I’ve lost respect for my uhwBPD

[JazzSinger]

Sadly, I’ve lost respect for my uhwBPD.  I know he’s mentally ill, but I just can’t understand why he doesn’t realize he needs treatment.  Further, the more he devolves into behaving like a toddler or a demon by telling lies,  engaging in name calling and put downs, blowing up, being a know it all, whining, and so many more impossible behaviors,  the less respect I have for him as a human being.  He has no self-control. It’s sad.

As a wife, I’m not getting the respect I deserve. So how  can I respect him?

He lies a lot.  And often times he doesn’t remember important conversations we’ve had, nor does he remember conversations we’ve had with mutual friends.  It begs the question, Is he even bothering to pay attention to me or anyone else?  Is he capable of active listening? 

I guess I’m just venting again.  Sorry.  I need to get out more, because I know he’s not changing. I need my friends around me.  I need to make more good times for myself, because he’s like a chain around my ankle; a weight on my shoulders.  It’s hard when you’re retired.  Your BPD is around 24/7.  It’s no picnic.   

Clearly, any love or respect I had for him is a mere shadow of what it used to be. There’s not much left. 

[Pook075]

I'm sorry you're going through this and unfortunately, you're not going to like my advice.  This is 100% about you and not him.

Now I get it, he treats you poorly, insists he never said those things, is unreliable, etc.  My marriage was the same way and the re-writing history drove me absolutely bonkers.

But here's the thing.  Everything your husband sees, feels, or speaks is 100% real to him.  That's his reality and the only way you can change that is by being more loving and understanding to him.

And you'll probably think, "Did you not just read what I wrote?  I'm fed up!"

Yup, I read it.  Every word.  And that's why this is about you.

You're fed up- so stop being fed up.  Stop trying to convince him that he needs treatment or that he needs to change.  He won't until he realizes there's a problem and it's big enough that he has to deal with it.  That takes courage and strength, which doesn't come natural to him.  Moving a sofa?  Sure, he can do that.  Be vulnerable with his deepest fears?  No way!  That's terrifying for all of us, but probably 100x harder for a BPD.

The path here isn't convincing him to change.  The path is you changing and reprioritizing your life.  Start with finding some peace and happiness, finding what grounds you outside the relationship.  That may mean therapy, or it could mean just good friends and family that will talk this out with you (even though they can't understand it). 

It also means loving your spouse without accepting abuse.  For example, don't argue- who cares who's right about the millions things BPD's will argue about.  At the end of the day, that stuff just isn't important.  Walk away and refuse to engage in those types of conversations.  That's also setting a boundary through learned behavior- if he gets mean, you're walking away and letting him cool off.  He will feel like a child being put in timeout...and that's good.  Let him pout over that as he learns how to treat others.

At the end of the day, you can't change him but you can change yourself and what you're willing to accept.  Sometimes, that alone repairs the relationship and changes the dynamics.  Other times, it ends up being the final straw...but either way, you begin healing and learning to love in a different way. 

You said it yourself...he's mentally ill...and that's not your fault.  It's not his fault either, so try not to blame him too much.  I know that's easier said than done, but that's the path for you to begin healing.  I hope that helps a little.

[JazzSinger]

Pook075,

I truly appreciate all that you’ve written. 

I don’t know if I can love him, but I certainly can be more understanding and caring. And I have no desire to argue with him  or to keep being “fed up.” I know how to walk away when he gets abusive.  I’ve done it before.  I need to keep it up.  I can also find peace and happiness outside of our marriage.  I have friends, and no shortage of hobbies and things to do. It’s so true that I must reprioritize my life.  I’ve actually already started.   I know I can’t change him, so I’ve got to continue to focus on me. 

I do believe a new attitude will spill over into our marriage, in a positive way.  It won’t change him, but there may be less turmoil.  Otherwise, I’m kicking my own self in the behind, and then he comes behind me with an even BIGGER kick.  I’ve got to apply more self-care.  I’ve got to let things roll off
of me. 

Thank you!

[ForeverDad]

Sadly, I’ve lost respect for my uhwBPD...
I’m not getting the respect I deserve. So how  can I respect him?

That says it all, doesn't it?  If there's one thing (among a few other vital things) vital to a successful marriage, it's respect.  Not money, not a fancy house, not two cars, not a boat in the driveway, all those can be gone in a flash and a successful marriage can still fly.

He lies a lot.  And often times he doesn’t remember important conversations we’ve had, nor does he remember conversations we’ve had with mutual friends.  It begs the question, Is he even bothering to pay attention to me or anyone else?  Is he capable of active listening?

In the final months of my marriage I recorded my spouse in one of her late night rants.  I left the camcorder out for her to see.  How did I know she watched it?  I came home from work to a huge pile of shredded digital tape ripped from the cassette at the bottom of our bed.  Left there for me to find.  She never said a word.  I was surprised the camcorder wasn't destroyed.  No, she didn't improve, not one bit.

Yes, your spouse potentially might actively listen, but sadly not so much to you.  BPD is a disorder most impacting to close relationships.  Others on the periphery can notice something "off" but you two behind closed doors and in private scenarios such as traveling together, you get the worst of it, because of the close emotional relationship.  There's just too much emotional baggage for your spouse to unpack in order to truly listen to you.

This is where intensive therapy (from an emotionally neutral therapist) over an extended period of time, even years, if diligently applied in one's perceptions and thoughts and life, might enable a recovery, but many have too much Denial, Blaming and Blame Shifting to make a positive difference in the relationship sufficient to avoid its failure.

Some do recover sufficiently but of those members who post here on the Separating & Divorcing board, few do.  The disorder is that strong and extreme in the spouse.

It is exceedingly rare for a pwBPD to find a way to self-recover without a lot of guidance.  One who did so was Marsha Linehan, a leading pioneer in developing helpful therapies for BPD.  They're named Dialectical or Cognitive Behavior Therapy (DBT or CBT).  Late in life Marsha Linehan revealed she herself suffered Borderline but was the rare one to find her own recovery.

https://www.nytimes.com/2011/06/23/health/23lives.html

https://psychcentral.com/blog/marsha-linehan-what-is-dialectical-behavioral-therapy-dbt#1

https://www.verywellhealth.com/dialectical-behavior-therapy-vs-cognitive-behavioral-therapy-uses-benefits-side-effects-and-more-5323767

Cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) and dialectical behavioral therapy (DBT) are types of psychotherapy (talk therapy).

CBT is one of the most common forms of evidence-based psychotherapy. It helps a person identify and change maladaptive thought processes and behaviors.

DBT is an evidence-based treatment that is derived from CBT. Instead of changing maladaptive thoughts and emotions, DBT encourages experiencing and accepting the emotions and developing healthy ways to cope with them.

So... would your spouse start meaningful therapy, apply it (not fake it) and stick with it for years?  That outlook is a major indicator whether there might be recovery or not.

[JazzSinger]

That says it all, doesn't it?  If there's one thing (among a few other vital things) vital to a successful marriage, it's respect.  Not money, not a fancy house, not two cars, not a boat in the driveway, all those can be gone in a flash and a successful marriage can still fly.

In the final months of my marriage I recorded my spouse in one of her late night rants.  I left the camcorder out for her to see.  How did I know she watched it?  I came home from work to a huge pile of shredded digital tape ripped from the cassette at the bottom of our bed.  Left there for me to find.  She never said a word.  I was surprised the camcorder wasn't destroyed.  No, she didn't improve, not one bit.

Yes, your spouse potentially might actively listen, but sadly not so much to you.  BPD is a disorder most impacting to close relationships.  Others on the periphery can notice something "off" but you two behind closed doors and in private scenarios such as traveling together, you get the worst of it, because of the close emotional relationship.  There's just too much emotional baggage for your spouse to unpack in order to truly listen to you.

This is where intensive therapy (from an emotionally neutral therapist) over an extended period of time, even years, if diligently applied in one's perceptions and thoughts and life, might enable a recovery, but many have too much Denial, Blaming and Blame Shifting to make a positive difference in the relationship sufficient to avoid its failure.

Some do recover sufficiently but of those members who post here on the Separating & Divorcing board, few do.  The disorder is that strong and extreme in the spouse.

It is exceedingly rare for a pwBPD to find a way to self-recover without a lot of guidance.  One who did so was Marsha Linehan, a leading pioneer in developing helpful therapies for BPD.  They're named Dialectical or Cognitive Behavior Therapy (DBT or CBT).  Late in life Marsha Linehan revealed she herself suffered Borderline but was the rare one to find her own recovery.

https://www.nytimes.com/2011/06/23/health/23lives.html

https://psychcentral.com/blog/marsha-linehan-what-is-dialectical-behavioral-therapy-dbt#1

https://www.verywellhealth.com/dialectical-behavior-therapy-vs-cognitive-behavioral-therapy-uses-benefits-side-effects-and-more-5323767
So... would your spouse start meaningful therapy, apply it (not fake it) and stick with it for years?  That outlook is a major indicator whether there might be recovery or not.

Forever Dad,

Thank you.  My uhwBPD would never seek help.  I, on the other hand, have had plenty of therapy.  And so it goes.  He never changes, and everything is my fault.  He’s ill. 

Currently, I’m finding joy with friends and activities outside of my marriage, as well as during periods when he’s behaving fairly normally. 

[livednlearned]

I don’t know if I can love him, but I certainly can be more understanding and caring.

This can really help, even if you can't do it all the time. When you've been abused and beaten down, when you feel trapped and disgusted, it's easy to lose sight of how resilient you are, how much strength you have, how remarkable it is you managed to have a full life in spite of caretaking someone with a mental illness for decades.

You've developed strategies to help regulate how you feel when he is dysregulating. Perhaps this contributed to your ability to stick things out for so long. Many of these strategies, at least from what you've shared here, seem to involve physically leaving, either the room or the house. However, there may be other strategies available to help you live in your home without feeling overcome with resentment and disgust. They won't be easy but they may offer some small improvements to your own well-being.

I worked with a therapist to help me categorize (for lack of a better word) what was tripping my trigger so hard. Doing that exercise, knowing we would then match these items to solutions, was oddly invigorating. Until then I was floating in a sea of my own resentment and to some extent, grief. I have a sibling with BPD traits and divorced a man with BPD traits. To marry into a family where someone else has these traits (SD26's mother also has BPD) made me feel trapped in ways that are hard to describe.

Working with my therapist, I realized one of my values was that a solution or strategy was not viable if it created unnecessary conflict with my husband since SD26 often seemed gung-ho to generate that dynamic. I understand SD26 finds it nearly intolerable to share me with her dad but that's not changing and since she's not going to change, I had to volunteer myself. Thankfully, I am the only person I have any control over so this approach actually worked 

It is remarkable to me how small changes in my thinking and almost unnoticeable changes in my actions helped neutralize triggers. I still struggle in my relationship with SD26 and she is the same person with the same challenges. But I am more empowered and less aggravated overall. There are times when I have to walk away -- I don't think that will change. But these times happen less and when they do I can get back to level ground more quickly. It was feeling like I was being run out of my own house that started that particular chapter of therapy.

One thing that helped me is envisioning a cup that is my responsibility to fill and keep filled. I was not raised to think of my needs as important and have struggled with that for most of my life, but for some reason the cup metaphor helped me think of my actions and behaviors in terms of what was draining and what was fulfilling. I try to let that guide me even when SD26 is not around.

With my therapist's help, we started to look at what happened when I purposefully spent time with SD26 when my cup was full. I can't say that 100 percent of the time things went ok, but over time I could see that having a (more or less) full cup might be the key to all the other skills. When I say yes to something that is a hard no in my heart, my cup drains fast. I almost always end up feeling resentment.

My relationship has the complication of a third party so it could be that this approach won't work the same for you, and my pwBPD is a young adult child.

I mention it here because people often said to have empathy, or be more understanding, but I didn't know how, especially given the degree of resentment and grief I experienced being in a disordered marriage that had become dangerous, and physical violence in childhood. My nervous system registered SD26 as a threat, meanwhile she activated my maternal instincts. It was so confusing.

I’ve got to continue to focus on me. 

 

I’ve got to let things roll off of me. 

I also want to say that venting is a form of self-care and you are in good company here if it's helping you to get things off your chest. It's also common for people who found ways to feel better to share them. If you ever want to vent for the sake of venting, feel free to let people know.

These are not just difficult relationships, they are the most difficult relationships. It's important to have a safe space where you can let out some steam 

[JazzSinger]

Livednlearn,

Thank you so much for sharing. 

It’s been 20 years with my uhwBPD, and the last 7 or 8, since we retired, have been the worst.  It’s because we’re together 24/7, and his illness really shows.  I’m a target — something to claw at, all day long, unfortunately. 

About 10 years ago, when his insults and put downs really spiked for awhile, I saw a therapist who was very good.  She gave me a lot of the tools I read about on this website now.  I worked with her, in secret from my husband, unfortunately, for about two straight years, and then  periodically,  thereafter.

During the earlier years that I worked with the therapist, apart from seeing my husband as a big baby in a high chair, I didn’t make use of most of the other tools she gave me.  I don’t know why. Guess I wasn’t ready.  Instead, I fought back, standing up for myself, disputing every insult, and challenging all of the terrible things he said about me and the rest of the world.  It was exhausting.

But now, I get it. 

I let a lot of it roll off of me.  I understand there’s no point in arguing with him — I’d just be giving him what he wants.  When he gets too angry, I get up and go to another room.  When I see he’s on the runway, revving his engines for another outburst, I walk away.  I’ve diffused WW3 many times.  I also spend time out of the house, with friends and other activities.  I engage in a lot  of self-care, to counteract my sometimes nightmarish existence at home. 

And in spite of all of the hurt and pain he’s caused, I try hard to be caring, loving, and understanding. Otherwise, I’ll be hating the sight of him most of the time, and I really can’t live like that. 

So that’s where I am. It’s not easy.  I cherish the days when he’s behaving normally. — being supportive and loving. 

One day at a time.