8.43 | Early signs of possible BPD traits in your children

[lbjnltx]

Young children lack the emotional vocabulary to express themselves.  Through validation we can help them and more importantly through observation we help them learn a vocabulary to express verbally rather than physically.

Here is a link to some info that may be helpful:

www.kidsactivities.about.com/od/LifeSkills/a/Activities-To-Increase-Emotional-Vocabulary.htm

[enlighten me]

Its hard to distinguish normal from abnormal behaviour in children as they are still learning. What I would concentrate on is any behaviour that children don't learn to change in a positive way.

My exgf daughter was extremely selfish, manipulative and lied a lot. In the time I was with my ex her daughters behaviour didn't improve she just got better at doing it. I must have seen her get told off dozens of times for being selfish but she kept on doing it. Where in the beginning it was open behaviour after a while it became more subtle and sneeky. She would pass the blame on her brother or hide what she had done.

It wouldn't surprise me if she ended up diagnosed with BPD when she gets older.

[Kwamina]

For the second time in a month, S5 has bitten another kid on the head at school.

... .

Given that as parents, the public school system will require us to do something, we both signed papers for him to see the school counselor. We'll see how it goes. Not sure what this means yet, if anything.

How is your son doing now Turkish?

Are you concerned his biting might be an early sign of possible BPD traits?

He is still very young so this could also be an expression of something else. A lot has happened in his life this year, the unfortunate situation with his sister, adjusting to life with his stepdad, the new school and also his mother's sometimes still difficult behavior. Perhaps he's finding it hard dealing with all these (new) elements in his life and hasn't yet found a more constructive way of expressing this.

[Turkish]

For the second time in a month, S5 has bitten another kid on the head at school.

... .

Given that as parents, the public school system will require us to do something, we both signed papers for him to see the school counselor. We'll see how it goes. Not sure what this means yet, if anything.

How is your son doing now Turkish?

Are you concerned his biting might be an early sign of possible BPD traits?

He is still very young so this could also be an expression of something else. A lot has happened in his life this year, the unfortunate situation with his sister, adjusting to life with his stepdad, the new school and also his mother's sometimes still difficult behavior. Perhaps he's finding it hard dealing with all these (new) elements in his life and hasn't yet found a more constructive way of expressing this.

His new thing if he doesn't like something I tell him is, "I don't love you! I love Mommy, and I lve D3!" I resond, "its ok if you don't lve me, buddy, but you're still not doing xyz." The short validation seems to shorten his outbursts. The counselor at school.has been seeing him. No feedback from that yet. He's in a class with some difficult kids. 5/25 are seeing the school counselor. The teacher said that he's a sweet boy, and the two incidents surpised her. I've continued to tell his mom that he needs more validation than his sister. That, and consistent boundaries. He can mirror her anxiety and anger, or other emotions. Mine, too.

[PeacefulMom]

My 32-year old son was recently diagnosed.  He is gifted (IQ 141), very bright from early age - reading college level in 2nd grade.  He was very strong-willed from early on.  When I breastfed him, he turned purple if I didn't return from the store in time to feed him on an exact schedule.  He showed fear of abandonment very early, with a strong attachment to me.  He was very loving, probably spoiled as our only child, but father was abusive (some of this my son witnessed) and I moved away with my son when he was just 6. In teen years, he became very oppositional, putting more energy into pushing back than cooperating.  (Looking back, I feel certain he could have been diagnosed with Oppositional Defiant Disorder.)  He also started being verbally abusive to me, and lying, and broke his bedroom door.  He threatened suicide on many occasions, beginning in late teens.  No counseling was effective, as he was manipulative and could talk his way through anything.  He essentially stopped going to school for months in 7th grade, and later I found that he has been staying up at night putting together elaborate technical notebooks on Dungeons and Dragons (hidden in bedroom).  He was very shy socially, but had a few close friends.  He would get hurt easily when things didn't go as he hoped.

As of now, he is addicted to internet gaming, has not been able to keep any job for very long, and only takes a course when he is up to it.  Lots of physical harm to house when he is upset, verbal abuse, suicide threats.  Thank God he is now seeing someone and getting some medication and therapy.  I hope things improve as I love him dearly and he deserves so much more.

I hope this helps!

[Kwamina]

Hi PeacefulMom

Thanks for joining the discussion and sharing your insights. It definitely helps to read your story too.

Your son has clearly been exhibiting certain difficult behaviors for quite some time now. It's very sad that he also exhibits suicidal tendencies, that is very difficult to deal with hearing your own child make suicide threats. Unfortunately counseling didn't prove effective when he was younger.

You mention the psychical harm to the house, does he 'only' physically direct his anger at the house or also at other people? Do you feel physically safe around your son?

He is getting some medication and therapy now. What kind of therapy is he getting exactly?

What led up to your son getting diagnosed recently?

Take care

[PeacefulMom]

Thanks for your message, Kwamina!

My son can indeed be threatening, and has physically attacked me in the past.  After an especially difficult evening (following a series of difficult days/weeks), when my son wished I were dead and threatened to kill me, was forceful and yelled/spit in my face, he came in on his knees apologizing in the middle of the night and said that he knew he needed help.  I finally asked him if he would like me to make a call and arrange an appointment (he usually doesn't like this approach) - and he said yes!  I called the next morning and asked if he could come in to see the person he had seen only once as there was an urgent need, and he was able to go in that day.  She put him on "escitalopram," which seems to have calmed him down a bit.  She is also trying dialectical behavioral therapy with him, which seems to help.  (She said she is not an expert in this therapy, but is familiar with it and asked it he would like to try it with her.)

My son now spends way too much time on computer gaming, and I am struggling with how to deal with this.  He is very good at it, so gets some rewards from it that way.  He is not working, and has not registered for school for the coming semester.  (I decided not to get upset as long as he continues medication and therapy to get himself up and hopefully more centered - but he slept through his last appointment a few days ago and has not scheduled another yet.) 

Oh - just reading another post here, I wanted to add that my son was also a biter at age 4-5 when something would not go his way when playing with children his age (or he lost his temper).  He exhibited Jeckyl and Hyde tendencies early on with a very short fuse.  (His dad had a similar temperament and became physically and emotionally abusive, which is why I had to leave.  I now wish, of course, that I had left much earlier, so that my son would not have witnessed some of the abuse.)

Thank you so much for being here!

[Kwamina]

My son can indeed be threatening, and has physically attacked me in the past.  After an especially difficult evening (following a series of difficult days/weeks), when my son wished I were dead and threatened to kill me, was forceful and yelled/spit in my face, he came in on his knees apologizing in the middle of the night and said that he knew he needed help.  I finally asked him if he would like me to make a call and arrange an appointment (he usually doesn't like this approach) - and he said yes!  I called the next morning and asked if he could come in to see the person he had seen only once as there was an urgent need, and he was able to go in that day.  She put him on "escitalopram," which seems to have calmed him down a bit.  She is also trying dialectical behavioral therapy with him, which seems to help.  (She said she is not an expert in this therapy, but is familiar with it and asked it he would like to try it with her.)

This is quite scary and concerning behavior. I do find it encouraging that he apologized and said he needed help. It's a positive first step that his current medication and therapy seem to have led to some improvements.

I decided not to get upset as long as he continues medication and therapy to get himself up and hopefully more centered - but he slept through his last appointment a few days ago and has not scheduled another yet.

It's unfortunate that he slept through his last appointment and has not made a new one yet. Hopefully this is just an isolated incident and he will continue his therapy in the long run.