a ha" moment of discovering BPD, it was around the time I first talked to a L and slightly before our now S16 was born I think.  I read everything I could, probably too much.  I spent a lot of time reading, which was my validation that there was something dangerously wrong with ex - despite the fact that she had been blaming and distorting stories that I was the problem.

In retrospect what I should have been doing more of was progressing and planning the legal phase.  Unfortunately my L at the time took a wait and see position and I was 1yr later from filing kicked out of the house.  Kicked out, paying the mortgage, and living somewhere else for 15 months.

What I'm saying, strike fast and with decisive force.  Work to be on top from the beginning and don't fall behind.

When my papers arrived home ex acted as if she didn't see them, didn't retrieve the mail. She went on for three weeks as if nothing was wrong.  And then I had to tell her which I didn't want to do.

The feeling crazy, or like you are to blame, that's just the affect of the FOG.

[elmtree]

I’ve read about the FOG and it’s real for sure. I’m thankful that we don’t have kids together that will be affected by this and I have a great support network of friends and family including my two daughters (21 and 25) that are motivating me to take back my life, and I’m looking forward to getting back to being a big part of their life.

One of the hardest things about this for me is that I can’t tell her what her condition is and she may never find out. And, she’ll never really understand why I had to leave. She’ll make stories in her mind about me being a terrible guy who abandoned her, but that will never help her. I really don’t care how I look in the court of public opinion with her family. I care more about the two daughters that are being hurt by all of this.

[ForeverDad]

You informed her you will divorce.  Be prepared for various attempts to sabotage your decision.  (This is not a time to be overly fair or overly nice, she won't truly reciprocate and court doesn't care whether or not you're overly fair or overly nice.)  Of course act decently and never nasty and be especially careful to protect yourself.

The most damaging sabotage is her in some way manipulating back into contact and managing to get pregnant ("oops! I forgot") and then you'd have an even more complicated divorce. and unable to avoid decades of future contact.

[elmtree]

She’s already trying to manipulate me into changing my mind. She’s making plans with neighbors and putting things on the calendar next month. She set up a marriage counseling. This is going to be extremely difficult. She’s asked more than once, if we’re still planning on going on a cruise in December. me staying firm, is going to cause her to see me as the most terrible person on earth. Unfortunately, instead of driving her away, it’s going to make her try even more to get me to stay.