I’m so angry

[LifewithEase]

I should update folks who follow me but right now I just need the community.

I’m so angry. Deeply.

After my uBPDw bailed on marriage therapy this winter we started up again. I got the clarity and courage to make her behavior and our communication the center even though uBPDw wanted to hammer on her false narrative of me being not enough of anything.

Like an authoritative text book on BPD she played it perfectly BPD.

My uBPDw has been for so years “burning” down the marriage and now it looks like the family unit, home, house and community, financial stability will go down with it as her BPD overwhelms everything. Her call for divorce on her terms controls everything.

The BPD wins. I get screwed.

I suspect now that so many of her remarkable and mean spirited actions have been exposed, she has finally moved from detachment to discard. And because she has so much shame having already been divorced she’s making it so untenable seemingly forcing me into a separation. To be married now would look bizarre.

I’m angry that she isn’t held accountable for her role, her behavior. The discord and hurtful mess she has created.

I’m angry that I’ve tried so hard put so much compassion, empathy, time, resources into the relationship yet the failure falls on me.

I’m angry.

When do they get their due? When do they feel the burn of their actions and words?

Right now I don’t want to move past it.

I want to be angry.

[livednlearned]

Feel angry, my friend.

Say more.

A lot of us bottle it up or struggle to feel it at all.

This is a community that understands a lot of what you're going through and feeling.

[ForeverDad]

Have you pondered the various stages of Grieving a Loss?  It's a popular online process description and anger is only one of the stages.

Stages of Grief

Your feelings may happen in phases as you come to terms with your loss. You can’t control the process, but it’s helpful to know the reasons behind your feelings. All people experience grief differently. In the 1960s, Elisabeth Kubler-Ross identified five stages of grief. She was a psychiatrist, author, and pioneer in near-death studies.

Those stages are:

    Denial: When you first learn of a loss, it’s common to think, “This isn’t happening.” You may feel shocked or numb. This is a temporary way to deal with the rush of overwhelming emotions. It’s a defense mechanism.
    Anger: As reality sets in, you’re faced with the pain of your loss. You may feel frustrated and helpless. These feelings later turn into anger. You might direct it toward other people, a higher power, or life in general. To be angry with a loved one who died and left you alone is natural too.
    Bargaining: During this stage, you dwell on what you could’ve done to prevent the loss. Thoughts such as “if only…” and “what if…” are common at this stage. You may also try to strike a deal with a higher power.
    Depression: Sadness sets in as you begin to understand the loss and its effect on your life. Signs of depression include crying, sleep issues, and a decreased appetite. You may feel overwhelmed, regretful, and lonely.
    Acceptance: In this final stage of grief, you accept the reality of your loss. It can’t be changed. Although you still feel sad, you’re able to start moving forward with your life.

Every person goes through these phases in their own way. You may go back and forth between them or skip one or more stages altogether.
https://www.webmd.com/balance/grieving-and-stages-of-grief

Another thought is to redirect your energy into productive responses.  You have a right to be angry but also seek smart ways to look forward and "get your ducks in a row".  Since it has become clear your marriage is failing, ensure it doesn't pull you down too.

[Stockdoodle]

The BPD wins. I get screwed.

Are you sure? Has something already happened, or are you being a doomer about this? That's not an insult, btw. Glob knows I get into funks where I think she'll win like she usually does, but then I remember everything I have on my side. I remember that even if I do end up getting screwed in a divorce, at least I won't be married to an abusive narcissist anymore. Child support will eventually end (4.5 years for me), as will any transitional alimony she secures. "Here's your monthly check, now go away," is so much better than trying to make a marriage work with someone who has bpd/npd.

[jaded7]

I should update folks who follow me but right now I just need the community.

I’m so angry. Deeply.

After my uBPDw bailed on marriage therapy this winter we started up again. I got the clarity and courage to make her behavior and our communication the center even though uBPDw wanted to hammer on her false narrative of me being not enough of anything.

Like an authoritative text book on BPD she played it perfectly BPD.

My uBPDw has been for so years “burning” down the marriage and now it looks like the family unit, home, house and community, financial stability will go down with it as her BPD overwhelms everything. Her call for divorce on her terms controls everything.

The BPD wins. I get screwed.

I suspect now that so many of her remarkable and mean spirited actions have been exposed, she has finally moved from detachment to discard. And because she has so much shame having already been divorced she’s making it so untenable seemingly forcing me into a separation. To be married now would look bizarre.

I’m angry that she isn’t held accountable for her role, her behavior. The discord and hurtful mess she has created.

I’m angry that I’ve tried so hard put so much compassion, empathy, time, resources into the relationship yet the failure falls on me.

I’m angry.

When do they get their due? When do they feel the burn of their actions and words?

Right now I don’t want to move past it.

I want to be angry.

Totally get it. Anger is good, you have a right to be angry. And anger means that you recognize that your treatment has been unfair, unacceptable, and hurtful. The person has hurt you.

Personally, I have a hard time tapping in to anger at my ex. In spite of the things she did to me, in spite of the horrible things she called me and the lies she told me, and the gaslighting designed to make me question my reality and my worth as a human being.

I simply remember that I did nothing to hurt her, never called her names, never yelled at her. Even in the face of horrible yelling at me and pointing a finger in my face, pulling violently off a road and threatening to make me walk miles in the rain and gathering darkness...I never was abusive to her. I KNOW I only tried to love her, be there for her, make her feel supported and accepted.

My codependency is strong, so I still find it hard to be angry at her. I'm actually jealous of you for being able to move into that stage. Good for you, and thank you for sharing.

[hurtingbad]

When do they get their due? When do they feel the burn of their actions and words?

I have thought this many times...in my own personal experience and in reading stories here.  Sometimes you just have to vent, and here is as good a place as any.  We are with you

[ForeverDad]

The BPD wins. I get screwed.

That's the pwBPD's endless refrain.  Extreme entitlement.  They're so emphatic that you may even believe it at times.  And usually the legal system lets them get away with it for far too long, but eventually - a long eventually - some things usually get better, a little.  Or the kids become adults and age out of the legal system.

When do they get their due? When do they feel the burn of their actions and words?

They may never have the introspection to perceive what damage they've done.  Sadly, accept that.  My ex burned her bridges with me.  Now, over 15 years later and with our child now an adult (and living with me still) she's not so blatantly entitled and blaming but I still have to be very careful not to trigger her when she comes around.

[Notwendy]

That's the pwBPD's endless refrain.  Extreme entitlement.  They're so emphatic that you may even believe it at times.  And usually the legal system lets them get away with it for far too long, but eventually - a long eventually - some things usually get better, a little.  Or the kids become adults and age out of the legal system.

They may never have the introspection to perceive what damage they've done.  Sadly, accept that.  My ex burned her bridges with me.  Now, over 15 years later and with our child now an adult (and living with me still) she's not so blatantly entitled and blaming but I still have to be very careful not to trigger her when she comes around.

It's understandable that you are angry and it may appear she has won. For my BPD mother, it appears that way too. She seemed to have it all. She was a beautiful woman in her younger years and my father was in love with her and what he wanted was for her to be happy and we, her kids, would wish that for her too.

But regardless of what efforts were made- she's not happy- due to her own internal unhappiness which is the filter on her experiences. We can't change this for her. She can't see that her discomfort is due to her own feelings, to her, it's from someone or something else.

It's OK to feel what you feel.

You didn't fail at your wife's happiness. You didn't cause her BPD and it's not in your capacity to fix this for her.

[LifewithEase]

Wow, what fantastic responses.

Thanks for the time, thoughtfulness, and space to vent.

Ironic that I checked sthe board today. My uBPDw is having a HUGE dysregulation bender tonight. Brutal. So it was reassuring to read these messages.

The best was hearing from folks hurtingbad that I have a right and should be angry. I'm your typical caretaker/emphatic/people pleaser and so rarely do I let myself feel pissed off.

livednlearned - always appreciate your wisdom. including your constant reminder: "breath"

ForeverDad - you're speaking the truth, the marriage is dragging me down but I am getting my ducks in a row. Actually, one challenge I'm having is that financial advisors and lawyers say they can do high conflict but can't or many times they opt out or they put a premium that is too much for me.

Does anyone know of a resource to find divorce lawyers that have explicit experience in BPD (by state, region)?

The crazy thing about the grief process is that my T and I think I've been at this so long I might be looping through again (I say this with humor)

Stockdoodle - the sad part is that I will take a huge hit.

I'm completely financial dependent on my uBPDw, I've burned through retirement and savings to contribute to the household, kids' needs [lots of financial abuse and control that I haven't spent a lot of time sharing on this board].

There is a high chance that I'll have to leave my home; or we'll have to sell it. I can't afford to live in my town on my own, just too expensive and with interest rates... the kids would be pulled out of the schools. Our home is a dream home (not necessarily fancy or big but a forever place after decades of traveling the world). It's hard to express this but I am a community man [along with being a family man]. Friendships, contributions, volunteer, service, engagement is my life blood and I've put decades into this place.

Am I being a doomer? I love that. Partly. But I've been talking to enough professionals about the logistics that I have a clear bleak picture of the path before me. I've recently observed my uBPDw brilliantly shift on to me her false narratives and create subtle stories that cast doubt on it all. She's super high functioning, she's brilliant with words and logic and manipulation. She's a trained lawyer. She has been divorce before.

jaded7 - anger is good. I'm amazed what we tolerate, most of it "behind closed" doors. In my case via txt and emails. It dawned on me recently that what makes me so angry is that there is no accountability. The judge will most likely not care about the subtle thousand cuts and illogical logical crazy making that we live with. My in-laws will no doubt will be told of a completely different picture of me.

I wonder if and how my kids will learn about their mother's bad behavior? Does that happen? Should it? I know they see she her anger, agitation, the unkindness toward me, the oddities of our household.

As for legal system lets them get away with it for far too long. My T wrote this:

I'm sorry this is so hard [referencing the decade's long pattern of abusive behavior]. There is no place for this in family court, unfortunately. But you have the option to leave. It is so hard to be in your position. But the courts are not in the business of managing conflict. XY is a no fault divorce state. I know you want recognition and credit for staying in this relationship but sadly that is not how this works. I hope you can focus on you taking care of yourself.

I'll wrap up with Notwendy - always with the highest wisdom: You didn't fail at your wife's happiness.

[ForeverDad]

I wonder if and how my kids will learn about their mother's bad behavior? Does that happen? Should it? I know they see she her anger, agitation, the unkindness toward me, the oddities of our household.

As the saying goes, "The walls have ears."

Your task is that the kids hear the facts from you, they're surely hearing a distorted story from your ex.  It is important that you don't present an appeasing perception to the truth otherwise they'll either come to distrust you both or never find out what a healthy home environment should be.

I believe your older child is a young teen and the younger is a tween?  They're both of an age to see reality but they've also had many years under a pwBPD distorted perceptions.

How would you describe how they see life now?

About your T's observations, "I know you want recognition and credit for staying in this relationship but sadly that is not how this works. I hope you can focus on you taking care of yourself."

This is very true.  If you feel you need validation, you likely won't find much from officialdom, they deal with people as they are, not as you wish.  Sometimes it feels that court are so disinclined to fix things that what good are they if they allow such injustices.  But it is what it is.  If you're seeking some sort of comeuppance, Let Go and Move On.  Same for closure, you won't ever get it from your Ex so instead Grant Yourself Closure, write out your feelings, then have a Ceremonial Burning so whatever.  Let Go and Move On with your life and future parenting.

Another thought, since I fear you're catastrophizing.
How to Stop Catastrophizing
"Catastrophizing means that a person fixates on the worst possible outcome and treats it as likely, even when it is not."

Okay, probably it's not really as bad all that but look at the bright side, pretty soon you won't be under your ex's thumb anymore.  If nothing else, that will be a HUGE improvement in your life.

Two questions...
(1) What does the likely parenting schedule look like as you exit the divorce?  How strenuously is she fighting you on custody and parenting time?  Will you have majority, equal or minority parenting time?  Are both the children yours?  If she wants majority custody/parenting now, is that for her public face, might she give back after the divorce is final some of the parenting time she has demanded until now?  (Any settlement now should address that possibility and have a framework structured in writing if/when things change.)

(2) If she is the one with substantially better income, are you currently getting spousal support and/or do you expect to get alimony support after the final decree?  These days alimony is generally long enough to help the disadvantaged parent to get on his/her feet and transition into post marriage life, even a career.  Maybe a couple years, perhaps up to five or more years, up to half the length of the marriage.  Or something equivalent, such as her being obligated to pay for your home and its expenses until both children are adults, could be 6-7 years of partial relief.

Needless to add, once the divorce is completed, you must be very firm that your parenting time is yours, she can't intrude on it, just as you wouldn't be able to intrude on her time.  Well, unless you agreed in writing to any terms for modification, trades, etc.  Even if she provided some level of support for your residence or expenses, she can't barge into your parenting domain, the marriage is over, she would have her time, you would have your time, separate from each other.

[jaded7]

I'll wrap up with Notwendy - always with the highest wisdom: You didn't fail at your wife's happiness.

NotWendy has written some real gems here, I agree. I will attest to how powerful those words are about failing or not failing at your wife's happiness. In the early days, I was shaken to the core, deeply and profoundly, that I had somehow, some way, hurt my partner I loved so much. She told me so, even though she ditched me over the holidays and ignored my calls and texts, snapped at me, yelled at me, mocked me and put me down in our last week together (and much more)...but, just her telling me that I had hurt HER by not 'showing up' to an in office eye surgery she NEVER TOLD ME ABOUT...it made me feel SO bad about myself.

She, of course, never once mentioned that she may have hurt me. Never once apologized for anything, including ditching me over the holidays and ghosting me the week before so she could 'escape' without having a conversation.

I and my codependence were at the root of my hating myself for 'hurting' her. That really, really kept me up many nights in a row, hating myself. Feeling for her.

[Notwendy]

Thanks for the kind words. I think this was something learned from observing my BPD mother. All of us in her family have tried ( and still do) to do nice things for her, but her own sense of feeling like a victim led her to either sabotage these efforts or find something "wrong" with them. As much as we tried to "make her happy" we seemed to "fail"- but it's not something we were capable of succeeding at. I have learned that if I do something nice for her, I can't expect how she might respond to that. She is unfortunately for her- unhappy as a part of her mental condition and due to her projecting these feelings- blames others for them.

Financial connection with my BPD mother is a form of control on her part. I learned that if BPD mother offers to pay for anything, she wants control and it's better to not accept it. Although the divorce is a large financial loss at the moment- and I am not diminishing it- it's also an opportunity to disentangle the financial ties.

[Stuck2023]

Am I being a doomer? I love that. Partly. But I've been talking to enough professionals about the logistics that I have a clear bleak picture of the path before me.

My therapist asked me the same thing not that long ago. There’s more to be upset and angry about than just the person themself - anger on having to leave your home, rebuild, the effort to put in and time that feels lost. I think it’s not being a doomer though if you can put a timescale on it. “The next year is going to be awful in courts and housing but the one after less…” for example. Eventually it will be worth the hard times of getting out of the situation.

[thankful person]

I’m sorry to hear of your struggles. For some reason my wife has seemingly decided she doesn’t hate me anymore, sometimes she even loves me. But I don’t feel safe in her “love” because I know I’m always a stone’s throw away from her deciding she’s had enough of me not being good enough. So far it’s always just been talk of her wanting divorce and wanting me gone, which was pretty constant until just recently. I don’t even know what would come next, only that it’s all very painful. I think lots about what I’ve learnt from not Wendy about how actually my wife’s moods and reactions generally have absolutely nothing to do with me, so why bend over backwards trying to please her, I have tried to stop doing this and found it pretty much makes no difference as to whether she has a good day or not. So I know I can choose to leave this marriage at any time. But I don’t want to, so I understand your feelings, bpd is my opponent and I have no idea if our marriage can survive this. My thoughts are with you.

[LifewithEase]

Thankfulperson,

We have, along with so many others, such similar experiences.

I agree that the dysregulation is so predictably unpredictable. I just reread Stop Walking on Egg Shells. It was a helpful reminder on many fronts.

In the last few months I've started an exercise that helps reduce the crazy making and smooths out the roller coaster:

- In my journal I write predictions ahead of the benders, dysregulation, triggers. The easiest to spot now are the double binds. They happen daily.

I'm pretty much right 100%.

Stuck2023

I think one of the many many intangible reasons I am angry is the financial situation flipped in a matter of a couple of weeks. It was pure mental illness and totally surprised me. I never could have imagined.

- My business plateaued during the pandemic right when she went from a reduced schedule to a very significant leadership role and high salary.   

- Before this, my T and I had an ongoing discussion that uBPDw taking a larger job would most likely help calm her, make her feel less dependent on me, regulated by being with more people, and more in control.

- Within matter of days of accepting her offer my uBPDw got very aggressive and started using money against me. I've come to realize it is financial abuse.

- Call me naive but I never thought she would go down that path. I would have planned and made decisions around creating a safety net for myself. When I paid for her law school debt in our first year of marriage, I just did it because, well, we both made adult decisions to get married.

- But I didn't plan for such a head spinning reality and now I'm completely financial dependent on her. If we were to split it would be a tough road.