Dealing with anger

[Tangled mangled]

How do you deal with anger when handling the nastiness that pwbpd so casually dishes out.

So I have this hearing unrelated to my marriage or custody. In summary myself and my stbx husband are joint claimants in the case against a business.

In the first place, it was his lousy actions that exposed us to this crafty business we took to court. He steadfastly worked against my advice at the time. Four years ago I was totally unaware that he was deliberately sabotaging every aspect our lives as a family.
Now I’m getting support from a lawyer for this case and my ex husband is still doing everything he can to ruin it.

Mind, I have carried the burden of all this unsupported by him all these years.

#2 This evil entity continues to accrue a huge amount of debt in unpaid child maintenance while demanding I pay half of debts he has accrued on the mortgage arrears and utilities.

I just want him to receive his karma in court, I have even made a silly decision to offer him some part of my share in the equity to encourage him to play ball.

The deadline is fast approaching for us to agree on a settlement or the financial remedy goes into contentious  litigation pathways .

I’m just hurt and all I want now is for him to receive his karma. I may have to take back my offer and take him to the cleaners. God knows I deserve compensation for this protracted vile situation, I’ve been in .

How do you deal with the anger?

[EyesUp]

@Tangled,

I hear you.  Yes, I can relate.

I'm 2 years out from decree absolute, and generally feeling better and better - but I still coparent/parallel parent with my uBPDxw and so many of the same old tricks, surprises, gambits, manipulations, switcheroos, etc., persist.

Here are a few things that have helped me to let go of anger...

1) expect to be disappointed. 
Resolve to no longer allow your pwBPD to control you.  This also means that you must take ownership of your emotional responses.  Not easy, but necessary.  Once you've adjusted your expectations, it's much harder for your pwBPD to push your buttons.  Become a sphinx.  Grey rock.

2) focus on your self.
Be selfish.  What are you doing tonight?  Tomorrow?  This weekend?  This month?  This year?  Focus on that.  Don't allow your pwBPD to continue to occupy your time, attention, energy.  Let. It. Go.  Again, not easy - necessary.

3) recalibrate your definition of success / karma
Simply not thinking about your pwBPD and doing something else instead might be a victory.  Again, adjust expectations.  You're unlikely to get a big win in court or reach some new understanding or achieve some other decisive victory.  Sure, your pwBPD might be ordered to pay his fair share, or perhaps even more with penalties.  But will he actually pay?  Then what?  I'm not rooting against you, I'm merely pointing out that where litigation is concerned, these things have a way of always getting dragged out more than you expect - if only because our attorneys are effectively rewarded for dragging things out.

On this last note, I know it's not what you asked for, but here's some legal advice (I'm not an atty): 

Clearly ask your atty for a strategy to close the file.  If the atty doesn't have a specific plan in mind (quite likely), you need to be the CEO of your case and produce the strategy.  I'd actually consider giving the atty an incentive, like a success fee, to close the case with your desired outcome.

In regard to the proposed settlement - I'd take that offer off the table immediately.  At the moment, it sounds like you're giving up something in return for nothing.  Retract the offer, and inform the other side that you may be willing to put it back on the table if a, b, c conditions are met by x date.  No agreement?  Be prepared to litigate.  Keep in mind:  The only "real" date driving timelines and decisions is the hearing date.  Don't be surprised if there's little or no movement until the 11th hour.

Back on topic:  I didn't really make progress until I applied the idea of "radical acceptance" to myself.  I realized that I didn't need to accept my uBPDxw.  Rather, I needed to accept what I could change about myself.

It was like the proverbial lightbulb turned on.  Suddenly, a number of choices and pathways were open to me that were not previously obvious or accessible.

As long as you focus on your pwBPD, you're likely to remain angry.  Consider looking inward instead.  You might find that there are a few things you can negotiate with yourself that will allow the anger to dissolve - if and when you stop allowing your pwBPD to anger you.

Good luck with everything you're dealing with. 

[ForeverDad]

In regard to the proposed settlement - I'd take that offer off the table immediately.  At the moment, it sounds like you're giving up something in return for nothing.  Retract the offer, and inform the other side that you may be willing to put it back on the table if a, b, c conditions are met by x date.  No agreement?  Be prepared to litigate.  Keep in mind:  The only "real" date driving timelines and decisions is the hearing date.  Don't be surprised if there's little or no movement until the 11th hour.

There is a word for this... Leverage.  Typical leverage only works once so be careful not to Gift Away unless you're sure it's the right time.  Once leverage is gone, it's gone.

[Tangled mangled]

EyesUp
Thank you for the advice.
My recovery from this mess goes around in waves, on most days I am able to keep it together and imagine my ex in rear view mirror bound up in a straight jacket.

I remind myself that he’s mentally ill and that’s what a mentally ill person would do but his nasty behaviour still gets to me.
I’m 90% able to implement #1 and #2 in my life but #3 is tough to stick to. On most days I don’t allow this mess linger in my awareness.

It’s like dealing with this level of toxicity for so long has made me into this person that’s thirsty for revenge. I was the type of person who would forgive endlessly and never seek revenge.

I will pray about this and hope that somehow I won’t have to go down that path.

Thank you

[Tangled mangled]

There is a word for this... Leverage.  Typical leverage only works once so be careful not to Gift Away unless you're sure it's the right time.  Once leverage is gone, it's gone.

I’m not sure I’m able to take the offer off the table because it was mentioned before a judge and he accepted and agreed to move forward.
But he had to move the goal post a bit further, requesting that I pay half of debts he’s accumulated while refusing to pay child support.

I may still look into this , I may still withdraw my offer as I have not been ordered yet.
He’s also telling the courts that I’m not allowing the children to have food as much as they want and that they are always hungry. The court refused his report and fully support me.