Just learned he has BPD when he sought treatment for sex addiction

[Black Raven]

This is my first post and I'm grateful to be able to reach out to others with similar experiences. I've been married for more than a quarter century to a high functioning, high earning professional, and we have one adult daughter.

For the first 10 years, I thought he was 'quirky.' He'd get obsessed about collecting certain things, but it was kind of fun. That said, I never felt that he had my back. His loyalty was clearly to his family of origin, even when they treated me terribly.

After our daughter was born we moved across the country, and he started his first job after training. I began to notice that he would be volatile sometimes, or as I used to say, 'he could drown in a teaspoon of water." I found out accidentally he was addicted to opioids, and after lying to me about working a 12 step program and being sober, there was an intervention at work and he went into an inpatient program. He seemed much better when he came out, but unknown to me, he apparently started having sex with women in his office. Eventually he relapsed on drugs again. Again, I didn't know anything about this. He was distant around the house, and emotionally unavailable, but he would tell the marriage counselors it was stress from work or fatigue from not sleeping. Ditto with his individual counselors. Eventually I got him to see a psychiatrist who thought he might be Bipolar and started him on an antidepressant. That seemed to help for a while, but he grew increasingly distant.

I should stop and say that he was a good father in that he seemed to support our daughter, even if he wasn't really hands-on, and there were times when he was supportive of me and he helped a lot around the house. My family adored him. (still do even with full knowledge of the situation.)  I felt  that we were compatible partners, but there wasn't much romance. Once in a while he would blow up, complain that I didn't treat him as an equal, but it wasn't very often and didn't seem to last. And as always, I attributed it to work, since he complained about work all the time. (Looking back I can see that the likes to play the victim. )

About a year ago, I learned he was having an affair, we separated and that's when I started to learn at least some of the story. He told me some half truths, but even at that it was apparent that he seemed to have transferred his addiction from drugs to sex, so he entered an inpatient program for sex addicts. While there, he recalled a childhood sexual assault and finally began to see how dysfunctional his parents are and how conditional their 'love' has always been.

The psychiatrist there diagnosed him as having BPD with narcissistic traits (also anxiety, depression and OCD.)  When I read up on BPD so much of it fit. I'm most of the way through "Walking on Eggshells" and he speaks openly now about his all or nothing thinking and his fear of abandonment. The thing is, he never lashed out the way it describes in the book. I can only assume that he internalized his resentment and used it to give himself permission to have his affairs.

We are still separated. He is working hard on his sobriety and starting in a DBT group soon and talks about wanting to reconcile once he's 'healthy' and 'finally learns who he is' since he now understands he has no sense of self.

I guess I'm posting for three reasons:
 1) to see if anyone else has had a similar experience and can offer support (and tell me if there's any hope or whether I should flee)

2) to ask what 'recovery' looks like if DBT is successful. I've read that it lessens the swings, but they never really go away. But I don't know what that means in terms of whether the individual can finally develop intimacy, can develop some empathy, can learn to control the impulse to act out.

3) Any experiences to share telling a 20 something year old that they have a parent with BPD?

Thanks

[CoherentMoose]

Welcome to the forum.  I hope you find it useful.  I know I have. 

I guess I'm posting for three reasons:
 1) to see if anyone else has had a similar experience and can offer support (and tell me if there's any hope or whether I should flee)

I believe there is always hope.  The journey can be long and very painful, but there is hope.  Especially if he is willing to honestly and effectively deal with his additions.  I have a nephew that attends AA every day...yes every day for the past two years.  He's now considering going back to school to become an addiction counselor.  I certainly hope he does as he would be a fantastic counselor. 

2) to ask what 'recovery' looks like if DBT is successful. I've read that it lessens the swings, but they never really go away. But I don't know what that means in terms of whether the individual can finally develop intimacy, can develop some empathy, can learn to control the impulse to act out.

I don't have any personal experience in this area, but search in here and there are links to stories of people who successfully used DBT and other therapies to help mitigate their BPD behaviors.  It's a mental illness, so it's a lifetime effort and the stories I've read include setbacks.  But some have lived good lives with the help of their partners. 

3) Any experiences to share telling a 20 something year old that they have a parent with BPD?

Suggest you ask them to read "Walking on Eggshells" and see if they have any questions. 

Good Luck, and God Bless.  CoMo

[B53]

BR
I am dealing with something relatively similar, but I don’t have as many years in, or children involved, so you have more invested than I do. I would love to have the answers to the questions you have asked. We have been apart three months. He has been in therapy and DBT. I have greed to give it another try, but I keep going back and forth as to if I have made the right decision. I have no proof that there has been a change and I will not know until we move forward and get back together. I got a response from a therapist for me, but nothing has been scheduled yet. I chose her because she has experience in mood disorders. My ex has given his permission to let the therapist that I choose talk with his therapist. I’m hoping that it will be helpful and I can learn what are reasonable or unreasonable expectations. You have more years and a daughter so it would be great to keep your family together if at all possible. If you feel that you have truly had enough and your heart isn’t into it then you might be better off to move on because it is guaranteed that there will be some setbacks. I’ll be happy with five steps forward to every one step back.
I’m sure there are people on here to give you advice about telling your daughter. I would think that it might be a relief to find out that her father has a personality disorder, then thinking that his behavior was a choice that he made. Not that he isn’t accountable, but BPD does often seem to be driving the bus.
I will continue to follow your post to see if the advice you get’ I can apply to my situation.
Best of luck.
B53