Taking the kids from the USA to Mexico

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Today at the exchange:

"I'm sure that the kids told you that I'm taking them to Mexico next year."

"You're asking me to take them to Mexico."

"You've changed your mind about what age you'd let me take them so I'm taking them next year."

"You're asking me for permission. If I were going to take them to Australia, would I tell you, or ask you?"

"They're at the age you told me..."

Not quite (11 and S will be just 14), but she's right, though not quite. She explained to me that she's going with her parents and her sister and her son (10), so it will be a family affair. I told her that I didn't want to discuss my age limitation in front of the kids. Basically, when she was pregnant with our son, her lawyer made a mistake and her green card (and therefore work permit) was about to expire prior to her citizenship. She told me that she was going to return to Mexico at the time (from where she was brought illegally at age 11 and hadn't been back to) with our son "because a son belongs with his mother." She got her citizenship, crisis averted.

I don't trust her, but in this I think it's OK. She only finally returned to her home state in Mexico early this year for the first time in 30 years. Her job and most of the family is here. There isn't an option of running.

My rationale was that I wanted the kids to be old enough to advocate for themselves if needed. S13 has a cell phone, and I told him that our plan now encompasses unlimited texts and calling in Canada and Mexico. Her dad, their abuelito, had a bad heart attack early this year, so they all want to go together and I can understand that.

[Turkish]

Today at the exchange:

"I'm sure that the kids told you that I'm taking them to Mexico next year."

"You're asking me to take them to Mexico."

"You've changed your mind about what age you'd let me take them so I'm taking them next year."

"You're asking me for permission. If I were going to take them to Australia, would I tell you, or ask you?"

"They're at the age you told me..."

Not quite (11 and S will be just 14), but she's right, though not quite. She explained to me that she's going with her parents and her sister and her son (10), so it will be a family affair. I told her that I didn't want to discuss my age limitation in front of the kids. Basically, when she was pregnant with our son, her lawyer made a mistake and her green card (and therefore work permit) was about to expire prior to her citizenship. She told me that she was going to return to Mexico at the time (from where she was brought illegally at age 11 and hadn't been back to) with our son "because a son belongs with his mother." She got her citizenship, crisis averted.

I don't trust her, but in this I think it's OK. She only finally returned to her home state in Mexico early this year for the first time in 30 years. Her job and most of the family is here. There isn't an option of running.

My rationale was that I wanted the kids to be old enough to advocate for themselves if needed. S13 has a cell phone, and I told him that our plan now encompasses unlimited texts and calling in Canada and Mexico. Her dad, their abuelito, had a bad heart attack early this year, so they all want to go together and I can understand that.

[kells76]

I'm thinking of our kids' mom here.

If I were in a similar situation, I'd probably be saying something like:

"Thanks for the heads up. Email me what you have so we can work with the details."

and if anything more is needed:

"Once I get the email with the details you're thinking of, I'll be able to discuss this further."

without verbally saying Yes or No to anything.

I know she's a little more cooperative than our kids' mom, so I wonder if for you this situation is less about her doing something shady or finding ways to twist your words, and more about... ______________? Fill in the blank? Is it that you wish she would have approached you differently about the trip, or something else?

[Turkish]

Maybe I'm "butt-hurt" as the kids say? I've given her permission to take the kids out of state over the years a few times, no opposition or attitude on my part. It bugs me that I heard about this from the kids "mommy's taking us to Mexico!" 2 weeks before she told me.

I'd like to take the kids to Canada and the EU, but I have no problem waiting until they're 18. It's not a cultural or familial issue on my side though.

Overall, she's been holding herself together for the most part.  Her r/s with D11 is better than 2 years ago when she sent our daughter to therapy. The kids still indicate that their mom can get aggro (my term) from time to time.  S13 seems to have good boundaries.