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Author Topic: I'm new to the BPD world and lost on how to navigate in it.  (Read 65 times)
Stupified
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Inlaw
Relationship status: Inlaw
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« on: March 17, 2024, 10:06:53 PM »

I have condensed this as much as I could...
A few years back my son eloped to a woman I has only met once. Nothing seemed "off" until I felt she did a 180 in personality the next time we talked. A couple years have gone by during which my son would always have me on speaker phone when he entered the house. She would monopolize the conversation until I was able to end the call. At one point, my son told me that I need to be carful with what I text, because she reads them all. Last year, they had a baby. I was to visit shortly after and I was given 20+ rules to follow. When I visited I abided by the rules and chalked, what I didn't agree with, up to new parent  nerves. During my out of state visit, I felt like I could do nothing right accept sit there and be quiet. I hated to leave my son and granddaughter, but I was relieved to eventually return home. Fast forward 6 month. My son is stationed out of the country for the next year. My daughter in law stayed behind with the baby. I showed my support by sending a text once a day, sometimes less. There was never an expectation to text back, nor did I text more than once. I have done this for both my boys for years. It was my way of showing love and support. After a month, I received a blistering message from her to stop. The message she sent was so strong that I felt blindsided and attacked. I tried to be graceful and empathic with my response even though I was still reeling, but she continued to attack and chastise me. I refrained from texting anyone (her or my two boys) for a week. Then, out of the blue, She stated I was "weaponizing" my ex-in laws (whom I am still very close to) and then came the ultimatum... She demands that I seek mental health provider before she resumes communication. Her closing was "There will be no response to this message".  Feeling completely lost, I contacted my ex-MIL to see if she could clarify what my daughter in law may have meant. She was just as confused as I was. Unbeknownst to my daughter in law, I had seen a counselor before she began demanding it. I feel her request is completely out of line and I have not told her that I have seen anyone yet. I went through the whole scenario with my counselor, who assured me I did nothing wrong. I didn't feel I had done wrong, but it was nice to receive validation. He did tell me to read up on BPD since that is his best guess of what he believes my daughter in law has. I read "Stop Walking on Eggshells", which had helped put things in perspective. My counselor told me to ask to see if I could facetime with my grand daughter for 2-5 minutes. She is 8 months old. I have not received any photos or videos in over a month. I asked for few minutes of face time to see my grand daughter and It seemed at first my daughter in law was willing to accommodate me, and then began accusing me of multiple things, and demanded again that I seek mental health. I'm guessing this is DARVO in action. I'm at a loss on how to proceed. I want to defend myself and set my boundaries, but I am not confident I can do that without it escalating even more. Speaking with my son is nearly impossible. She monitors his social media and reads all his texts. With the time difference, I can not speak to him unless he calls me.
How do I take part in my grand daughters life when she lives in a different state and my daughter in law is obstinate?
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Notwendy
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Parent
Posts: 10409



« Reply #1 on: March 18, 2024, 07:02:02 AM »

I am sorry you are dealing with this. I have an elderly widowed mother with BPD, so I understand how challenging this is. From what I have read- you are at a distance from your DIL and the baby and what you are seeking is contact long distance from the baby.

My BPD mother also read all emails to my father and listened in on our phone calls so yes, whatever you say to your son - assume your DIL sees and hears it too.

First, put the responsibility for choosing this relationship back to your son. He chose this woman and abides by her "rules". Why this is - is baffling- but my father did this too. While I had perceived my mother as the one with the "problem"- I also realize my father was a part of this agreement too. I am sure he was conflicted about staying vs leaving, especially if kids are involved.

Why this woman turned on you is probably not possible to figure out but these types of things are often "projections" of her own feelings. My best guess is that your son's deployment is stressful for your DIL. This long absence may also stress the marriage. Your son, on the other hand, is getting some distance from the situation. Read about Karpman triangle dynamics. You DIL may have put you in "persecutor" position. From what I have seen, pwBPD take on victim perspective.

If I were you, I would not reveal that you are seeing a counselor. That fact could be twisted by your DIL as "proof" you are the one with the problem. This is your own personal information.

Unfortunately, there is little you can do to get your DIL to allow contact with your GD. My BPD mother has a need to be in control. If she knows I am attached to something that she "has"- this is what she controls. Understandable that this is difficult. One thought is to take a long term perspective. For a pwBPD, emotions can change. There has been a change in your son's marriage with him being away for a long time.

If your DIL is like my mother, pushing her for what you want- time with your GD is likely to result in her staying her ground more. What she is doing is irrational but feelings aren't rational.

Boundaries are not something to put on someone else. Boundaries are how you respond to when someone violates yours. Also, don't verbally defend yourself- it becomes a circular argument. If your DIL feels like a victim, to her, this is true. She may accuse you of something but that doesn't make it true. One idea is to respond politely but without emotions to her texts. Respond politely if she texts you but don't text her otherwise. If she sends a nasty text- ignore that one or reply with something neutral. Don't add emotional fuel to the drama.


Keep on with your own life, texting your children as usual. Keep seeing your counselor for support.
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HappyChappy
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Parent
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« Reply #2 on: March 18, 2024, 09:52:08 AM »

.... she did a 180 in personality the next time we talked.
...
.... She would monopolize the conversation until I was able to end the call. At one point, my son told me that I need to be carful with what I text, because she reads them all.
This suggests she needs total control, for some reason. There are many reasons for this, not just BPD. So ignore the label, address the symptoms. Why does she need such control ? What has spooked her ?
... I'm guessing this is DARVO in action. I'm at a loss on how to proceed.
It does sound like D.A.R.V.O., so J.A.D.E. is often a good defence. I.e. don't Justify,  Argue, Defend or Exploin.

I hope that helps, if not, I’m sure others on here will offer up alternatives. We’re all different so  "Different strokes for Different folks" and all that.  Virtual hug (click to insert in post)
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Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go. Wilde.
HappyChappy
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Parent
Posts: 1603



« Reply #3 on: March 19, 2024, 01:41:04 AM »

PS: After reflecting …

…. My son is stationed out of the country for the next year. My daughter in law stayed behind with the baby. I showed my support by sending a text once a day …. I have done this for both my boys for years. It was my way of showing love and support.

That would be my way to show love too, but it’s not everyone’s. You may (or may not) want to google 7 ways to show love without words.
Ironically, we all just communicate using American English on here, so it does encourage us to “read too much into” the written word. Maybe your DIL is doing that too ? “Paranoid Android” ?

But if you prefer American movies, as I do, then maybe things have just got “Lost in Translation” or someone is stuck in “Ground Hog day” ? Who knows, but don’t beat yourself up trying to guess. That’s what your DIL might be doing, currently. We've all done it, it's human.

“A rose by any other name would smell as sweet" meaning, people fight silly wars over things lost in translation. West Side Story stole that idea from Shakespeare and put it into a music in a Modern day setting. But if you tell me I'm wrong - that's fine by me. But probably not your DIL, currently.

The most important thing (to me) is that you and your DIL both can reach out to someone.  But I'm not going to lie, I don't like musicals even though some people think I'm gay (I'm not, but there's no shame in being gay, imo). But do reach out on here, the Mods are trained in providing advice, I'm not I'm better at dealing with A&E cases With affection (click to insert in post)
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Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go. Wilde.
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