Struggling to Hold Boundaries with My BPD Daughter

[Parents! Get help here!]

Last week, tensions in my home reached a breaking point. My 23-year-old daughter with BPD became violent towards my 19-year-old son and me. She threatened both of us, and out of desperation, I had to ask her to leave our home.

Her rapid mood swings are both unpredictable and draining. One moment, I'm the "perfect" mother, and the next, I'm the villain. Every attempt at communication seems to be turned against me, and I often feel manipulated and misunderstood. Setting boundaries is met with violent outbursts or extreme emotional reactions.

On the advice of my therapist, I communicated a boundary: she needs treatment as a condition for living in our home. When she made threats, I involved the police for a wellness check. They didn't find her at fault but emphasized the importance of her safety.

She's currently staying with her alcoholic father in an unhygienic environment. When she came home briefly, she looked unkempt and distressed. My son is isolating himself from her. Every time she's around, the environment becomes charged with tension. She has started therapy but refuses more intensive treatment options.

Holding this boundary is one of the hardest things I've ever done, and watching her suffer is heartbreaking. The emotional toll on me is immense, evident in sleepless nights and constant worry.

[SacredWarriorCH]

Last week, tensions in my home reached a breaking point. My 23-year-old daughter with BPD became violent towards my 19-year-old son and me. She threatened both of us, and out of desperation, I had to ask her to leave our home.

Her rapid mood swings are both unpredictable and draining. One moment, I'm the "perfect" mother, and the next, I'm the villain. Every attempt at communication seems to be turned against me, and I often feel manipulated and misunderstood. Setting boundaries is met with violent outbursts or extreme emotional reactions.

On the advice of my therapist, I communicated a boundary: she needs treatment as a condition for living in our home. When she made threats, I involved the police for a wellness check. They didn't find her at fault but emphasized the importance of her safety.

She's currently staying with her alcoholic father in an unhygienic environment. When she came home briefly, she looked unkempt and distressed. My son is isolating himself from her. Every time she's around, the environment becomes charged with tension. She has started therapy but refuses more intensive treatment options.

Holding this boundary is one of the hardest things I've ever done, and watching her suffer is heartbreaking. The emotional toll on me is immense, evident in sleepless nights and constant worry.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Sancho]

Hi SacredWarriorCH
The pain of these situations is just indescribable isn't it? This awful illness makes us go against the very nature of our being - to protect and nurture our children. The internal turmoil of BPD makes them lash out at the very ones who are there to support them.

There are times when it seems we are all sinking together - parent, child, siblings. For you it came to a point where it was impossible to continue - a point of no return really. When you and others are unsafe there is no option but to draw a line in the sand.

There is a very tiny ray of sunshine in that dd has started some therapy. It sounds like you would like her to be more involved, or doing some other therapy? - but at least it is something.

It also sounds as though she is still in contact with you (though her brother stays out of the way I gather when she is around). I know exactly what you mean when about the tension when bpd dd is around - same here!

Am I right in thinking dd is at least safe when staying with her father? My dd was on the streets or in dreadful relationships at that age.

Your heart is breaking, you are exhausted, and it seems like there is no end in sight. We know that feeling. Somehow we have to find a bit of strength and energy to carry on - a day at a time. Can you find a small amount of time each day to just put this aside for a few brief moments, breathe deeply and tell yourself that you are doing all you can for your dd, you love her deeply and the steps you have/are taking are because you love her.

You came to a point really where you had no option but to draw that boundary. Hold on to that, take things day at a time, support dd in any little positive step that she takes - and make sure you are kind to yourself- because the journey with a loved bpd child is challenging and exhausting.

You are not alone on this journey. Sometimes when I am overwhelmed I come to this site and think of all the people, all over the world who are going through the same as I am . . . .

[SacredWarriorCH]

Thank you. I didn't see your response until today. My dd has been coming over every few days to shower, cuddle with the dog, grab a dinner to go, and some clean clothes.

She doesn't trust her father, plus his house is rodent-infested. She's been sleeping in her car.

It's horrible. I have to shut off my feelings when I make her leave late in the night. And then she cries and my son starts to rage. It's hell on earth. And then when a break-down and let her stay, she refuses and speeds away.

[Sancho]

Hi SacredWarriorCH
Yes it certainly sounds like hell on earth. Can I ask what therapy dd has started and how often she attends etc? Also am I right that you said when you do agree to let her stay she races off? If so, that is one of the most difficult thing I find with my dd: when I offer a solution it is always rejected.

Can I ask if dd is on any medication? BPD often exists with other comorbidities - depression, anxiety etc - and while there is no medication specifically for BPD, treating co-existing problems can benefit the overall picture.

For example, when my dd uses a simple antidepressant the point at which she triggers (flies off, blames me, verbal abuse, threats etc) is a lot higher - it seems to lift the bar in my dd's case.

Also if there is anxiety etc, if these can be addressed, it can be really helpful for specific BPD therapy to work.

You may have explored all these lines so sorry if  that is the case. I really feel for your situation, it is - like so many of us here, just unbearable.

[SacredWarriorCH]

She has started workign with a therapist who uses NARM (https://drlaurenceheller.com/narm-introduction/) and she has a psychiatrist. She's not on mood medication anymore. She also doesn't smoke weed anymore either.

She's been sleeping in her car and at her boyfriend's house. Her dad's house is rodent infested and very dirty.

[Sancho]

Thanks for the response SacredWarriorCH
I looked up the link your posted. I hear of trauma therapy a good deal currently but I'm not sure in relation to BPD. It's good that both therapy and psychiatrist are involved.

Giving up weed is quite impressive - my dd is totally dependent. Have you noticed dd's symptoms have increased since giving up? If so things might settle if dd is going through a withdrawal time.

Your pain must be unbearable - made worse by the sense of being cornered with no clear pathway out of this awful situation. When I have gone/am going through such times the only thing I try to do is focus on each day and respond as best I can to whatever that day brings - it's the only thing that is within my control.

Hope there is some breakthrough soon . . .

[LotusS]

Dear SacredWarriorCH,
it certainly is a very sad situation -that only parents with adult BPD kids can comprehend with  NO judgment.
My DD is 20, and it seems that our families all struggle quite a lot around the ages 18- in their twenties. There is much to juggle at those ages.
I am sorry that she has to stay at her dad’s house which you describe as unsanitary. This is so hard for you, I know.
My DD20 is also odious to her brother (older by 22 months) and it breaks my heart-how much he tried to help her each time she has gone in his room at 3am hysterical and in tears- after another dramatic social event- this weekend (dad’s bday, no less) she yelled at him that she does not care about him, his feelings, that he is horrible to her, the favorite, that she hates him, he can go and die , etc…I ‘ m sure this sounds familiar to you-unfortunately. I would have done the same thing-I hope-if she had threatened  me or him.
I had to try and talk my son off the edge through my own tears  and explain that she is sick.
Just to share with you that I understand your pain with your daughter, and that your boundaries are there to help you keep your sanity. Keep communications open with her.
The silver lining with your healthy boundary: she is in therapy