Intro + Bit of Unpacking

[Our abuse recovery guide]

Howdy y'all - hope everyone's doing well!

Reaching out for an introduction, bit of support, and backstop - TW: mentions of abuse, gaslighting etc.

M, mid 30s and unpacking a lot - recently exited a relationship with a partner wbpd traits (who also had a sibling that was severely mentally ill), as well as a very nasty situation in a workplace - this lead to re-examining my past, why my tolerance for mistreatment is so high, and ability to overlook, justify, or deny mistreatment allowed these things to happen.

Been in therapy for roughly 10 years, working through a lot, and on paper - never better, but through regular discussions and digging deep, I realize I have CPTSD from a history of bullying, relational trauma, and family trauma. This has lead to some serious issues with building healthy relationships, as those who were my models for love, care, and support were highly, highly disordered.

This has also caused a refocusing on past relationships with family members, specifically a mother who had bpd traits (control issues, emotional steamrolling, hypersensitivity, lying, manipulation, and at the same time - wildly, to a martyr level self-sacrifice), and my older brother - who I'm finding out *WAS* diagnosed at an early age but my parents did not disclose this to me (I do remember family counseling, him taking mood stabilizers for something at a YOUNG age, but my parents consistently ignored my questions about it).

Despite claiming to be my "protector" and in a position of authority my entire life - he was a fragile, cruel, and unstable person who constantly obsessed about "the darkness" in them, took out their insecurities on me, and my parents dismissed their abuse as "sibling rivalry" or just what boys do.

He was conniving, manipulative, overly sensitive, and physically intimidating - which he used regularly to shut down arguments. Silence me, threat me, and secure as much as possible for himself. This evolved and became worse as substances and their addiction became worse and worse - they have been on and off medication their entire life, claim nothing works, that they are "broken" and lying to themselves.

It has been the most confusing, stressful, painful, and traumatizing relationship of my life, and my parents have tried to moralize and rationalize away his abuse, everyone continues to walk on egg shells, and in an effort to maintain stability, just placate his emotions out of fear, danger, and their own need for safety.

Its been like this my entire life - and I've wondered *what specifically* it is but my parents sort of shrugged and called it "his demon" - rather than approach this as a legitimate medical concern, requiring treatment, and while also allowing boundaries. He's stolen from me, lied to me, blown up on me, wrecked cars, lost jobs, stolen drugs from friends, refuses treatment and support, and it has been a cycle of fires, one after another, for many year - to the point of being mentally all-consuming. Despite all of this, he mopes, lies to cover his abuse and addiction, plays games, spreads misinformation, and builds his fragile self-esteem by destroying others, attempting to evoke sympathy, and pretends to be altruistic, compassionate, and supportive, but it's highly, highly transactional.

My parents placed me in the implicit role of teacher and caretaker, and unfortunately, the root of my own issues are enmeshment trauma, witnessing my brother's disturbing behavior, it's consequences (ex. car crashes, threats of home foreclosure, overdoses, self-harm, financial fallout, emotional fallout, gaslighting manipulation, threats with knives, and emotional / psychological abuse etc.). This also prevented me from getting out due to constant financial strain, them needing to be bailed out, and my parents mounting financial trouble - I couldn't save enough to move out.

With my mother - it was largely the normalization of her emotional issues, enabling her irrational behavior, demands for emotional and psychological congruity, control issues, projections of anxiety, and inability to manage conflict. She also is UNABLE to take accountability and responsibility for her behavior, her enotions, and her mental issues.

Between the two of them - there is an almost constant and unending triangulation about nearly everything - and because both of them are highly disturbed, it makes locating reality within the situation extremely hard, and my father has pretended it was "just the way they are". They lie, they are constantly abusing each other, and cycle back and forth between screaming at each other, and talking lovingly in baby voices at each other. It's disturbing, scary, and horrifying to realize that this was "normal" for me.

After my brothers most recent stint in IOP, job loss, relapse, and car crash (which he almost died again, was lucky to not face too much economic ramifications for because he's broke, and so are my parents but they bailed him out) - in short, my CPTSD is highly related to his cycle of addiction, abuse, and instability - alongside his demands, abuse, hurtful behavior, and my family's needs. As a result, I learned to fawn, people please, minimize my own needs, emotional experience, and tolerate this steamrolling just to avoid all the emotional fallout from standing up for myself - oddly enough, the reason I was bullied so much and they constantly asked me "why I had so much trouble standing up for myself". It was always my fault.

Granted, I was a little kid - I fought, I teased, joked, and was a jerk at times - but I'd changed a lot, they just refuse to see that or take account of it. They'd rather still see me as a contrarian, the problem-child, and someone who starts fights - both my brother and mother pick at me, bait me, and joke on me to get me to react, then when I do, I'm the disturbed one - too sensitive, can't take a joke, or have "emotional problems".

I also, just recently found out from my father that my brother was diagnosed with a personality disorder from a young age - but this was hidden from me and not spoken about by my mother and father - who instead preferred to talk about it as "his demon".

Moreover, I'm horrified by this - and feel a huge hit to trust with them, because they've had answers I was looking for my whole life, and just kept them from me.

Even worse, as I was growing up - as my brother and my mother, brother, and family, would often chastize me for "being the trouble-maker", when I stood up for myself or my point of view my mother kept trying to label me as "thinking only in black and white", when I got mad that "my eyes were so scary and empty'", and whenever I told her that her anxiety is being projected over everyone in the house (during a melt down from her, or when we pushed back on what she wanted), that I was *making* her anxious, that she was fine, and it was all my problem. When these fights ended, she would demand an apology, claim she was sorry  and want a resolution at that moment in time, immediately, and without regard for how we feel.

In short, she, word for word, uses the symptoms of BPD she experiences, and attempts to project them on to me - challenges my psychology,

My brother acted the same way - gaslighting me when he stole from me, lied to me, lied to other people, and has told everyone that I'm the one that is disturbed, competitive and narcissistic - despite them trying to break down my confidence, demanding my help, DARVOs when I mention I'm being hurt, and demanding my time, love, attention, and affection. He sees nothing I've done for him, and it doesn't count for anything.

The relationship is gut-wrenching, and my parents keep trying to push me closer and closer to him, and make me be the "favorite person" in his relationship, teach him how to care for himself, and never ask this explicitly, so they can deny its what they want me to do.

I love my family - but this has had a profound impact on my development, after landing in abusive work and romantic relationship, not trusting these people were hurting me, or mistreating me, and partially because I've had folks discounting my perspective, my opinions, my feelings, and my needs my entire life, largely for conditional love. It's made me a human magnet for exploitative people, and while I'm learning to love myself more and more everyday, it's extremely hard to forgive them for all this, particularly as I'm coming to terms with what this is.

I feel like both of them have been trying to make me as insecure, scared, unstable, and as disordered as they are for their own security - I'm also deeply confused and scared I have BPD from being around this so much, but my therapist has assured me she doesn't think so, and that the CPTSD route is much more fitting.

I've realized I can't save them - and have started decreasing contact, but have been called selfish for doing so. My relationship with my sister, and my father, which I would consider the most normal, has taken a serious hit - my extended family seems to think this has to do with me, and I have alienated a few people by complaining about it too much.

Mainly, if you got this far - thank you for reading and providing a space for those dealing with these issues. This whole experience is heartbreaking, and shaking up the foundations of my life - what's even more destabilizing is that my family just wants to muddle on as they have, since all of this is so normalized. My mother refuses to get help and has for years despite my insistence, my brother does - but only 15m appointments once a month to get medication (which is often unbalanced, and used as a justification to cover up when he's abusing substances again).

Thanks again, looking forward to connecting with some fellow souls, stay strong - and solidarity comrades.

[NorthCoastBass80]

Howdy y'all - hope everyone's doing well!

Reaching out for an introduction, bit of support, and backstop - TW: mentions of abuse, gaslighting etc.

M, mid 30s and unpacking a lot - recently exited a relationship with a partner wbpd traits (who also had a sibling that was severely mentally ill), as well as a very nasty situation in a workplace - this lead to re-examining my past, why my tolerance for mistreatment is so high, and ability to overlook, justify, or deny mistreatment allowed these things to happen.

Been in therapy for roughly 10 years, working through a lot, and on paper - never better, but through regular discussions and digging deep, I realize I have CPTSD from a history of bullying, relational trauma, and family trauma. This has lead to some serious issues with building healthy relationships, as those who were my models for love, care, and support were highly, highly disordered.

This has also caused a refocusing on past relationships with family members, specifically a mother who had bpd traits (control issues, emotional steamrolling, hypersensitivity, lying, manipulation, and at the same time - wildly, to a martyr level self-sacrifice), and my older brother - who I'm finding out *WAS* diagnosed at an early age but my parents did not disclose this to me (I do remember family counseling, him taking mood stabilizers for something at a YOUNG age, but my parents consistently ignored my questions about it).

Despite claiming to be my "protector" and in a position of authority my entire life - he was a fragile, cruel, and unstable person who constantly obsessed about "the darkness" in them, took out their insecurities on me, and my parents dismissed their abuse as "sibling rivalry" or just what boys do.

He was conniving, manipulative, overly sensitive, and physically intimidating - which he used regularly to shut down arguments. Silence me, threat me, and secure as much as possible for himself. This evolved and became worse as substances and their addiction became worse and worse - they have been on and off medication their entire life, claim nothing works, that they are "broken" and lying to themselves.

It has been the most confusing, stressful, painful, and traumatizing relationship of my life, and my parents have tried to moralize and rationalize away his abuse, everyone continues to walk on egg shells, and in an effort to maintain stability, just placate his emotions out of fear, danger, and their own need for safety.

Its been like this my entire life - and I've wondered *what specifically* it is but my parents sort of shrugged and called it "his demon" - rather than approach this as a legitimate medical concern, requiring treatment, and while also allowing boundaries. He's stolen from me, lied to me, blown up on me, wrecked cars, lost jobs, stolen drugs from friends, refuses treatment and support, and it has been a cycle of fires, one after another, for many year - to the point of being mentally all-consuming. Despite all of this, he mopes, lies to cover his abuse and addiction, plays games, spreads misinformation, and builds his fragile self-esteem by destroying others, attempting to evoke sympathy, and pretends to be altruistic, compassionate, and supportive, but it's highly, highly transactional.

My parents placed me in the implicit role of teacher and caretaker, and unfortunately, the root of my own issues are enmeshment trauma, witnessing my brother's disturbing behavior, it's consequences (ex. car crashes, threats of home foreclosure, overdoses, self-harm, financial fallout, emotional fallout, gaslighting manipulation, threats with knives, and emotional / psychological abuse etc.). This also prevented me from getting out due to constant financial strain, them needing to be bailed out, and my parents mounting financial trouble - I couldn't save enough to move out.

With my mother - it was largely the normalization of her emotional issues, enabling her irrational behavior, demands for emotional and psychological congruity, control issues, projections of anxiety, and inability to manage conflict. She also is UNABLE to take accountability and responsibility for her behavior, her enotions, and her mental issues.

Between the two of them - there is an almost constant and unending triangulation about nearly everything - and because both of them are highly disturbed, it makes locating reality within the situation extremely hard, and my father has pretended it was "just the way they are". They lie, they are constantly abusing each other, and cycle back and forth between screaming at each other, and talking lovingly in baby voices at each other. It's disturbing, scary, and horrifying to realize that this was "normal" for me.

After my brothers most recent stint in IOP, job loss, relapse, and car crash (which he almost died again, was lucky to not face too much economic ramifications for because he's broke, and so are my parents but they bailed him out) - in short, my CPTSD is highly related to his cycle of addiction, abuse, and instability - alongside his demands, abuse, hurtful behavior, and my family's needs. As a result, I learned to fawn, people please, minimize my own needs, emotional experience, and tolerate this steamrolling just to avoid all the emotional fallout from standing up for myself - oddly enough, the reason I was bullied so much and they constantly asked me "why I had so much trouble standing up for myself". It was always my fault.

Granted, I was a little kid - I fought, I teased, joked, and was a jerk at times - but I'd changed a lot, they just refuse to see that or take account of it. They'd rather still see me as a contrarian, the problem-child, and someone who starts fights - both my brother and mother pick at me, bait me, and joke on me to get me to react, then when I do, I'm the disturbed one - too sensitive, can't take a joke, or have "emotional problems".

I also, just recently found out from my father that my brother was diagnosed with a personality disorder from a young age - but this was hidden from me and not spoken about by my mother and father - who instead preferred to talk about it as "his demon".

Moreover, I'm horrified by this - and feel a huge hit to trust with them, because they've had answers I was looking for my whole life, and just kept them from me.

Even worse, as I was growing up - as my brother and my mother, brother, and family, would often chastize me for "being the trouble-maker", when I stood up for myself or my point of view my mother kept trying to label me as "thinking only in black and white", when I got mad that "my eyes were so scary and empty'", and whenever I told her that her anxiety is being projected over everyone in the house (during a melt down from her, or when we pushed back on what she wanted), that I was *making* her anxious, that she was fine, and it was all my problem. When these fights ended, she would demand an apology, claim she was sorry  and want a resolution at that moment in time, immediately, and without regard for how we feel.

In short, she, word for word, uses the symptoms of BPD she experiences, and attempts to project them on to me - challenges my psychology,

My brother acted the same way - gaslighting me when he stole from me, lied to me, lied to other people, and has told everyone that I'm the one that is disturbed, competitive and narcissistic - despite them trying to break down my confidence, demanding my help, DARVOs when I mention I'm being hurt, and demanding my time, love, attention, and affection. He sees nothing I've done for him, and it doesn't count for anything.

The relationship is gut-wrenching, and my parents keep trying to push me closer and closer to him, and make me be the "favorite person" in his relationship, teach him how to care for himself, and never ask this explicitly, so they can deny its what they want me to do.

I love my family - but this has had a profound impact on my development, after landing in abusive work and romantic relationship, not trusting these people were hurting me, or mistreating me, and partially because I've had folks discounting my perspective, my opinions, my feelings, and my needs my entire life, largely for conditional love. It's made me a human magnet for exploitative people, and while I'm learning to love myself more and more everyday, it's extremely hard to forgive them for all this, particularly as I'm coming to terms with what this is.

I feel like both of them have been trying to make me as insecure, scared, unstable, and as disordered as they are for their own security - I'm also deeply confused and scared I have BPD from being around this so much, but my therapist has assured me she doesn't think so, and that the CPTSD route is much more fitting.

I've realized I can't save them - and have started decreasing contact, but have been called selfish for doing so. My relationship with my sister, and my father, which I would consider the most normal, has taken a serious hit - my extended family seems to think this has to do with me, and I have alienated a few people by complaining about it too much.

Mainly, if you got this far - thank you for reading and providing a space for those dealing with these issues. This whole experience is heartbreaking, and shaking up the foundations of my life - what's even more destabilizing is that my family just wants to muddle on as they have, since all of this is so normalized. My mother refuses to get help and has for years despite my insistence, my brother does - but only 15m appointments once a month to get medication (which is often unbalanced, and used as a justification to cover up when he's abusing substances again).

Thanks again, looking forward to connecting with some fellow souls, stay strong - and solidarity comrades.

[kells76]

Hi NorthCoastBass80 and a warm

Really glad you landed here and felt ready to share your story. This is a good place to do exactly what you're doing -- lay it all out there and process with others who truly get it.

I'm saddened for you that your parents continue to parentify you in regards to your relationship with your brother. They're the parents, you're the children -- yet they keep pushing you to parent your brother. It shouldn't be that way, but in disordered family systems, that's more a rule than an exception. I'm glad for you that you're an adult with a supportive therapist and you're building the strength to prioritize yourself and to decline to participate in dysfunctional demands.

It does seem common that many families do want to "keep going like before" because it is destabilizing to try to repair and heal family systems. It's more comfortable -- there's more inertia -- in not healing.

Again, it's good that you're an adult now, and can choose a healing path for yourself, no matter who else in your family chooses to heal or not. But there's grief there, and loss, and it's difficult.

Are there any members in your extended family who are starting to realize the truth about your family yet?

And how are you doing with handling others accusing you of being selfish, for decreasing contact with your family?

Hard stuff for sure. We'll be here for you;

kells76