She cheated on me, and we have three children 3,6, and 9... she has been battling me at every turn because I believe she is now splitting me after I kicked her out because she would not end the relationship... She is currently living with the FP in someone's Livingroom where they are supposedly paying... she seems to be avoiding spending time with her kids...
Your priority has to be the children, not your soon-to-be ex-spouse (stbEx). I know it's hard but once the family fractured your priorities needed to change. The children are the top priority, they're minors, just kids. You're also a high priority since you need all your wits about you to care for them. As every air flight starts, "In the event of an emergency, put on your oxygen mask first, then help others. You aren't any help others without your own oxygen mask on."
My problem is that I went to see my lawyer today about this and suggested that I go for full custody (please understand I in no way want to keep the children from their mom. When she wasn't having issues as badly, I honestly think she was a good mom before this)...
I want it written out in the divorce that she has to seek therapy and follow the plan set out by her therapist, that she has to provide proof of a healthy residence, and honestly because I am worried about her instability in this new relationship that is occurring in an awful environment that she continue drug testing because I cannot imagine why else she would be willing to live like that.
When I divorced, my court and all the professionals associated with the court studiously ignored all mental illness aspects. In William Eddy's most excellent (and for us, essential) handbook, one of several, "
Splitting: Protecting Yourself While Divorcing Someone with Borderline or Narcissistic Personality Disorder" he stated that court assumes conflict and misbehavior is due to the separation and divorce, that most people calm down once the marriage is unwound. Sadly, about10-15% of cases have their issues rooted in acting-out personality disorders. Courts generally ignore that and just deal with the facts and documented evidence. (You would do well to follow that pattern. You couldn't "fix" your spouse and court won't even try.) "He always..." or "She always..." is essentially meaningless without documentation and so is maybe heard and then set aside as hearsay.
Continuing my story, no one listened to me. Though I knew her best, for over a decade, I was ignored since I was not trained as a psychological expert. It was not until nearly
six years after the final decree that the decision
finally put in writing, "This magistrate is very concerned whether it is in {child}'s best interest to allow him to spend significant periods of time with Mother... Although the Court is inclined to order Mother to have individual counseling, there is no {submitted} evidence that Mother has the funds to participate in such counseling or insurance to cover the cost." But it was just noted, not ordered. I had already had full custody for a few years but that hearing was when I finally got majority parenting time.
While court may eventually be willing to limit the other parent's time with the kids, it's unlikely it would link parenting time to her cooperating with therapy sessions. Maybe, but unlikely because how could anyone know whether it worked or worked enough? Courts deal with people as they are. You couldn't "fix" her and courts won't even try, from our experience.
Is this something I should try to inform her of and explain my reasoning beforehand to mitigate any possible problems from her.
No! Sorry to be so firm, that is exactly the wrong thinking. She's far more likely, once she has knowledge of your intentions or strategies, to use that advance knowledge you shared to
try to sabotage you and you parenting efforts. Follow your lawyer's experienced advice. I suspect he would tell you that many of your ideas can have poor outcomes. Listen to his/her experience.
A word about sharing information. If you intend to repair the marriage, then of course sharing would be expected to restore the trust. If she refuses to leave her new love interest, then how can there be trust? If the marriage is failing then you discuss only what is legally required
and what your lawyer approves to share. Usually that is some of the financial matters such as bills and of course parenting information and child exchanges, if there are any.
Sadly, while I have learned a lot by educating myself, I am still open to reconciling and don't want to possibly ruin that either because to me when she wasn't full blown in this mindset, she was a good person, very caring, loving, and extremely attentive to her children.
What you see now is what you get. So many here have hoped to manage somehow to convince their disordered spouse to revert back to the early days. The general outcome as been failure. Calling it "hopium" is a better description of your hopes.
Also, it seems her attachment to her new love interest is stronger than her attachment to her children. The reality is that you therefore can step forward in court and state truthfully that you would be a better parent in so many ways than their other parent.
