do borderline waifs...

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

tend to re-engagement alot?

who delt with a borderline waif and how was the re-engaging after the relationship ended?

shes been distracted by a new guy for a couple months, but she was so helpless when she was single right after we broke up... .i cant even imagine how she'll act when the new guy leaves her and im still no contact... .

[unknown]

tend to re-engagement alot?

who delt with a borderline waif and how was the re-engaging after the relationship ended?

shes been distracted by a new guy for a couple months, but she was so helpless when she was single right after we broke up... .i cant even imagine how she'll act when the new guy leaves her and im still no contact... .

[Desert]

Mine re-engaged some, but not to the ridiculous degree that others here have reported.

[LeroyBrown]

Mine was/is similar to Desert. I think it's because their extremely low sense of self-worth exceeds their desire to play with an old toy.

In solidarity,

LB

[unknown]

hmm i dont know about that though. when i broke up with her, she called a "boyfriend" who she dated when she was younger for like 2 weeks. (they didnt get intimate in that last relationship, so she considerd me her first love and real relationship)

but she was hooking up with him about 3 weeks after our relationship ended. she claimed that she just wanted to hear someone say "i love you" or something.  

but the fact that she even called someone that she dated back when she was little for such a short period of time seems to be forshadowing... .

she hadent talked to him in months before that too.

any thoughts?

[LeroyBrown]

hmm i dont know about that though. when i broke up with her, she called a "boyfriend" who she dated when she was younger for like 2 weeks. (they didnt get intimate in that last relationship, so she considerd me her first love and real relationship) 

but the fact that she even called someone that she dated back when she was little for such a short period of time seems to be forshadowing... .

any thoughts?

Exactly my friend. She didn't get close enough to dude to feel inferior to him. But you, she did. A "BPD compliment". 

Mine did the same thing before me and after me. Many random flings with dudes that don't give two ___s about her. The wild thing is that they (pwBPD) would rather be with someone who views them as a sex object than with someone who wants to get to know them. Let me rephrase. They don't exactly want that, but the alternative (exposure of their true, nonexistent self) is far worse.

So in essence their sense of self is even lower than that of a sex object if you can imagine and they are sort of taking the lesser of two evils. <---That's how I understand so please correct me if I'm off. It's sick.

In solidarity,

LB

[FloatOn]

Mine was probably mostly waif, except for at the very beginning. Heck, maybe even then too. She was only queen around certain friends. She didn't re-engagement me at all unprovoked by me. She did re-engage'ish stuff after I started talking to her again, before I knew anything of BPD (it was so ridiculously confusing). Then never called me again after I got fed up with her. She is occupied with other stuff -- work and the video game she's addicated to. Basically went hermit... .going to start a thread on this in a second.

Exactly my friend. She didn't get close enough to dude to feel inferior to him. But you, she did. A "BPD compliment". 

Mine did the same thing before me and after me. Many random flings with dudes that don't give two ___s about her. The wild thing is that they (pwBPD) would rather be with someone who views them as a sex object than with someone who wants to get to know them. Let me rephrase. They don't exactly want that, but the alternative (exposure of their true, nonexistent self) is far worse.

So in essence their sense of self is even lower than that of a sex object if you can imagine and they are sort of taking the lesser of two evils. <---That's how I understand so please correct me if I'm off. It's sick.

In solidarity,

LB

I've seen stuff like this written before. In my ex's case, it really seemed like her fear of abandonment was rooted in the fear I'd find out who she really was. Got a lot of "you're so much better than me" towards the end.

[PotentiallyKevin]

I've seen stuff like this written before. In my ex's case, it really seemed like her fear of abandonment was rooted in the fear I'd find out who she really was. Got a lot of "you're so much better than me" towards the end.

EXACTLY! It wasn't really a fear of abandonment at all. It was more like:  "if I become vulnerably, and you see how wretched I really am, then you will force me to see it too."

I have always had a problem with the whole "fear of abandonment" clause in BPD.

[LeroyBrown]

I've seen stuff like this written before. In my ex's case, it really seemed like her fear of abandonment was rooted in the fear I'd find out who she really was. Got a lot of "you're so much better than me" towards the end.

EXACTLY! It wasn't really a fear of abandonment at all. It was more like:  "if I become vulnerably, and you see how wretched I really am, then you will force me to see it too."

I have always had a problem with the whole "fear of abandonment" clause in BPD.

Yes sirs. I think we are on the same page here, indeed. Thank you both for clarifying.

Mine really thrived on the long-distance relationship we had because she could maintain a front. (Valentine09 has posted on this before) I think this is yet another reason they are obsessed with text messaging - it allows them to hide. They don't have to keep up with the flow of a conversation and don't have to worry about "saying something stupid and being embarrassed" (<---paraphrased version of what uBPDxgf said to me once).

Before I went to visit her on my birthday weekend, she kept shortening the length of my tentative visit and insisted that we hang out in groups the entire time. Why? because this would give her a chance to continue the facade of the witty, independent, earthy, cultured professional she portrayed herself to me as. When I finally asked for some one-on-one time (on the 3rd day), she raged like a a tasmanian devil at me! 

I also think this is another reason of why she enjoyed hanging out with drugged out hipsters. They were too unconscious of her to recognize her faults.

In solidarity,

LB

[Valentine09]

Since we broke up in September of last year, my exgf has re-engaged off and on every 2-3 weeks.  At first this was because I ok'ed us being friends, which lasted till about October.  Then when I stopped talking to her she temporarily rehooked me when she told me she was interested in getting some counseling, which lasted one session.  I've been NC for 3 months this week.  I last heard from her 3 weeks ago, so she is due for another.  I'm hoping that the time span between re-engages will become greater and greater as time goes by until she finally quits.

Mine did the same thing before me and after me. Many random flings with dudes that don't give two ___s about her. The wild thing is that they (pwBPD) would rather be with someone who views them as a sex object than with someone who wants to get to know them. Let me rephrase. They don't exactly want that, but the alternative (exposure of their true, nonexistent self) is far worse.

So in essence their sense of self is even lower than that of a sex object if you can imagine and they are sort of taking the lesser of two evils. <---That's how I understand so please correct me if I'm off. It's sick.

In solidarity,

LB

I agree with this LB.  Mine kept going to have sex with this guy who she didn't even like and all he was interested in was having her over for that.    I kept asking her why she'd degrade herself like that... .and she'd usually give me some excuse about her having been married before and missing the sex.  I just didn't understand why she'd be doing it with someone she claimed she wasn't attracted to and didn't even like as a person.  I told her this guy was scum and she actually defended him saying how great he was.  They'll side with abusive people every time... .very sick   

[muddychicken]

MIne did with my dahgyters Bday this past weekend-see i know her well enough to where she makes decisions and then complains about them-since I'm no longer with her, I don't care. I had my daughters party with my family at a restaurant-sent out invites, got a cake etc. all the while not asking my wife for an assist nor did she offer. She has to get up at 6am the day of the Bday to make cupcakes for my daughters Bball game later in the day (she told me today that she slept with a guy the night before ergo shy why was tired-plus I didn't care that she did-used it against her) She then complains about 10 kids sleeping over, again she agreed to this and I told her after she did the waif call about how I made no offers to help. I told her that she chose to have 10 kids sleepover and that she chose to have sex and stay up late which obviously contributed to her crankiness the next day... .again I told her (what a relief after all these years) that she has consistently made decisions over the years and only to turn around and complain about them and somehow make them my fault. I told her she was in charge and could have taken control of this  by setting limits with my daughter as opposed to indulging her and that I made no offer to help because I did not feel the need to because this was her show and that as a single mother, she needed to make better decisions.

[FreeToBe]

We've had NC since Christmas... .  I don't expect to hear from her again. 

Crazy though - as others have posted above... .Mine, near the end, was saying things like, "You are so much wiser than I am."  "You deserve someone better than me."  "You don't even know the real me."

[KMTTP]

I have not been re-engaged since going NC and I really don't plan on getting re-engaged.  I know this is a bit off topic, but I remember my ex crying one night while she was on the phone with me... .this was a few weeks before we broke up.  Anyway... .she said to me... .I will always love you... .no matter what happens... .just know that.  And I was like... .huh?  what do you mean?  and she said nevermind... .I love you and then changed the subject.  Looking back now... .it gives me chills.  So sad... .

[Careca9]

Mine was/is similar to Desert. I think it's because their extremely low sense of self-worth exceeds their desire to play with an old toy.

In solidarity,

LB

agree with this after reading a lot about bordeline waifs. i know this is an old post but its a question i have been looking to see if anyone had any experiences of. a lot of the posts say its likely you will be recycled but knowing the ex and her views i feel as though the above statement will be a better interpretation of what will go on in her head. the shame of what she did and general shyness will stop her from reaching out as it will be easier to find someone else than have to deal with difficult questions from close friends/family on what has changed

[Huh?]

I haven't heard from my fiancé waif/hermit since we broke up in August.  I tried to contact her a couple times and was ingnored, so we've been complete NC since October.  Our relationship was always like that though, either  it was "her way or the highway"; If I brought up a need and it turned into a fight she'd shut down completely cut me off for weeks, months, until I came back.

She enjoyed being the victim.  She had no close friends, liked to stay home.  I woke up one morning, her crying.  She said she had been on the floor in the bathroom for two hours in excruciating pain... .and that she wished I would have walked in on her to see it.  I asked her what it was, she didn't know but felt better.  That happened a lot, she'd start crying saying she was in pain... .make a huge scene in public... .but then she'd be fine 10 minutes later and act like nothing ever happened.

Can't tell you how many times I walked in on her crying because she was upset, or thought somebody hated her, or didn't like something she did. 

She was/is a gorgeous girl.  Everywhere we went, people told her she looked like a famous model or actress... .but she had the lowest self esteem of anybody I've ever met.

So anyways, point is.  No, I will never hear from her... .she's the victim; always the victim.

[infjEpic]

I know she was hooking up with him about 3 weeks after our relationship ended.

I assume she hadent talked to him in months before that too.

any thoughts?

This is probably the most hurtful aspect imo - I'm not trying to be mysterious here, just gentle.

I have added the underlined verbs to your statements.

If you retain the facts, but remove the assumptions - what is your conclusion?


Are you familiar with the concept of overlapping in BPD relationships?