How to fix things with my uBPD mother?

[joeydoe]

Tough I (41) am not certain, I suspect my mother (71) has BPD after doing extensive research on her behavioral traits and finally landing here... now to the event that brought me here

My girlfriend (31) is 9 months pregnant with our first child and my mother came to stay with us 3 weeks ago. Things were going fine until she came back home one afternoon and asked me were my girlfriend was. I told her she was out to meet up with a (male) friend. She immediately told me "Well then you should also go out and meet with a (female) friend". I asked her why she would say that, that her out of the blue distrust in my gf, was completely out of line (I was actually invited to go out with them but I declined because he is an old school friend and I wanted them to be able to talk about things without having to consider me being there, but I didnt mention this to my mother). To which she told me that my gf probably just made an excuse to go out to avoid her. I told her that that didn't make any sense, to which she replied it was because my gf had been completely heart less and disrespectfull with her the day before. I was there, the disrespectful event, was my gf kindly asking my mom to please avoid scratching our pan with a fork. So in disbelief I told her my gf had actually asked her very nicely and respectfully to respect our things, but with that she just blew a fuse, she told me my gf didnt love me, didnt respect her, and only was with me for my money. To which I responded with asking her to please leave our house immediately.

She left the next morning leaving an 'apology' letter which basically said "Sorry for being annoying, wish you the best for your upcoming childbirth". I wrote her a message telling her that I couldn't accept her apology, that I didn't ask her to leave because she had been 'annoying', but because she had insulted my gf for no real reason and hurt me by doing so. But that I hoped we could talk about what happened so she could meet her grandson, but that I need her to respect and apologize with his mother to be able to allow that'.

She answered she was also very hurt by the things I said, but that she would try to consider what happened. Three weeks have passed since then, every day she asks how the baby is doing (who should be born any minute now) and tells me about her day and send me pictures of the places she is as if nothing happened. I have only responded distantly telling her the baby is fine, itching to demand a real apology every time but refraining to do so.

Am I delusional to think we can work this out? I do think she has BPD but I also see she has made huge amounts of progress in the last 20 years (Stopped drinking 20 years ago, actually has had a stable partner for the last 25 years) which makes me think she might be capable to talk about this like adults. But I really don't want this to be a conversation were she is the victim and we have to apologize. From what I've read, demanding an apology wont work if she has BPD. What can I do to encourage a real conversation (hopefully including an apology to my gf)?

On a side note, I've read a lot about splitting and in my mothers case it takes on a very particular form. I can't do anything wrong, am the perfect son (To the point it becomes frustrating and simply not true, we all have our issues). Never have I experienced the devaluation part of the splitting to be directed at me, only the idealization part. The devaluation part is only directed at people close to me and for the most insane reasons (My business partner is not to trust and a bad person because he once ate a chocolate bar in front of her and didn't ask her if she wanted some, is my prime example for this. Every single one of my romantic relationships have unfortunatelly felt this to). I have not yet read of someone else experiencing this form of splitting, so if anyone can confirm this has happened to them I would be grateful.

Thank you, feel much better just by writting this, it has been eating me up and I really hope my son can meet his grandmother soon.

[zachira]

You are doing a great job of setting boundaries with your mother that will help to  protect you, your girlfriend, and your child from your mother's disordered behaviors. Boundaries are for your chosen family's well being and safety. Your boundaries will not likely change the behaviors of a disordered person who constantly pushes back on boundaries and who will not apologize for violating boundaries, instead will act like they never did anything wrong no matter how much you insist on a sincere apology and changes in behaviors to repair the relationship.

My mother with BPD who is deceased never gave up on destroying my two brothers' relationships with their girlfriends. Neither one married or had any children. My mother had terrible things to say about any woman my brothers dated. My mother would often go into a rage saying terrible things about one of my brother's former girlfriends until the day my mother passed away even though my brother and former girlfriend had both been deceased for many years.

There are many members on PSI who have similar experiences to yours. We are here to listen, support you, and learn from your experiences.

[Notwendy]

She left the next morning leaving an 'apology' letter which basically said "Sorry for being annoying, wish you the best for your upcoming childbirth". I wrote her a message telling her that I couldn't accept her apology, that I didn't ask her to leave because she had been 'annoying', but because she had insulted my gf for no real reason and hurt me by doing so. But that I hoped we could talk about what happened so she could meet her grandson, but that I need her to respect and apologize with his mother to be able to allow that'.

She answered she was also very hurt by the things I said, but that she would try to consider what happened. Three weeks have passed since then, every day she asks how the baby is doing (who should be born any minute now) and tells me about her day and send me pictures of the places she is as if nothing happened. I have only responded distantly telling her the baby is fine, itching to demand a real apology every time but refraining to do so.

That is the apology. It's not a satisfactory apology but the "acting as if nothing happened" - I call it the "dry erase board apology"- is the kind of behavior my BPD mother does too. A true apology would require being accountable for her behavior which isn't something my mother tends to do.

What happened with your mother and GF was more about your mother than your GF- it was triangulation. Your mother is sensing a change- your devotion to the GF and the new baby- is a normal developmental step for you, to shift your affections towards a partner and family. It's a wonderful thing but also possibly to someone with BPD a sign that there's less attention to them. My BPD mother seems to be more critical of the females in my father's family. I know that doesn't make logical sense as we can both love parents and a spouse but it seems to be a common situation.

The bottom line though is that your mother was out of line. You are a grown man, about to be a father, and this is your home.  However, your mother also may have a disorder and is not likely to change. You and your GF are going to have to decide how to navigate a relatioship with her. Your GF also has a say in this- this is her home and her child too. I think it would help her if she learned about BPD- not because it's her responsibility but to help her understand that if BPD mother says something offensive- it's more likely disordered thinking on the part of your mother. Your GF doesn't have to tolerate it- but it may help her to not take your mother's comments personally.

You and your GF will need to come up with some boundaries about your relationship with your mother. I'd base it on her behavior- not if she comes up with a satisfactory apology. The boundary could be "I don't wish to talk about my GF behind her back" and so you don't engage if she tries that.