Needing ideas to help my adult Daughter.

[sunbird]

My wife and I have been dealing with my 38 yr old Daughter's  BPD for over 20 years in addition to my wife's chronic pain condition with all its ramifications.
She is a single mother raising our 9 year old Grandson in a home she rents. We love them both very much but her behavior often makes it extremely difficult to maintain
our relationship with her. Her BPD symptoms of extreme mood swings,(turning on a dime or wrong comment) anger out of control, rages, low self esteem, always feeling lonely and saying no cares etc, (even though we are constantly doing things with her and for her) keep her in a constant state of discontent,complaining and unhappiness (depression). Once in a while when the stars align and the sun breaks thru and she is in a good mood it is a beautiful thing but sadly its  a rare thing these days, and trying to make life problem free is an impossible task.
She has many things she could be thankful for in her life but is unable to appreciate because of her habitual negative state of mind. I understand her poverty is a difficult thing to deal with raising a child alone, and we are heavily involved in many ways
to try to keep things from going off the rails and falling apart. She does try hard to be a good mom to her son, and I am thankful that so far she has stayed away from
excess alcohol, drugs and avoided dating guys who are trouble (not dating much- probably a good thing since I cant see how a relationship could work for her unless she does some major work on herself).
She is EXTREMELY averse to any suggestion that she needs counseling or psychological "help" taking it as an insult and cause for an argument. And actually based on alot of past experience I don't have much confidence in the mainstream mental health system in general. The best hope would be some innovative specialist or researcher who has some new approach or insight into dealing with these kind of issues. (of course these are the ones that insurances would never cover).
My wife and I have been on a long and difficult roller coaster ride dealing with our Daughter and often feel very frustrated and discouraged with the endless repeated arguments and grievances, but I am not willing to give up on her or my Grandson and I will keep looking and hoping for insights, ideas or information
that could turn things around. If you have come across any, please let me know.
I wish the very best for all those who are struggling to help those they love.
Thank you.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[CC43]

Sunbird,

You must be exhausted and feel despair at times.  Has your daughter been diagnosed with BPD?  If she has been diagnosed, how did she take it?  I think it would be a good sign that she actually tried to work with a therapist at some point.

My stepdaughter was diagnosed with BPD, and she exhibited most of the classic symptoms.  I think two things underlie her issues:  a pervasive, excessively negative attitude, and volatile, hair-trigger emotions.  The two conditions conspired to make her "primed" for a "trauma response" to ordinary life stressors and disappointments.  By trauma response, I mean a fight-or-flight reaction.  The "fight" reaction manifested as angry outbursts, typically directed at loved ones.  The "flight" reaction manifested as avoidance--including social isolation, blocking contact with others and an inability to complete daily routines.  This unfortunate set of reactions pervaded practically all aspects of her life.  And the negative attitude wasn't constrained to her opinions of others--her negative attitude extended to herself.  I think she HATED herself and spent most of her waking hours ruminating about that, particularly about her looks, even though she is a beautiful woman!

Another consequence of the pervasive negativity and emotional dysfunction is the blaming.  Are you blamed for all your daughter's problems?  This is problematic, because that means she can't, or won't, take responsibility for herself.  For as long as she thinks others are the cause of her problems, she has no reason to believe that she's the one who needs therapy.

I imagine that your loving suggestions to see a therapist are met with anger.  She's angry because she's clinging to victimhood--getting help would be an admission that she was part of the problem, and that just doesn't fit with her narrative.  And getting help would conflict with her avoidance tactics, if your daughter is anything like my stepdaughter.

In my stepdaughter's case, she had to hit bottom in order to decide to get help, so that she could start to feel better.  That your daughter is 38 and hasn't hit bottom yet could be a sign that she's incredibly stubborn; alternatively, you've supported her so lovingly and effectively that she's avoided the bottom altogether.  But it's probably not sustainable for you to ease all your daughter's stressors and disappointments, because life without stress or disappointment doesn't exist.

I think there is a silver lining, however.  If your daughter has bouts of depression, there are medications to help with that.  If she's moody, there are mood stabilizers.  These days, I think there is little stigma around taking medications which help even out the brain chemistry that might have gone a little haywire.  I know that my stepdaughter was reluctant to take medications at first, but when she began taking them reliably, I could see that her moods became more evened out, and she was able to resume more customary, adult routines:  looking after herself, taking care of her apartment, working a little, studying a little, sleeping at nighttime, etc.  Resumption of more "normal" routines and relationships helps bolster confidence and pushes back some of that negativity.

The issue may be that your daughter has to decide for herself that she has a problem and wants to start feeling better.  A responsible adult goes to the doctor when she's sick, in order to get a diagnosis and get a treatment plan (and then stick with it or try something else the doctor recommends).  But when will your daughter recognize that she needs to go to the doctor?  When she sees that her problems are her problems, and not caused by you.  Maybe you could tell her that, but I think people with untreated BPD don't process loving feedback in a logical way.  All she hears is that you deny responsibility for her dysfunction, and that you are criticizing her, making her feel rage.  I think she has to come to the realization herself that she needs help.

One thing that ultimately helped my stepdaughter was conditioning financial support on getting therapy.  In other words, if she wanted her dad to continue to pay for rent, the car, groceries, insurance, schooling, etc., she had to get therapy.  She could choose not to go to therapy, but then she'd be on her own financially.  Once she hit bottom (which included several hospital stays and the loss of all friends), her choice was easy.  Fortunately, she's in a better place now than she was a couple of years ago, with therapy and medication.

[AcheyMom]

I have found your post to me the most relatable to date.  I have a 34 yo daughter and an 11 yo grandson.  I also suffer from chronic pain like your wife. Possibly induced by years of chaos and stress dealing with my daughter’s illness.  I have now have Fibromyalgia and need to pace myself which limits what I can do for my daughter.  This has angered my daughter if anything.  She seems incapable of having empathy.  It’s had such a negative impact on our relationship because everything is always about her.

In any case, I wanted to ask if you are in Canada, US or the UK?  There are resources available at no cost in Canada for them to get DBT which is the only therapy proven to help them regulate their emotions.  Also there are free education courses for families of people with mental illness.  Family Connections is one and also NAMI offers peer-led programs you can do over zoom to help us deal with adult children who are struggling with mental illness.  I have taken that one and it was excellent, although my daughter also has Bipolar Disorder with episodes of Psychosis.