I need encouragement to stick to my decision

[Julianne60]

  My daughter (30, married, living out of state) has BPD.  Without going in to all the details, she regularly out of nowhere texts me terrible insults and says horrible things to me.  Yesterday, she did it again and it has continued throughout today.  I have not responded because I just can't do it anymore. Her and I talk constantly and I always make sure I say good morning or you are doing a great job any time she does ANYTHING.  I have to!  I also micromanage my husband to comment positively to her messages. My husband, other daughter and son have asked me many times to cut off contact, but I couldn't.  I am not ready to do that, but for the first time, I have not answered any of these messages.  I just don't want to talk to her.  It causes so much stress and I obsess all day and night about her.  I have panic attacks and any time the phone rings I panic. When she does this I sometimes wish I would go to sleep and never wake up.  I need any kind of support/feedback. Th
ank you so much

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Sancho]

Hi Julieanne60
You are not at a point of cutting off, but you are at a turning point. The intense emotions of BPD and constant verbal abuse towards the target of blame can get us into a situation in which we respond in certain ways to calm the volatile situation. This becomes a circular pattern.

You have stepped out of the circle and not responded. It is not surprising if you feel uneasy, guilty, sad anxious. That is normal for the first step. The challenge now is to hold the line.

In my case my dd was in a very bad way at one point in time and you can imagine what abuse was hurled at me as the target of blame. One day I casually said that when she was 'going off' at me in future I was not going to respond because i could see that she needed time and space to de-escalate'.

She looked puzzled but I have done this ever since and it is great. The key is to do it and stay relaxed - you don't have to enter into the tirade, respond, solve etc. Let it fly past you without reacting.

Perhaps you could do something similar? You haven't responded to the latest, so perhaps you could take this moment to explain that you won't respond when she is talking this way because it is not helpful.

I think keeping it low key, expect more abuse in response etc, but just hold the line - a calm, non judgemental, 'I know you need to de-escalate' line.

As I mentioned this is a first step. You will still feel all your emotions but keep reminding yourself of the 3 C's - I didn't cause this, I can't control it and I can't cure it.

Let's know how you go.

[InTheWilderness]

Hi, Julianne60,

That sounds tough, and I can relate. I find myself being a cheerleader to my son to the point I don’t even recognize myself! But if it will help put a stop to those anxiety-provoking phone calls, then it seems worth it! However, I’m learning there are better ways.

Are you familiar with NEABPD? Their Family Connections course helps you learn how to validate your pwBPD and communicate in ways that preserve your own mental health. If you’re not familiar with them, I encourage you to visit their website. Lots of good info there.

It sounds like you’re trying to observe your own limits. Good for you!  You can’t support your daughter if you’re not tending to your own mental health. That is paramount!

My son has strong suicidal ideation and though I told him I wanted to support him when he’s really struggling with it, I would much prefer not to hear from him during those times! It’s very anxiety provoking and I’m trying to learn how to manage my own distress over this. I have spent many sleepless nights worrying if he is okay. That’s not sustainable!

You’re not alone, Julianne60. This disorder is very hard. My world has been turned upside down in the past year and a half and I don’t know if we’ll ever see better times. But I will say through the support of people on this website and the support services at NEABPD, I am hopeful.

What are you doing for yourself, Julianne60? I hope you can carve time for yourself everyday to decompress—whether that’s exercising, meditating, taking walks in nature, spending time with friends, pursuing your hobbies, etc.

[Julianne60]

Thank you so much for responding.  I don't feel so alone now.  I have not responded to her and blocked her number because I can't take the barrage of hate and lies she's sending. I'm trying not to obsess over "proving" the things she is saying about me aren't true. And yes, I am nervous and anxious.  I never in a million years would have thought this, but right now I wish we could just part ways and live our own lives. She speaks to no one in our family the way she does to me because they won't put up with it.  I'm trying to show her I won't either.
I'm sorry this is happening to your family too.
Thank you again and I hope you are having a nice Thanksgiving.

[kells76]

Hi Juliane60;

These seem like wise choices:

I'm trying not to obsess over "proving" the things she is saying about me aren't true. And yes, I am nervous and anxious.  I never in a million years would have thought this, but right now I wish we could just part ways and live our own lives. She speaks to no one in our family the way she does to me because they won't put up with it.  I'm trying to show her I won't either.

It can be a loving thing to do to demonstrate to your D30 that harsh language and insults won't get her the interaction that she seems to crave. You are modeling for her that a person doesn't have to "stick around" to listen to abusive words -- you respect yourself too much for that. Hopefully she can internalize what you're showing her, and choose good relationships and interactions in the future. Even if she can't, you are still declining to participate in being targeted, like Sancho discussed.

Over time, you can decide if you want to unblock her number and only respond to neutral-to-positive messages from her. Or, you might need a longer break from her. Either way is ok. Resources like NEABPD (as InTheWilderness mentioned) can be good supports as you figure out what you want and need, moving forward.

How did your Thanksgiving go?