Feeling guilty

[@Chata]

 
I am feeling so guilty about leaving my husband of 30 years who has BPD. He is seeing a psychologist after many years of me begging him to go. I am also seeking support as my mental health is declining. He was so abusive verbally, emotionally and starting to get physical. Today he called me and made me feel so guilty and said that he has changed. I am lost.
I'm begging for advice.

[Tangled mangled]

I am feeling so guilty about leaving my husband of 30 years who has BPD. He is seeing a psychologist after many years of me begging him to go. I am also seeking support as my mental health is declining. He was so abusive verbally, emotionally and starting to get physical. Today he called me and made me feel so guilty and said that he has changed. I am lost.
I'm begging for advice.

The confusion!
I’m hoping you will receive serious help. Have you discussed this with your therapist?
It’s not uncommon for pwbpd to declare their improvements suddenly after 30yrs of abuse.
For me , the most difficult aspect of leaving was the relentless self doubt I was afflicted with.

My ex also started doing all the things I had begged him to do towards the end. He enrolled ion a course that he cared little about to prove his point. Started working out to show he is a changed man and also to leverage, he started virtue signalling to maintain his perceived superiority.

If you feel comfortable, can you share more information about why you feel lost?
I’m guessing you believe he has changed and so your mind is torturing you about throwing away a 30 yr marriage.
Your mental health is now at stake, the worst thing you can do for yourself is get stuck in this situation and your mental and physical health declines to a point where you can no longer leave.
The truth is, you will miss him because you are trauma bonded. There’s a YouTuber called Narc con , who described what you are experiencing so well. She describes the relationship as an addiction, as for yrs and in your case decades, he hijacked your dopamine supply, giving you little hits in the form of drama and destroying all your other dopamine supply- things that make you happy.
My ex was only physically abusive towards the end of our relationship.
How much more are you willing to tolerate.

[ForeverDad]

After 30 years and only now "he has changed"? More like only now he's been forced to face the matter.

Granted, maybe now he might be changing, but the reality is you can't be sure he really will change going forward.  For all you know he may be making promises but slow walk real improvements.  (Recovery is a process, not an event.  Processes take time.)

His behavior over the past decades was his "comfort zone".  He may really think (or claim to you) he has changed but the huge challenge is for him to resist relapsing into past patterns.

So my recommendation is that, presuming you accept such promises, do so with caution, that you agree you both must continue counseling/therapy and time will tell whether he proves with actions that he has changed.

You "are leaving".  You do not have to return immediately.  You may choose to wait until you have more convincing reason to believe he has truly changed sufficiently for the better.