BPD daughter has hard time going to doctor

[louise24]

We have a 26 year old daughter with BPD.   She also a lot of medical issues.   She resisted going for medical help for a while.   But has learned the hard way that Drs are essential if she wants to live.   She has fallen out recently with her family doctor.  We gave her information on other doctors but she does not want to think about it right now and got upset for bringing up.   I told her your choice you are an adult. Also told her we love her and there for her if she wants help.   My wife told me that sometimes we have to go through some drama to plant seeds in her thinking.   With all she goes through she needs family doctor besides the specialists she sees. Did we have right approach?.  Other ideas?  I read where you need to stay calm and cool when daughter is upset. I try but honestly it years me up inside.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[kells76]

Hello and welcome to the group  

Sounds like your D26 might be in a transitional stage of having some stumbles as she learns how to be an adult, which is pretty normal. And, even adults without BPD may have some resistance to seeing a doctor, for a variety of reasons (my non-BPD husband included!). I say that not to minimize the hurt and challenges of your situation, where you love your D26 beyond words and only want her to be well. It's more to bring you some hope and freedom -- what you're doing (offering some info on other doctors, reminding her she can reach out to you for support, then backing off) is sensible and you're allowed to step back from managing her life.

I sometimes wonder if pwBPD have extra-extra-long "return to baseline" times. If I fell out with my doctor, then depending on what had happened, I might be able to "return to baseline" in a few days, maybe a few weeks, before being ready to look for a new one.  If your D26 suffers from BPD, though, then she could be extra sensitive to situations like that, and take a much longer time (weeks? months?) to get to a solid WiseMind baseline than other folks. It may well have been "too soon" for her to start to look for a new doctor -- she may have been telling the truth when she said she didn't want to think about it.

Seems like what you're doing is smart (reminding her she gets to choose, then backing away) and may actually benefit your relationship with her, as it gives all of you time to cool off and not continue a conflict.

Is she still on your insurance? Living with you?

Looking forward to hearing more from you, whenever works best for you;

kells76

[js friend]

Hi Louise24,

My udd has always hated going to the doctor. She would rather go to a walk in health centre ( where they dont personally know her), ring the ambulance service or will research and diagnose herself and end up taking OTC (over the counter) medication) which have included taking strong painkillers that can easily end up ripping  the stomach apart if not taken properly rather than book an appointment to see a Dr.  Anything to do with her own health needs ends up being an is an emergency, and the process of going to see a doctor is just too slow for her. I believe that she also has a lot of fear surrounding her health. Maybe your dd is actually afraid of knowing the whole truth about her condition and just cant deal with it right now especially if it is a long term chronic illness. Sometimes it all just gets too much even without bpd. Already pwbpd often dont feel that they fit in with society and if they have an illness to deal with ontop it just makes everything 10x worse so you will need to be patient. It  could also be the reason why your dd has painted your Dr black. I understand you are concerned your udd  but I think you should step away for a while about her about finding a new doctor. Pwbpd dont deal with stress very well and she is just too stressed to deal with it at the moment.  It doesnt mean she wont come round to dealing with her health issues at the moment she just probably needs more time to process it all. I would suggest that you give  it a while and then try again in a perhaps a more casual way.

[Sancho]

Hi Louise24
Thanks for posting about this. I really struggle with this issue with dd and glad to read responses etc.

My dd's long time GP retired several years ago and since then it's been awful. DD will get into a tizz and say 'Make me a doctor's appointment' as she whizzes past. I have made appts in the past and she hasn't kept them. We did get to a really good doc for one appt - I have to go with her - and then he left.

We are still struggling to get established with a GP.

DD has severe needle phobia also and doesn't seem to cope with people talking a lot because, I think, she knows she could be triggered and 'lose it', and she doesn't want to do that.

For me it's a nightmare. There is not much I can do except hang in there until there is a crisis - that's when things might happen.

I notice your DD sees specialists. Do they need to have referral from a GP? I was just wondering if you casually said to DD that she needs to find someone before her referrals run out. I do find it is much better to be really laid back (or pretend to be!!)
about it all.

I think the 'sowing the seed' and coping with the reaction is good too. I have to do this quite a lot.