Should I provide a way for my BPD daughter to contact me

[KitKat68]

Hi everyone. The subject line is pretty much the entirety of my question. But for reference I think it’s good to point out we have been estranged from our daughter wBPD for a couple years now and the couple times she has tried to make contact she has been completely vile and nasty and I finally blocked her everywhere. My husband also blocked her everywhere and she doesn’t talk to her siblings/their spouses anymore but I don’t think they have each other blocked anywhere. There’s just no communication by choice on both sides (between her and them). One of our other kids is just by nature a terrible communicator with everyone and our other kid and their spouse are very close with us and chose on their own to stop communicating with her. We went out of our way to make sure we didn’t influence either of our other kids to make a decision either way. They’re all adults and need to make their own decisions about her.

At any rate, I was particularly angry when I did block my daughter from my phone/emails and the last time I heard from her was earlier this year when she sent me another abusive email that I gave a no emotion, fragment sentence response to and then blocked her there too. No communication since. Time has passed and my anger about the email has subsided but I’m well aware the likelihood she’ll be abusive towards me/us in the future is extremely high. I don’t see reconciliation in the near or even distant future and I don’t have anything at all, not good or bad, to say to her anymore. Although the situation which led to our current, couple year estrangement didn’t involve anyone’s kids, she has made it impossible to see our grandkids while also claiming we’re neglecting the little ones and I’m sure telling others the same. Smear campaigns, that’s how they go. Ugh.

My husband does not think she should have any way to contact us. He was the one who gave her the most chances and ultimately got burned by her like a lot of us have. He feels she has made her choices and needs to live with them without having an easy way (email, texts) to verbally abuse us. I largely agree with him. But for whatever reason I feel some mild guilt about her having no way to contact me/us directly and have considered setting up and advising her of an email address she could use if needed. Is this some kind of mom guilt driving my idea? Another part of me thinks setting up the email is a really bad idea and I could just be setting myself up for further abuse. Per the usual there never seems to be a right answer when it comes to our daughter.

Otherwise contacting us is now relegated to her showing up at our house (she lives a few hours away and isn’t likely to make the drive), or sending something snail mail (which she hasn’t done at all during this or any previous estrangement from us), or relying upon her siblings’ willingness or possible lack thereof to relay a message to us from her - my other kids have both mentioned they don’t hear from her ever about anything at all. She’s also estranged for different reasons from my one living parent and knows better than to contact them as my parent wouldn’t cooperate and she knows that.

Sorry for the novel.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Leaf56]

No do not give her any way to contact you that doesn’t already exist, meaning snail mail and driving over. Yes of course you feel guilty. I feel guilty every day. Buy this is something that I have decided to accept because the alternative is unacceptable. You’re doing the right thing. Hugs to you!

[Sancho]

Hi Kitkat68
I am so sorry for your situation. I think everyone here understands how things are for you because we are all dealing with BPD - this awful illness with all it's manifestations; abuse, spreading awful stuff about us, emotional blackmail etc.

When it comes to whether or not someone should minimise or cut off contact, I think only that person can make that decision. I would not want the responsibility of advising someone to cut off contact as I believe only that person can and should make that decision. Of course they have a perfect right to do so themselves.

Your family members seem to have made decisions for themselves and it is just yourself wondering and feeling somewhat guilty about not making an easy way for dd to contact you.

We all understand the dilemma. The feeling of guilt and sense of responsibility versus opening the door to further abuse etc
BPD features can coincide with a huge range of individual abilities to function. In coming to a decision, some questions would be how well does your dd function eg does your dd have a partner, children, how old are the children, is the relationship relatively stable (ie has it continued for a while - yes there would probably be some difficulties of course but it seems to survive these), can dd hold a job even if they change jobs, are they able to get new ones fairly easily.

My dd is very low functioning and self medicates. She has tried with my support to live independently but it is not possible. So these factors have influenced my decision. I think if my dd were able to function better independently my decision could be very different.

Your dd lives several hours away so I am assuming she lives independently and has done so for some time? If this is the case you have done a great job! Take your time to think it all through: what is dd's life consist of now: what difference would it make for her to have easier contact; is dd standing on her own two feet to an extent at all.

I am reminded of the Johnnie Cash song 'The Gambler' - 'you got to know when to hold em, know when to fold em, know when to walk away, know when to run . . '

You will know what is the right decision for you at this moment in time.

[kells76]

Hi KitKat68, I'd like to add my welcome along with the others welcoming you here 

It's good that you can recognize this may be going on for you:

I feel some mild guilt about her having no way to contact me/us directly and have considered setting up and advising her of an email address she could use if needed. Is this some kind of mom guilt driving my idea? Another part of me thinks setting up the email is a really bad idea and I could just be setting myself up for further abuse. Per the usual there never seems to be a right answer when it comes to our daughter.

Like Leaf56 mentioned, your D has already figured out how to contact you if needed -- she has resourcefully decided to use snail mail, and can apparently independently drive herself around.

What would be your hope if you were to set up the 2nd email address?

And like Sancho wrote:

 

Take your time to think it all through: what is dd's life consist of now: what difference would it make for her to have easier contact; is dd standing on her own two feet to an extent at all.

Would starting the 2nd email address be for her sake, or yours?

Guilt is a hard one. I wonder if sitting with that a little longer, figuring out where it's coming from, could help you get some clarity about how to proceed. I don't think there's one right answer here -- every situation is different -- and one of the strengths of this board is hearing wide ranging perspectives from many parents about what worked in their situations, and what worked can range from "absolutely no extra ways of contact" through "live in my home".

Let us know how things are going with your family, whenever works best for you 

kells76

[KitKat68]

Hi Sancho,

DD is an alcoholic (binge drinker) who is married, kids are in grade school, is employed full time but with significant issues. It’s a work environment full of other alcoholics and enablers and most of them like DD have at least one dui. She and her boss (business owner) have also been in trouble for financial fraud. If the people she works with weren’t just as toxic as she is she would’ve lost her job ages ago. So on the surface she appears high functioning but there are many problems lurking just beneath all that. The problems she causes have often landed her in jail, to include the dui’s. She knows we won’t bail her out of jail or help her with the legal troubles so she doesn’t even bother contacting us when she gets arrested, which is fine by me. Therefore no need for an open line of communication with her for that reason.

All that being said she is on her own and has been for a long time and there’s nothing at all we currently have to discuss. She told me in her last email that if I didn’t once and for all comply with her demands for us to attend therapy with her that she would “cut us off for good” and my stance on these demands for attending therapy with her have for years been a firm no. I don’t have to try it to know she likely wouldn’t even show up at the appointment and I know she has ill intent anyway. If she magically appeared at an appointment it would be with a therapist she’d already met with and I’d spend the entire time having to defend myself from whatever they’d already discussed. Years ago I was willing to go to therapy with her if the therapist was someone new to both of us and she adamantly refused.

Otherwise, for the last couple years her only and very few instances of communication directed at me have all been extremely abusive and accusations that consist only of things she’s actually done to us rather than vice versa - all projection. She is currently blocked everywhere and all she has left is to show up here or use snail mail, neither of which she’s done thus far. I also very much doubt she would do either as she prefers the instant gratification of what she can try to do from her phone.

Typing this out I can see so much better it really doesn’t make any sense for me to bother with opening a second email, it would be like asking to be abused.

[Leaf56]

Good for you, kitkat. Yes, typing it out is often what brings me around too. Feel free to post on my no/minimal contact thread below whenever you need to do that. I created it for the purpose of being amongst like-minded people who need support to stay strong when the guilt becomes unbearable. And don't worry. I know that the guilt does not come from the idea in your own head that you've done anything wrong in raising your daughter, because I'm sure you haven't. It comes from cutting off communication with a child you gave birth to, for whom you had hopes and dreams, and with whom you pictured having a lifelong loving relationship. Cutting off creates guilt because that means you've (mostly) given up, and society tells us that's the last thing we should do. But most of society has not walked in our shoes. So to them I say: I and the rest of my family are just as important as my BPD child, and I and they do not deserve this abuse and we will no longer stand for it.

And as an aside, OF COURSE that's what would happen if you went to her therapist. You don't need to question that decision at all.

[Sancho]

Hi Kitkat68
It is great that you have worked through the decision making process by spelling out the situation in your post here. It has given you the clarity to come to your own decision, and I think when we do this we can move on peacefully (whatever decision has been made).

[Flossy]

For me, in the process of the same kind of thinking, I came to the conclusion that the Only way she would ever be able to contact me ever again, was to drive for two hours to see me or send me a snail mail letter. Effort, a way that requires a lot of effort.

That has changed more recently. I have now moved sold my home where she had my address and moved to a new address that I have made private on the Electoral Roll.

I want it to be even harder for her to contact me. She will have to hire a private detective or similar to find me now. I have blocked her on FB. I guess she could use another FB account to message me from, but I am not even sure I would answer her through that portal. It is too easy to do. They like quick, easy, instant gratification. I am not giving her that.

I do not care any longer if I see her again. My life has become to precious for. me. This is the daughter who was the light of my life for 40 years until she decided I was no longer useful to her since she married into a controlling wealthy family and I became redundant.

It gets better, but not through contact. That's how it is for me.