New here. I'm so lost and confused.

[bagbigred]

I'm fresh out of what I was trying to make final break up with my partner who I was pretty sure they were BPD. I hate to diagnose someone, but at least the tendencies line up, so I felt like a lot of the information here is relevant regardless. Also worth noting I'm Bipolar ADHD and that affects my judgment a lot.

My struggle right now is the desire to run back to him. I'm feeling lonely, and sad, and thinking about all the good times without the bad. I keep thinking, "Maybe the good was worth it." But I was hoping to give a little back story and maybe get a take from those who have experienced similar things. Some of the events may be out of order or mixed up because it happened so many times, but they were similar and almost interchangeable, so I did my best to put my memories in order.

My partner and I met online through gaming. We bonded immediately. We were into almost all the same things. We meshed perfectly. It was like a match made in heaven. I, bipolar ADHD, finally found someone who understood me. We became fast friends and then went into a relationship very quickly.

Throughout the process, I was open. I showed him everything. He knew everything about me, but he cited his insecurities and baggage as the root cause of that. His back story was that his mother committed suicide in the past 5 years and he's still processing that.

The first time we said I love you was because he was threatening to leave and I wanted to show him how much I genuinely cared. I do love him, but it was brought to light by the trauma of him almost leaving.

Everything was great at first. We would play games all the time. We'd talk constantly. We had over 120,000+ messages sent back and forth. It was amazing. But then little things started to happen. He would say he was feeling off and then stop responding to me. He would tell me, "I'm hopping on in a few minutes," and then not respond until the next morning, saying he either fell asleep or he was having an anxiety attack. Eventually, we decided to have a set of emojis he could put if he was having an attack so I knew, and he didn't disappear. He did it for a little while but stopped eventually.

The first time it got scary was when I could tell he was off, and when I asked if we could hang out, he said, "I'll let you know". I said, "You'll pencil me in?" trying to note how serious he was sounding, and he went, "What the f*** does that mean?" and told me he was just on the suicide hotline, and that just pushed him over the edge. He then blocked me so all my messages bounced back. I was hysterical. He had only given me one way to contact him so I scoured everything to try and find other ways. Eventually, he unblocked me, and we talked it out. After this first time, this happened a few more times, but eventually, this stopped being the catalyst.

Things were going well again. He introduced me to a group of friends that we would play games with and we all clicked fast, I thought. He later told me, "It was great until you joined" (and later denied he said this and said if he did, he didn't mean it the way I took it). One night he just left the game while we were playing with them and removed them all as friends. He refused to talk about them and wouldn't play with them and was upset if I mentioned them.

I don't remember the trigger for this next one, but he blocked me again and I begged to get him back. This time, I decided I was going to try and move on, and I asked that group of people to play games with to help me distract myself. I had clicked with them and it was healing. He came back with loving words, saw I was playing with them, and proceeded to tell me to "F*** off" and "This is why I don't trust anyone. I'll always be alone." and all sorts of talk like that. I was shocked. This was a pattern. He would block me, and I would send messages until they stopped bouncing back, and he would come back to try and work it out, always saying that he was hurting and that he was sensitive, and I didn't consider that. He blocked me probably about 7-9 times if not more. He would sometimes unblock me, say something hurtful, and block me again, and I was left waiting for him to come back.

He always did. But it was always with a hurt sentiment and never apologizing for the hurtful things he said. I would tell him it was my fault for not being cognizant of his feelings and that I would be better.

The last few times that took a toll were the ramp-up to where I'm at now. He told me a story that was difficult for him to tell. I told him that I was sorry he had to deal with that and his feelings were valid. He then told me that those were copy pasted answers and I'm just brushing it off to talk about things I wanted to talk about. I cried and apologized for making him feel this way. He said he was in a long-term relationship with a narcissist before and had a hard time speaking up about how he was feeling, so I would apologize for making him feel like he was back in that relationship.

He would come back every time with "You really will stay with me through all of this?" "I'm such a mess and you'll still stay with me?" "You promise?" I would always say he was worth it and I would whether every storm with him. It comforted him for a while, but it never stuck that I was serious.

One of the last few big events was when he told me that he felt like he wasn't talking to an adult and we never had any true dialogue. He said I would ignore how he felt and then move to something I wanted to talk about instead. He said that it was all the time and he was sick of not being able to talk because you keep changing topics. I'm bipolar ADHD and my brain moves fast, and I think that caused a lot of problems between us both. He wanted to sit and dwell on topics while I was moving so fast that I didn't realize I had steamrolled him. It hurt so bad when he said that. He said, "I was sad when I was alone, but I sure as hell wasn't as miserable as I am now." It felt like being punched in the stomach. So I decided to try and let him go... but was pulled back again.

In this specific incident, I asked what conversations were real and which weren't, and he became really upset, saying he "f*** hated himself. I'm f****** stupid." and went quiet. I stayed up all night watching my phone in fear of him doing something and was panicked when I realized I had fallen asleep at 3:30am for an hour. He came back. We smoothed it over. We made plans to be better. We moved on.

There was another time he sent a message that said something like "Is the coffee pot on?" and immediately deleted it. He lives alone, or at least he said he did. I heard a woman on the mic once (which he thought was muted, but it wasn't), and he said it was the TV and then had a bout of icing me out and telling me how hurt he was. Sometimes I'd hear coughing or noises in the background. I still don't have answers to these.

The last straw was on this last Thursday (I'm writing this on Monday). He went cold and then came back to tell me that he no longer felt a connection. He thought of me fondly, but he just didn't feel like he was getting what he needed out of the relationship. That he couldn't commit what was needed to get what he wanted." This was different than the other times. He was blaming me the other times for things I could fix, but this was just him saying he had no feeling of connection. I tried to understand but it ended in him leaving and me not responding.

He contacted me saying that he was sorry that he didn't communicate that well and that he wanted to say what the severity was. I said that I would be willing to hop on a call to discuss things, so we could both understand the problem that had happened last night. After an initial agreement, he dropped it and said, "Never mind." That night, he reached out again, and we began talking, and I was trying to understand what the actions were that led him to choose the "numbness" over working it out. He said his brain craved despair and agony and he couldn't help it. I told him I felt like I was being used as a means to those ends. He apologized.

I had been crying all day and had very little sleep, and was not able to respond in a way I felt appropriate, so I asked that we pick up the conversation the next day. I tried to set a boundary. He agreed initially but then came back with an "I don't care anymore bye. It was inevitable; I'm just saving us time. I am so glad to be finally done with this. Good f*** riddance. I want to forget this ever happened".

I was in shock. I was trying to talk things out but I needed time and space. I thought I had communicated it right but maybe I was asking too much. He blocked me and I decided to try to leave it at that. While crying in anguish for an entire day (I haven't stopped, really). I sent him this: "For both of our sakes, I’m going to block this conversation. I was hurt in a way that won’t heal easily and I need time. I want you to get the help you need so you can accept the love you’re given and not use it as a weapon to feed that desire for agony. Love is not a bartering chip. I love you. And I want nothing but your happiness and safety. But until there is change, there is no room for that love to flourish. I need time to heal. We both do."

I decided to take the plunge and step away. It was the hardest thing I ever had to send and I wept. I blocked him immediately after, attempting to protect myself from being drawn back. He then edited the message where he said good riddance and that he wanted to forget with a heartfelt message about not wanting to forget and wanting to learn. I had only blocked him in one place, so he added me again on the game we played (since he had removed me... again) and messaged me on Twitter with a voice message and 3 texts. He added me on TikTok, trying to contact me, but I had my DM's closed.

I had given him my phone number once when he was suicidal, and I was afraid of losing contact. he had saved it but never gave me his. I received a string of 7 texts over 3 minutes (all at 1am), each one promising time and space and then retracting it, saying he never should have contacted me and he is sorry he ruined everything and made it worse. He called and left a voice mail. All of which were begging for me to give him a chance to talk things out. I have been sobbing constantly for 4 days.

I haven't blocked him everywhere yet. That's where I'm at. Trying to decide if I need to cut him off everywhere and move on. But am I being irresponsible? Am I sending him down a path that is beyond repair? Is the bad really that bad and should I go back?

All I want right now is to sit and talk with him while we play the game together. I want to text him bout my day. I want to send pictures of a meme I found. I want him in my life. But he hurt me. over and over. But all I can think about is how much I miss him.

I don't know what to do. I'm in therapy and have a good support system but he didn't. This is another name reason why I'm so paranoid about blocking him. I want him to be okay. I love him. I want him to be safe. I want him back.

But I can't be pushed away anymore. I can't be told to f*** off anymore. I can't be so afraid of saying the wrong thing. I can't be hung up on every time we have an emotional conversation. I can't be afraid to sleep at night because I'm afraid he'll text me he'll be hurting himself. Or leaving without giving me a chance to fight for him. This was affecting my work. It was affecting my sleep. It was affecting my free time. It was all-consuming. My life was centered around making sure he was okay and in a good mood because those were the happy times. Those were the times that felt amazing and perfect. But the fear of them turning sour was always in the back of my mind. I don't know his last name. I didn't have his phone number. We always communicated on his terms.

I'm scared. I'm scared of what my leaving is doing to him. I'm scared to live without him. I want these feelings to go away. Is leaving the right thing? Am I doing this the right way? Is he going to be okay? I know he can't help a lot of his reactions to things, but I feel like there needs to be accountability still, right? He is suffering and hurting from something beyond his control, but does that mean I have to live with that to appease him?

I don't know. I just needed to talk to others who maybe understood these feelings.

Was it that bad? Or am I just being sensitive? Am I abandoning him when he needs me the most?

I hate this.

But I am happy that others might be able to help me process these feelings.

Sorry this was too long. It just felt good to get it all out on paper.

[ForeverDad]

Don't put too much importance on obtaining a diagnosis.

Most of us here never did get a diagnosis, in fact my domestic court studiously avoided any mental health issues during my divorce and even afterward while parenting.  After all, I was no one in the eyes of the professionals, not a trained expert.  I was only the man who married, lived with my spouse for over a decade and I only knew her best, yet that meant nothing in comparison to officialdom's policies and procedures.

What is left for us if we don't hear of a diagnosis?  We ponder the known traits of the various personality disorders (PDs), especially the acting-out ones which are focused on harm to others, and make our own judgments on which traits fit your ex.  That way, once we have our conclusions - which could be adjusted in the future as appropriate - then we can be more comfortable with our future informed decisions.