Ebbs and flows of grieving / PTSD Symptoms / Dog Park Blues

[PWRBK]

Hi,

I'd like to start by saying that I have found the resources on this site to be invaluable and I'd like to thank you all for starting this site and the participants for their insights. There is a bit of healing for me in just knowing I am not alone in this and that we all share a common bond.

After a ten year relationship with someone formally diagnosed by a psychiatrist with BPD and anxiety after our breakup, I'm having a very hard time recovering. I know 10 years is a long time and it's only been a year since going NC, and the good days are good, but in the bad days, I'm very low and need to find a way to take my power back from her fully, given the particular circumstances of my situation that I will talk about below.

I had been in therapy from the time my business partner passed away (2 and a half years ago) until about 2 months ago when I was feeling consistently good for a few weeks at a time and didn't have much to report to him. This past year, with the exception of the past few weeks, I have been putting in the work (journaling, self care, exercise, meditation, long walks, reading etc, though I am drinking more than I would like, which isn't helping). I think I'm just tired. Actually, I know I'm emotionally exhausted. I'm no stranger to the grieving process (although when I would go through a traumatic loss, I would have to try to support her through it, and I know know it's because she stepped out on us when I was going through some heavy losses, and this in hindsight is what was truly causing her BPD to flare up. The loss > her stepping out with someone else > the spiral > the recovery > rinse and repeat).

In the past 7 years, I've lost my mom to pancreatic cancer, my cousin who was a best friend from a heart attack at 47, and two years ago, one of my best friends and business partner from a covid related illness). After losing my business partner is when she started her most recent affair with a mutual acquaintance from a nearby dog park who lives two blocks from me. We would watch his dog for him and he for us. She had apparently lied to him and told him that we were broken up and still living together to open the door with him. To prove to him that she and I were still friends and broken up, just living together, she actually had me pick him and his dog up and take us all to the dog park after she had started her affair with him. I knew something was off that day (she was being distant while we were all together), but deep down inside, being that she and our dog were the only ones I looked at as family close, I didn't want to accept the fact that I was losing her too. I had already lost too much. I did confront her about my feeling and was gaslit to the point where I thought I was losing my mind.

I'm still having nightmares about her and of our dog that I had to give to her when going NC that we raised from a puppy. Like I said, it's been a year. She was using our dog as a manipulation tool to stay close to me. When I kicked her out, she moved straight from my house to his that day (2 blocks away) and has been living there since (one year). I often see her car in the street which triggers me. I've thought about moving, but for the price I'm paying now, I would get half of the space that I currently have (and I love my apartment, neighborhood, neighbors and landlord).

I also learned after our breakup that she was unfaithful to me with at least four different partners and their on and off affairs had longevity. At one point she flew a lover (that at one point I had suspicions about, confronted her, and was gaslit) to New Orleans the day I left there (her birthday weekend) telling me she got me a different flight because there was no more availability on the flight she had booked for herself and that her dad was going to pick her up from the airport and she was going to spend the night with her parents. He flew in to meet her the day I left for a night. She was also not going through a divorce like she had told me when we met. She was still with her husband. She's a classic 'monkey brancher' and one of the most amazing actresses and manipulators one could ever imagine. If anyone is wondering how I know everything I know, though I had issue with the ethics of it, she left her email open on my computer and yes, after I learned about the affair (and abortion - details below), after much deliberation, I went through it. She kept so many receipts, screenshots etc saved, that it actually made it easy for me to walk away from her and not look back. Everyone in my inner and outer circles thought she was an absolutely incredible human. She speaks 3 languages, dedicates her life to serving the homeless, is unimaginably charming and is very physically attractive.

Before diagnosis, she had my therapist fooled (she had sat in on some of my sessions with me), her therapist of 8 years fooled (I had sat in on some of her sessions) and she had our couples therapist (whose specialty is BPD diagnosis) fooled that we saw together the last few months before the wheels fell off. She deserves all of the EMMYs. 

I think (aside from all of the self doubt, manipulation, deprecation, emotional abuse - body shaming me and losing our dog to her), the most incredible thing she did is got pregnant with dog park guy, had an abortion and told me it was my baby and that we had had a miscarriage. Why she said anything at all is way beyond my realm of comprehension. Granted, as in any relationship, I was not perfect by any stretch of the imagination (especially after so many losses and trying to handle being her support during my time of need), but I most certainly did not deserve this. I was always supportive of her mentally and emotionally and was always faithful to her. I loved who I thought she was, regardless of any shortcomings and always tried to be supportive.

I recently had a few encounters that have been difficult to handle for me, I recently saw her cousin when out and started shaking and lost my breath. I couldn't lift a glass to my mouth. The same happened when I saw dog park guy's best friend on a walk (it's strangely happened 3 times in the past few weeks). Then, last week on a walk, I finally saw her walking their dogs out of the corner of my eye walking the opposite way on the opposite side for the street, and she literally gave me a goofy smile. I looked away and kept walking, but seeing her, and that exchange, set me back in lot of way this past week. That strange smile is etched in my brain.

Were the good times good? Were they even real? I have so many fond memories of what i thought were some of the best times of my life with her and our dog (I was so grateful for this family that I thought I had) and now I don't believe they ever really existed, because I truly had no idea who this person was that I was sleeping next to for 10 years.

I'm starting to feel like I'm exhibiting symptoms of PTSD (nightmares, uncontrollable shaking when triggered, drinking too much etc.).

What can I do (aside from what I've been doing and going back to therapy) to get my control / power / strength / happiness back? I'm learning to love myself again, on my own (and have had a few light romantic relationships since which came and went when they were supposed to).

I wonder when the nightmares will fade and how long it will take until I am no longer feeling broken given that they live so close to me and the triggers affect me in such a profound way. I know this was a lot to take in, and thank you all so much for taking the time to read this.

Any insights, suggestions or comments would be greatly appreciated.

Thank you all in advance.

PWRBCK

[jaded7]

I just want to say I read your post and there is so much there. I recognize a whole lot of what you are feeling. And many others of us.

I know when I first got here, just getting a response was somehow stress-relieving and validating, so I'm doing that for you here right now. More to come.

You aren't alone.

[SinisterComplex]

Hi,

I'd like to start by saying that I have found the resources on this site to be invaluable and I'd like to thank you all for starting this site and the participants for their insights. There is a bit of healing for me in just knowing I am not alone in this and that we all share a common bond.

After a ten year relationship with someone formally diagnosed by a psychiatrist with BPD and anxiety after our breakup, I'm having a very hard time recovering. I know 10 years is a long time and it's only been a year since going NC, and the good days are good, but in the bad days, I'm very low and need to find a way to take my power back from her fully, given the particular circumstances of my situation that I will talk about below.

I had been in therapy from the time my business partner passed away (2 and a half years ago) until about 2 months ago when I was feeling consistently good for a few weeks at a time and didn't have much to report to him. This past year, with the exception of the past few weeks, I have been putting in the work (journaling, self care, exercise, meditation, long walks, reading etc, though I am drinking more than I would like, which isn't helping). I think I'm just tired. Actually, I know I'm emotionally exhausted. I'm no stranger to the grieving process (although when I would go through a traumatic loss, I would have to try to support her through it, and I know know it's because she stepped out on us when I was going through some heavy losses, and this in hindsight is what was truly causing her BPD to flare up. The loss > her stepping out with someone else > the spiral > the recovery > rinse and repeat).

In the past 7 years, I've lost my mom to pancreatic cancer, my cousin who was a best friend from a heart attack at 47, and two years ago, one of my best friends and business partner from a covid related illness). After losing my business partner is when she started her most recent affair with a mutual acquaintance from a nearby dog park who lives two blocks from me. We would watch his dog for him and he for us. She had apparently lied to him and told him that we were broken up and still living together to open the door with him. To prove to him that she and I were still friends and broken up, just living together, she actually had me pick him and his dog up and take us all to the dog park after she had started her affair with him. I knew something was off that day (she was being distant while we were all together), but deep down inside, being that she and our dog were the only ones I looked at as family close, I didn't want to accept the fact that I was losing her too. I had already lost too much. I did confront her about my feeling and was gaslit to the point where I thought I was losing my mind.

I'm still having nightmares about her and of our dog that I had to give to her when going NC that we raised from a puppy. Like I said, it's been a year. She was using our dog as a manipulation tool to stay close to me. When I kicked her out, she moved straight from my house to his that day (2 blocks away) and has been living there since (one year). I often see her car in the street which triggers me. I've thought about moving, but for the price I'm paying now, I would get half of the space that I currently have (and I love my apartment, neighborhood, neighbors and landlord).

I also learned after our breakup that she was unfaithful to me with at least four different partners and their on and off affairs had longevity. At one point she flew a lover (that at one point I had suspicions about, confronted her, and was gaslit) to New Orleans the day I left there (her birthday weekend) telling me she got me a different flight because there was no more availability on the flight she had booked for herself and that her dad was going to pick her up from the airport and she was going to spend the night with her parents. He flew in to meet her the day I left for a night. She was also not going through a divorce like she had told me when we met. She was still with her husband. She's a classic 'monkey brancher' and one of the most amazing actresses and manipulators one could ever imagine. If anyone is wondering how I know everything I know, though I had issue with the ethics of it, she left her email open on my computer and yes, after I learned about the affair (and abortion - details below), after much deliberation, I went through it. She kept so many receipts, screenshots etc saved, that it actually made it easy for me to walk away from her and not look back. Everyone in my inner and outer circles thought she was an absolutely incredible human. She speaks 3 languages, dedicates her life to serving the homeless, is unimaginably charming and is very physically attractive.

Before diagnosis, she had my therapist fooled (she had sat in on some of my sessions with me), her therapist of 8 years fooled (I had sat in on some of her sessions) and she had our couples therapist (whose specialty is BPD diagnosis) fooled that we saw together the last few months before the wheels fell off. She deserves all of the EMMYs. 

I think (aside from all of the self doubt, manipulation, deprecation, emotional abuse - body shaming me and losing our dog to her), the most incredible thing she did is got pregnant with dog park guy, had an abortion and told me it was my baby and that we had had a miscarriage. Why she said anything at all is way beyond my realm of comprehension. Granted, as in any relationship, I was not perfect by any stretch of the imagination (especially after so many losses and trying to handle being her support during my time of need), but I most certainly did not deserve this. I was always supportive of her mentally and emotionally and was always faithful to her. I loved who I thought she was, regardless of any shortcomings and always tried to be supportive.

I recently had a few encounters that have been difficult to handle for me, I recently saw her cousin when out and started shaking and lost my breath. I couldn't lift a glass to my mouth. The same happened when I saw dog park guy's best friend on a walk (it's strangely happened 3 times in the past few weeks). Then, last week on a walk, I finally saw her walking their dogs out of the corner of my eye walking the opposite way on the opposite side for the street, and she literally gave me a goofy smile. I looked away and kept walking, but seeing her, and that exchange, set me back in lot of way this past week. That strange smile is etched in my brain.

Were the good times good? Were they even real? I have so many fond memories of what i thought were some of the best times of my life with her and our dog (I was so grateful for this family that I thought I had) and now I don't believe they ever really existed, because I truly had no idea who this person was that I was sleeping next to for 10 years.

I'm starting to feel like I'm exhibiting symptoms of PTSD (nightmares, uncontrollable shaking when triggered, drinking too much etc.).

What can I do (aside from what I've been doing and going back to therapy) to get my control / power / strength / happiness back? I'm learning to love myself again, on my own (and have had a few light romantic relationships since which came and went when they were supposed to).

I wonder when the nightmares will fade and how long it will take until I am no longer feeling broken given that they live so close to me and the triggers affect me in such a profound way. I know this was a lot to take in, and thank you all so much for taking the time to read this.

Any insights, suggestions or comments would be greatly appreciated.

Thank you all in advance.

PWRBCK

I will join Jaded in providing a proper welcome to the fam. 

We do understand here and you are indeed amongst friends. Continue to vent, ask questions, and engage with the community at large. What I would suggest is that to be sure to ask as many questions as you want to and share what you need to. This resource here gives you more back the more you put into it. We are all here to help one another improve and do better.

In the meantime my friend please take care of yourself and be kind to you.

Cheers and Best Wishes!

-SC-

[HoratioX]

Maybe this can help. I've got another thread where I describe some of the issues dating a woman that likely had BPD. You might check that out.

Some of what you wrote rings true to my own experience, including her still being involved with an ex that she claimed was platonic but later admitted to cheating with, only to take that back. Never a straight answer with her, and I suppose if she was cheating on me with him, then from his perspective, she was cheating on him with me.

After I broke it off for the final time, I did the usual postmortem. Except with her, there were always more questions than answers. I could have jumped into another relationship right after, which would certainly have distracted me (not to mention helped cure the sex withdrawal), but that wouldn't have been fair to the new girlfriend. Or to me.

So, I did a lot of thinking, as well as going online and looking up information and talking to people who were smarter and clearer-headed than me. Some of what I came to realize:

1) There will never be a fully rational explanation for her behavior. Trying to find one is fruitless. Yes, I can think of the medical and psychological causes for her actions, but that at best only explains the operation, not the operator.

2) When you're dealing with someone with profound mental and/or emotional issues, you can't apply the thinking of someone with a healthy mind. When we break up with someone mentally well, we still have unresolved thoughts and feelings, but we can begin to reconcile these by applying what we know someone healthy does. Little or none of that applies to someone who is unhealthy.

3) Untangling emotions -- which are irrational -- is tough enough when we are involved with someone mentally healthy. It's even tougher when they are not. We understand emotions like, say, anger or jealousy because they have a root in something that makes sense. With a mentally ill person, that's no longer true. Actions that cause reactions are not sane.

4) Everything gets worse with someone who is mentally and/or emotionally ill who then just jumps into another relationship, especially if it's immediately after our breakup. It's natural to wonder why or if there's something about the new person that we lack. We wonder if we could have done something differently to save the relationship, especially if that new relationship seems to be working. Again, while these are normal behaviors, they only apply to someone who is mentally and/emotionally healthy. We can't expect someone who is unhealthy to make decisions that make sense.

My point is that while it's good to find out as much as possible about something like BPD (or anxiety/CPTSD) so that we understand the nature of the other person and hopefully heal faster or better, we should do so without the expectation that we will actually understand the other person. That's just not possible in the conventional sense. And putting that much focus on the other person just makes it harder to move past them and on to someone else who is actually healthy. Our attention should be on us.

The emotional hurdles are hard. Hearing a favorite song or going past a restaurant we used to go to together is not easy. And it's perfectly normal to feel haunted by those experiences. But to me, the road to recovery comes from first acknowledging that the ex's problems are not a reflection of us. We didn't cause them, and we're not responsible for them.

The second issue is to understand that even with professional help, their illness will stay with them. Perhaps they will go into remission, but like an alcoholic, they are always one thin moment from giving in. Some might be able to fight it. Some might be successful. But it takes enormous effort. And giving in is binary -- they do or don't. It's that simple. That tempting.

That means whoever they are with will be under the same constant threat. They are not in a better situation than we were. They did not win some prize. In fact, because we are no longer in their shoes, we are in the better situation. We'll remain so as long as we stay away from the ex.

Lastly, keep in mind that from the outside, things almost always look better than they are. If that doesn't make sense, think of all the times we were in conflict with our ex and no one else knew. Think of how many times we were in the same physical space but might as well have been a thousand miles away. Think of every smiling photograph that hid the argument a few moments before or after. Think of every lie the ex said or every cheat they indulged when they thought they could get away with it. That's what the next person is going through. No amount of smiles, handholding, or pics on social media changes that, any more than it did when we were with them.

If you keep all this in mind, maybe it will help with the healing. But you didn't lose anything. You escaped. You got out of something that had no future except more misery or worse. If you're only remembering the "good times," keep in mind they were like only seeing the top of the iceberg, and the bad times were the rest, the part that wrecks ships. If anyone lost anything, it was the ex. But then they're always going to lose. That's not sour grapes. That's just the sad reality of their condition. You, on the other hand, have hope.

[PWRBK]

This is so very helpful. It's helping to bring clarity to what I know in my heart, but needed to be reinforced in my mind. Thank you so much for sharing this.

[PWRBK]

I guess I'm also wondering how long the nerves when triggered / nightmares / dreams will last?

I know it was a 10 year relationship, and It's only been a year, but damn.

I recently read a passage in Cohelo's "The Pilgrimage" an interesting mindfulness practice that I'm starting to employ to try to break the negative loop I've been living through for the past year. Since they live 2 blocks from me, I'm always driving / walking past their block and am triggered. In the book, it says, when you can manifest a mental or emotional pain / negative self talk into something physically uncomfortable, and realize it every time you do it, you may be more prone to stop mentally harming yourself. I went on a walk a few days ago and because I pinched my thumb with my fingernail every time it happened, on a 45 minute walk in my neighborhood, I thought about her, him them, being worried about seeing them etc 40-50 times.

I never realized that in trying to practice self care (going for a walk), I was consistently feeding the negative feedback loop and now that there is more mindfulness there, I feel like I'm in a position to do something about it.

I did see her last week walking who used to be our dog and his dog on the other side of the street, going in the opposite direction. Thankfully, I had sunglasses on and saw her out of the corner of my eye, but what really gets me is the goofy smile she gave me. I looked straight ahead and kept walking (with my heart racing). That set me back quite a bit, but hopefully with this new practice, and absorbing what you have written, things will continue to get better day by day, and hopefully a little faster every day.

Thank you again for sharing your thoughts.

[HoratioX]

I wish I could tell you.  I hate to invoke the tiresome cliche, but it depends on the person (and the relationship).

I know for me, I don't just fall for a woman because I find her attractive and she does me. Things have to click on several levels. So, I think I fall harder in this sense than for some people, and that means it takes longer to get over them when they're over. I still think of some of my exes from time to time.

With someone with BPD (or, perhaps, anxiety/CPSTD), the problem is compounded because A) They may have molded themselves to our expectations, B) They came at us with greater intensity than other exes, and C) The sex was epic.

Recovering from break ups has been compared to kicking heroin in terms of the brain chemicals. Recovering from someone with BPD (etc.) is like kicking some of the most potent heroin you've ever had -- heroin that at least initially seemed to be custom made for us.

But, from my own experience, things get better not so much by time but by fulfillment; that is, replacing what is missing after a break up and hopefully with something better. The crudest example of this is simply another relationship. A caveat there, though: It has to be a genuine relationship and not just a rebound.  Otherwise, it's not only unfair to the other person, but it's false and hollow, and you'll be reminded of that eventually. Then you'll get upset with the new GF because she's not the old one.

A few things about your situation that I think makes it worse, though:

1) You live close by and not only are constantly reminded by the physical markers in the space but also by seeing her.

2) She has a dog you shared and raised. I don't know about you, but I'm an animal lover, and I would miss the dog at least as much as the ex.

3) You have 10 years of experiences together. That's an eighth of the average human lifespan. That's more time than you probably spent in high school and college combined.  It's a lot of years.

4) You seem to still have unresolved feelings about her, to the degree you're injuring yourself (with your thumb, for instance) when seeing her to distract. That's not good.

You said you were in therapy (starting with the issue with your former business partner), and I'd encourage you to keep seeing a therapist and getting as much professional support as you can. They're certainly in a better position to work with you.

That said, one of the challenges someone in your position has to face is that by being in the same place and having her so close by, it probably feels like the only thing missing is her (and the dog, of course).  To me, that just puts someone in an awkward position to keep anticipating the ex is going to walk in the door and everything will be like it was before the break up.

If that's the case, then that might be why you continue to be haunted, have nightmares, can't sleep well, etc. 

I don't know that you have to move, but it might be worth considering. 

You may also need to rethink what no contact means. Driving or walking past her place probably satisfies some curiosity or emotional need in the moment, but it's ultimately self defeating. It's rather stalker-y, too, especially if the reason you're doing it is to know where she's at or what she's doing rather than let imaginings about such take over.  To me, it's not a healthy way to approach getting past the break up.  The same might be said for looking her up online or through social media, if you're doing that.

But I want to reiterate something: Her life is not better. It may seem like it from the outside looking in, but it can't be. She might be in that part of the cycle where she's on cloud nine with a new toy and experiences, but it's an illusion. She will exhaust those in time. It's the calm before the storm. Maybe that's part of the reason for her goofy smile -- an awkward, almost drunken sort of moment of insight on her part. The same might be said for having to parade her new relationship around the block -- often, the more someone has to do so, the more it communicates how shaky things really are behind the scenes.  And remember that guy she's with is facing or going to face as much or worse than what you went through. It is, many might say, inevitable.

If you don't believe that, you might write down a list of the good and bad things in your relationship (though I'd check with the therapist before doing this just to make sure it's okay). You might discover afterward how much longer the bad part of the list is than the good. The same might be said for looking at old emails or messages where her illness came through. Sometimes a reminder of such things helps to create more perspective because we naturally only want to remember the good things. But, again, check with the therapist to make sure the value of this outweighs any emotional baggage it might incur.

Lastly, let me say it will get better. There will come a time when you will think of her but feel very little except, perhaps, pity. You will look at her or a photograph and see all the flaws that you didn't notice before, and as she ages, those flaws are probably not going to get better. I'm not reducing someone to simply their physical features, of course. I'm only saying those are the most obvious and immediate, and when you can look at her and see reality rather than what, perhaps, you may be projecting based on feelings and memories, you will know you've gotten over her.

[Stuckinhope]

First, I'm really sorry to hear that you lost some of the people closest to you. That must make a relationship as challenging as the one you describe so much more difficult to sustain yourself in. I think you should be really proud of the work you have been doing, and being able to reconnect with the good things in life after going through all of that. I'm saying that as someone who is still really struggling to find my way back at the moment too.

I know what you mean about feeling the bond on this site. When I read a story here, it almost feels like having a brother or sister in arms for lack of a better expression. So many people out there, trying to give, listen, heal, help - just unfortunately having offered those gifts to some pretty broken people. It sounds like you gave a lot over the years, and didn't get the care, loyalty and love you deserved in return.

The level of deception and manipulation you have experienced is not something I feel like can offer true insight into, but I would not be surprised if it could trigger something like PTSD. My own experience with my wife was mostly being treated as if I was either deceiving her (I wasn't), going to leave her (I wasn't, until I had to) criticizing her (okay, sometimes) and being dragged along with her escalating anger, when I failed to say or do the right thing for her to stop spiralling. Being exposed to what people with BPD carry around inside them seems to be really toxic over time. It left me totally exhausted emotionally. I'm struggling with depression and it has definitely escalated my anxiety to new levels. What you describe sounds like it could be a bad panic attack? I know those pretty well, and it's really debilitating not to mention scary to experience.

I understand that you feel really connected to your home, which is a blessing. On the one hand, I feel like she shouldn't be allowed to impact what you decide to do here at all. So maybe it's about getting the right help, which would allow you to stay - to take your power back from her like you said.

Then again, I ask myself whether or not I could manage to stay grounded if was exposed to my wife, the things and people connected to her on a regular basis like you seem to be...and I don't know if I could do that? Just having her say something insensitive in a text is quite triggering and can stick to me for a while. Granted, I'm not as far in my process as you are, I think, but it sounds like it would be very challenging for sure.

With people who have this condition, their surface level seems to something to be mindful of. Their smile, their ease around other people, happy photos, charm and engaging personality. I'm positive that most of the people, who have met my wife, when she has charm mode switched on, would never believe how aggressive, self-centered and destructive she can be behind closed doors. That she can threaten herself with a knife at one moment, and an hour later be laughing and drinking wine at a restaurant like nothing ever happened. Or the constant emptiness and inner turmoil she has described to me so many times.

So that smile your ex sent you the other day could probably mean so many different things. But it doesn't mean that she is happy, I dont think, or necessarily feel much better about the encounter than you did even. A smile isn't always a smile, you know? That turmoil inside her likely follows around, no matter who she is currently living with. That being said, I know something like that could definitely shake me up and stay with me as well.

I hope you feel better and continue your recovery. It sounds like you're on the right path, even if the bad days do take their toll.

[PWRBK]

HoratioX and Stuckinhope -

Thank you for the kind and thoughtful words and for taking the time. You both have very well thought out, positive insights that I am grateful for.

HoratioX -

I do miss our dog so, so much. I feel that's been the biggest loss here. I dream of her once a week or so. What I thought my ex and I had I no longer feel was real in hindsight and I never knew who she truly was. We raised our dog from 3 months old. We tried to co-parent, but she was consistently using our dog to try to stay close to me and it could not work, so i was forced to give her our baby (though as hard as it is to digest, 'our' baby did have 2 dads the last year of our relationship). Remember, we met him at the dog park.

In terms of driving past their house, I don't do that, but to get to the main street from my house, I have to pass their block (which is one block away from me, but they live one block over (though I suppose I could go out of my way to go a few blocks over every time I leave my house, but that doesn't necessarily feel 'right' either). Because of the proximity, I am often worried that I will see them and lightly pinching my fingernail into my thumb has been a mindfulness exercise, though I suppose I could simply pinch my fingers together just to tell myself 'you're doing it again' (negative self talk, is that her, is that him, I hope I don't see them etc).

Any other ideas to try to break this vicious loop, I'm in are more than welcome.

As far as going no contact goes, I have her blocked on phone, email and socials (but learned she did try to email me to see how I was doing 4 months after the breakup, but it went into my spam folder because she was blocked and I did not respond to it). I have been guilty of checking her IG from time to time through this past year from my business account that doesn't have her blocked and have since stopped doing this. Another unhelpful reminder is that her father (who is a very kind man with whom I had a great relationship with) engages in my socials from time to time. I'm thankfully past going through old emails for the last 6 months or so (and don't care to relive the trauma of what I've learned with her constant deceit through the years i.e. 'Oh, that's the period of time she was cheating on my with so and so' etc. Remember, she kept SO many receipts) and have a setting on my phone that doesn't allow her pictures / memories to come up from face recognition. In a way, I look at this as a battle and I need to continue to protect myself. At this point (unlike at the beginning of our breakup), I gratefully have absolutely no desire to see her nor do I care where she is or what she's doing. I think I'm in the anger phase of this grieving process because I do have a genuine disdain for her and her illness that hopefully one day will become pity for her like you said, in that she has to live with herself and her consistently abhorrent actions for the rest of her life. It took me a while to get here, but with any memories that come to me remind me that she is poison. In hindsight and reflecting on our relationship, she made my life miserable and I am so, so much happier on my own. What I thought were the good times did seem magical, but they were certainly few and far between, but if I'm being 1000% honest here, I do miss the explosive sex that we often had. You hit so many nails on the head. I do genuinely feel sorry for what her new lover is going to have to endure and in my heart of hearts, I know that he and I are both very much alike in that we are both kind people, and have some erie similarities in our upbringing both having had a mentally ill parent etc, but he is now aware that she was cheating on both of us for over a year and he chose to stay with her, so that's his battle to fight.

I do think I'm going to reconnect with my therapist this week. Thank you for the nudge.

Stuckinhope -

Thank you so much again for the very kind words. The way I look at this is what you put into it is what you get out of it, which is why I've been implementing so many self care practices over the past year. I can completely relate to anxiety and depression walking this difficult road with us. Some days are so much better than others. I feel like we lose a piece of ourselves to our BPD partners, but as we rebuild and get back to our true authentic selves,when there are good times and good days, we need to embrace them and rejoice in them. Also, I'm very familiar with the threats of suicide. It's very scary to say the least. Looking back, I don't think she ever wanted to hurt herself, or me for that matter, but simply couldn't control herself and when she did something that she would regret, she would spiral downward which would manifest itself in a threat of self harm (through the 10 years she may have threatened suicide at least 10-12 times).

Going no contact, therapy, meditation, exercise, daily journaling, long walks and being more social, being kind to yourself (which can be tough for me, but is getting easier), going out to dinners with friends etc have been so healing and helpful for me and could possibly help you as well? I will say, I've been using an app called balance for guided daily meditations that's free for the first year and i think $60 if you continue to use it.

I wish you both the best on your journeys as well, and try to keep in mind that self care is the best kind of medicine.

Thank you both so much for your kind words, thoughtfulness and insights.

Wishing you both the best.

[HoratioX]

I certainly wish you the best in all this, and I do think therapy is something to turn to, especially if you are having nightmares and such.

I'm no expert on BPD/CPTSD/anxiety. I have some of my own questions, which I've noted in the other thread. I'm sure I'll have more, and I may even seem to contradict myself as I sort through things and develop my own understanding. It's an evolutionary process at best.

But an observation I've made is humans are creatures of habits and patterns. We settle into routines, some of us more than others. When we let someone into our life, we are in effect changing those habits and patterns up to accommodate them, but the longer they're in our lives, the more we adapt to them and, we hope, they to us.

The problem that someone with BPD (etc.) presents is they initially minimize those changes. That is, because they are working so hard to impress us or to mirror us, they blend in seamlessly. That, I think, is one of the reasons they imprint on us so powerfully. It's not just them as a person but how they now fit into our lives in ways we are unlikely to experience otherwise. For lack of a better term, the coupling is "easy," and that makes us think we've found a soul mate.

But in reality, relationships are messy, even the ones between two mentally and emotionally healthy people who are mature and compatible. After the initial attraction to someone who is attracted to us, we have to learn how to be with that person even when they're at their worst. They may still have attitudes and behaviors we don't like, and this may lead to conflict, and conflict may lead to a break up. 

But the BPD (etc.) person seems to bypass so much of that -- at least at first. That's when the emotional ties are created, though. By the time they reveal their true nature, we may have developed far deeper ties than with anyone before. Trying to cut those ties can be a Herculean task.

You seem to be tangling with a lot of that. You have 10 years of experiences to try to disconnect yourself from. That's a powerful amount of "baggage." And, of course, your mind and memories are going to dwell more on the good things than the bad. Even if you think about the bad, you may wonder if there's something you could have done better to make them good. When you see them with someone else and it seems to be working, you may further wonder what you could have done differently. After all, if things are working with them, why didn't they work with you?

That seems to be the loop you're in, or at least a significant portion of it.

To break that loop may involve reminding yourself what you experienced was in large part an illusion. Now, I have to be careful. That doesn't mean your ex necessarily didn't care about you or her feelings were ever or always insincere. Separating the illness from real thoughts and emotions is tough, and I'm not sure even your ex (or mine) would be able to do that.

But the illness creates a lot of falsity regardless, both in the sense of outright lies and in the sense of delusional or manipulative behaviors on her part. As you've described her, your ex (and mine) is not a mentally and/or emotionally healthy person. They are broken. They are incomplete. They are unreliable.

You perhaps have to keep this in mind. If you try to apply a mentally and/or emotionally healthy framework to your relationship with her, you will keep coming up short on answers and resolutions. But if you recognize the disorder is inherently without rationality, you might be able to break the loop. That is, you will stop looking for sane, sensible conclusions because they are not there. You will realize the answers to your questions are that there are no answers, only the illness.

What is there is the appearance of such from time to time. Her walking the dog is a rational, recognizable action. What you're not seeing is the turmoil inside her head, nor whatever chaos or deceit happened before and happens after walking the dog. From a distance, you're seeing a glimpse of normality. But it's an illusion.

So, if you're going to break the loop, that to me seems to involve your constantly reminding yourself of this while also changing your behavior. It's not going to be easy, and if you need professional support, I'd again strongly recommend you work with a therapist. But until such happens, it seems like it will take a lot to get past the relationship.



 

[Stuckinhope]

Thank you so much again for the very kind words. The way I look at this is what you put into it is what you get out of it, which is why I've been implementing so many self care practices over the past year. I can completely relate to anxiety and depression walking this difficult road with us. Some days are so much better than others. I feel like we lose a piece of ourselves to our BPD partners, but as we rebuild and get back to our true authentic selves,when there are good times and good days, we need to embrace them and rejoice in them. Also, I'm very familiar with the threats of suicide. It's very scary to say the least. Looking back, I don't think she ever wanted to hurt herself, or me for that matter, but simply couldn't control herself and when she did something that she would regret, she would spiral downward which would manifest itself in a threat of self harm (through the 10 years she may have threatened suicide at least 10-12 times).

Going no contact, therapy, meditation, exercise, daily journaling, long walks and being more social, being kind to yourself (which can be tough for me, but is getting easier), going out to dinners with friends etc have been so healing and helpful for me and could possibly help you as well? I will say, I've been using an app called balance for guided daily meditations that's free for the first year and i think $60 if you continue to use it.

You're very welcome, and thank you for the suggestions. I try to stick to the things that are helping me, and you mentioned a lot of them right there. I used to meditate pretty regularly, especially body scans and things like that since I tend to get really stuck in my head. I found a lot of relief and healing connection with the moment in just feeling my body. I should start doing that again.

I'm trying to embrace the good days too, and especially reconnecting with the things I can enjoy in peace now that I'm by myself again. It's really valuable to start piecing those things together, and finding a way back to who I am, when I'm not with her. I'm happy to hear that you feel the rewards from that too.

About the suicide threats...it's incredible how something like that can almost be normalized too. My wife didn't actually want to do it either, but there were a few times, where I really do wonder, if she might have done it for real if I hadn't physically prevented her from going through with it. Over time it started to scare her more too. Because the more times it happened, she said the feeling she got from doing it started "calling" to her. Like when she was starting to feel really upset, the sensation of sitting at the edge of a window for instance would almost beckon her.

Yeah, it's scary stuff for sure. I wish I had never been exposed to it, but even in that there is something to be learned, I'm sure.