Trying to break the cycle

[Vette68]

Grateful to have found this board and a first timer here.  My SO has been diagnosed with borderline personality disorder and rejected the diagnosis a while back.  At that time I wasn't the target of her pain and struggles and was actually able to lend support and comfort that was well received.
 Today I am the central point of her pain and hurt.  Currently in a nasty cycle of glimmer of hope vs days on end of silent treatment mixed with nasty attacks on my character.  I listened to a voicemail she left me from a few years back when we were still fairly young in our relationship and it was the most calm and loving vm you could imagine.  I don't know why I had that saved on my phone but I did.  It stands in such stark contrast to how she addresses me today.  The focus is always on her issues and I have learned to not engage when I know she is baiting me which of course has lead to her saying that I don't give a sh...  I used to be able to talk with this person freely about anything..  Now I am literally fearful of saying the wrong thing every time I open my mouth.. Yes I know.. walking on egg shells and this is not a good place to be.  Anyway just venting a bit.  Thank you all for sharing your experiences on here. 

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Jabiru]

Hi and welcome Good to hear. Lots of stories to read and learn from here.

Check out the Tips menu at the top of the page. Keep in touch if you have any questions/concerns.

[Pricklypickle]

Thank you for sharing.
I wholely relate to seeing exchanges from the past and being surprised how loving and friendly our partners could be.
I find that my mind has a really hard time processing that a person could treat me in such extremely opposite ways without me being aware of having done anything to them.

What are you doing to try to break the cycle ?

[Smedley Butler]

I listened to a voicemail she left me from a few years back when we were still fairly young in our relationship and it was the most calm and loving vm you could imagine.

i recently stumbled upon a letter my wife sent me when i was in afghanistan in 2010 (we were engaged at the time).  i couldnt believe that it was written by the same person.  i had forgotten how kind and loving she once was.

[Vette68]

Hi Jabiru, thank you for the welcome.  I will keep in touch as this is a good place to connect with people who have similar experiences.  It's almost impossible for people to relate to this who haven't gone through it.

Pricklypickle, I hear you.  Here are some things I've done to break at least my cycle of engaging in the negativity: 
I read up on various subjects around relationships in general that involve either some kind of addiction and/or a personality disorder. 
Both are present in my case and it has been a ride...  I will be upfront and share that my faith has gotten me to a place where I can function. 
I have learned that there is no way to battle with someone in the throws of bpd and or addiction.  I tried, believe me.. many times..
I even enabled at points when my back was against the wall.  It doesn't make it right but when you encounter desperate situations
sometimes you do what you need to in order that you might get the best possible outcome.  So though I can now break the cycle of MY
responses it doesn't stop the negativity from flowing my way.  Only my SO can pursue treatment and or get help for what she is dealing with. 


Smedley,  I don't want to assume but thank you for your service if that is why you were there in 2010.  I guess we are all surprised by
the drastic change in our partners.  I frankly don't know what to do anymore and our marriage might not survive. It's shocking when you
look back sometimes and see or hear what this person was like.  I guess for me it give me some sense of sanity and reminds me why I fell
in love with this person in the first place.

[Cat Familiar]

The Dr. Jekyll, Mr. Hyde analogy fits BPD well. At the outset, we could never imagine that the beautiful soul we first met and fell in love with could turn into such a monster. And that we are often the only one who gets to experience that side of them, can make us doubt our judgment and perceptions at times. It is wholly disorienting to be in a relationship like this, yet here we are.

Can you tell us what difficulties you typically experience in your relationship in detail? That way we can map out some strategies that could be helpful to defuse the conflict.

[Vette68]

One struggle that is causing a lot of tension is around my SO's resentments towards others.  Now she is loved by many who have been there throughout the years through so many struggles.  She has not had it easy by any means.  However, the very thing she needs to let go of (resentments) she has been holding on to more and more over the past year or so.  It even got to the point that I was told how to behave and treat some of the people that she held resentments towards.  She even told some of her kids not to talk to this person or that person.  Really?  I am not wired to intentionally cause drama or to be disrespectful towards others.  They didn't do anything to me directly and nor have they truly wronged her.  They were simply upset (out of caring btw) at her after some incidents that occurred around drinking in the past.  So basically I either betray her by not adhering to her wishes or I betray myself by mistreating others..  There is something almost every day now that comes out of the blue to keep the tension and drama going.  Even simple life decisions can become wrapped in controversy as just another example of how nobody respects or hears her.  If I try to address some of these things I'm instantly shut down.  It always turns to how it affects her and how it makes her feel.  What I'm dealing with now no longer matters.. my struggles she almost makes fun of and says there just "excuses".  Ugh... There was a day that we shared equally and we both heard each other or so it seemed.  I brought that up this morning and I was told that we never had good communication.. I was always talking about "meaningless" stuff..

[Cat Familiar]

Ugh..add in alcohol abuse and it’s an ugly picture—I know this firsthand. Fortunately my husband never abused alcohol in public, only at home.

So much is tied up in their self concept about how others see them. They are perpetually defending a fragile ego.

Others have seen her  faced drunk, I’m assuming. Rather than confront her own demons, she has to externalize their concerns and accuse them of being abusive toward her. (I got the same when I repeatedly confronted my husband about his drinking.)

The only remedy I see is to refuse to participate in these discussions about other people, refrain from promising her that you won’t communicate with them, and steer the conversation elsewhere when you see it start heading down those rabbit holes.

Yeah, she will be pissed at you for refusing to participate in her drama, but you have no other good option. I’ve thought it’s better to have the little pissed version of my partner, than the BIG PISSED version.

Should you make promises you don’t keep and she finds out, you’ll likely get the latter version.

[waverider]

First thing to realize is that you can't wind it back to how it was. That was a persona designed to impress you, and more importantly to get you to like her which is her underlying need for validation. This was not who she was deep inside. Who we are deep inside remains and just fluctuates a bit.

The fact that so many people in the past are now on her target list is an indicator of who she is, this is her attitude, these are her ethics, morals and sense of self. These will not change, her history (not her version) would show this.  A good front is easier to keep up with strangers (ie clean sheets) who have no knowledge of her real self. The longer you know someone with BPD the more they feel vulnerable to you seeing the real them. So their harsh "push" is self defensive. Whether you are critical or judgemental of them makes no difference she will project that you are and attack as a form of defense. She no longer feels comfortable being tucked away behind this nice persona defense she previously put up, so that is stripped away and replaced by a more deadly form of self defense. It is all based on insecurity.

You try to ally and reassure, but it is not taken deeply and is felt to simply be you giving superficial lip service. Why? Because that is the way they think, they have no real sense of depth. They simply don't think that language, it is an alien concept.

The more you learn about BPD the more you realise the "good times" were a bit off, being too quick, too keen, too well matched to your interests, too agreeable, a bit over the top and furnished with just too many "grand gestures" than is normal. Red flags in themselves. BPD was always there, its just the visible presentation that changes

So where to go to from here, it is more about making sure YOU have a life and prevent as small a threatening, in a psychological insecurity way, presence as possible. Accept the honey days are gone for good, but don't throw your life down the drain, or put it seemingly forever in a holding pattern, simply by association.

To many this is simply not enough for the rest of their lives, but that is a choice you will have to make. But the BPD mountain is there, it used to be hidden in the clouds, now it is not, and its not going to move to make your life easier, the best you can do is work around it.

The tools on this site will help you find some of the easier mountain tracks, but they wont turn it into a lush meadow. Interacting with people here can help you stay more grounded as it is easy to get slow boiled into thinking dysfunction is normal and start to doubt and loose yourself.

When learning about boundaries it is important to realize these are about protecting yourself from harm, both physical and mental. They are not about teaching lessons, punishing or attempting to retrain/ modify what someone else does. Neither are they a subject for debate or having to justify. If something makes you feel sick inside, it just does, and so should be prevented. It is not about arguing whether you should or should not feel sick inside or arguing about who is at fault. They are a safety switch that is flicked in emergency, it is not a court of law subject to endless debate as to who is to be blamed before any action is taken

[Pook075]

Today I am the central point of her pain and hurt. 

Hello and welcome!  I'm sorry you're going through this because it is definitely no fun.  I just have one tidbit to add to the already great advice you've received.

You are not the central point of her hurt and pain.  She may outwardly project that, but the central point of her hurt and pain is BPD and not having regulated emotions.  This is not a "you thing" and it would happen with any person she was currently with.  So you have to abandon the thought that if you only say or do something different, the fairytale relationship will just reappear.  It will not.

Instead, let's focus on what you can do to improve your relationship.  The biggest factor is your spouse getting into therapy and actually wanting to make changes in her life, which you have ZERO control over.  Don't even suggest it because it will backfire spectacularly.  She will seek help when she's ready and not a moment sooner.

For your end, realize that you have to stop walking on eggshells while also showing love and compassion.  Your spouse is struggling and she's not entirely sure why (BPD, unregulated emotions), so she lashes out.  If she crosses a boundary, call her on it...but do so with love and compassion.  Focus less on what she says <'I hate when you do this' kind of stuff> and more on the emotions behind that accusation. 

Show love and support for what she's going through- whether it's real or imagined, it's real to her and causing pain.  Be the rock that she can depend on to get through those bad moments; otherwise, they'll turn into days or weeks.  The quicker you can reconnect and reinforce that you love her, the less things seem to spiral out of control.

I hope that helps!