Adult daughter with bpd has broken my heart with her words

[EmDB]

Two months ago my daughter, in a fit of spitting rage while we were sitting in a parked car together, accused me of being the reason her sister (my firstborn of two daughters, both diagnosed with BPD) died by suicide 8 years ago.  She said her sister wrote over and over in her journals about how much she hated me and that I was the reason she did it, she could not stand to live on the same planet as I.  I don't even remember the drive home, I was so upset and probably should not have been at the wheel at all.  In the same outburst, she called a f***ing psychotic bi*ch.  I am 63.  She is in her mid 30s.  Months ago, she (possibly cruelly, possibly in attempt to communicate) shared with me a psychiatric intake note, via  text, in which her therapist described a contributing factor to her emotional dysregulation as "inappropriate parenting", and I now understand that she describes herself as having been reared by an emotionally abusive and sexually inappropriate parent (ME).  She accuses me of being narcisistic and a gaslighter, and  I am broken.  I don't even have the energy to defend myself to her, I am still processing the suicide of her sister. I have a therapist.  But this is unbearable pain.  Utterly.  I cannot look at her.  I'm the mom.  I need to be able to make eye contact with my surviving adult daughter.  But I can no longer make eye contact with her.  I feel like a POS.  God as my witness, I never emotionally (that I am aware of), physically, or sexually abused either of our daughters. I don't think it's possible to be our best versions 100% of the time, even when we hope to be.  But I was/am a good parent.  Or was I? What kind of person resents her own mentally ill daughter this deeply?  But I do.  I'm ashamed to admit that I feel afraid to be alone with her. But I am. This is no way to live. 

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Sancho]

You must be in a state of shock and grief EmDB. First of all to have two children diagnosed with BPD is a heavy load indeed. Those who have one child diagnosed and at least one other child who does not have this truly awful illness, the journey can be a bit lighter because there is someone there to say 'You were/are a great mom and none of this is real'.

It took me a long time to understand the notion of 'target of blame' in BPD. It is the reality of a deeply dysfunctional mind that can't bear to acknowledge that the emotional pain they experience, the dysfunctional lifestyle, the chaos that they exist in due to this dysfunction. So they land it all usually on the person most caring, most supportive and who is there for them through it all.

Yes your DD probably did write lots of stuff about you - she was unloading her pain on you because she couldn't acknowledge it as part of herself. This wasn't anything to do with you - it was/is what BPD is (or one of many complex symptoms of this condition).

It is also not uncommon for a therapist to locked into the story they are told. Lots of therapists have little life experience and ability to know how to go beyond what they are told. They don't see that the dots don't join up, so they don't explore to get to the truth.

I hope you know the mantra 'I didn't cause this, I can't control it, I can't cure it'.

You have carried a huge load for many years and I am wondering if this is the moment when you find a way to step back to create some space for yourself - it doesn't matter what type of space, it can be physical, emotional etc.  I am not sure what the details are - eg whether dd lives with you etc or how often you meet up.

This moment could be a turning point to let go of any feeling of responsibility or guilt. It could be a moment when you convince yourself that you do/have done all that you can and it could be a moment when you tell yourself that - having done all this, been through all this - the gift of your life is important too and needs to be nourished.

My DD let's fly with extraordinary verbal abuse at me for the slightest thing. I know underneath she knows it's wrong, but she cannot stop herself from heaping abuse and scorn on me whenever she is not coping etc.

Mostly I can let it go past me. It is BPD, and it is not 'real' in the sense that it is totally illogical.

I think you will look your dd in the eye when you have built up your self confidence and self worth to the point where you deeply know that all of this is not about you - it is what BPD is. When we know this we can hold our heads high, weather the storms and at the same time hold the love in our hearts for our BPD children.

Thinking of you and thanks for posting.

[js friend]

Hi EmDB,

You must allow yourself time and space from your dd. Pwbpd can  be very cruel with their words. The worse thing to date my udd has said to me is that Iam "pathetic". That one word has hurt me more than all the verbal abuse she has thrown at me throughout the years, and I still have not got over it although it was many years ago. I have never ever been called Pathetic before and coming from my own child was really a kick in the guts. No way was I perfect as a parent, none of  us are, but I was not and Iam not pathetic as a person. Maybe my udd was projecting and maybe your dd doing the same too. What we have to remember is that our pwbpd have disordered minds, and not to allow what they say and do be taken to heart. I bet you have struggled for many years with your dds disorders but unfortunately they dont see it that way. I really commend you. How can we ever expect to move forward and resolve anything if we are in a perpetual cycle of blame and abuse and to be constantly accused of making their lives a living hell. Once tried family therapy and had a therapist who udd decided she would only speak to alone which ended up only making matters worse as the therapist ended up  agreeing with udd that I was an overbearing parent and that she (udd) was just trying to find her own way in life!

I believe the only way forward  is to take a step back and give yourself some breathing space. Make it be a gift you can give to yourself. You have been hurt. If this were a physical injury your dd had dished out to you you would need time to recover, I see emotional distress in the same way. Give yourself time to heal and look after yourself...you deserve it. I would also advise you to work on your boundaries with your dd. Boundaries are there to protect you and they really work. Give it time Im sure you will be able to look your dd in the eye again, but it will take time.

[Nekorb]

I’m sorry. That’s so hard. Boundaries, boundaries, boundaries.

Nekorb

[Flossy]

 They choose the thing that would cause their parent the worst pain and use it as a weapon. They live in a delusion. Don't participate in her delusion.

Don't even consider there is any truth in it for one minute. Of course you have no fault in your daughters' suicide. Your second daughter is stuck in a stage of a four year old brat who is throwing a continual tantrum and wants to destroy you.

I am sorry. I know it sounds harsh but I think BPD people are evil. No conscience, no empathy, just me, me, me and pretence, manipulation and nastiness.

I have a 53 year old daughter who destroyed me by cutting me out of her life 15 years ago. "Because I told her I wanted to die after my son (her brother) died from a lung disease and my own mother would not even visit me "as there is no point, I cant get around". She was angry because she had to ring me the next day to be sure I had not done something.

After trying everything in my power and more to resolve things, I went through anger about four years ago, then 18 months ago reached the stage where I do not want her back in my life. Not at all, not for any reason, under any circumstances.

Fortunately, for her, she is married to a very wealthy Narcissistic, ASD man who
controls her with money and gives her a life she has complete financial security in. So, she has what was always important to her.

The real reason she cut me out of her life, is that she embezzled money from the bank she was working in. I worked for a year to have all evidence of it removed from the internet as she feared her son would find the articles one day and know what she did. After I succeeded in having it removed, I sent her an email. She had already cut most communications with me. I told her it was safe now. But guess what? Her husband read it. She had not told him about the embezzling or the court case. Who does that? Who robs a bank and then gets married and doesn't tell their husband what they did?

She cut me out of her life because she feared me because I may tell some other truth about her that she has not revealed.

I never want that kind of person in my life. I have worked hard to remove every toxic person from my life and now live a lovely simple life without lies or fear.

This child was my best friend and my greatest love. I had her at 17.

I read one statement years ago that I put up on my wall.

"You are grieving a relationship that did not exist."

I feel for you.

 I hope you can see the truth of what you are dealing with quickly.
Don't get sucked into her madness and cruelty.  Basically, she is nuts and a horrible person.

[Flossy]

PS I used every tool on here and more.

I know many will be offended by my strong words.

There are quite a few mothers in the group who have reached the stage I have.

I make no apology. The proof is in the fact that I no longer suffer the terrible anguish trying to work some kind of program.

I just came to the conclusion that she is an ####ole and I dont want her in my life. I want the last segment of my life to have peace and contentment. That is exactly what my life is like now. Peaceful and contented and I have some joy in almost every single day. I love my life.

[CC43]

Em,

I'm so sorry for you.  Having two daughters with BPD is a heavy burden, and mourning the tragic loss of your daughter is the toughest of all.

I have an adult stepdaughter diagnosed with BPD, and she can be incredibly mean and explosive.  Basically she accused her entire family of mistreating her, from physical abuse to sexual abuse and bullying, none of which was true--and most of the time, she was the instigator, not the target, of abuse!  She destroyed her relationships with extended family, and she lost all her friends.  She tried to insult me as well, but I'm not burdened by feelings of maternal guilt and responsibility for her, so I saw right through it. Her insults were misguided attempts to rid herself of anger, jealousy and feelings of helplessness and shame.  In fact, I eventually figured out that her insults were basically projections of her negative feelings, and not based on truths, before she got her BPD diagnosis.  Her thinking was so negative, distorted and emotional that what she said was clearly fanciful, and not based on reality.  When she accused others of being narcissistic, disrespectful, demanding or abusive, what she was describing was herself, not somebody else.  Her brain would distort and re-cast history into stories of abuse that were twisted beyond all recognition.  So I imagine that this could be what your daughter is doing.

I know it's hard not to take your daughter's vitriol to heart.  But rest assured that her words are BPD talking, and not about anything bad you did.  Your daughter is hurting, and she's taking it out on you, because you are the most important person in her life.  She knows you well, and she knows how to push your buttons.  You can take it as a sign that she's hurting and dysregulated.  She's probably mourning the loss of her sister, too.  Maybe she wants to hurt you, in a misguided, subconscious attempt to show you how badly she's hurting inside.  It's just that with BPD, she's emotionally immature, and she might not be able to identify the source of her feelings, or understand where they are really coming from, let alone communicate them to you.

It's probably impossible to say anything that can take your pain away.  But I think there may be a glimmer of hope.  After my stepdaughter committed to DBT therapy, she eventually repaired the relationship with her dad.  Basically, she said she didn't mean any of the terrible things she said and did to him.  She was hurting, and her lashing out (and suicide attempts) were cries for help.  She eventually understood that he saved her, which is true.  But it took a lot of heartbreak, and some relapses, to get to that point.  Even so, she still hasn't repaired the relationship with her mom.  So it's a long and windy road.

I'm sure you're not a bad parent, and that you did your best.  You're daughter's spitting rage is BPD talking.  If her rage is too much for you to bear, I'd suggest keeping your distance when she's like that, to give her time and space to cool down.  In other words, when she has an "adult tantrum," she needs an "adult time-out," and you might also need your own time-out to get back to a cooler and calmer headspace.  When my stepdaughter was raging, I would take lots of walks in nature.  I'd also focus on three elements of self-care:  eating right, exercising (mostly walks) and getting sleep.  The worse things got, the more I focused on self-care.  Sometimes it was hard to sleep because I was so worried, but I told myself that lying down and closing my eyes was resting for my body, even if my mind was racing.  Many times I'd focus on deep breathing--you might check out the "box breathing" technique to help you calm down.  I resort to box breathing whenever I'm really stressed, and I find it helps a little.

Look, I understand the notion that you can't look your daughter in the eye right now.  She wounded you, and you're reeling, maybe even angry.  But it sounds like you both need some time and space to mourn, and to process things, and to sit with feelings of anger, confusion, loss, resentment, grief, despair.  It might take some time.  But it doesn't have to be forever.  I wish you a little peace right now.