4.10 | Positive Entitlement - Taking The Initiative To Share In Life's Riches

[anker]

I'm very good at what I do. At my work. I used to have a tough time pricing my work but I decided that I have a right to earn my living. I'm entitled to that... .

I feel entitled to decide things about my career too. work is the best thing in my life. I love what I do.

So there's that!

[BMama]

^That is an awesome one.  I'm glad you mention this because as I'm reading B&W's assignment, I was like, "OH NO."  I don't think I have anything to add.  

I, too, have that VERY same problem.  I keep framing it as, well if I'm cheap, then I'll get more work on the marketing end.  I know, I know, people know they get what they pay for... . 

I recently took on a client that offered me up front double what I'm charging my "preferred" clients.  I'm still having difficulty accepting that, but I agreed.  When I write out my invoice this week, there will be no "courtesy discounts.  I'm gonna take that money and buy myself something!

Now, someone hold my feet to the fire and make sure I did it... .

But, I'm ashamed to say... .that I can't think of a single thing popping into my mind that I do just for ME.  Part of that is not liking to be alone.  If I'm with someone, I feel I must share what I have, or part of myself.  Yikes, this is a really, really good, and really, really scary topic!

Forgot... .Minnares.  I have the SAME issues with parenting.  My goodness do I sound like my MOTHER when I get the kids acting like they don't have ANYTHING in life song and dance.  Then I even stupidly think, crimony, I DON'T have anything, myself, and all the money I could spend on me, I spend on them.  What is wrong with them?  It's a trap.

[joiesophie]

Embracing positive entitlement :

I don't think I've ever considered EMBRACING it, but I have done things for me without question.  So, I'm wondering if it counts as positive entitlement if you do it because you need it?

For example : taking care of my health - and not giving up when one (two, several !) therapist wasn't a good fit.   Other areas of my health - I don't do as easily.

changing faith traditions : because it 'felt' right, because I was 'entitled?' to change.  For me, there wasn't a question about being able to do it.

Is it because I didn't have negative experiences with some of these? 

*thinking out loud*

Eating/ taking care of the house - those were 'modelled' by my family of origin - so I had experiences with those concepts.  Negative everything was associated with it.  Doing art - was a subtle negative 'we don't do that.  But needlepoint was fine... .

js 

[justhere]

I think my first attempts at 'embracing positive entitlement' was learning how to say 'no'. Saying 'no' to anyone was the last thing that I wanted to do as I felt that I was letting the person down so I was trapped by my own guilt or duty to give of myself and resources even if this really hurt me. .

I would try to explain or defend though and kept hoping that my needs would be considered and 'they would give me permission to say 'no'. Then I realized that I was asking another person to set my limits and boundaries. . My first 'no' wasn't the healthiest and they still can be a little wimpy and difficult to get out, but more of my 'no's' are being heard now...    

I've also been trying out some recreational activities that are just for my pleasure so as well as learning how to 'enjoy' this is helping me to become a more active and purposeful participant in my life.

justhere

[random]

OK, my positive entitlement story is very small and silly, but it's all mine, dammit! At my temp job, I typeset documents, and for version control, each publisher appends their initials to the file they are working on. I used to set my initials in lower case, until one day I said to myself, "Enough of this!" And then I started using capital letters to do my initials. And it feels so good! It's such a small step, but for me, it's plenty big.

[blackandwhite]

Those are all great examples--and those capital are NOT silly, random!

BMama and anyone else who might be up for it... .I'd love to give you a specific assignment to do something small but wonderful just for you. If you're willing to take on that task, would you do it and report back to us?

Those who described one area (such as work or protecting your health) where you DO feel positively entitled, what happens when you try to shift that same feeling to another area of your life?

I'm going to pull from another thread an example of a process I underwent to "grow" positive entitlement--the entitlement to take up space in the world and get attention for things I do well. The thread was started by MotherSpirit and it was about being "visible versus invisible."

Does anyone else have this problem? :

When no one's paying attention to you, you get angry and/or sad because you feel like, once again as always, you are invisible.

But then when everyone pays a lot of attention to you, you get scared, back away and don't want to be seen?

It's like the "keep your distance a little closer", but more with attention.  I've been trying to figure out if this is part of the reason I struggle with weight loss.  Once I start losing weight, people notice me and comment and I feel shy and scared. In fact, sometimes I want to hide my weight loss so people don't come and say "OH WOW!  You've lost so much weight!"  I can't stand that!  At the same time, I want compliments and someone to say "hey, you look really good!"  Once I gain weight again, I am not seen, not noticed, just the same old me.  Or by gaining weight, I draw attention to myself in a negative way, which I then want to change by losing weight.  I've been wondering if this is the reason for some time now.

I hate being ignored but hate being the center of attention.  is there a comfortable medium?  Is there a balance?  Is this a  ? Does anyone else feel this way?

This set of experiences that led to me being so much more comfortable being "visible" happened somewhat by accident. I didn't set out to solve this problem, but that's what happened. Perhaps there are some lessons in it. Here's what helped me:

*Teaching others. I started teaching a subject that I knew really well. It was sort of trial by fire--I needed some money and had an opportunity. Teaching requires that you be a big focus of attention. I built confidence from my subject matter expertise.

*Changing the narrative. Over time, I realized that some of the story I had been telling myself (I don't like to be the center of attention, I feel strange in a group, nobody will want to listen to me) was NOT TRUE.

*Changing self-talk. I did like being the center of attention. Not all the time, but I liked getting things rolling and facilitating. I don't feel at all strange in a group that's directed toward a common purpose. And lots of people wanted to listen to me, because I knew my stuff and I was good at reading responses (as many of us adult children of BPDs are  ). The talk in my head ("self-talk" changed too: "I'm good at this"; "I enjoy this"; "people seem to like it when I X or Y." Developing a list of the messages to undo, finding their opposite, and then practicing them in your head sounds goofy but I bet it would help.

*Playing a role. The teaching job and another in which I did a lot of public speaking, gave me a role to play, of "expert" and "authority." Even if I didn't feel those, the role provided a base for me. This happened for me in a professional capacity, but I'm sure you could do it by taking an acting class, doing Toastmasters, or in many other ways.

*Finding comfortable ways to stand out. I posted somewhere else that I began to dress better along the way, and I really explored my taste and developed it. It's very "me," so I feel confident about it. Is there something you feel very confident in that you could develop and even show off a bit?

*Breaking bad habits. When someone would praise me in the past ("I liked that class you taught" or "I love your shoes" I would downgrade it, deflect it, not really take in the compliment. I have taught myself to say, "Thank you" and smile. And then shut up. I really had to work on this, because of the training that attention = target. At first it felt weird. Now it feels natural. 

*Helping others. I have actually helped several others get over a fear of public speaking! Extremely satisfying to see their success. 

I'll keep looking for more info, but those are some things that have helped me. Hope they're of some use.  xoxox

B&W

[anker]

I don't know for sure how to extend my confidence with work and expertise there into my love life... I mean I've been one date in six months... .not sure how to apply this when I'm not in a relationship.

[blackandwhite]

I don't know for sure how to extend my confidence with work and expertise there into my love life... I mean I've been one date in six months... .not sure how to apply this when I'm not in a relationship.

This is difficult and I'm not sure I have any answers. But can you give a specific example of positive entitlement in a work or career situation? I'm trying to see how you're operating and look for ways that your confidence and sense of self there have developed. You mentioned a break through in pricing your work and also making career decisions. Perhaps you could share an instance when you said, that's it, I'm worth it?

[joiesophie]

Mine is the 'saying no' to the dinner invitation by my father. (see thread on 'perils'.   I don't feel entitled to say 'no, thank you'. 

The FOG hit. 

It's my family, for goodness' sake.  My parents are elderly.

It's only a dinner, can't I just suck it up for an afternoon?

What's so important that I can't 'just do it'?  I used to go through worse, you know.

Answer:  I'M THE REASON.  If I wanted to have dinner with them, I would have many other times.

When I think about it, my stomach is doing loop-de-loops. My panic attack gremlins are rubbing their hands together - going, whatcha gonna do? 

Solution:   I could visit them earlier in the day - to say hi. 

I'M ENTITLED, YOU KNOW!

Thanks for asking.  Now, I just gotta call... .

I'm still scared silly, you know... .

js

[blackandwhite]

Joiesophie,

You ARE entitled to say no thank you! You ARE entitled to refuse to have experiences that will be traumatic for you. You owe self-protection and respect for boundaries to YOURSELF.

Try to think of yourself in that third-person story... .there once was a girl who... .and now you've reached a later place in the story and it goes "there once was a woman who cared enough about herself to say NO when she needed to... ."

xoxo

[justhere]

I think this is what all of us are looking for... .that permission, so how do we get this? It seems that we have been stuck in this place of not being able to say no, or earn a good living, or enjoy our blessings or to know that we are worth something just because we are ourselves and we sure weren't taught that we could put our own needs and wants before someone else, especially our BPDparent.

I remember when my son was born, I couldn't show any joy to my mom or my sister as neither one of them had a 'son'.  Any happiness on my part would be like saying to them that I was better then them in some way because I had something that they wanted. I could almost taste their anger towards me and my son and my mom put my son down any chance she could get. There was so much competition for everything and the way I didn't compete with them was to stop myself from feeling.

It's almost like you are saying by suggesting that we think of ourselves in the third person that we can then put our emotional connection aside. This is what I did for years but I guess it was more for my protection and I was reacting and it was not from a position of strength by detached observation.   So where do we go from observing? I know even if something makes sense to me, I still tend to act by how I feel rather then to what I think.  

justhere

[anker]

for example I price my work all day... .so a client often asks how much something will be. I think of how long it'll take. Me and also how difficult it will be... .I used to only consider the time stuff would take. A few years ago I began asserting that difficult projects should cost more... .

I do a lot of traveling for work too. I have to call colleagues and arrange times meetings terms and qorkspaces. I actually enjoy this and feel respected by them... .I am confident about work. I know what I'm doing and I've succeeded.

With relationships... .I have no idea what I'm doing and feel unwanted and disrespected. I hate being the one to arrange stuff but somehow I ways end up doing all the "work" there too... .it makes me feel just the opposite.

Although my colleagues encourage me and call me first and ask me to arrange or attend. I get Vidation and positive support from them... .

[joiesophie]

 

With relationships... .I have no idea what I'm doing and feel unwanted and disrespected. I hate being the one to arrange stuff but somehow I ways end up doing all the "work" there too... .it makes me feel just the opposite.

Thanks for sharing, this, Anker,

I finally realized this year (!) that I would visit other people's offices at work to 'say hi', but they rarely would stop by my cubby.  Now I don't stop at theirs, anymore.  If we are 'colleagues', then it should be reciprocal.  Not just ME doing the stopping to chat, but them wanting to stop by and see me. Or even call. 

They have time, when I stop, how come they don't have the same time to say hi?  I'm learning.  My T pointed out that I would find friends outside of work, and she's right. 

js

[BMama]

I'm up for it B&W.  I can talk the talk, but when it comes to doing the walk... .unless someone is holding my feet to the fire... .well, you know.   

[joiesophie]

Hey BMama -

I know where you're coming from!  So, whatcha wanna do? Can we be of assistance?

(Yeah, I talked the talk and then I got a phone call... .Now I gotta walk the walk ... .up and down my entitlement!)

js

[anker]

I'm afraid that if I don't call text or whatever... .that they won't do anything. So I keep initiating.

I can't think of a way to work on this. I had a date that went great last weekend. We've texted and called each other... .mostly me initiating. Maybe I can just not and see what happens?

Wow but... .ok! Its a flea. I'm afraid if I don't keep initiating he won't know I like him. Or that he will move in to someone else immediately. That he will react the way my BPDx would... .or of not then that I will find out he doesn't like me all that much... .rejection... .ugh

Someone help me figure out ways to bring my competence and confidence from my work to my personal life... .

Like... .I'd never ever have been a business partner with any of my disordered exes! Holy cow... .but it was ok to be with them?

Any input welcome

[blackandwhite]

Like... .I'd never ever have been a business partner with any of my disordered exes! Holy cow... .but it was ok to be with them?

Any input welcome

You know, I think that insight alone is golden! What qualities are you looking for in a business partner? Can you list them?

If you started a business relationship that you wanted to pursue, would you be "afraid if I don't keep initiating he won't know I like him. Or that he will move in to someone else immediately. That he will react the way my BPDx would... .or of not then that I will find out he doesn't like me all that much... .rejection... .ugh"? If no, why not?

I used to pursue friendships the way you're describing yourself pursuing a romantic relationship. Same feelings and thought patterns--exactly.  I realized these friendships never made me feel good. I tried to think of it in terms of energy flow. The energy I brought needed to be matched. Not every second--it can ebb and flow. But overall, if all the energy comes from me, I've learned to pull back AND (this is important) release the outcome. Maybe the person is heavily involved in something else and actually would be a great friend to me (or partner to you) another time. I try not to make assumptions or see the lack of energy as a reflection of my self-worth. But if it's not there, I don't pump mine up anymore to compensate, similar to what joiesophie was saying about not always doing the stopping by the desk at work--it should go both ways. You are entitled to relationships that are reciprocal.

justhere, your points about the observer position are very interesting. The exercise of putting your story in the third person is actually meant to point out that we tend to save our sympathy, empathy, and caring for others and not ourselves. If we see ourselves as "there once was a girl who had a mother who was too wrapped up in her own pain to notice the girl's love," then we can feel more compassion for the girl/boy (us) because we're trained to feel more compassion for others than ourselves. Might not be the best exercise for all, but that's the idea.

I'm up for it B&W.  I can talk the talk, but when it comes to doing the walk... .unless someone is holding my feet to the fire... .well, you know.   

Okay then, what's the plan, BMama? I hope it's delicious! 

B&W

[anker]

Release the outcome... .scary! Hahaha

[blackandwhite]

Release the outcome... .scary! Hahaha

I know, no kidding.  It's important to remember that this is step 15 of the Survivors' Guide. I wanted to focus on it to raise awareness, but getting to it might be a process.

I think this is what all of us are looking for... .that permission, so how do we get this? It seems that we have been stuck in this place of not being able to say no, or earn a good living, or enjoy our blessings or to know that we are worth something just because we are ourselves and we sure weren't taught that we could put our own needs and wants before someone else, especially our BPDparent.

I was thinking again of what justhere said. It seems really important, the idea of waiting for someone to give us permission to feel positively entitled--to get our needs met. We didn't get that permission when we were supposed to (from our parent/s). So perhaps we seek it in the world, by becoming "pleasers" or rescuers or in other ways, hoping someone will say "yes, you do deserve to take up space in the world." Maybe we're lucky and find that person. Maybe we don't. And even if we do, we may be so programmed that we don't hear it. At least not without some work. 

We have to give *ourselves* permission. The language of the Survivors' Guide says "take the initiative to share in life's riches." The initiative is important.

xoxox

B&W

[BMama]

Okay... .so I'm supposed to take an area of life where I feel positively entitled and shift it.  I think I will use that example from earlier because I'm already telling myself that I'm gonna take less. 

I agreed to accept set rate per hour to make cold sales calls for an insurance agent.  I didn't manage to make her any appointments, even though I've called at the time of day she told me, and she gave me a script to follow.  I have a great conversational phone voice. 

Usual me would say, well I owe her something back because I wasn't successful, so I'd give over a discount.  However, when I look at it, I got a really crappy list.  I can only get maybe 5 out of 30 people to answer the phone, and none of them are interested in having the agent out for a visit.  Who is in this day and age? 

It's not me or my lack of ability or work ethic, it's the situation.  She needs a different/new plan for attracting clients, but this is what she chooses, to pay someone to call on a list from 2008.  I have done the job she asked of me, and I should be paid at the agreed upon rate.

Tomorrow night is my close of billing cycle... .

[minnares]

Boy, "Release the outcome," phew. That's the nearly impossible one for me   I completely understand about the initiating contact with friends, too. Finding the balance between being the one who ALWAYS sends the email or calls and NEVER being the one to do it first is a scary place for me. I didn't have many friends as a child, so the ones I think I have now are really important to my self esteem, to knowing I'm not the b*tch, bad daughter, fat girl, etc. That combined with waiting for graduate school acceptances! Phew. Releasing the outcome on this is making me crazy. I've been trying to tell myself that I am entitled to seek this dream, to apply for these programs, that I've worked my behind off to get to this point even. Also, can failure be a kind of positive entitlement? For example, having peace over not being perfect (read: not getting into the exact program I want)? This engrained perfectionist mentality is just really making me physically ill while I wait.

~ m

[anker]

If I'm rejected... .if the outcome isn't what I wanted. What will happen?

My parents withheld until I just stopped asking for anything.

If I release the outcome I might bwrejected and wonder if that is my fault... .didn't try hard enough. Or something.

[justhere]

I found that a great way to build my self-confidence was to volunteer.  Every community is begging for people to help right from visiting the elderly to helping out your neighborhood politician.  I went online and found pages of volunteer positions in my area and they take you how you are and they will accommodate your wants and needs.  In fact you may find you will soon know what it is you are doing very well, very quickly and will be very much in demand. You will then be helping your community and yourself as well as gaining in experience and confidence. You also get to meet new people who are not so into themselves, who are givers instead of takers.  

My latest project is calling bingo for the seniors. All I do is sit in the front of the room and call out the numbers on a microphone but I love it and they love me too!  At first I was a little self conscious and didn't do much else but try and get the numbers out right but I soon found myself relaxing and it was even more fun for everyone when I did make a mistake... .they love it when they can tell me I got it wrong and this is one criticism that I really enjoy. I also realize that I like speaking in front of people over a microphone so who know where this is going to lead.

Blackandwhite I think that I did take care of... .teaching others, changing the narrative, changing self-talk, playing a role, finding comfortable ways to stand out, breaking bad habits, helping others all in calling 'bingo' for my ladies on Wednesday night.

justhere

[BMama]

I think that is an awesome idea, Justhere.

[random]

I'm thinking of trying positive affirmations, has anyone had experience with that? "I'm good enough, I'm smart enough and doggone it, people like me." 

[anker]

Well I'm still not sure... .I mean I keep my expectations very very low because I've become accustomed to being let down. Disappointment. And the only way for me to avoid that pain is to expect. And to ask for. Nearly nothing... .dregs and scraps and crumbs... .and be glad when they fall my way.

At work I deserve things because I have talent and drive and experience. Because I'm well known and because I've paid my dues over and over... .I have nothing to prove therem

In relationships I feel the opposite... .like I deserve nothing... .I should expect nothing if not worse

Ugh

[anker]

After my BPDx I don't even expect people to live up to solemn promises! Let alone offer them... .

[joiesophie]

Joiesophie,

You ARE entitled to say no thank you! You ARE entitled to refuse to have experiences that will be traumatic for you. You owe self-protection and respect for boundaries to YOURSELF.

Try to think of yourself in that third-person story... .there once was a girl who... .and now you've reached a later place in the story and it goes "there once was a woman who cared enough about herself to say NO when she needed to... ."

xoxo

Okay, so I called and said 'no thank you'.  And I'm still shaking!  But I think it was mainly because my 'sister' answered the phone, and not one of the parents. 

I am entitled to say no.  I am loveable and capable.  (Ialac).  But, I'm really glad that I have you all to support me and a good friend who suggested that I reconsider the 'yes' to dinner... .

js

[random]

I'm grinning over here cause you went and did it!

I'm also thinking of making an actual IALAC sign 

[BMama]

Good for you JS!

And I figure just about all of them out... .but IALAC... .I'm ashamed to say I can't get... .HELP!