Now that S13 has a cell phone...

[Turkish]

This was last month. I was slumming it on a almost 7 years old phone, an S7, which was weak and I upgraded. Mommy gave him her old S10 which I activated under my plan. Of course, I was criticized for not cross-shopping, but I'm paying for it.

Our son gave me his password. I occasionally check his texts. Recently, his mom has been texting him her usual Anxiety-driven over-texting. His responses are one word. Even disrespectful, "stop. Leave me alone," in so many words, but shorter, as the kids do.

He's a good kid, no issues thus far, yet i see him for what he is, a 13yo boy. He's of course going to ignore her motivational, self-imorovement messages of which she's been on a kick for years. Our rare texts are short and business like. Maybe it's a dude thing and I'm not sympathetic to mom-son things, but he's not into it. The other week, she texted me asking if his phone was on because he didn't answer. He keeps it on silent and he was gaming with his friends. I did tell him to answer her. She expected instant answers... reminders of when I was in the r/s: Object Constancy?

The other day when she picked up the kids, our dog jumped up on her car as S13 was in the passenger seat and he gave the dog kisses. Mommy bemoaned, "why don't you kiss me like that?" I felt like quipping, "because it would be creepy?" He's a boy and his dog.  I don't think she gets it. I'll keep watching it on occasion, no need to ask him just yet (triangulation). He's old enough to handle his mom.

[Notwendy]

It's a teen age thing- they have to be able to pull away from parents in some way in order to establish their own identity. Sometimes, they push too far - they need to find their own balance. I recall my kids doing this- and then, as they matured, found a balance.


His not wanting to be affectionate with his mother is a boundary for him. It was important to me to respect these physical and emotional boundaries- so that they would know it's OK to have boundaries in a caring relationship.

If our job as parents is to meet our kids' needs, it helps us to manage our own feelings when kids do this- because it is sad to know that our kids don't want to be as affectionate as they did when they were little. I think this is difficult for parents with BPD for whom children may meet their emotional needs.

My kids don't feel comfortable around my BPD mother. This their own boundaries- their own "warning system" that this person isn't emotionally safe- and has poor boundaries. If we force them to override this - then we teach them to ignore their boundaries and this might them up for relationship issues later. So while I don't want my kids to be rude to BPD mother, I also don't force them to communicate with her more than they are comfortable doing.

It seems that what your son is doing is normal teen age behavior. It's good that he has you to help him navigate the relationship with his mother.

[AskingWhy]

It's good to hear that children keep their own boundaries with a parent.

My U BPD H was/is enmeshed with his two adult daughters.  With one, at age 19, the daughter sat on the sofa with her legs draped over her father's lap.  My H, when I pointed out how inappropriate this was, called me a "jealous b**ch," and said there was nothing wrong with it.

H was confiding his marital woes with me to his D.  She is married with two children.  The older child is likely autistic and everyone is in denial about it. 

[Turkish]

AW,

I'm not sure about the physical affection. D11 sometimes reaches in the car to hold my hand briefly. Today. I think it was because she was sick. We were returning from me taking them for Pho and we abandoned our plans to see a movie because she felt badly. Certainly, your husband sharing his marital woes were beyond the pale. I've heard things from the kids about their mom justifying why we broke up, like "Daddy and I fought a lot." We actually didn't...

I talked to S13 today. He told me things like his mom will text and ask him to hug his sister for her, to which I responded, "she doesn't know that you guys don't hug?" I encouraged him that it was OK to have boundaries, but he could also do that while being respectful.

[Notwendy]

As to affection, I think it's about the kids' boundaries. Some kids may like to be hugged and some may not.

I think you are doing the right thing Turkish- respect your son's  boundaries and expect him to treat people respectfully too.