Hello Missing You and welcome to the group
So much of what you've been through will sound familiar to members here -- divorce from the other parent who has a disorder, odd signs and difficulties over the years, and a realization when your child is 20-something that there's more than "just being a teen" going on.
I never believed my child could inherit his father’s disorder because I naively thought my parenting would save the day. Boy was I wrong!
We so want our love and support to be enough for healing our kids (I'm a stepmom to two; their mom and stepdad both have many PD traits). I read on an adoption blog once something to the effect of: we need to grieve the fact that our love and care cannot heal the past, and our kids will have trauma and will need to work through that on their own.
As far as I'm aware,
BPD is currently thought to have both genetic and environmental (nature and nurture) components that differ based on the individual. So, it makes sense that as much as you tried to positively parent your S24 (nurture), he may have had a lot of genetic factors in play already. (We have a discussion on
causes/risk factors for BPD if you want to check that out)
Now my son decided I have a narcissistic personality disorder and has cut off all communication. I understand why he has done it (to avoid pain) but it still hurts. I am patiently waiting for him to communicate, even though he can be combative. It’s so hard to love your child when they send out such deep hurtful messages.
As strange as this may sound, this could be positive that he's still occasionally reaching out (though in a really maladaptive way). Is he texting you these hurtful messages? What have you done in the past, when you've received stuff like that?
And is he living elsewhere (apartment, with friends, etc), holding down a job, in touch with any other family members?
I think you're being wise to pace communication to what he can handle, vs overwhelming him with multiple attempts to reach out and connect on your end. In a way, that shows you're hearing him underneath all his dysfunction. A "generally normal" adult child would be able to say: "Mom, thanks for your texts -- I'm going to be pretty busy for a while, so I'll only be able to respond about once a week" or "Mom, I need you to know that the amount of calls we're doing is too much for me -- let's call only once every two weeks, instead of every night" or something. He doesn't have that skill set and so uses low-skill communication to get his needs met -- hurtful messages will by default push people away and create space, which it sounds like he needs right now.
As you shoulder all this hurt and grief, do you have a support system around you? Friends, therapist, other family? Coping with BPD is too much for one person to do alone
