32 year old daughter w/BPD is pregnant. High Risk Pregnancy wanting no support.

[Minga7270]

 My 32 year old daughter displayed BPD traits since she was a teen. At 22, she moved 1500 miles away. At 26, she received a BS in nursing. Thought the worst was over but it never really is. After 5 years dating the same guy, they bought a house in May, got married and she become pregnant which is what she always wanted.  He husband, who has Asperger's syndrome,  is a great provider but cannot offer any emotional support which she craves. She has no friends.  Her pregnancy is very high risk. Uncontrolled high blood pressure. A 3mm brain aneurysm was just discovered. Her heart rate is 180 bpm. Luckily, she is in a big city with top medical centers, doctors, and insurance.

She calls after the appointments to give us the doom and gloom. Her uncontrolled blood pressure may burst the aneurysm, the high heart rate, and cardiac arrhythmia can have a negative or possibly fatal impact on her and her baby.

She does not want my husband or me to fly to be with her, even though her husband doesn't take time off to go to the appointments. We have no access to her medical records by her choice. So we must rely on what she tells us.

Our dilemma:  Our daughter is very good at telling half truths which would lead us to draw the wrong conclusion. Are we only getting partial truths, now? Is this situation as bad as she portrays it?  Her doctors' want her to lay low and avoid stress. She was bedridden for a while. However, she insists on flying 1500 miles to come home for her bridal/baby shower on Sept 8th that she set up. She wanted to do it all. She did NOT want our help. Period. Other than her picking the date and venue, nothing been done. No food, no set-up, etc. for 100 family relatives.  The invites were just sent out this week. The event is less than 4 weeks. 

We do NOT feel comfortable having her come!  We'd be petrified the whole time for her and the baby. My daughter said her doctors approved of the trip if she flies and sits in a chair all day at the party.  If there is a crisis, we can get her to a small town hospital that would lack the expertise she needs. This seems too risky. 

Something just doesn't smell right, or is it me?. Would doctors approve a high risk pregnant mom in her 18th week to travel with such significant issues? Being cynical, my ugly thoughts are she just wants to get the presents because she never really cared for most of our relatives, anyways. They are not in need of gifts, their income is over $200k.

Just wondering how you would handle this situation?  Confused and at a loss.

PS As a side note, I'm living with metastatic breast cancer for 6 plus years. What she says to me about that at times would curl your toes. But my #1 priority will always be my daughter. 

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[kells76]

Hi Minga7270 and a warm welcome 

Sounds like you've ridden the BPD rollercoaster enough to be asking this question:

Our dilemma:  Our daughter is very good at telling half truths which would lead us to draw the wrong conclusion. Are we only getting partial truths, now? Is this situation as bad as she portrays it?

Many pwBPD feel most comfortable in a "victim" role or posture, where "things just happen to them", it's not their fault, they're not to blame, life is hardest on them, and so on. As pwBPD struggle to have real sense of being a self, many use external events to prop up their personhood -- if bad medical things happen to them, they are truly a victim (finally, an identity to have) and are to be given attention, support, care, etc.

Absent those kinds of things happening in their lives, they may, out of harmfully intense emotions that demand that they feel like a self, do whatever it takes to generate external events that confirm to them "yes, this is who I am -- a blameless victim of circumstances". And those external events may be generated verbally, from a grain of truth. The doctor took her blood pressure = "he thought I have the most dangerously high BP he's ever seen". The doctor did a routine blood draw = "she hinted that it could be cancer".

It would not surprise me to hear that a pwBPD would take routine medical comments and use any grain of truth to construct an extreme situation that funnels concern and attention towards her. Whether that's the case for your D or not, we don't know, and, like you said, because you have no access to her medical records, we likely won't know.

In fact, it may be helpful to steer energy away from "figuring out what is really going on" -- which is not very possible under these circumstances -- and towards "what do we really have control over". It must feel agonizing to know that an innocent child's life seems to be in the middle of all this chaos, and there is little you can do to protect the baby as it hasn't been born yet.

pwBPD often make high-risk choices about their lives. It is so hard to watch that happen. We don't have direct control over those high-risk choices, typically. We can control what we participate in, though.

It sounds like you are not hosting the shower -- that it's all something she put together?

It's a weird question, but do you want to go to the shower?

[Sancho]

Hi MInga7270
I was glad to come across your question

Something just doesn't smell right, or is it me?

because by the time I got to it, I was thinking something did not add up. I have discovered that when the dots don't join up for me, then there is something else going on. The other thing is that DD is a nurse and is knowledgeable about medical matters.

I think that BPD people move in and out of fantasy and the need for attention is very profound. I really cannot imagine a doctor clearing a pregnant woman with bp 180 and an aneurism to fly.

We can't be sure of course (would you be able to run it past your own doctor to see what they say?).

The bottom line is that even if it is the case there is very little you can do. My dd plans huge events when she is in a sort of 'manic'  phase - and I find it unbelievably stressful. I wonder if your dd will pull out all together as the day comes closer. Perhaps have a list of names and phone numbers handy.

You have so much to deal with in your own health issues and the stress of this will not be helpful for you. You are supporting your dd in every way that you can and that you are permitted to: you are there to listen to your dd so she has someone to 'unload' on.

My dd was adamant I was not to be involved at all when she was pregnant - she wanted her friends to support her. When labour started she asked me to be there. I took a back seat because the friends were there too. In the long run the friends went out because it was taking a while, and gd was born then!

Sometimes it's all we can do - step back and be there when/if they want to include us.

[Minga7270]

Dear Sancho,

I can easily see you have lived the life of having a daughter with BPD symptoms, too. The love, the hate, the ups, the downs, the push, the pulls.  And at the very ends, you were there for your daughter's delivery.  All her fair weather "friends" departed.  Yup. Not surprising at all. Same pattern different scenarios.

Thankfully, I have the invitees with addresses and phone number, just in case?? Supposedly, she has the approval of all her doctors to fly 1500 miles. She has her tickets.  The invites have been received by relatives.  So I guess I'll just have to wait and see.

Thank you for taking the time to respond to my "story".  This is a great site for feedback and insight.