I need to vent. My UHWBPD is driving me crazy.

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Yesterday was a bad day.

At 75 years old, I figured I’d better go to Urgent Care to get an X-Ray, since I’d had a pain in my ribs/lungs in my right side, for 4 to 5 days.  In addition,   I was having a bit of trouble breathing when I walked. My UHWBPD would NOT go with me, even though he was the one who suggested that I get it check out. 

It turned out that I may have been experiencing the onset of pneumonia.  I also had a low grade fever.  Antibiotics and bed rest were prescribed.   I came home, and asked my husband to go to the pharmacy (just across the street) to pick up my meds.  He refused! He said he was too tired! So I went back out and picked them up myself.

Later, he spent the rest of the day cycling back and forth from being angry with me, to being needy.  He wanted me to say  that I was wrong for asking him to pick up my meds, because he was tired! I set him straight, telling him he was wrong, and shame on him.  Mind you, I didn’t even ask him to come to Urgent Care with me, because he was making excuses ahead of time.

I’m livid, but I’m controlling my anger.

I never imagined my marriage would devolve to this point. He’s gotten so much worse over the years! It’s been 20 years, but the past two years have been almost unbearable.  I pray for the weeks and sometimes months when he’s behaving normally.  But lately, they’re fewer and farther between.  Last May 17, he had the worst outburst ever. I think it was his first.  That’s what led me to this site — I was searching for answers.  It has been a blessing.  But he’s been going downhill even more rapidly ever since.

I’m trying to cope, because finances won’t allow me to leave.  And at my age, living in a very expensive part of the country, I’d never find affordable housing.  Also, I can’t afford our current home without him. So, I try to cope, but it’s hard. 

He’s impossible sometimes.  It’s awful. 

Thanks for “listening.” 

[JazzSinger]

Yesterday was a bad day.

At 75 years old, I figured I’d better go to Urgent Care to get an X-Ray, since I’d had a pain in my ribs/lungs in my right side, for 4 to 5 days.  In addition,   I was having a bit of trouble breathing when I walked. My UHWBPD would NOT go with me, even though he was the one who suggested that I get it check out. 

It turned out that I may have been experiencing the onset of pneumonia.  I also had a low grade fever.  Antibiotics and bed rest were prescribed.   I came home, and asked my husband to go to the pharmacy (just across the street) to pick up my meds.  He refused! He said he was too tired! So I went back out and picked them up myself.

Later, he spent the rest of the day cycling back and forth from being angry with me, to being needy.  He wanted me to say  that I was wrong for asking him to pick up my meds, because he was tired! I set him straight, telling him he was wrong, and shame on him.  Mind you, I didn’t even ask him to come to Urgent Care with me, because he was making excuses ahead of time.

I’m livid, but I’m controlling my anger.

I never imagined my marriage would devolve to this point. He’s gotten so much worse over the years! It’s been 20 years, but the past two years have been almost unbearable.  I pray for the weeks and sometimes months when he’s behaving normally.  But lately, they’re fewer and farther between.  Last May 17, he had the worst outburst ever. I think it was his first.  That’s what led me to this site — I was searching for answers.  It has been a blessing.  But he’s been going downhill even more rapidly ever since.

I’m trying to cope, because finances won’t allow me to leave.  And at my age, living in a very expensive part of the country, I’d never find affordable housing.  Also, I can’t afford our current home without him. So, I try to cope, but it’s hard. 

He’s impossible sometimes.  It’s awful. 

Thanks for “listening.” 

[ForeverDad]

I never imagined my marriage would devolve to this point. He’s gotten so much worse over the years! It’s been 20 years, but the past two years have been almost unbearable.  I pray for the weeks and sometimes months when he’s behaving normally.  But lately, they’re fewer and farther between.  Last May 17, he had the worst outburst ever. I think it was his first.

The general observation here is that over time the poor behaviors (cycling, rants, rages, criticisms, etc) gradually increase over time.  It still cycles between less bad and more bad, but over time it typically worsens.

That's why my marriage ended.  (Well, there was a big trigger too, we had a baby and that changed everything, including morphing me from seen as a husband to seen as a father.  Too bad her stepfather had messed her up badly.)  We started out fine, with 'only' minor issues but over the years it gradually got worse.  More and more triggers developed.  Adding the baby was a nice try but was too much for her.  Sometimes it seemed she had to choose between our child or me... and I lost.

[Notwendy]

I don't know what the dynamics are between you, but Karpman triangle dynamics helped me to understand what was incomprehensible behavior on the part of my BPD mother when my father was ill.

BPD mother ( and I think this applies to most with BPD) takes victim perspective. My father's main role was rescuer/enabler. His being ill decreased his caretaking behaviors- and with this shift in dynamics, BPD mother's behaviors escalated.

His being ill was a form of temporary "victim". It surely wasn't his choice or fault, he wasn't doing it on purpose, but from BPD mother's perspective- she was in victim mode and so, other people could only be rescuer or persecutor. It was as if she perceived him as some kind of competition for her position and if he did it on purpose. I also wonder if she felt somehow abandoned in this situation since he wasn't as attentive to her as usual.

You could apply this to your situation. You asked your H to pick up your medicine, but he's tired and his being tired is him being in victim position. You are supposed to be caring for him, not the other way around.

You have every right to your feelings and to be angry. I hope this helps you to see his behavior isn't personal to you. But also to see that he may not be someone you can rely on if you are feeling under the weather. I hope you feel better soon-

[JazzSinger]

The general observation here is that over time the poor behaviors (cycling, rants, rages, criticisms, etc) gradually increase over time.  It still cycles between less bad and more bad, but over time it typically worsens.

That's why my marriage ended.  (Well, there was a big trigger too, we had a baby and that changed everything, including morphing me from seen as a husband to seen as a father.  Too bad her stepfather had messed her up badly.)  We started out fine, with 'only' minor issues but over the years it gradually got worse.  More and more triggers developed.  Adding the baby was a nice try but was too much for her.  Sometimes it seemed she had to choose between our child or me... and I lost.

ForeverDad,

Thanks so much for sharing. It really helps.

Indeed, my UHWBPD has gotten worse over time. And because he’s getting older, I’m seeing signs of dementia as well. It has become sort of a trigger too, because he’s aware of it.  I dare not say to him, “Don’t you remember…”
It’s tough.  Today, he’s calm. I’ll see how long it lasts.

[JazzSinger]

I don't know what the dynamics are between you, but Karpman triangle dynamics helped me to understand what was incomprehensible behavior on the part of my BPD mother when my father was ill.

BPD mother ( and I think this applies to most with BPD) takes victim perspective. My father's main role was rescuer/enabler. His being ill decreased his caretaking behaviors- and with this shift in dynamics, BPD mother's behaviors escalated.

His being ill was a form of temporary "victim". It surely wasn't his choice or fault, he wasn't doing it on purpose, but from BPD mother's perspective- she was in victim mode and so, other people could only be rescuer or persecutor. It was as if she perceived him as some kind of competition for her position and if he did it on purpose. I also wonder if she felt somehow abandoned in this situation since he wasn't as attentive to her as usual.

You could apply this to your situation. You asked your H to pick up your medicine, but he's tired and his being tired is him being in victim position. You are supposed to be caring for him, not the other way around.

You have every right to your feelings and to be angry. I hope this helps you to see his behavior isn't personal to you. But also to see that he may not be someone you can rely on if you are feeling under the weather. I hope you feel better soon-

NotWendy,

Thanks so much for sharing about the Karpman Drama Triangle.  I just started reading about it. My husband is often the victim, and I’m the rescuer. But lately, I’ve been engaged in more self care, as well as setting firmer boundaries.

I know he’s of little to no help to me when I’m under the weather.  I’ve learned to operate like a single person, mostly relying on myself, my health care providers, and my friends, when I’m sick. 

I am feeling better today. Thank you for asking.

[Gerda]

I noticed (too late, I'm afraid) that my UHWBPD is terrible at "caretaking" for others. It really stresses him out.

Like ForeverDad, my marriage started deteriorating badly when we had a child. My therapist thinks it's because our child took my attention off of my husband, and he resents me for it.

Things escalated further when our child was about 2 years old, and I broke my ankle. I had to get surgery to pin the bone back together and was pretty disabled for several weeks. (The first two weeks I wasn't even supposed to get out of bed for more than using the bathroom.) Before my injury, I did about 90% of the care for our child (which caused a lot of conflict already because I already saw that as unfair since we both have full time paid jobs, yet he expected me to do most of the parenting on top of that). When I was injured, now he had to do almost all the care for our toddler, and it was like he had a nervous breakdown. The first time he threatened to punch me in the face was when I was still on crutches and not supposed to put any weight on my injured leg.

But even when things weren't that bad, he just complained and complained and complained about how tough it is having to take care of both me and our daughter. It was like HE was the one who was suffering the most here, not me. I distinctly remember him saying to me one time, "Ugh, I HATE taking care of other people!" when I was in bed elevating my leg. He accused me of "really milking this" injury, and said things like, "I wish I was the one who had broken my ankle so I could just lay around all day!"

That Karpman drama triangle makes a lot of sense. The person with BPD has to always be the victim, even when someone else has a legitimate reason to need caretaking (a serious illness, injury, etc.). I think it's even worse when the person with BPD is the one who needs to do the caretaking for the other person, but I've noticed that they also don't like it even when they aren't having to do the caretaking themselves, but someone else close to them needs caretaking from other people. Like when I had a baby and had to take care of her, but also when my husband's father had dementia and his mother and sister were taking care of him, my husband complained all the time even though he didn't have to do anything (his mother and sister had to change his father's adult diapers and bathe him and so on - my husband didn't do a thing to help them with any of that stuff).

I distinctly remember coming home one evening from a visit to my in-law's house, and my husband exasperatedly saying, "When is my dad going to die already? He's a burden on everyone!" Of course once his dad did die, he acted like he was going through terrible grief and acted like he didn't remember saying any of that stuff.

The moral of the story here is: always try to avoid getting into a position where someone with BPD has to take care of you! Taking care of another person is always hard for even mentally healthy people, but someone with BPD just plain can't handle it. It's a big reason why I'm working on divorcing my husband now, because I never want to be in a position again where I need to rely on him to take care of me. And when you're married, society expects your spouse to do that for you by default. I'd rather be single and have to find a friend or hire someone to drive me home from surgery or whatever than have to rely on him again.