Need someone to listen

[needsupport33]

Hi everyone,

I'm new here...and I have absolutely nobody to talk to. I have what seems like an impossible situation, but I'm sure many are dealing with worse. In any case, I feel alone, and more than anything I'm just looking for someone to listen.

Brief backstory - I was married for 10 years, and caught my ex-spouse cheating on me with an older man (she was 33, he was 61...yep) a few years ago via a private investigator. I have two children with my ex-wife (ages 6 and 9 now), but decided to divorce her. My ex-wife quickly became a nightmare, but that's another story. I share 50/50 custody with her currently but we are in and out of court constantly.

Myself - I'm fairly certain I have Aspergers to some degree - I'm a very functional professional but generally socially awkward and timid. That's a longer story - but, long story short, I moved on very quickly after my divorce, and began dating a woman my age with 2 children, age 12 and 14 now. She is gourgeous...a 10/10, and a social butterfly. She was everything I thought that I could never have. Things were great...until they weren't.

We got married quickly, and she and her kids moved in with me and my kids. She has her kids basically 90% of the time, and I have mine 50/50 as I mentioned. It was a hard transition, but blending families always is. And I know, with my lack of robust communication skills, that I didn't make things easy.

But, that brings me to why I'm reaching out. And I can provide more details if requested...but after 2 years of being married now, I'm realizing how she might have BPD. One day I am "wonderful, the most wonderful dad and husband and step dad I could have ever found" and the next day I'm getting "I WANT A DIVORCE!" screamed (literally) in my face. Anything can set her off. Anything. But, the most hot button topic is her youngest daughter. I think she's a golden child...always running to be by her side (constantly), and if I'm being frank, CONSTANTLY trying to get all the other kids in the house in trouble. Her oldest child, although she fluctuates sometimes, is generally scapegoated. My son (9), is often scapegoated as well. That is the issue I'm having the most trouble with.

My wife's 12 year old has been caught by me, on multiple occassions, making up lies and situations, spinning things, in a way that just aren't true. The other day, her and my son were rough housing in the living room (playing/laughing) and I told them both to knock it off before they start "fighting". I am always extremely careful about disciplining or telling the 12 year old anything - because she will lie and spin things to her mom. When I told them "both" to knock it off - she had my sons arms behind his back and was spinning him around (she's an adult sized 12 year old). Mind you, he was laughing, they were giggling, but I could see the squabble coming.

To no surprise, my son comes crying that my step daughter "smashed my foot" (he was being dramatic). I didn't play into it - I told him they shouldn't be rough housing - his foot didn't have any marks, and to just separate and knock it off. My step daughter then (in typical fashion) found her mom and whispered to her how they had "agreed to stop but I accidentally stepped on his foot and then he started "beating" me with pillows". Of course, who is to say who is telling the truth? I said, to my wife "I don't believe either of them" and told both of them to knock it off and separate. My wife, in usual fashion, believed her daughter, and then yelled at my son later on for it.

Mind you, the next day, I was around a corner, and they were rough housing again - and the same situation was unfolding. My step daughter had his arms and he was checking into her and they were going back and forth. I then saw my step daughter (after no fighting happened) run up to her mom in another room and start to whisper about how he punched her (DID NOT happen). I called this out in front of both of them and my step daughter smiled like a kid that got caught lying - and everyone acknowledged that it was a bold faced lie. Her mom laughed it off...

Fast forward to today, I got raged at. About how I have to protect her daughter - about how my son is going to be an abuser and the only one disciplining him is her. About how he constantly antagonizes her daughter and nothing happens "they both get in trouble, never just him". And when I say raged at - I'm referring to something that has happened 100 times in the past 2 years. Screaming, threatening with divorce, "I'm so alone", all while I sit quietly and stare at a spot on the wall - which I've learned is the only safe thing to do. She has punched me (once), thrown broken glass at me (once), screamed at me to "get the f*** out (tens of times), and threatened me with divorce probably 50 times at this point.

All I need is a pat on the back to tell me that it'll be okay. I just need someone to listen.

Should I leave? Yes. I know that. But I've tried. The one time I tried to leave she made life an absolute living hell for 24 hours to the point where I caved, and then I was perfect again, the most loving husband, etc. But my custody situation and finances - I can't afford to move, and she isn't working anymore, her kids changed schools. This alternates between us being the brady bunch and everyone is so so happy to absolute hell on an every 5 day basis or so at this point.

[JoeBPD81]

Hi, man.

Wellcome to the family. I relate with most of what you say.

There are some days I feel I can't breathe, and I need someone to listen. those are the same days I feel I can't talk to my SO (Significant Other), or I would get into more trouble.

I didn't married again (previously married for 11 years) because I saw disfuction from day 1, but I thought she couldn't trust me but that eventually she would, because I'm a good honest person. I'm probably Asperger's as well. I relate to most of what I read about it, and I took an unofficial test and came out more into the spectrum that I anticipated.

My SO had two boys, 2 and 7 when we met. 12 and 17 now. Both with ASD and some other trouble. She is also diagnosed as Aperger and BPD (Among other things). To her, I'm the neurotypical outsider. And when I genuinelly say that I think this understand that or feel that, and sounds Asperger, she gets mad and tells me that I'm pretending. For the world I'm not neurotypical enough and for her I'm too neurotipical. It makes you feel so alone, and alien.

So the trust never came. We have her kids a 100% of the time. They lie everytime they open their mouths. But still she believes them more than me, that I have no reason for lying. As you say, s12 seems to be allways looking for trouble. And they both fight several times a day, it could start as a game, but always ends in vicious violence. I haven't had a day of peace in the last 8 years. 

So hey, be grateful you have some Brady bunch days.

Being new here, there's hope that you can find some tools to improve communication and the relationship in general. It is worth it to give it a shot before anyone can tell you if you should leave. Ultimately you're the only one who has all the data, and it's your decission. People who don't know about BPD will tell you to leave knowing 2 o 3 anecdotes. But we know it's not that easy.

Anyway, keep posting, keep learning, and I hope things give a turn for the better.

[needsupport33]

You have no idea how much you reading and responding to me means. Thank you so much for your words and insight.

[Smedley Butler]

Fast forward to today, I got raged at. About how I have to protect her daughter - about how my son is going to be an abuser and the only one disciplining him is her. About how he constantly antagonizes her daughter and nothing happens "they both get in trouble, never just him". And when I say raged at - I'm referring to something that has happened 100 times in the past 2 years. Screaming, threatening with divorce, "I'm so alone", all while I sit quietly and stare at a spot on the wall - which I've learned is the only safe thing to do. She has punched me (once), thrown broken glass at me (once), screamed at me to "get the f*** out (tens of times), and threatened me with divorce probably 50 times at this point.

that's rough, brother.  for what it's worth, i think you're handling it correctly by not taking sides.  obviously being in a mixed family adds a dimension of complexity that i have not experienced, but even with my own kids, i find, generally speaking, that it always seems to work better by not "scoring" their fights like a boxing judge to determine winners and losers, but rather acting like a boxing referee and just making sure that the house rules are being followed during the inevitable fights.  i dont know if that simile is worth a damn but it makes sense in my head. 

you're in a challenging situation for sure.  but i think being the steady voice of reason in the middle of Hurricane BPD and Tropical Storm Mixed Family will pay dividends in the lives of ALL of the kids later in their lives, both your biological kids AND hers.  hang in there brother, i think you're doing well.

[dtkm]

My uBPDh and I have a mixed family as well...it is NOT easy!  We also have kids together.  He will protect his kids like no other and depending on his mood, rage at "my" kids.  He has pretty much removed my stepdaughter from our family, not allowing her to go anywhere if he is not there with her with us, he lies to her, tells her not to speak to me or "my" kids, pulls her into his schemes, she is not responsible for any chores in the house, she can do no wrong, etc.  When she was younger, she used to apologize to me for not talking to me, etc, but now that she is older, she takes advantage of it.  Though, "my" kids are starting to see through her and not really want to be around her alone anyways.  She is so sweet to us when she is with her biological mom, but when with her dad, she is the opposite and is his little pawn, def a "yes, sir" type of relationship.  My two sons, the older one is "mine" and the younger one is "ours", like to wrestle a lot.  "My" son has gotten yelled at repeatedly about how abusive he is to our son.  He has gotten yelled at, threatened that my uBPDh will hurt my son, sent to his room, accused of all sorts of crap, and sometimes in front of friends, etc...to the point that I walked in on my son cutting himself once, which was apparently happening for a little while.  Our younger son even tells me that he sometimes feels bad for his brother as he doesn't think he should get in trouble or he even admits to his dad it was his fault and my uBPDh still yells at "my" son!  And to stop this I have told "my" son not to play with "our" son as it just gets him in trouble and he still gets in trouble as he doen't play!  Funny thing is, when he is in his good mood...guess who is the best, most athletic, smartest, he will go anywhere for him, etc child in the world..."my" son!  But...he is at the point where he wont give his father the time of day.  I don't really have any suggestions, as I wish I had some myself, but I do wish that I could stay calm like you do!  I get super heated when he goes at any of my children (I am a super mama bear), which probably makes things worse (which I know is why he does it to get my attention!)  I always try to show all of my kids that I have their back and protect them however I can, rounding back to check in with them after.  I also have all of "my" and "our" kids in therapy...and surprise surprise he refuses to put "his" child in therapy and will not acknowledge that the other kids are in therapy...     

[livednlearned]

All I need is a pat on the back to tell me that it'll be okay. I just need someone to listen.

Blending families is hard, period. And when there is BPD it's like what Smedley said: Hurricane rolled into a tropical storm. Probably a tornado every now and then.

My husband and I both have BPD ex spouses. Together we have 4 kids (22, 24, 26, 29). Three of them have autism. If it's any consolation, how you handled things with the kids seems to me as good as anyone could do in your situation. Your stepdaughter sounds like trouble. I really feel for you when there's one kid, especially one who isn't yours, who is constantly whipping up drama.

I've had a couple of BPD family members -- first a sibling then an ex husband -- and after that a stepdaughter (SD26) who in many ways has been the most difficult because her aggression is covert, kind of like what you describe with your stepdaughter. At least with open aggression it's a bit more obvious what the deal is. For me, covert aggression was way harder to address.

When SD26 lived with us, a common drama triangle would be: Me and SD26 having a conversation about nothing in particular. Then later SD26 tells H I said something mean. Then H getting upset and asking me to make things right with SD26. This game seemed to thrill SD26.

It took me a while to figure out what was happening. Second year she lived with us after going away to college I kind of set her up. I asked if we could discuss this problem we kept having and see if she was open to fixing it. When she agreed that I said things that hurt her feelings, I recommended we record our conversations so we could listen back together with her dad, since he was having a hard time understanding what was happening. As an aside, I notice with pwBPD in my life that solutions are problems. SD26 didn't want a solution because the problem is where she thrives. She couldn't think of a real reason to shoot down the solution, and the problem kind of went away. She knew if she ran to H about me, I would suggest we record our conversations and where's the fun in that.

I wish I could say things got better but the behaviors just morphed into something else problematic, as they do when BPD is involved.

For example, SD26 kept leaving the pantry open (all signs pointed to her) which was an offer our dog could not refuse. He had to be taken to the vet a few times and SD26 pinned this on my son, S22, who is still livid about this. My response was that the only thing that mattered was figuring how the pantry door was not shutting properly, and we could install a camera. This ended the pantry door problem.

Your solutions might be different and you may encounter more resistance from your BPD wife, especially because she's (becoming?) prone to physical violence and she may see your stepdaughter as an extension of herself.

I guess where I'm going with this is that sometimes weird little specific solutions work, in addition to the suite of communication skills people learn here, like SET and validation. I don't want to give you false hope that things are easy to solve because they're not. I developed a tic when SD26 lived with us and thought about leaving the relationship, especially because I left an abusive BPD marriage and thought I was done with BPD family members.

But I do think if you carve out a small bit of sanity for yourself where you can shore up strength and clear your head, there are probably ways to sort of whac-a-mole your way through some of these blended family issues, at least to try and stop some of the bleeding.

And by all means go for small wins. I started with my son. He was an only child with an alcoholic, emotionally and verbally abusive BPD father and I kind of practiced extreme validation with him so he didn't feel so alone. Scapegoats tend to have an exceptional ability to see whether something is fair or not. With S22, I remember telling him that I didn't think the situation was fair either, and asked him what he would do. I'm not sure a child psychologist would approve any of this but walk a day in our shoes! It's not easy. If my goal was to make things less worse than sometimes the solutions would be unorthodox.

Anyway, my son and I have a strong bond that I think comes from treating the stressors in his life with the gravity they deserved. We are all doing our best to survive these relationships and feeling alone definitely doesn't help make things better. I figure the same had to be true for him, too.

Glad you posted. I stick around here because the loneliness nearly destroyed me and finding this site turned my life around. It's too much to shoulder on your own. You need buddies who get it, who have been there, and above all understand these are not relationships you just walk away from without real consequences.

[ForeverDad]

What stood out to me was the repeated "I want a divorce" challenges.  In my mind there are few incidents that can compare to that level of discord.

That she hasn't divorced you thus far inclines me to believe those are manipulative and controlling attempts to bring you back into line, her line.  Divorce threats are not healthy to a relationship.

Yes, I and many others here have been there too.  In my final married years she threatened divorce whenever she felt stressed - she could have responded differently - and so I was always the undeserving scapegoat, the Whipping Boy.  And so I finally stood up to the poor behaviors and yes we did divorce.  Continuing to live and be disrespected like that was essentially intolerable.  Maybe you're not to that point yet but I suspect you will be.  Be thankful you two didn't make more children together that would make a divorce even more complicated.

[needsupport33]

Thanks to everyone for all the responses and insight and support.

Today was chaotic but thankfully I kept myself in the white. It was her oldest daughter, the scapegoat, that got the brunt of it today. But I was able to keep me and my kids out of it.

Her youngest daughter, 12F, is the golden child. Whenever anything remotely negative happens, and I mean anything (today the kids were all annoying each other, and I guess her oldest told her to stop being a baby or something), she manages to isolate herself (to which her mom always goes running to fix it), start crying, and cry to her mom about everything bad that has ever happened to her (always manipulated versions of reality). Today, her daughter focused on telling her about all the bad stuff her older sister does and says to her (which isn’t true - they go back and forth like normal siblings). This caused my wife to lay in bed with her for half the day watching movies, and then at the slightest conflict between the two girls, my wife sided with the golden one and immediately split the older/scapegoat. She began screaming and yelling about how terrible she is to her younger sister.

I’ve made the mistake before of trying to defend the oldest, but today, I just slowly backed out of the room. I managed to stay in the white and so did my biological kids today. I’m learning how to make smarter decisions, but this isn’t love. I’m just exhausted. I can’t imagine being able to navigate this long term. I give it 5 years, maybe. I’m heartbroken saying that, because I do have feelings for her. But I’m just so tired.

She just took the golden child to Target. As they were leaving, my stepdaughter was gloating subtly to my children about how she gets to go to target. Thankfully my kids, even though they are just 6 and 9, were smart enough not to respond.

This is all on the back end of being split last Thursday myself. What’s insane, is sitting here typing this, I don’t even recall what she was angry at me about. It was that small. But she ended up throwing a full hamper of clothes over the banister to our room onto my head. The hamper cracked on the bottom it hit me so hard. The next morning?…she was giggling showing me a funny Facebook reel.

I literally have altered my vision of what my life is. I imagine that my home is a mental hospital. Not a home filled with love, but a hospital where I have to care for a mentally ill woman. Thankfully I am a physician, literally. But the mental gymnastics required here are so tiring.