Emotionally and physically broken from repeated trauma related to daughter

[AcheyMom]

My daughter, 33 with BPD.  Her reckless behaviour and constant crises have left me a shell of the person I once was.  Is this common?  I’ve been diagnosed with both PTSD and Fibromyalgia from the chronic stress and repeated crises with my daughter.  I can ‘t do it anymore. I’m chronically exhausted, in physical pain, lost my career, a lot of money gone trying to help but probably enabled, helped raise 11 yo grandson who is most likely being taken permanently out of her care.  It’s usually us that has him when CPS has stepped in 3 times before,  This time his aunt was living close to them and stepped in to have temp custody.  He does not want to go back and wants to stay with his aunt.  Last time he didn’t want to go back either but they forced him. I am grateful that she stepped in as I was unwilling to deal with CPS again after they refused to take our concerns about neglect/abuse seriously and placed him back in her care without her showing some sort of effort to change.  Thing is, it’s never her fault.  She refuses to be held accountable.  Even at this age.  I can’t deal with all this any longer. I am heartbroken and feel we have lost our grandson. Our family is broken. I feel like picking up and moving. The last 18 years of my life has been an accumulation of too many horrible memories. Is anyone else traumatized after long term exposure?

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[murmom]

Hello AcheyMom!

Yes, I can relate to everything you have said. I have a (dxBPD) 26 year old daughter who has an almost 4 year old daughter with her 36 year old boyfriend (probably undx something, too). We have been dealing with my daughter's issues, bad decisions, scary actions, etc. for about 13 years. Her father and I divorced about ten years ago and I think a lot of the stress from dealing with our daughter made the marriage fail even faster.  Although I don't blame my failed marriage on my daughter's issues, it didn't help.

I have gone through phases where I couldn't sleep and I believe I was suffering from PTSD. I went to counseling, which helped. I remarried and now have a solid marriage and that helps, too. I have had to put strong boundaries between myself and my daughter and her boyfriend because they are both manipulative and can be extremely abusive. Child protective services has also been involved off and on with my granddaughter and that is one issue in all of this that really breaks my heart. The other grandmother is a foster parent and is very involved and takes on my granddaughter much of the time. I just can't. I see my granddaughter on my terms, but I can't be manipulated and abused, so sometimes I don't get to see her.

Just recently I decided to "take a break" from my daughter. I plan to take a break (minimal/no texting, phone calls, no visits) until I can see that she's making better choices. I did text her "Happy Thanksgiving" and that "I love her" on Thanksgiving Day, but do not plan to see her until she starts taking responsibility for herself and stops pulling me into the drama.

So I understand where you are coming from, although our situations may not be exactly the same. Take care of yourself without guilt. You have one life to live. Take care. 

[Anna70]

Hello Achy Mom,
Reading your post makes me so sad and hits so close to home.  I understand being tired of all the drama and chaos and nothing ever being the fault of the BPD person. As the parents, we seem to take the blame for too much, whether they directly blame us, or we question ourselves.

I do see a therapist every two weeks which I highly recommend, sometimes just the ability to vent to someone without judgement is a blessing. And why I joined this site as well.  You may want to read the thread on here about going no contact with your BPD.  I found it very helpful and it lightened the burden of feeling like I would be a terrible person to do that.
 
I'm glad your grandson has an aunt to take him in.  Maybe over time you can establish a routine of visits with him and have not truly lost him as it feels right now.  My heart goes out to you and I will pray for your family.  It sounds like you do need to step back and take care of yourself.  It is not wrong to look out for yourself.  Mind you, I find it easier to tell someone else this, but difficult to do myself.

I am in a similar situation with my 29 y/o BPD daughter and 5 y/o grandson, so I feel your pain.

[AcheyMom]

“ I see my granddaughter on my terms, but I can't be manipulated and abused, so sometimes I don't get to see her.

Just recently I decided to "take a break" from my daughter. I plan to take a break (minimal/no texting, phone calls, no visits) until I can see that she's making better choices. I did text her "Happy Thanksgiving" and that "I love her" on Thanksgiving Day, but do not plan to see her until she starts taking responsibility for herself and stops pulling me into the drama.”

I am pretty much where you are right now. I am actually willing to accept that I won’t get to see my grandson any longer if he goes back to her care again.  It’s impossible to have a relationship with him and not with her. Right now his aunt (his dad’s sister) has been accommodating with visits.  My daughter has been extremely abusive this to us this summer and I have found out she still spreads awful lies about us to excuse her behaviour.  My daughter has made so many false accusations about people over the years that I don’t even take it personally anymore but I am fed up. She’s too old for this behaviour!  So if she texts me, I reply and tell her I love her which is true.  But I need to love her from afar for a while so I can heal.

[AcheyMom]

I see my granddaughter on my terms, but I can't be manipulated and abused, so sometimes I don't get to see her.

Just recently I decided to "take a break" from my daughter. I plan to take a break (minimal/no texting, phone calls, no visits) until I can see that she's making better choices. I did text her "Happy Thanksgiving" and that "I love her" on Thanksgiving Day, but do not plan to see her until she starts taking responsibility for herself and stops pulling me into the drama.

So I understand where you are coming from, although our situations may not be exactly the same. Take care of yourself without guilt. You have one life to live. Take care. 

I am pretty much where you are right now. I am actually willing to accept that I won’t get to see my grandson any longer if he goes back to my daughter's care again.  It’s impossible to have a relationship with him and not with her. Right now his aunt (his dad’s sister) has been accommodating with visits.  My daughter has been extremely abusive to us over the summer and I have found out she still spreads awful lies about us to excuse her behavior.  My daughter has made so many false accusations about people over the years that I don’t even take it personally anymore but I am fed up. She’s too old for this behavior!  So if she texts me every so often, I reply and tell her I love her which is true.  But I need to love her from a distance for a while so I can heal.

[AcheyMom]

Hello Achy Mom,
Reading your post makes me so sad and hits so close to home.  I understand being tired of all the drama and chaos and nothing ever being the fault of the BPD person. As the parents, we seem to take the blame for too much, whether they directly blame us, or we question ourselves.

I do see a therapist every two weeks which I highly recommend, sometimes just the ability to vent to someone without judgement is a blessing. And why I joined this site as well.  You may want to read the thread on here about going no contact with your BPD.  I found it very helpful and it lightened the burden of feeling like I would be a terrible person to do that.
 
I'm glad your grandson has an aunt to take him in.  Maybe over time you can establish a routine of visits with him and have not truly lost him as it feels right now.  My heart goes out to you and I will pray for your family.  It sounds like you do need to step back and take care of yourself.  It is not wrong to look out for yourself.  Mind you, I find it easier to tell someone else this, but difficult to do myself.

I am in a similar situation with my 29 y/o BPD daughter and 5 y/o grandson, so I feel your pain.

Sorry you are going through something similar.  Having a grandchild makes it so much harder to walk away.  I am glad his aunt stepped up to the plate this time around.  We have taken him for months at a time on 3 separate occasions.  Last time I felt the CPS workers were not hearing our concerns about abuse and neglect.  My grandson was absolutely terrified to return to his mother's care.  It seemed as though they were acting in her best interest and not the child's.  I was dumbfounded and also very frustrated.  I even got a lawyer involved.  He was returned anyway and endured another 3 years of emotional abuse and instability.  Changed schools 4 times, moved to 3 different homes etc.  Having him in my care is not an issue, it was dealing with them that made it too stressful to do it again.  I find that our system has become one of enabling rather than helping.  I am reluctant to go to a therapist, it would have to be the right one.  One that won't necessarily push me to work on my relationship with my daughter.  I have been doing that in all sorts of ways for many many years and I am exhausted. I feel I need time to heal.  I can't be on call for all her crises and longer, I have neglected my own life too long.  At least until I feel strong enough to stick to solid boundaries.  If I giver her an inch she takes a mile.  She will manufacture major crises to get my attention if she doesn't feel she is getting enough.  For now I reply nicely if she texts me but I don't feel I can do more than that.  My grandson's aunt has actually been keeping me in the loop and has allowed us to take him on a few outings.  She also included us in his birthday dinner which was nice.  It is actually easier to remain in contact with him through her as she is stable. 

[kells76]

For now I reply nicely if she texts me but I don't feel I can do more than that.

That makes a lot of sense, and I've heard of other members doing that pretty intentionally, too -- you can check out the Parent with BPD board for some examples. Some members will not respond at all to any negative/blaming/shaming/drama communications, and will only respond to neutral or positive communications. That can (for lack of a better word) "train" the pwBPD about what will earn a response and what won't. It can be a boundary you decide for yourself, in your own head, that you don't have to explain to your D -- your actions will show her what gets attention and what won't.

My grandson's aunt has actually been keeping me in the loop and has allowed us to take him on a few outings.  She also included us in his birthday dinner which was nice.  It is actually easier to remain in contact with him through her as she is stable. 

Great to hear! That's wonderful that she knows how important it is to him to have you in his life. I hope you and his aunt will be able to stay connected and coordinate for your GS's well-being.

Does GS seem to do well when you are together with him and his aunt?