Attachment styles in relationships

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

I never really thought about this element in my relationships until recently. I don't think anyone probably fits perfectly in any box, but I'd say when it comes to friendships, I would probably in general fall in the more secure attachment style box. But every now and then if I do get very excited about meeting someone I can definitely be more anxious in my attachment. I'm just an excitable person, and if I meet a person who I have a lot in common and we just click, I can be happy spending lots and lots of time with them. Sometimes I've had my feelings hurt when I feel like things are going great, and then out of nowhere it seems like the rug gets pulled out from under me and they are suddenly not interested at all. I start to feel a little frantic and I try to figure out what's wrong, and I feel this pull to win them back and make them care about me again. I've always kind of internalized it as a problem with me, that I come on too strong for some people, or on a particularly bad day I wonder if maybe they've see who I really am and decide they don't like it. But all this to say I generally have a tendency to blame myself when things don't go well, and rarely look at the other person's role.

Today I was reading more about avoidant attachment style, and I think there is definitely something about this attachment style that may just make my brain go crazy. I didn't get the best messaging about myself growing up, and when I feel dismissed or rejected by someone I can take it pretty hard. And I'm wondering if this may be what happens to me when I try to make a new friend and they suddenly withdraw. I definitely tend to wear my heart on my sleeve and I like to tell people I care about how I feel, what I like about them, how important they are to me. I struggled with being vulnerable for a long time due to a less than fun upbringing, and I don't really have that problem anymore, and now it's just one of my favorite things to be open and feel connected to another person. Most of the good friends I have know this about me and understand it's genuine, with no ulterior motive, I just want to make them happy, because it also makes me happy. But if that person has an avoidant attachment style, my understanding is that can make them uncomfortable or even repulsed depending on the person. And I'm wondering if this has happened to me recently. I was feeling pretty hurt, embarrassed and confused by it all, but I think viewing it this way at least makes me feel like maybe they didn't pull away because there is something wrong with me, but rather they just can't deal with my desire to spew caring at them. I guess this makes me feel sad, because I suppose if I pursued this friendship any further I would probably be left feeling like it was one sided and I'd always worry they don't really care about me, or view me as a burden if I don't get anything back. Maybe that's not the case, but that's how it would feel. So I think I need to make the decision to step away, which makes me very sad because I really enjoyed spending time with this person, but I can't reconcile the times I would feel very hurt. And at some point I'm sure it would breed resentment on my part, and I don't want to hurt anyone. I think right now, I really like the person I'm becoming, and I love spending time with people who love when I am myself. While I'm going through a divorce, and I'm working through my own codependency, I think I just need to recognize when this is not my job, and even though I enjoy a person, it doesn't mean we will be BFFs.

I guess I'm wondering if anyone has other thoughts on avoidant attachment, and if I'm maybe reading the situation wrong. Also if anyone has other experiences like this, I'd be curious to hear. Thank you.

[thewilltoleave]

I never really thought about this element in my relationships until recently. I don't think anyone probably fits perfectly in any box, but I'd say when it comes to friendships, I would probably in general fall in the more secure attachment style box. But every now and then if I do get very excited about meeting someone I can definitely be more anxious in my attachment. I'm just an excitable person, and if I meet a person who I have a lot in common and we just click, I can be happy spending lots and lots of time with them. Sometimes I've had my feelings hurt when I feel like things are going great, and then out of nowhere it seems like the rug gets pulled out from under me and they are suddenly not interested at all. I start to feel a little frantic and I try to figure out what's wrong, and I feel this pull to win them back and make them care about me again. I've always kind of internalized it as a problem with me, that I come on too strong for some people, or on a particularly bad day I wonder if maybe they've see who I really am and decide they don't like it. But all this to say I generally have a tendency to blame myself when things don't go well, and rarely look at the other person's role.

Today I was reading more about avoidant attachment style, and I think there is definitely something about this attachment style that may just make my brain go crazy. I didn't get the best messaging about myself growing up, and when I feel dismissed or rejected by someone I can take it pretty hard. And I'm wondering if this may be what happens to me when I try to make a new friend and they suddenly withdraw. I definitely tend to wear my heart on my sleeve and I like to tell people I care about how I feel, what I like about them, how important they are to me. I struggled with being vulnerable for a long time due to a less than fun upbringing, and I don't really have that problem anymore, and now it's just one of my favorite things to be open and feel connected to another person. Most of the good friends I have know this about me and understand it's genuine, with no ulterior motive, I just want to make them happy, because it also makes me happy. But if that person has an avoidant attachment style, my understanding is that can make them uncomfortable or even repulsed depending on the person. And I'm wondering if this has happened to me recently. I was feeling pretty hurt, embarrassed and confused by it all, but I think viewing it this way at least makes me feel like maybe they didn't pull away because there is something wrong with me, but rather they just can't deal with my desire to spew caring at them. I guess this makes me feel sad, because I suppose if I pursued this friendship any further I would probably be left feeling like it was one sided and I'd always worry they don't really care about me, or view me as a burden if I don't get anything back. Maybe that's not the case, but that's how it would feel. So I think I need to make the decision to step away, which makes me very sad because I really enjoyed spending time with this person, but I can't reconcile the times I would feel very hurt. And at some point I'm sure it would breed resentment on my part, and I don't want to hurt anyone. I think right now, I really like the person I'm becoming, and I love spending time with people who love when I am myself. While I'm going through a divorce, and I'm working through my own codependency, I think I just need to recognize when this is not my job, and even though I enjoy a person, it doesn't mean we will be BFFs.

I guess I'm wondering if anyone has other thoughts on avoidant attachment, and if I'm maybe reading the situation wrong. Also if anyone has other experiences like this, I'd be curious to hear. Thank you.

[tina7868]

Hello thewilltoleave  . Your post resonates with me. I can relate to many aspects of your personality as I would describe myself in a similar way  ! In my own journey of trying to make sense of things, I also read about attachment styles. I definitely tend to lean towards the anxious side of the spectrum.

There are a few points that I took away. First, it`s interesting that different types of relationships will bring out different attachment styles in you. I am more or less secure in my friendships as well, disorganized when it comes to my father, and slightly anxious when it comes to my mother. I was extremely anxious when it came to my ex with BPD. He, in turn, was avoidant with me, and (from his own description) anxious with his latest partner. All that to say, it`s by no means a fixed characterization. And so, with awareness and patience, it can be worked on. I try to draw from my secure attachments skills and beliefs to help when I feel more anxious. The way I see it, a combination of 1) someone who doesn`t exacerbate your own tendencies, 2) actively challenging your anxious thoughts and subsequent actions, are a winning combination.

You deserve to be surrounded by people who appreciate you for who you are. If they make you second guess yourself, pause, and second guess their importance in your life. At the same time, it`s understandable to feel sad about missing someone. Accept your sadness, know that it won`t last forever, and be kind to you!

What are your thoughts?

[thewilltoleave]

Hi Tina! I appreciate you just sharing that you notice this with yourself, too. It makes me feel less alone. I think it makes sense that this can change depending on the person you're interacting with and just with time and different circumstances. I think I avoided any personal connection with my mother because if I showed her vulnerability it was always used later, so I couldn't trust her kindness. I've always had a secure attachment with my father, but now that I'm older and I see the dynamic better, I can see more clearly that he similarly used guilt and obligation on my mother and my brothers to get things done for him. So now that my mother has passed, I am feeling myself become more avoidant with him. I was pretty closed off in my friendships but as I became an adult I started to realize that most people aren't out to manipulate you to get their needs met, so it became more secure and I'm so thankful for that. Realizing I can be honest about how I feel and put it out there and they often open up too has been a huge part of my own progress. I'm also very motivated by what helps others, and one of my friends said that me telling her how much I was struggling surprised her, and it made it easier for her to then tell me everything she was going through really opened my eyes to what being closed off keeps us all from.

And I agree, I think at least at this point I need to let that person figure themselves out and what they want. If I try to help I think I'll just get hurt. I don't want to go backwards in my recovery from these codependent patterns, and I definitely feel these things being activated here. The level of sadness I felt about all of this has taken me by surprise, and I appreciate the reminder that it's okay to be sad. I had a period where I kind of cycled between crying and feeling completely frozen by my own feelings for like a week. And now that I reflect on it, I realize that forming new friendships and rebuilding older ones has helped me get back in touch with my own feelings. I think my relationship with my husband has been so devastating over the years that I just shut off all of the pain surrounding it to get through the day and survive. I think the pain of this potential friendship ending has helped me feel grief in general for a lot of the losses in my life...and I've had a lot of them. I think it's helping me feel some grief about my marriage, and what I thought all of this was going to be. I have been looking more at my own day to day reality, free from my own fantasy about things magically getting better if I just love him hard enough and keeping "momming" him. And this is no way to live. I'm feeling it more, but it's always been like this, I just kept distracting until now.

I think I am going to continue to reflect on my own behaviors in relationships, and also will reflect on why I don’t feel more taken advantage of and have more hesitancy about continuing a relationship with someone after it becomes clear that they are not putting in the same effort that I am. I would really like to be able to emotionally feel like this is a dealbreaker for me, but I don’t quite feel that yet. But I'm starting to at least act like someone who feels that way, and I'll just hope the feelings catch up when I see that not giving away all the best parts of myself and my time to people who don't appreciate it makes me feel less miserable. People who aren’t working on their own recoveries are probably going to see my efforts for them as reasons to not change, because why should they change if they are getting everything they want without any effort?

I think the positive that I am seeing in all of this is I am slowly choosing better habits, and I am slowly building a better life for myself. I still have the next big hurdle ahead, the final divorce discussion and living separate lives. But it doesn't feel impossible anymore. It feels like an inevitability and something that I am just preparing for. I'm accepting that I drew the short straw when it comes to family support with hard life decisions. But that doesn't mean I have no support. And I know I'm a resilient person. And at the end of all of this is my own life on my terms. It will be worth the pain ahead. I just have to keep telling myself that, and keeping taking the steps forward.

[tina7868]

Hello thewilltoleave,

It was inspiring to read your post, which demonstrates the insight and progress in your journey. Thank you for sharing  .

Realizing I can be honest about how I feel and put it out there and they often open up too has been a huge part of my own progress. I'm also very motivated by what helps others, and one of my friends said that me telling her how much I was struggling surprised her, and it made it easier for her to then tell me everything she was going through really opened my eyes to what being closed off keeps us all from.

I learned that lesson here on BPD family. In the right company, being vulnerable opens up the space for deeper connections and truthfulness. It isn`t easy (at least it isn`t for me!). There is no need to maintain a `perfect` facade. We`re all learning and growing. I`m glad that your friend opened up to you, and hope you have many more of these enriching interactions in the future.

It sounds like you are recognizing your strengths, and making your way through the grieving process one step at a time. You`re right in saying that you are not alone. As you grow through the next big hurdles, turn towards your support (here, friends, therapy) and be kind and patient with yourself. You are strong and resilient.

[seekingtheway]

Hi there,

I've done a little bit of study on attachment and have been very interested in it for some time - some of the patterns you're describing do sound a bit like they fall within a preoccupied anxious style...

The way I understand attachment - we all tend to have a primary attachment style, which is something that is developed very early in our lives, even beginning in the womb. This is fairly set, but it is definitely changeable with some time, intentional work and healing.

People with an anxious preoccupied style tend to try and find safety outside of themselves, so that's why you see a lot of reaching towards others, over-sharing, clinging or protesting if someone distances or moves too far away...

Avoidants try and find safety within themselves, and they find the needs and emotions of other people overwhelming... which is why they distance and run away... being presented with someone else's high needs for connection can sometimes feel unsafe and overwhelming.

But having said that, even though we might have a primary attachment style, we all tend to display traits from all attachment styles (anxious, secure and avoidant), depending on who we are interacting with.  So someone with an anxious attachment style could still act in an avoidant way if they are faced with another person who is behaving in an anxious way. It's kind of like a temporary protective mechanism. And sometimes we need these mechanisms for safety... sometimes there is good reason to shut down and avoid someone who is truly not safe, but sometimes it's just to protect energy or something like that.

So it's not a given that someone who is distancing is avoidantly attached. It could be that they don't have the capacity for the friendship in the way it's being offered in this moment in time, maybe they're overwhelmed by other things in their life, or they're being triggered by something in your dynamic and don't want to talk about it, or perhaps there is just some incompatibility in your personalities... or maybe they really are avoidant? But none of these scenarios are something you've done wrong or a rejection of who you are.

It's still possible to bridge the gap in anxious and avoidant friendships by allowing the person with avoidant traits a bit of space to think, and to feel safe that they're not going to be overpowered by someone else's needs or emotions... so going slow and steady in terms of emotional sharing can work well. But saying that, you do you!!! You can't twist yourself into a pretzel to please everyone else. The right people will be attracted to your vibe.

If you're anxiously attached, being faced with someone else's avoidant behaviours can really, really hurt and does make you feel a bit crazy, so I completely get you. I am anxiously attached, but I put in a number of years to specifically heal this and made great strides... I need to get back into therapy to get back to that place after what happened with my recent ex. But I did notice the difference after doing a lot of work and becoming more secure - I didn't take it as personally when people needed to step away... I could just let it happen and observe the interaction with more curiosity, wondering what was going on with them rather than wondering what was wrong with me. Turns out, there were people in my life going through some real stuff... and giving them the space to just be, but letting them know I was still there was game-changer for healing some friendships where I had felt distance.

[thewilltoleave]

So it's not a given that someone who is distancing is avoidantly attached. It could be that they don't have the capacity for the friendship in the way it's being offered in this moment in time, maybe they're overwhelmed by other things in their life, or they're being triggered by something in your dynamic and don't want to talk about it, or perhaps there is just some incompatibility in your personalities... or maybe they really are avoidant? But none of these scenarios are something you've done wrong or a rejection of who you are.

Thank you, I appreciate the reminder that I haven't done something wrong. And you're right I really don't know if this person has avoidant attachment, this is really just me throwing it out there to try and make sense of what's happened. I wish I had more information to go on, and I'd like to ask them, but I also want to make sure that I'm actually giving them space if they need it. I think what I'm learning is regardless of the reasons, I think we are probably not on the same page, and I'm trying to just accept that. And I think my reaction to this distancing is magnified by a LOT of other stuff going on in my life right now, and I think what I've taken away from this is that I am grieving SOOOO many things. I think I need to get a better handle on everything that's come up. I don't want to hurt someone because I'm not managing my own feelings (unintentionally of course). I know how that feels in my current relationship with stbxh and I don't want to do that to someone else. Now that I've realized this is happening, I'm just taking some time to just focus on righting my own ship and trying to deal with some of my own life stresses so it doesn't bubble over into other relationships, work, etc.