Problem that I have noticed with myself

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

Does anyone out there look for acceptance in alot of what they do? I dont remember being this way 13 years ago, before my dysfunctionship. I am constantly seeking someones approval in almost every aspect of my life.

For example, I am renovating my house, and I am at the point of paint selection. I have asked alot of people for advise and when I do pick a color, I ask all my friends if this color is going to be ok.

I went out with some friends last night, and it hit me like a rock. I didnt feel comfortable with my decision to go out because noone told me it was ok. I sometimes feel like a kid, wanting moms approval before I do anything. Does anyone understand this behavior, or can anyone relate?

[PDQuick]

Does anyone out there look for acceptance in alot of what they do? I dont remember being this way 13 years ago, before my dysfunctionship. I am constantly seeking someones approval in almost every aspect of my life.

For example, I am renovating my house, and I am at the point of paint selection. I have asked alot of people for advise and when I do pick a color, I ask all my friends if this color is going to be ok.

I went out with some friends last night, and it hit me like a rock. I didnt feel comfortable with my decision to go out because noone told me it was ok. I sometimes feel like a kid, wanting moms approval before I do anything. Does anyone understand this behavior, or can anyone relate?

[Peace4us]

hey PDQ

I understand completely what you are saying.  But this is not just an after effect of BPD relationships.  This is actually some of human nature. We all seek validation.  We all go to work and expect a paycheck, a sense of value for our efforts.  We enter relationships to seek acceptance and to share acceptance.

Wanting to belong, wanting to be accepted for who we are and what we are is prefectly normal.  If we focus too much on that requirement or alter who we are in order to get that validation is when we need to do a self check and work on our own sense of esteem.

I like the fact that when I am doing something I get positive feedback, like roads signs along the way that that I am on the right track.

In regards to decorating and paint colours that is a whole new kettle of fish.  I have my degree in interior design and I can tell you, you are not alone in requesting opinions on paint colour.  I used to tell my clients, invest in a small can of the colour and spread some on the wall.  Look at it again and again under all conditions, light and time of day.  If YOU like it go for it.  Its your place and thats the one person you are creating it for, the hell with anyone else. Be proud and take on the "I am worth it and if you can;t see that then the heck with you" attitude.

Remember we can't ask anyone else to give us anything we arn't willing to or giving to ourselves. Teach others how to treat you, by treating yourself that way.

Besides I know I want you here at bpdfamily.com so there

Peace4us

[thomaso61]

Besides I know I want you here at bpdfamily.com so there

oo...interior decorating are you PDQ? I knew you'd come around.

Sure you don't want that kiss yet bigboy? I put my cop uniform on just for you.  :Fact:

OK..ok...I'm stereotyping.

Seriously, I'm glad your here too!

Tom

[PDQuick]

Thomas, Are there some issues we need to work on? . I am glad you are here too. Yes, I am trying some interior design, just not having a whole lot of luck at it right now. I wish I was like Jack on Will and Grace at times, he seems so happy with everything! Plus he could design and color coordinate!

[Silas Pseudonym]

Hi PDQ,

When I took one of those intensive "personal enrichment seminars" there was a discussion about why we should not need validation.  (Most of us thinking we could use all we could get.)  It was one of the (many) things that did not sink in.  It is nice that you are noticing it & yes I believe you should work at being confident in the choices you make.  Please tell us about anything that helps with making progress because it ties into so many aspects of our lives.

Now to the paint colors...have a look in your closet, first an overall glance at the predominant colors & hues.  That is what you love.  Dark or light?  Sometimes dark can be nice, even in a small room, it can give a cozy feeling.  In your current state of mind, be careful not to make it too depressing.  If you do go dark, the room should have abundant natural light...I had good luck finding a color then using different hues from the same chip.  One friend used what one would think of as a hideous olive green.  It worked great, turned an ordinary little low ceilinged living room into an art gallery (then you need the art though...)  You know Martha is coming out with a new line at Lowe's...

Silas

[Peace4us]

Good suggestions Silas

Besides PDQ its paint.  If you get it up and hate it, you just paint it again. Sort of like a date, if she eats with her mouth open, has nothing interesting to say and speaks like a trucker, just say "NEXT"   

PDQ you are Ok buddy, you are ok.

Peace4us

[Theireyeswerewatching]

Hi,

Be sure the abusive BPD is not making you use introspection (blame yourself) as oppose to seeing their abusive conduct for what it is. The BPD stalking me has been able to turn his stalking, slander, and abuse all around on me and deflect from his abuse and stalking.

Borderlines are master manipulators, getting you to doubt yourself is part of the manipulative abusive conduct.

Best wishes...

Does anyone out there look for acceptance in alot of what they do? I dont remember being this way 13 years ago, before my dysfunctionship. I am constantly seeking someones approval in almost every aspect of my life.

For example, I am renovating my house, and I am at the point of paint selection. I have asked alot of people for advise and when I do pick a color, I ask all my friends if this color is going to be ok.

I went out with some friends last night, and it hit me like a rock. I didnt feel comfortable with my decision to go out because noone told me it was ok. I sometimes feel like a kid, wanting moms approval before I do anything. Does anyone understand this behavior, or can anyone relate?

[LAPDR]

One good thing about paint, if you don't like the color you can cover it over next week again.

Here's a exercise my T had me do and I have done it several times. Pick a day with nothing to do, turn off the TV, stero, radio and take the phone off the hook. Lie down on the floor or couch, stare at the ceiling and just think about yourself. It's not easy, too easy to think of other things. Think about what you like about yourself, what you don't like, what you can do to change yourself. Think about what you would like to be doing a year down the road, what do you have to do to get there. I guess this is self meditation and you have to develop a discipline at to feel you have accomplished something for yourself. To do this several times for 8 hours can be trying but also refreshing in finding who you really are and if you are comfortable with yourself.