Is this a thing?

[MsMisunderstood]

Our adult child, we have come to learn, has been diagnosed with BPD and been recommended to DBT- but has not as yet (its been 4 years) volunteered this information to us, their parents. We learned only several weeks ago.

Complicating the situation is that they have estranged themselves and our grandchildren for the past over three years and are just now showing first signs of interest in reconciliation.

At some point in time they apparently shared narrative leading to the suggestion that they read SILENTLY SEDUCED. NOW Our kidult is “all in” on the idea that the unfortunate choices they have made in their life are in MOST part someone else’s fault. Mine. Because the book presents a salient argument against parents turning their children into their covert sexual partners. I agree with the author. However, our adult child’s difficulties,  stem, it is our discernment, from their hair trigger, whimsical, furious, snap judgement, impetuosity, and need to feel as though they has successfully punished. I so doing they have made some extremely dramatic and unalterable choices, and personal changes…and now that “the chickens have come home to roost”, they’re running out of support, understanding, and others’ patience. They do not want to feel the weight of responsibility. So. Its my fault.


The difficulties mentioned above though…who has some insight on how these and like tendencies might fit the BPD profile?

Thank you so much

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[CC43]

Dear parent,

In a word, YES. The blame game isn’t just a thing, it’s a prominent feature of BPD. If you take a look at posts on these boards, especially the section for kidults with BPD, blaming parents is a recurring theme.

Playing the victim is a coping strategy. They are hypersensitive and impulsive.  They lash out in out-of-control anger. Their brains will twist facts into fanciful stories of abuse and make outrageous accusations to justify their poor behavior. Oftentimes their accusations are projections of their own poor behavior. So if they accuse you of narcissism, controlling behavior, being cruel, stirring up drama, being disrespectful, etc., they are describing themselves, not you. They are basically claiming that YOU made them do horrible things, that it’s YOUR FAULT. This absolves them of any responsibility, while at the same time punishing you in the process.

They cling to victimhood status like their life depends on it. Their life might very well depend on it. They basically play the role of poor-little-abused-child and win an Oscar for it. They rewrite ancient history and will stay stuck in this rut. They will tell others how horrible you were to get attention and escape blame for their own choices. They are also trying to get « reparations » for your purported abuse. They are so persistent and convincing, some parents begin to wonder if their stories are true. Maybe the feelings are true, but the facts and the underlying causes aren’t.

I said earlier this is a coping strategy. They blame others because admitting guilt or taking responsibility is too painful for them. The problem is that they can get stuck living in the past. In effect they remain emotional toddlers. In a way, they are emotional toddlers in an adult’s body, facing adult-sized challenges and responsibilities. They just don’t have the necessary skills, such as distress tolerance, patience, anger management or problem solving skills. That’s where DBT therapy can help.

[js friend]

Hi Msmisunderstood,

Just adding to CC43 has said.....Pwbpd also have such shifting identities that something like reading a book  can change their views on the world. They can take on the views and identities quite easily. My udd loved a very popular series of books when she was a teen and began to dress like the main character.  She  also loved playing the victim and being rescued over and over again. When I caught onto this I suddenly became the enemy and was henceforth  blamed for everything even if I was literally miles away or I hadnt interacted with her for days. It is just too painful for them to look inwardly so they blame others.....parents, teachers, friends, colleagues,partners....it doesnt matter. I say I "was" blamed  because  we are no longer  in contact, so the blame game has run its course with me, but I do often wonder who she blames now.

[Sancho]

Hi Msmisunderstood
All the things you mention fit the BPD profile. It is such a complex condition. I find it useful to think of the hint that is in the name - borderline. The individual is often on the 'border' of reality and psychosis. So my dd is convinced of things that have happened/been said etc and I know that they are not. But to her they are very real.

The 'target of blame' is another aspect. The BPD person's concept of self is so poor that anything that goes wrong has to be blamed on someone else - often the most supportive person in their life - because it is too painful to blame themselves. What we would see as just accepting responsibility for something - to them if they are to blame then their core identify is shaken.

Another intense aspect is the experience of abandonment. The BPD person is hypersensitive to anything that they interpret as negative towards them and this immediately triggers intense feelings of abandonment - think of when you felt most alone in the world and multiply that by 1000.

Then there is the 'fight/flight' response. All these intense feelings can result in either fight back - often verbal attack - or fleeing (not even able to have a brief discussion about something because it might trigger intense emotion).

Understanding helps a lot as does learning some skills to use. But it's a complex, difficult journey with a BPD loved one.