Looking for any help that I can get

[Pink Starfish]

I am a mother of two young adult daughters who I am certain both have BPD.  Both have had emotional issues since early puberty.  If they have been diagnosed, they have not shared it with me.  I am trying to have a relationship with both of them.  I am blamed for everything that happens in their lives and there is constant bickering.  They do not talk to each other because they are always fighting.  Who has dealt with this successfully and what did you do?

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[kells76]

Hello Pink Starfish and

When it rains, it pours... members here (myself included) often find more than one pwBPD in our lives. It is so difficult and painful, though, when it's your children, and you had so many hopes for them.

Do either of your daughters live with you? And are there other family members living with you (spouse, other children, etc)?

Have any of you been in, or are any of you (as far as you know) in counseling or therapy?

And what is their relative maturity level -- i.e., either of them going to or graduated from college, driving, holding down a job, has peer aged friends...?

...

I think no matter the relationship of the pwBPD to us (spouse, child, partner, parent, friend...), we may have to go through a grieving/letting go process. The pwBPD in our life just isn't functioning or behaving like a "generally normal" person, and so we do experience the loss of what that relationship could have been -- how good and positive and supportive and healthy it could have been. Only then can we do business with "what is" vs "what it should have been".

Fortunately, we do have resources for coping with "what is" -- effective communication with and relating to pwBPD is often pretty unintuitive, so starting to learn from our articles on When a teen or adult child has Borderline Personality Disorder is a great place to start.

When you have a moment, check those out, and let us know what stands out to you.

...

I am trying to have a relationship with both of them.  I am blamed for everything that happens in their lives and there is constant bickering.  They do not talk to each other because they are always fighting.

Are you trying to have a relationship with both of them at the same time -- for example, "how about the three of us do something together"? Or at this point, is each relationship (you with Daughter 1, you with Daughter 2) pretty separate?

[BPDstinks]

hi!  I do not know that I can offer much HELP, however, I canNOT believe there is a person out there with 2 BPDs!  My 24 y/o daughter was diagnosed with BPD 3 years ago...I immediately read EVERY book, researched BPD, joined a support group (prior to this life saving forum), we literally went through hell TOGETHER (she would beg me to sleep over her apartment at least twice a week, texted all day long) fast forward, it has been nearly a year since I have seen BPD; 5/24/23 she just cut ties with most of our family (me, her dad, her non BPD sister & her beautiful nieces; she will text me randomaly (mainly if she needs something) reached out to her sister once; this is over a sweater I said was nice (she said I was doing her a favor (I came over to help her sort her clothes, sigh) so, I wanted a favor & to get out (that was a very bad day) anyway....my son's mother says she was diagnosed with BPD (what are the chances?) she just gets NASTY mean & threatens me to not see my grandchildren (there have been horrifying episodes); so...I don't have help, however, this group will help you....all I can do is say, you are not alone (reach out, if you like!) and hang in there!

[Ourworld]

Hello Pink Starfish,

This is such a difficult disorder to contend with, and one is difficult enough, but both your daughters must be truly heart-wrenching.

If the girls are self-supporting, I say to try and tell them to deal with their own issues as they live their adult lives as best as they can, and that you plan to live yours doing things you want to do. Let them know you will gladly listen as long as they speak kindly and respectfully to you and that you care about them greatly. But let them know that for your own mental health you need to live your own life doing fun things with your friends!

My daughter is 38 yrs old, and I knew she had problems that showed up once she became a teen, I did not focus on this, I treated her as a normal intelligent child. She made A’s at school until she was 15, and  I knew she was doing things I would not have approved of but I did not say anything, and just continued taking care of her and showing her love.
After college she could no longer hide her issues from me (she is high-functioning and keeps everything to her self which is very deceptive), out of embarrassment and not wanting me to see her behavior and  she blocked me on everything. She actually told me that she could no longer communicate with me and was blocking me, then thanked me for having and raising her.

I do wish she would at least acknowledge me in email, but the problem is that she is still blaming me.
It saddens me that she does not communicate with me, but the reality is that when they are in an active state and not getting proper treatment the communication is actually simply abusive anger towards their parents and there really is not anything you or I could do.

I have hope that she is getting treatment (I think she finally realizes that she needs help) and her right mind returns (at least somewhat), the condition can go into remission, and I think this is more likely when they get older (I am definitely not an expert!).
It would only be then that there could be any true communication and friendship.
In the meantime, I pray for her daily (a lot) and ask God for patience. I am confident that I gave her a strong foundation, but she is back in His hands now. I was simply blessed with raising her, and it was truly wonderful!

Basically, do not allow your girls to ‘walk all over you’-this just feeds their illness. Try to be strong and set your boundaries for the contact with you and their behavior.

They must get to a point where they realize ON THEIR OWN they need help before this will happen, then they will hopefully return to their right minds again and re-connect with you.

I know it’s difficult, but at this time in your life, you are only responsible for you.

I wish you the best, OurWorld

[Ourworld]

Pinkstarfish,

I see you said young adults, so even if they are in college and not self-sufficient yet, you can still do the same thing and make it clear that you will only cover their school and living expenses, but for extras, they need to obtain work on campus (if possible since I don’t know the situation).
But the fact that you need to set boundaries and lessen their communication with you, no text, email is good, so you can focus on you still holds in any situation.

OurWorld

[js friend]

Hi Pinkstarfish,

I havent dealt with this situation personally but I do remember when I first found this site that there was a member who was in the same situation as you. She had 2 daughters  who displayed bpd traits who would join forces and gang up on her. I  wonder if your dds are close in age and are very competitive or just have very different personalities and that may be the reason for so much bickering between them?

I think the way to help yourself in any household is to have very firm boundaries. Tell them what you will not tolerate and stick to it. It may take a few attempts to finally get somewhere but it is worth it. My udd hated when I began to enforce boundaries but in the end she had to accept them and realised that she just couldnt manipulate me anymore as she had done for many years. Also I believe my boundaries helped her with some form of emotional regulation( at least around me anyway) She still raged at me from time to time but it became a lot less which I suppose she replaced with giving me the silent treatment. Giving me silent treatment still hurt but not as much as her raging at me. 

Im wondering if all  the bickering may have anything to do with their ages?? I remember being called quite feisty when I was much younger and I wasnt always great to be around. Is there a place you can go to in your home to be away from it and stay out of it unless it has a chance of it becoming physical?  Maybe that way they will be able to sort their issues out themselves without always getting you involved if that is what is happening. What you must remember here  psf is that it is really really important to look after your own mental health