answer honestly

[unknown]

ok, so who actually enjoyed there relationship with there BPD? were you actually happy?

i know there were happy moments, but i was pretty much misrable for the majority of the relationship. id say i was about 25% happy.   and then once i actually did start to really enjoy it, she broke up with me.

[theridler]

Woah, that's actually a very complex question.  I wasn't actually happy, but I put a lot of effort into convincing myself I was happy because I felt an obligation to remain in the relationship.  Or something... .  Hmmm... .

[Desert]

The relationship pretty much destroyed me.  In the space of a few months I went from being a confident, poised professional to a walking basket case who broke into tears randomly in the middle of sentences.

If I hadn't already quit my job at that point, I suspect I would have been fired.

Good times?  Maybe 20% - 25%, as you said ... .but it was enough to keep me hoping for more.   I was so lonely and so desperately wanted to be "normal" in the sense that every other adult seemed to have a partner, and I had been alone for SO long.

[BeenReadingHereSoLong]

I don't think I'd want to try to put things in terms of a percentage, but there were many wonderful times. She's a very decent individual. Nonetheless though, she's a borderline, and in the end, my mental and physical health were being compromised. I'm actually about to invite her daughter and grandchild to lunch, as I know she's out of town. She's worthy of my love, and she'll always have it to some degree, but from a distance, and with defined boundaries.

[WalrusGumboot]

I looked up the word "happy" in the dictionary, and I found: characterized by or indicative of pleasure, contentment, or joy.

I think contentment and joy better describes it, because happiness is a state of mind, like being content and joyful. Pleasure is a temporary feeling. So, No, I have never been happy during my 21 year marriage.

I think the wonderful times need to be really wonderful to keep us in the game. I have used the golf analogy a few times. I don't play anymore, but when I reflect back, the fun times come to mind. Thinking deeper, I know why I quit playing. It was 90% agony. It was that elation I felt making those rare "pro" shots that kept me playing. I was always hopeful my game would turn the corner and would see improvement, which never came.

[TonyC]

yes yes yes

no no no no no no no no no no no no no

yes

no no no no no no no no no no no no no

when the no's outweighed the yes's  it was time...

these realtionships are feast or famine... .

my ex made me the happiest... of all of them... but also made me the most miserable...

[lionheart0725]

Reading some responses makes me qusetion if my ex is really BPD, but then again I could be minimizing which I tend to do as I'm sure many non's do.  so our relationship was good for just over a year.  Then My event with the ring set her off and fro then on she was distant then close.  Finally she ended it. 

LH

[Satori1964]

Honestly, the first six months where the happiest (Mar'07-Sep'07)... . I guess that was our honeymoon stage... . as soon as I told her that I fell in love with her she did a 180 and the relationship went straight down the hill from there on... . crash and burn... .the emotional quagmire lasted way too long (Sep'07-Dec'09)... .glad it's finally behind me!  

- Ciao

[hurtingnbp]

yes yes yes

no no no no no no no no no no no no no

yes

no no no no no no no no no no no no no

when the no's outweighed the yes's  it was time...

these realtionships are feast or famine... .

my ex made me the happiest... of all of them... but also made me the most miserable...

Amen! I don't know what it is but I just genuinely liked being with my soon to be ex. I just hated her rages and the dumb sh*& she would start with me. Looking back, I probably wasn't as happy as I should have been but I was definitely dependent. My whole last three plus years of therapy have been about how miserable she makes me and that she is never happy. I even switched to a career coach/therapist to work on career issues and all we talked about was my miserable wife. Dang, I think I just answered your question.

[FreeToBe]

Oddly, it was very happy times for me for about half the time. But even early on when things were 'good', I found that I had a very strange lonely feeling.  I didn't understand why at the time - I do now.

[BeenReadingHereSoLong]

Yes Dang, good way to put it. I also had that lonely feeling. It's as though she depended upon me for so much, but I could depend on her for little, beyond a hard time. The good stuff was there, but it was so horribly unpredictable. I felt lonely, or I think more like just "alone."

[bkay]

The relationship pretty much destroyed me.  In the space of a few months I went from being a confident, poised professional to a walking basket case who broke into tears randomly in the middle of sentences.

This pretty much sums it up for me.  I have reflected a lot on this.  My reflections end up being a "no," I wasn't happy.  I became a mess being with him.  I lost myself.  I almost lost my job.  I tried very hard to make sure he was ok, and forgot to make sure that myself and my son were.

Did we have "some" good times?  Yes.  If the stars were aligned, his mood was ok, and a recent rage had left him with no immediate desire to fight with anyone, and anyone around him was agreeing with his opinions or whatever, then the evening may be good.  I can probably count those nice times on one hand over 18 months.  That is pitiful. 

I don't believe that if anyone is in a r'ship with someone who may have BPD that it will ever be about them or anything else.  It will always be about the person with BPD.  And that cannot make anyone happy.

[FlawLaw]

After twenty years with her, I may have been happy at times.  But the abuse was so intense and I am happy that it is over.

[tinkerbellz]

I have been happy at times... .especially the beginning... .but that is typical. Even since... there are still some happy moments and we still laugh a lot and enjoy doing things together. We still have sex though it is still ALWAYS on her schedule, not mine. I still have fun times with her. the flip side is that the bad times are outweighing the good ones and my kids and I don't deserve that.

I think that I would be willing to stay longer if it weren't for my kids, but I know for sure that I would not be willing to stay forever. Its been very hard to come to the realization that even if she manages to learn to control her behaviors, I still don't want to spend my life with her. I wish her the best in her efforts to get healthy, and if possible I will maintain a friendship with strict boundaries... .but I will not be her partner anymore.

[PennMicheleG]

I've found that the definition of "happiness" changes over time when you're in a relationship with a BPD.  In the beginning "happiness" may be that awesome high feeling you get when someone idolizes you and places you on a pedestal. After many years of dealing with crazy BPD behaviors, I defined "happiness" as those brief periods, few and far between, when BPD husband focused his attention on something other than my faults as a human being.

Looking back, the only true happiness I felt during my marriage was when I spent time with my two children.   

[NewStart]

In the beginning I was happier than I have ever been in my life and I'm over 40... .my life FINALLY made sense.  So many people even commented that I seemed happier than I had ever been and I was a very gregarious person to start with.

Looking back at about month 4 or 5 the wheels started to come off though.  Sure there were SO many red flags early but she was abused as a child, was 100% NC with her family, had a stalker and a train wreck of relationships behind her so I chalked it up to her just being hurt... .after all I was saving her, I was her soulmate and she had finally found someone 'strong enough to be her man'... . 

If I'm honest with myself though I began to walk on eggshells in many ways as early as month 1, but again I chalked this up to her past and hell I was having such an incredible time during that honeymoon faze.  Maybe it was harder to see as my BPDexgf was not a true 'rager' in the sense of what I read in many accounts here... .she was much more insidious... .she knew me at my core and was constantly playing me against my own emotions... .I was always looking to please her, to get back to that honeymoon faze, but the harder I tried the more she pushed me away.  In the end I was like a toy and she did as she pleased and when I look back I'm embarrased and ashamed at what I put up with... .

I find it so hard to fathom how I still miss her so much at times... .the high's we SO incredibly high I guess... .unrealistically high is my best guess... .which is maybe what leaves me with this nagging feeling that I will NEVER again find 'that' feeling again... .

[997s]

Newstart,

This sounds a lot like my story too.

The first months felt great, but there were a lot of red flags i ignored.

I always wanted to get back to the great times we had at the start, but i guess realized they were never coming back.

Now when i think back, the great times are fading, and all i can think of is the bad bits... .oh and they were pretty bad.

I read a book, that this re-writing of your mental history about the relationship means you are moving on. I dont really think i even miss her now, and you WILL find that feeling again, but it will be REAL the next time... .trust me... this is happening to me now, and it feels SOO much better thatn all the BPD drama crap.

[NewStart]

Thanks 997s... .

[LeroyBrown]

I would call it a "pseudo-happiness". There is no substance to it at the end of the day. It's an inexplicable, unparalleled rush induced by a very complex drug (what I'm coming to see uBPDxgf as). Then it's followed by a major crash. As time wore on, the rush became duller and duller and I became more of a fiend.

So to answer your question - I was "pseudo-happy" and quite confused (my goodness! that must've been a    ).

In solidarity,

LB

[Desert]

I would call it a "pseudo-happiness".

Nothing pseudo about the depression that I sometimes feel, though!

Although I must admit that two weeks into the semester, with my new sleeping patterns firmly established, I feel relatively ok most of the time.  There's no joy, no comfort, but I'm not tasting the gun oil, either.

Perhaps happiness is not a realistic goal for some of us, and we should be satisfied simply with relative peace of mind. 

Relationships can destroy peace of mind, but we shouldn't rely on them to create it.  Human lives and destinies are far too fragile for that.

[AMust]

That's a really good topic.  When we are together, it's great.  Love being with him because that's the man I married and I can see that he's still in there somewhere.  But then he'll go BPD on me and I kick myself for being sucked in again, and again, and again.  If he could get rid of the BPD and be the real man inside, then I would be truly happy.  The good times are really good, but the bad are really bad.

[PotentiallyKevin]

Wow, I see a lot of you posting numbers like 25% good times 75% bad times... .that must of sucked.

My relationship was more like 75% good 20% nuetral and 5% absolutely awful.

But, the things that happened in the 5% should have definitely been enough to get me to leave.

I think that was the hardest thing for me to give up this relationship, the vast majority of the time, it was bliss, and I thought I could endure the 5%. But, NO ONE should have to endure emotional/physical abuse, infidelities, lies, etc. What made my head spin so much is how fast things could turn sour... .and then how fast they could turn back to bliss. I remember having good weeks, then something would trigger her, we would fight for an hour or so... .she would call me names, do mean things, break up with me, etc... .and then 1 hour later we would be having the best make-up sex of our lives, buying each other gifts and promising the world too each other. These moments were much more common than any long periods of separation or anger towards each other. It made me think we could really overcome any situation.

One of my most miserable days with her, where she caught me and my friend watching the dreaded YouTube  , she became physically abusive, threatened suicide, and ended up in the hospital. At 2 AM, my friend and I went to go pick her up, I remember holding her real close to me in the ER, kissing her and telling her everything will be ok, with her looking at me with those puppy dog eyes, profusely appologizing and telling me how much I meant to her. That night, we ended up all going out together for Pizza and beer at a real fun joint that stays open all night, and playing the night away laughing, joking and having a grand time. It seemed almost every bad experience was quickly followed up by amazing, memorable times. I think she was aware of this and was actually addicted to the push/pull drama. Still, it wasn't worth it to me, it was soo damaging to my heart and definitely not worth the tears. Maybe the fights and hatred didn't bother her much, but slowly the 5% was eating me down to nothing. 

I do know even if this same percentage would have continued, the 5% would have ended up destroying me and I probably would have fallen into the only 25% "good" category. But even when our relationship ended, Between SEP-DEC we had only 1 major fight and plenty of fun dates in which I felt we were growing closer together. Weird relationship. The good times were definitely not worth it.

[Valentine09]

Thanks for posting this   

I was thinking about this very question today.  The answer for me was that she showed me a small sneak preview in the beginning of her acting sweet and loving and I wanted that badly.  She would continually tell me how well she treated her ex-husband and that whenever she gets into a relationship that she makes that man "her world." She would reinforce this false belief by stating how none of the guys she was with appreciated her.  I was constantly chasing after this fictitious happiness that she said she could provide.  When I actually did get into a relationship with her, it was nothing like she said it would be.  She didn't make me "her world", it included all her exes plus several people I probably don't know about,  and I was far from happy or fulfilled.  I still had to earn her love and nothing was ever good enough for her.  And since she didn't treat me the way she says she treated the men she loved, I felt very unloved, unwanted, and miserable.  It made me feel like the failure and that something was wrong me. 

[PotentiallyKevin]

Thanks for posting this   

I was thinking about this very question today.  The answer for me was that she showed me a small sneak preview in the beginning of her acting sweet and loving and I wanted that badly.  She would continually tell me how well she treated her ex-husband and that whenever she gets into a relationship that she makes that man "her world." She would reinforce this false belief by stating how none of the guys she was with appreciated her.  I was constantly chasing after this fictitious happiness that she said she could provide.  When I actually did get into a relationship with her, it was nothing like she said it would be.  She didn't make me "her world", it included all her exes plus several people I probably don't know about,  and I was far from happy or fulfilled.  I still had to earn her love and nothing was ever good enough for her.  And since she didn't treat me the way she says she treated the men she loved, I felt very unloved, unwanted, and miserable.  It made me feel like the failure and that something was wrong me. 

Ouch... .

Mine really did make me her world. Obsessed over me, wrote me love notes, hid little messages in my wallet or car... .cute stuff. Suprised me with my favorite foods, bought me funny tshirts, posters, video games, cds etc etc etc. She knew everything about me. To my favorite hockey player to my interests in philosophy and psychology. She bought be a bobble-head Frued that I thought was just so darn cute. Flowers... .  A WOMAN ACTUALLY BOUGHT ME FLOWERS! No wonder I adored this woman... .She was also so appreciative of everthing I did for her, i reciprocated the kindess, took her on trips, showing her my favorite canyon when I was a kid to catch lizards... .and caught some with her. I involved her completely in my life and family. She did the same... .introduced me to her extended family as her "Brad Pitt" boyfriend. We were very close and it felt like a fairy tale.

But,

This girl was also so quick to kick me off the pedastool, treat me like dirt, like I was nothing to her... .

AND,

Immediately out of nowhere, pick up a new boyfriend and start doing the exact same things with him. Flying him out to meet her family, making him cute/thoughtfull gifts, telling and showing him he is HER WORLD, giving up everything for him... .the same way she did for me.

It was never about me, it was always about trying to prove to herself that SHE was wonderful, because deep down she feels like she is nothing, dirty, and horrible, and trying to FORCE others to see otherwise will never solve this. I believe that was the case, the gifts, admiration, and obsession, was really about trying to prove to herself that she was a good person, worthy of admiration of her own. But, her cup has a major whole in it, and the more people fill it up, the more it just leaks out.

[Valentine09]

This girl was also so quick to kick me off the pedastool, treat me like dirt, like I was nothing to her... .

AND,

Immediately out of nowhere, pick up a new boyfriend and start doing the exact same things with him. Flying him out to meet her family, making him cute/thoughtfull gifts, telling and showing him he is HER WORLD, giving up everything for him... .the same way she did for me.

Yes, I can totally relate.  I think in my case, I told her I loved her fairly early on, about 3 months after I first met her.  Before I told her that she was getting me little gifts and made me think that I actually had a shot with her.  After that point it was completely off and on.  We had discussed doing a bunch of things together, just the two of us.  She ended up doing a crapload of those things with the guy she dumped me for... .IN ONE WEEKEND.  And this was when I gave her the ultimatum of choosing me or losing me.  I really don't have sympathy for these people when they go and do things that seemed special and exclusive about the relationship with other people.  Just shows how replaceable and interchangeable we are to them. 

I made a list of all the supposed "good times."  I counted 10 exactly, and only 3 of those events I'd consider in the realm of perfect, where there was nothing abusive or manipulative going on.  And those 3 perfect happy times all occurred within the first 3 months (the honeymoon period).

[MxMan]

ditto here

The relationship pretty much destroyed me.  In the space of a few months I went from being a confident, poised professional to a walking basket case who broke into tears randomly in the middle of sentences.

This pretty much sums it up for me.  I have reflected a lot on this.  My reflections end up being a "no," I wasn't happy.  I became a mess being with him.  I lost myself.  I almost lost my job.  I tried very hard to make sure he was ok, and forgot to make sure that myself and my son were.

Did we have "some" good times?  Yes.  If the stars were aligned, his mood was ok, and a recent rage had left him with no immediate desire to fight with anyone, and anyone around him was agreeing with his opinions or whatever, then the evening may be good.  I can probably count those nice times on one hand over 18 months.  That is pitiful. 

I don't believe that if anyone is in a r'ship with someone who may have BPD that it will ever be about them or anything else.  It will always be about the person with BPD.  And that cannot make anyone happy.

[lifeisgoodx10]

There were parts of my r/s with uBPxh that were very happy. I laughed with him like no one else. We laughed a lot. We played. We were simple and uncomplicated together at times. But... .there always seemed to be an underlying element of manipulation. I spent so much of the time feeling defeated and deflated by his flip remarks designed to really sting under the guise of, "Oh I'm just kidding. I'm just teasing you." I remember once we were kidding around talking and laughing and he mentioned this woman he had asked out once. She was a doctor (Ophthamologist) and they just couldn't seem to get their schedules together to actually go out. In the course of out banter he said, "Yeah I reached for the gold ring but instead I got you." WOW did that ever hurt! Of course he could not understand why a comment like that would hurt my feelings. Think about it. "I reached for the gold ring but instead I got you." hmmmmm  This is just one example of how our laughter and fun would turn into me feeling like a doofus, lower than a snake's belly and he felt superior and empowered. He loves to give me a put down and cover it all up by saying he's just kidding... .which makes me seem to be the overly sensitive one.

Now that I think about it. Maybe there weren't as many "happy" times as I'd like to remember.

[Valentine09]

there always seemed to be an underlying element of manipulation. I spent so much of the time feeling defeated and deflated by his flip remarks designed to really sting under the guise of, "Oh I'm just kidding. I'm just teasing you."

This was the same with me and was the beginning of the end.  She'd say something really offensive like what you experienced in a non-joking very serious tone of voice, wait for me to get pissed off at her and then try to say it was a joke and I can't handle her.  This isn't normal behavior and she got angry because she felt like she had to watch everything she said around me, which was the truth.  I can only imagine being in their shoes and not having any kind of restraint on the words that came out of my mouth.  It's like that movie Liar, Liar except they are always saying inappropriate hurtful comments.

Looking back, she'd mainly pull this routine when things were starting to become normal and calm down between us.  They really live for the drama, and drama is no key to happiness in my book.  And this was a non-stop occurrence.  I can only remember a few scant moments of peace for the whole 8 months.  There was almost always distance.

[eeyore]

That's a really good topic.  When we are together, it's great.  Love being with him because that's the man I married and I can see that he's still in there somewhere.  But then he'll go BPD on me and I kick myself for being sucked in again, and again, and again.  If he could get rid of the BPD and be the real man inside, then I would be truly happy.  The good times are really good, but the bad are really bad.

I agree with you totally!

[lifeisgoodx10]

Looking back, she'd mainly pull this routine when things were starting to become normal and calm down between us.  They really live for the drama, and drama is no key to happiness in my book.  And this was a non-stop occurrence.  I can only remember a few scant moments of peace for the whole 8 months.  There was almost always distance.

Exactly! It would usually be when things were calm. You're right they do love the drama but it's twisted to appear that "we" the nons are the drama queens. You know... .we're just too sensitive and we can't handle them. Phhttt!