my adult child

[Parents! Get help here!]

Hello out there,
I have been quite patient and empathetic w/ my 46 yo daughter till today.  She disappeared for 7.5 yrs after being mad about paying $100 rent to stay in my place - and had zero contact w/ any family or friends. 2 months ago she texted "out of the blue" after being evicted from her apartment.  She says she has multiple medical problems, severe allergies, body pain but refuses to see any medical professional as they were unkind to her in the past.  And, of course, her problems are merely physical without any mental health issues!  She is often pleasant, cleans obsessively and considers other family members and friends toxic.  She has asked me not to use the AC and NOT to open the windows due to allergies.  I have set some limits , ie. I will use the AC and I will see family and friends that she disapproves of.   She never thanks me for staying here, and cannot discuss the 7 year absence.   I fear she will never leave and the frustration of no progress in addressing her own complaints built up and today when she said she can't have fresh flowers in the house ( my birthday gifts from others) I became impatient and I told her it is so hard to live with her and she needs help.  Predictably,  her emotions erupted w/ blaming me for everything.  I was less than perfect, but pretty calm but basically admitted to my feelings of being imposed upon.   I have read Amador's book and some of Kreger's book, but empathy and listening is wearing thin and seems to make no difference.  I am loathe to kick her out into the street but I can't see living this way for the rest of my life as I am now 71!
Any thoughts or suggestions out there??   Thx

[momof3!!!]

Hello out there,
I have been quite patient and empathetic w/ my 46 yo daughter till today.  She disappeared for 7.5 yrs after being mad about paying $100 rent to stay in my place - and had zero contact w/ any family or friends. 2 months ago she texted "out of the blue" after being evicted from her apartment.  She says she has multiple medical problems, severe allergies, body pain but refuses to see any medical professional as they were unkind to her in the past.  And, of course, her problems are merely physical without any mental health issues!  She is often pleasant, cleans obsessively and considers other family members and friends toxic.  She has asked me not to use the AC and NOT to open the windows due to allergies.  I have set some limits , ie. I will use the AC and I will see family and friends that she disapproves of.   She never thanks me for staying here, and cannot discuss the 7 year absence.   I fear she will never leave and the frustration of no progress in addressing her own complaints built up and today when she said she can't have fresh flowers in the house ( my birthday gifts from others) I became impatient and I told her it is so hard to live with her and she needs help.  Predictably,  her emotions erupted w/ blaming me for everything.  I was less than perfect, but pretty calm but basically admitted to my feelings of being imposed upon.   I have read Amador's book and some of Kreger's book, but empathy and listening is wearing thin and seems to make no difference.  I am loathe to kick her out into the street but I can't see living this way for the rest of my life as I am now 71!
Any thoughts or suggestions out there??   Thx

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Sancho]

Hi Momof3
it sure is a difficult situation. As well as the BPD - the blaming etc - it seems as though your dd could have OCD? This makes it harder - if that is possible! - because there are such fixed ideas about their environment etc. The anxiety is so high they control everything tightly and have such fixed ideas that no matter what you say it doesn't shift their thinking!

It's good that you have set some boundaries - and are holding them.

I feel like I am not really the one to make any suggestions because I haven't found a magic bullet to fix my own situation. But for what it is worth, I would probably focus on the OCD symptoms, planning to go very slowly to see if dd is open to changing just a little.

The starting point for me would be asking if she has been diagnosed with any particular allergy and if not would she be prepared to get tested. th

In other words challenging the allergy issue to see how formal this has been. If she hasn't then you can point out that she can't really confine the household to something she hasn't had diagnosed.

If she is willing to get tested and nothing shows up, move the discussion to OCD. There are some good meds for OCD that might make a difference to some BPD symptoms too in that by relieving the anxiety symptoms they can raise the bar as far  as triggers go in relation to going into a rant or becoming angry.

I care for a neighbour who has OCD and it is no easy task to get someone with this condition to get help - but it can make a huge difference.

Re the blaming etc, I would let that float past me at this point in time and see how I go with tackling the OCD aspects that seem to be present.

Just a few thoughts . . .

[Sancho]

PS DD will probably fly off into a rant when you first mention anything about the allergies but let that fly past, wait a while and then bring up again!

[js friend]

Hi overMomof3!!!

Oh my ...71yrs old  :hug:I cant imagine living with my udd again even at my age. The first time around was bad enough. lolI

It must feel as if your dd is trying to overtake your home with all her demands.  I remember the times when my udd lived at home and everything was choatic and  in such a mess when she was around. There were many times I didnt even want to come home because she was so nasty towards me. I think I would have been more tolerant then because I was always hoping that she would change but I know that wouldnt be likely now at her age now. I also used to be told that it was a mother and daughter and we would grow closer as she got older. Well that hasnt happened.
I thing is to have good firm  boundaries. That is always a good place to start with pwbpd. Your dd has to understand that this is your home and you will not be changing your way of life just because she has decided to come back. Im glad to hear that your dd loves to clean and tidy, my udd definitley does not. Its a shame that she is denial about her mental issues though. I know how it is a tough thing to bring up without pwbpd feel as if you are attacking them. Do you have any idea how long your dd intends to stay with you? That is a  good place to start i think. Is living with you going to be a temporary thing or is she hoping for something more long term? I think that it needs to be established in one way or the other. I remember telling my udd that she would be out when she became 18yrs. She knew that I was serious about this this and actually left a few months before she came of age.

As well as testing for allergies could your dd perhaps buy a humidifier which may help to ease her anxieties around her "allergies". I dont know how much they cost to run but it may be a thought. My udd would say that she had sensitive skin. There was never any evidence of this but to her it was true. I told that that she needed to buy sensitive products  herself using her own money.......needless to say she never did.

[CC43]

Mom,

I feel for you.  It seems to me that your daughter is using you, and it doesn't sound like she's appreciative.  It's one thing to help a family member get back on their feet after a crisis.  It's another to enable behaviors tinged with entitlement,  helplessness, misdirected anger and blame.

I have moderate to severe allergies as well as skin rashes, basically since birth.  In my house during peak pollen season (right now!), I do try to keep the windows shut.  But otherwise I can cope, basically by keeping the house clean, especially bedding, and using hypoallergenic products (and not keeping pets in the house).  Sometimes I run air filters, and A/Cs also have filters (which can be changed regularly).  For the allergies and skin rashes, I've sought medical treatment over the years.  When an adult is allergic and/or sick, the onus is on her to get treatment, because she is responsible for herself, and wouldn't she want to feel better?  If your daughter isn't seeking treatment, then either her allergies aren't that bad, or she's being irresponsible, or both.  But those are her problems, not yours.

I think you need to make it clear that it's your household, and your rules apply.  If your daughter finds your home intolerable, then she is free to leave!  I mean, I could see why she wouldn't want to put a bouquet of flowers on her bedside table, but she should be able to tolerate flowers elsewhere in the house--if they are that triggering for her, she can simply keep her distance.

It seems to me that she's living with you because she has "given up" on trying to be a responsible adult, and you're the last person she can turn to.  If she's like many others with untreated BPD, she's probably alienated all the other family members and friends, who don't feel as much guilt and fear that mothers do, and so they are better able to maintain healthy boundaries.

It seems natural to me that your daughter doesn't want to talk about the last 7.5 years.  Talking about it might bring up bad feelings for her--maybe shame, maybe perceived judgment from you--and the feelings could become unbearable.  So my advice would be not to feel upset about the lack of explanation.  If you got an explanation, she might start playing the blame game (i.e. blame you and/or other "toxic" people for all the purportedly terrible things that happened to her in the past).  The blame game only riles people up, and entrenches her in her victimhood status.  I think it would be more helpful to focus on the present and the future.

As for the future, I think you need to establish some boundaries around your house.  It's not clear to me what you might desire here.  You could set some boundaries around the duration of your daughter's stay, what rooms she has access to, how much rent she pays, chores, etc.  You should also expect to treat each other with civility and respect.  But you have to be prepared to enforce the boundaries.  What will you do if she doesn't pay rent, or if she constantly flips out and gets out-of-control angry with you for normal things like accepting a bouquet of flowers?  Ultimately you have to be prepared to kick her out.  Otherwise you could be walking on eggshells and feeling like a prisoner in your own home for the rest of your life.  Your daughter is 46.  She is a full-grown adult.  It is her choice how she takes care of herself (or not) and how she behaves towards you.  She can choose to respect your house rules, or she's free to leave.  If she doesn't leave voluntarily, then you'll have to evict her.  She can't expect to "regress" to a childlike state and live in your home rent-free while you take care of her and are on the receiving end of petulance and outrageous demands.