Longterm Decision

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Hi everyone, I appreciate all of the advice you've given me in response to my previous posts. My ex pwBPD fiancee and I have had no contact for about a month and a half. I am sure at this point she has permanently split me. This happened once before during our multiple break up 10 year relationship. It was a major break during which she split me for 8 months and then reached out and we got back together. Throughout our relationship I never looked at or modified my behavior or fully understood what was behind her triggers and rages. Although I feel she would never admit to having a disorder, is she self aware of her behavior and what it does to her romantic relationships. If we reconnect, I would like to give us the chance to work together to improve our relationship, and would only come back if she were willing to. During our relationship, her splits/rages were short although too frequent, but would resolve soon after or by the next morning. While I realize living together and or marriage may episodes increase, is there a potential for her to permanently split me after marriage as some people have described, even though she had never done this while we were together?

[Mushu]

Hi everyone, I appreciate all of the advice you've given me in response to my previous posts. My ex pwBPD fiancee and I have had no contact for about a month and a half. I am sure at this point she has permanently split me. This happened once before during our multiple break up 10 year relationship. It was a major break during which she split me for 8 months and then reached out and we got back together. Throughout our relationship I never looked at or modified my behavior or fully understood what was behind her triggers and rages. Although I feel she would never admit to having a disorder, is she self aware of her behavior and what it does to her romantic relationships. If we reconnect, I would like to give us the chance to work together to improve our relationship, and would only come back if she were willing to. During our relationship, her splits/rages were short although too frequent, but would resolve soon after or by the next morning. While I realize living together and or marriage may episodes increase, is there a potential for her to permanently split me after marriage as some people have described, even though she had never done this while we were together?

[kells76]

Hi mushu;

Although I feel she would never admit to having a disorder, is she self aware of her behavior and what it does to her romantic relationships.

The tragedy of serious mental illness like BPD is that the mental illness impacts the sufferer's ability to have accurate perceptions of reality.

If you're here because you suspect she has BPD, then it's unlikely that she has insight into the cause-and-effect relationship between her behaviors and her relationships, especially if she is not currently in evidence-based treatment.

Having more relationships, or different kinds of relationships, or closer relationships, won't improve her insight or perception.

I have heard of some pwBPD, during and after evidence-based treatment, apologizing for some parts of the past, and occasionally recognizing their parts in conflicts. I haven't heard of those apologies or realizations being 100% what we'd want/expect, though there can be improvement (especially if the non's expectations are calibrated to the fact that their loved one struggles with mental illness).

While I realize living together and or marriage may episodes increase, is there a potential for her to permanently split me after marriage as some people have described, even though she had never done this while we were together?

Sure -- there are plenty of stories here of members who divorced after being married to a spouse with BPD (whether diagnosed or not).

Changing the relationship status does not heal a person with serious mental illness.

In fact, because BPD seems to impact the most intimate relationships the most, it wouldn't surprise me for there to be more challenging and more intense BPD behaviors after marriage.

What you can change is your approach, mindset, and skillset.

...

As you ponder getting back together, what are you working on, yourself, to change your contribution to the pattern of how things went? If you're not sure -- a great place to start getting ideas is our Tools/Skills section on Relationship Skills. Anything in there stand out to you as something you'd like to improve on?

Can you remind me if you have a therapist?

[ForeverDad]

In fact, because BPD seems to impact the most intimate relationships the most, it wouldn't surprise me for there to be more challenging and more intense BPD behaviors after marriage.

Have you read here of something called Borderline FOG?
F.O.G. = Fear, Obligation, Guilt

When you get married, or have children together, or purchase a home together, or similar scenarios, then do you see how the pwBPD can conclude that you entering into a more "Obligated" relationship means you're less likely to leave and more likely to stay even if the pwBPD "lets down her hair" more often in private scenarios and treats you worse?

This is not a case of, Can I be more careful with communication skills and whatnot in the future?  Unless and until she has meaningful therapy - and applies it diligently in her life and perceptions - then you will still live life on an on-again, off-again roller coaster.  Many pwBPD can't or won't follow through on therapy.  Is that a life you're willing to accept?

[Mushu]

Thank you both for your input. I I think I was envisioning a scenario where I was able to talk to her about things and let her know I would be willing to do the work with her if she was willing to. I thought that if I asked her if she wanted to stop going through things the way she always has, but it was possible to get better and be happy. I have read a lot of Posts here, and elsewhere from pwBPD, and they know that they destroy their relationships, and they don’t like it. That’s the reason why I asked the question it wasn’t because I want an apology from her. I thought if she realized this pattern in her life, it would be a way to approach therapy and healing, since you’re not really supposed to tell them that you suspect they have BPD. I know it’s not a guarantee, but I do love her. well, I know things can get worse with commitment I guess I was just wondering about being permanently split as opposed to the roller coaster that it’s always been. I don’t have a therapist, I did go to therapy during our relationship when we broke up for eight months a few years ago, and I wasn’t happy with the results. I don’t believe there are many, if any therapists  in my area that have worked with pwBPD Near me, even if they listed on their credentials. But if she were willing, I would find one.

[ForeverDad]

Two traits that are common with people with BPD(pwBPD) is Denial and Blame Shifting.  As in "It's not my fault, it's all your fault."  There's even a book by William Eddy on that topic.

One obstacle to your wishful solution is that you've been in a close relationship with a person whose has Borderline traits.  BPD is a disorder most evident and impactful in close relationships.  If yours was a limited and distant relationship or one where you only crossed paths occasionally, all you might note is something 'off' but not a major deal most of the time.

But your relationship is a close one.  Trying to reason with a pwBPD is complicated because what you try to say - however nice you try to phrase it - is likely to be perceived as a challenge to the person's history of emotion-laden baggage of the relationship.  The other would have a very hard time to actually listen rather than throw up a wall and reject anything you say.

[Mushu]

Thank you ForeverDad, I really appreciate your continued input. This is really the only outlet where I can talk to someone about this at all, much less people who really understand.