How do you celebrate anniversaries?

[mitten]

So our wedding anniversary is coming up.  The last few years I've been somewhat dreading it because I feel like I have to say things to show our love and celebrate our marriage.  However it often feels hard to celebrate our marriage because my BPD wife is so disrespectful and moody all the time (although she is high functioning, and successful in her career).  I feel like we will soon be that couple that looks like they are miserable when they are out to dinner... we've all seen that couple. 

I definitely try not to lie by saying things like "you're my best friend, or you're the best thing that's ever happened to me".  So just curious what you say to your BPD significant other on anniversaries, birthdays, etc.  What do you write in that Hallmark card? 

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[maxsterling]

Excellent question, as I have faced the same.

I try to find a card that is honest and respectful and doesn't go into emotions that I don't feel or don't feel reciprocated.  I try to think about how to be nice and respectful to anyone despite how I have been treated and go that route.

Maybe diamond jewelry is not a good idea.  But a gift certificate to a massage or spa might be good.  Or look for something you mutually enjoy - concert, movie - something where you can both enjoy but not have to spend too much time talking.

Remember, pwBPD operate almost backwards to the rest of us.  For my W, she can say and do all kinds of horrible things to me, threaten to move out, yet still expect me to make it right to her - and think this is how normal couples operate.  On my end, all that negativity is a huge turn off - but she thinks it should be motivation for me to win her back, or prove how much I love her. 

But I do know one thing - I can kinda "Fake it" emotionally, but physically certain body parts don't work well (or at all) with stress or uncertainty. 

[EyesUp]

I found that a simple card, blank on the inside, in which you write something like "Happy Anniversary. Love, Mitten" can be hard to crit (though your wife might just find a way).

My uBPD exW once said "I didn't know we were still exchanging gifts" (as if there was ever a time when we didn't exchange gifts). This was her way to address the fact that there was no gift for me when I presented a gift to her...

I'm not sure there's a good answer here, although you might consider asking her what she'd like in advance (I know, that can backfire too).

[Outdorenthusiast]

Ooof - great question and I can acknowledge your frustration.  How do you celebrate when your heart doesn’t feel like celebrating?  I acknowledge that I struggle with trauma so being “lovey dovey” doesn’t feel natural to me at this stage.

Birthday’s- mentally I view her as a colleague and treat her with respect as any colleague.  It is ok to celebrate - but I don’t get romantic as in my heart it isn’t genuine.  I have emotionally detached as protection for my heart.

Anniversaries- this is harder for me.  Last year on our 25th it was a mess.  We had a big fight and went to bed in not a good place.  We actually just went to dinner on a different day to try to salvage and fake it.  Afterward, in the aftermath of that chaos it actually provided a unique opportunity for me to share how I felt after the dust settled, and she could reflect on her own.  Since then she has been religiously going to therapy.  

This year for our 26th anniversary in June I planned basically to do what I want and what she would accept.  This would ensure the evening wouldn’t be a waste for me like the prior year.  Mentally, I would plan on her melting down, or cancelling, or fighting.  I took an “indifferent” attitude.  So… I booked an amazing restaurant with a phenomenal view.  As expected - she melted down in tears and dissociated half way through dinner due to nothing I did wrong, but because she was triggered by something - however I had mentally prepared and didn’t care - I just validated feelings and enjoyed my dinner.  I enjoyed the view, the chef, and the high class drinks.  I then calmly paid the bill, drove her home and went to bed in my separate room in peace.  Several days later she apologized and used the experience as something to reference in her private therapy.  In therapy she came back and acknowledged to me that she had erroneously replaced me with her ex step-Dad in her head.  It was nothing I did.

Personally I have given up on writing “sweet nothings” as I don’t have the appropriate vocabulary to shower affections where they aren’t genuine.  I do buy flowers - but I can rationalize that as encouragement and being cordial.  I also compliment on appropriate actions to encourage repetition (I.e. I loved it when you did “X”)

I would be curious with others responses….

[Smedley Butler]

oh man, i'm glad i'm not the only one struggling with this.  the last two years my wife got me literally nothing, but i got her cards and wrote her a little note both of those years.  this year i decided to just say forget it, and do nothing, since that is what she has been doing.  she of course got me nothing as well.  about halfway through the day, she said "do you even remember that it's our anniversary?" as if it is solely my responsibility to celebrate and get any cards/gifts or make some kind of plans.  i just responded "yes" and then went about my day.  she didnt want to celebrate or give the day any kind of undue attention any more than i did, she just wanted to confirm that i DIDNT want to celebrate it.  ugh my marriage is so messed up.

[uncleflo]

Personally I have given up on writing “sweet nothings” as I don’t have the appropriate vocabulary to shower affections where they aren’t genuine.  I do buy flowers - but I can rationalize that as encouragement and being cordial.  I also compliment on appropriate actions to encourage repetition (I.e. I loved it when you did “X”)

This. This I very much relate to. Even though my wife just asked for a trial separation two weeks before our 21st, I had bought her a gift certificate for a 1 1/2-long massage with her favorite massage therapist. I already know that she'll eventually say, "Why didn't you get the two-hour massage? See. You don't love me," at some point. I also know she won't have gotten anything for me (never has) and will try to make me feel guilty for doing so for her (i.e. I've pointed out by being thoughtful how thoughtless she is). It's a lose-lose, and I'm just hoping I can have a nice meal and pass out with a full belly and a bit of wine. And I've written so many lovey-dovey things throughout the years that she forgot about seconds later that I've given up trying to be the iteration of whatever it is she's looking for moment-to-moment. I go into smiling robot mode in these types of moments, maybe as a defensive mechanism, or maybe because the disorder has trained me to follow the correct code to avoid meltdowns.

[uncleflo]

ugh my marriage is so messed up.

Mine too, Smedley. Mine too. I'm with you, my friend.

[Lenfan2]

Well timed. My anniversary, 29 years,  is Friday. I'll monitor this thread in case anyone comes up with a good idea. It's always a balancing act. Buy something expensive: I hope you didn't charge this. Do you have the money?  We need to save. Blah, Blah Blah. Big fight avoided only using JADE etc.   Buy something inexpensive/ simple: What? That's all. So and so's husband took her on a trip to Blah Blah Blah. Big fight avoided only using JADE etc. So exhausted at that point, that any fantasy of possibly maybe getting anniversary sex, squashed like a bug.

Like the rest of you no reciprocation on the gift front. "Anniversaries are for the wife." She actually said that. I too have given up on the mushy card stuff. I don't feel it so why bother? So, I go the through the motions with flowers, a small gift, a concert or something like that for a night out which we will both enjoy.  Just enough to "save face" for everyone.

[mitten]

This year for our 26th anniversary in June I planned basically to do what I want and what she would accept.  This would ensure the evening wouldn’t be a waste for me like the prior year.  

I do buy flowers - but I can rationalize that as encouragement and being cordial.  

I love these 2 things you pointed out.  I've started to use our anniversary as a celebration of the work I've done on myself and all that I've learned since finding out about BPD.  If I know my BPD wife will be triggered by whatever we do it might as be somewhere that I want to go.  So I now spend less time caring about what she wants (since this is impossible anyway) and more time planning what sounds good to me.  Last anniversary I took her to a nice cocktail lounge I've been wanting to go to (after a nice dinner).  I enjoyed a really good old fashioned and she had a glass of ice water.  At least I liked it and it was a cheap date!

Flowers is a relatively inexpensive way to check the box that you did something and didn't completely forget or ignore the day.  It's proof that you remembered if nothing else.  Make sure to take a picture of the bouquet!  haha. 

[mitten]

It's always a balancing act. Buy something expensive: I hope you didn't charge this. Do you have the money?  We need to save. Blah, Blah Blah. Big fight avoided only using JADE etc.   Buy something inexpensive/ simple: What? That's all.

My BPD wife buys herself whatever she wants when she wants it (usually at 1 am when she should be sleeping).  So it leaves very little left for me to buy her as gifts.  The thing that has worked well for me the last few years is to agree to purchase something big that we both want (a new TV, bike, exercise equipment etc, or the current "want" of the year).  There obviously always something big she wants and if I'm okay with it I will agree that it's our birthday present / father's day, mothers day and maybe even Christmas gift.  That way we don't have to blow additional money and stress on these special occasions. 

[mitten]

This. This I very much relate to. Even though my wife just asked for a trial separation two weeks before our 21st, I had bought her a gift certificate for a 1 1/2-long massage with her favorite massage therapist. I already know that she'll eventually say, "Why didn't you get the two-hour massage? See. You don't love me," at some point. I also know she won't have gotten anything for me (never has) and will try to make me feel guilty for doing so for her (i.e. I've pointed out by being thoughtful how thoughtless she is). It's a lose-lose, and I'm just hoping I can have a nice meal and pass out with a full belly and a bit of wine.

The massage thing is so on point!  I've been offering and asking her if she wants to go get a massage for the last few months.  She always says no.  Then the other day I asked her again... and she said "no, I booked my own massage for next month" as IF it's not something I wanted to do for her.  I ALMOST bought her a gift card to the fancy spa she picked as an anniversary gift, but then decided it was a bad idea, because she won't give me anything and this would probably trigger her. 

[Smedley Butler]

the gifts thing is a little "triggering" for me (i actually hate that word ) because this has gone on so long in my marriage.  my wife has, i have noticed over the years, really no interests or hobbies.  as such, she is virtually impossible to buy gifts for.  sometimes i get lucky and notice her or hear her mention a specific purse or some perfume or something she likes, but more often than not, i'm scrambling trying to figure out what in the wide world of sports to get her.  last year for her birthday i got her a nice pair of silver earrings that she promptly returned because she "doesnt wear silver" (news to me, but whatever).  her birthday is in two weeks and i have no clue what to get her. 

conversely, i have MANY hobbies and interests.  i have an old Jeep i tinker with.  i am big into woodworking.  i train jiu jitsu.  i am a huge reader.  i like backpacking and camping.  she could ask any one of my friends what a good gift idea for me would be (if she truly cant think of anything on her own) and they could all provide ten good ideas.  but she will sit there with a straight face and tell anyone who will listen that i am "impossible to buy gifts for" and seem to truly believe that.  no, the fact is that she just doesnt give enough of a sh about me to put more than five minutes of brainpower into thinking of something meaningful.  one time she got me a gift card to Dick's Sporting Goods.  a gift card.  purchased with the money that I EARNED as primary/(mostly) sole breadwinner.  so she basically gave me my own money and put a limitation on where i could spend it (got it, it's "our" money, but you get my point).  if there's one thing i DO NOT WANT from my wife, it is a f'ing gift card to a store i dont even shop at. 

and i KNOW she is capable of creative gift-buying because she does it for other people (her own family and friends), and she got me some super cool and creative gifts when we were dating and first married.  she just doesnt care anymore.

ugh.  rant over.

ETA - i really dont care about receiving gifts.  i can buy whatever i want on my own.  i just want a wife who gives a damn.

[maxsterling]

i just want a wife who gives a damn.

Probably true for all of us.  But I do wonder if they do give a damn.  I think my W and I have different definitions of what that means.  The best gift for me?  A day where I am not asked to solve her problems, listen to her complaints, or make decisions, leaving me to have time to take care of me.  Anything else would be icing.  If I took care of the kids and household stuff so she didn't have to do anything (this is most days, anyway), she would see that as me distracting myself with meaningless stuff and not giving a damn about her. 

Like your W, mine also does not have any hobbies or interests that she sticks with.  I have many.  I don't think she even understands what it means to have an interest in something else - it is beyond her universe.  Any hobby or interest of mine takes time away from her or the kids, and in her mind is selfish. 

[mitten]

Like your W, mine also does not have any hobbies or interests that she sticks with.  I have many.  I don't think she even understands what it means to have an interest in something else - it is beyond her universe.  Any hobby or interest of mine takes time away from her or the kids, and in her mind is selfish. 

YES!  I golf once a week in a league so she has to watch the kids from 6-10 pm.  They should be in bed by 9 so really should only be 3 hours.  She acts like I'm going on a week long hunting trip every week when I leave for this evening. 

And YES to her having NO hobbies.  I think she believes that her shopping for the hottest Instagram items is her hobby, and makes fashion a "hobby".  She looks down on me for trying to read a book or doing anything that takes time away from her. 

[Trying123]

Our anniversary was on Friday and  neither of us even realized it until about 5:00 at night…

[mitten]

Our anniversary was on Friday and  neither of us even realized it until about 5:00 at night…

Oh man, what were your reactions when you both realized it?  Who realized it first?