What now?

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

It had gotten to the point that all visits between my baby’s father (and ex pwBPD) are now supervised by a family member. It had been just me, but his game playing and control had gotten to the stage I had to have a third party present.

In the latest meeting, baby was upset when he held her, and he started shouting at me and my family member saying awful things but disguised as him trying to have a ‘reasonable discussion about childcare arrangements’. I gave him the option to stop and we would stay, or continue and we would leave. He continued, so we left. This was all in the middle of the day at a public event in front of lots of people. I think he had been drinking.

My family has suggested we meet with his family member there also once a week. This will be a bit of a drive as they don’t live nearby.

I am really at the point where after so much abuse and mind games via emails in between meetings, to the point I am struggling to be present parenting little one, and 2 (possibly 3) instances now of him turning up to see baby having been drinking, should I really still be trying to facilitate these meetings? I can’t see how it is a positive for anyone other than him. Maybe not even him!

Next stage could be going to court. I am reluctant to do it as he’s so manipulative and lies so freely, I’m worried it will result in more involvement in baby’s life than he currently has, which I don’t think is positive for her. The involvement would always be supervised but I’m afraid of the impact he will have on her life and development.

Any thoughts would be welcome!

[Purplegiraffe]

It had gotten to the point that all visits between my baby’s father (and ex pwBPD) are now supervised by a family member. It had been just me, but his game playing and control had gotten to the stage I had to have a third party present.

In the latest meeting, baby was upset when he held her, and he started shouting at me and my family member saying awful things but disguised as him trying to have a ‘reasonable discussion about childcare arrangements’. I gave him the option to stop and we would stay, or continue and we would leave. He continued, so we left. This was all in the middle of the day at a public event in front of lots of people. I think he had been drinking.

My family has suggested we meet with his family member there also once a week. This will be a bit of a drive as they don’t live nearby.

I am really at the point where after so much abuse and mind games via emails in between meetings, to the point I am struggling to be present parenting little one, and 2 (possibly 3) instances now of him turning up to see baby having been drinking, should I really still be trying to facilitate these meetings? I can’t see how it is a positive for anyone other than him. Maybe not even him!

Next stage could be going to court. I am reluctant to do it as he’s so manipulative and lies so freely, I’m worried it will result in more involvement in baby’s life than he currently has, which I don’t think is positive for her. The involvement would always be supervised but I’m afraid of the impact he will have on her life and development.

Any thoughts would be welcome!

[livednlearned]

I read back in your messages here and I'm wondering if maybe the attorney advising you is missing something? ... telling you to just ignore your ex's emails seems odd, although maybe because your ex is in a real one-down position your attorney thought it was ok to be dismissive?

My attorney changed her demeanor over the course of our relationship. At first she was quite curt but as she got to know me and realized I was genuinely concerned for our kid, she thawed and actually became a friend. I think family law attorneys see so many parents make bad choices, often excusing the other parent's bad behaviors, or trying to appease parents who are not fit to raise their kids -- attorneys become jaded and guarded because in the end it's their client who makes the choices, whether it's returning to a bad relationship and messing up the kid even more or not following through on their advice, whatever that may be.

Attorneys can care about the welfare of the kids, but there's not much they can do if the parents are compromised in their thinking.

And of course there are bad attorneys so that confuses things too...

If your attorney recommended you not invest time and effort in cultivating a relationship with your child's father, and you ignore it, there's a chance the attorney will become less invested because they perceive that you are choosing to ignore their expertise. Not because you aren't a good person, but because your decisions may be based more on emotion than protecting yourself and your child legally from an unstable parent.

You mentioned you might get social services involved. Are you thinking about doing that now that he's become more difficult?