Adult daughter- not open to conflict resolution

[AliceOlivia]

Hi BPD Family,

I’m a long time reader here, but first time poster. I suspect our adult daughter has (high functioning)BPD, she has a decent partner, two little ones under two and lives a long way from us. We love her and her family very much and have helped and been involved with her little family whenever we have been needed, despite the distance.

As parents our daughter and partner have no boundaries for their eldest child, he is physically aggressive to his new sibling and other adults and doesn’t receive any gentle parenting consequence for challenging behaviour. He charges at people, scratches, hits and bites, when he is told ‘no’ he laughs and runs away, most of this is normal toddler behaviour, but this happens daily, rather than occasionally. I know the parents are busy, sleep deprived and adjusting to the most important job in their lives, but it’s so hard to watch permissiveness with the little one that puts himself, others and his baby sibling at risk. The baby is often scratched and run into…

A few weeks ago in our home, we had half an hour of the usual behaviours at the end of a week long visit, we didn’t comment, as we aren’t little ones parents. We waited/hoped, for his parents to step in while he charged, hit and threw missiles around. I suggested a run in the garden to let off steam as it was a special occasion and our whole family were in our home. Things came to a head when my beautiful and usually calm husband was hit with a hard and accurate throw of the TV remote control, which shattered a glass of wine into smithereens over him, myself, the baby and our dog, little ones father watched this whole episode unfold and did nothing. In reaction to this my husband jumped up and shouted, ‘will you control your bloody child’ before removing himself from the lounge, which of course was not his finest moment… To cut a long story short, we have now been on semi silent treatment for the last two months, this is the first time silent treatment has gone on for so long. Our daughter refuses to allow the boys to be around my husband in the future, citing his significant anger issues and also claiming things that actually didn’t happen on the day (toddler scared of husband, husband pointing and shouting at him etc…) The shout wasn’t directed at anyone, but really was a big nudge to little ones parents to help him regulate his very excited emotions.

While my husband wishes he hadn’t reacted like this, due to being shocked and not expecting to be hit by a missile/covered in broken glass, he is usually the calmest and most tolerant man and has always been a great dad and grandfather. He has apologised for his part played on the day and reminded my daughter that it is the parents responsibility to keep the kids safe. Would anyone be able to offer any insight, advice or reflection on this please, thank you so much in advance

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Sancho]

Hi AliceOlivia
Welcome and thank you for posting. Your dd has a lot on for sure – 2 under 2 is no walk in the park, and of course there is, as you say, the normal challenging times of different age groups.

But what you describe is outside the ‘norms’ it seems to me and truly should be being dealt with by a parent. I say ‘a parent’ because I am wondering why ‘dad’ doesn’t step in? It could well be that he has learnt not to do so because of the reaction from dd.

Your husband has apologized – to be honest though it is he who should be getting the apology. As I imagine the scene you describe, it would be the parents jumping up, apologizing to you and your husband, checking the baby is okay and picking up the little boy, taking him aside and clearly stating just how wrong and dangerous throwing things can be.

But the ‘norm’ for BPD is very different! It will always be someone else’s fault – and as you have mentioned, the episode will be reinvented to include things that didn’t happen and lots of exaggeration. For parents with BPD this reaction can also occur if there is any suggestion their child is not perfect/has done the wrong thing. I think they see a child as an extension of themselves.

I notice there is not complete ‘silent treatment’. Thinking about the situation I can only suggest what I would/wouldn’t do if it were me, when there is contact.

If dd keeps going over this incident I would make sure I didn’t JADE ie Judge, Argue, Discuss, Explain. The events are known and they are past. JADE -ing would feed the problem.

I would listen and just affirm where I could without any more apologies. I would not say much but - make broad non-personal affirmation statements like ‘It is distressing when these things happen.’ Perhaps you can think ahead of some of these because you know how the conversations are going.

In relation to all the rules around your husband I would just say ‘that’s up to you’. Your husband is probably now the ‘target of blame’ but not JADE - ing seems to work by not adding fuel to the fire of 'blame' that rages in BPD people.

In other words I suppose I would be trying to de-escalate things by not engaging around it.

As I mention though, these are my thoughts and you know your dd and her husband – so none of these thoughts might be relevant to your situation. I am really sorry for you and your husband. No doubt you put up with a lot during that week – and I have to say I think your husband’s reaction was rather mild after being hit, covered with glass and liquid!

[AliceOlivia]

Dear Sancho,

Thank you so much for your reply and words of wisdom, it is really appreciated. I hadn’t thought about little ones ‘dad’ not preventing the behaviour due to dd’s historical reactions. The parents reaction to the event has been confusing for us and goes against common sense, but sadly we are dealing with BPD and the challenges it brings to the whole family including dd, we are so sad that she suffers in this way.

Great suggestion about using JADE, my husband has used it this week to reach out and attempt to move things forward, he is amazing to keep his calm and not engage when accused of emotionally abusing his grandson. DD remains adamant that he cannot be around her boys and unfortunately we have to accept this. I agree with you and will keep the door open when she texts me, my priority is to de escalate where I can, not add to the drama and hope that they remain as functional as possible to be a little family and care for each other and the little ones to the best of their ability. My husband has asked if he can reach out in a few weeks to chat about moving things forward, dd has agreed to this which I think is positive. Our plan is to trust in the evidence based communication approaches to manage BPD and hopefully with time healing/another target coming into play will occur, which means dd paints her dad white again. What a roller coaster, thank you for your help on this crazy ride