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How to communicate after a contentious divorce... Following a contentious divorce and custody battle, there are often high emotion and tensions between the parents. Research shows that constant and chronic conflict between the parents negatively impacts the children. The children sense their parents anxiety in their voice, their body language and their parents behavior. Here are some suggestions from Dean Stacer on how to avoid conflict.
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Author Topic: Who here has told their ex that they have BPD?  (Read 2862 times)
plaintop
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« on: March 03, 2010, 09:13:01 AM »

I'm very curious to know if you have confronted your ex with this and what the response was.
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temp101
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« Reply #1 on: March 03, 2010, 09:22:54 AM »

I'm very curious to know if you have confronted your ex with this and what the response was.

My STBX is very sensitive to book titles. He saw me bringing the Stop Walking on Eggshells books and visiting BPD websites. I brought up some theories in a non-confrontational, non-pressure ways, and he took it okay. But once when we had a fight, I pushed it too hard and lost ground. Now I'm just being supportive of whatever course he wants to take. He is considering counseling.
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goldenblunder
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« Reply #2 on: March 03, 2010, 09:34:27 AM »

I did.  It was probably about 3 months after we got married.  I really was a naive newlywed who honestly thought she might listen to what I said and we could work on it together.  I suggested that some of her behaviors were symptomatic of BPD and mentioned a book about it.  We even looked through the book at a bookstore.  It was a big mistake.

Actually, I just looked back and this was the subject of my very first post here, September 5, 2006.  https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=46808.msg433067#msg433067

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havana
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« Reply #3 on: March 03, 2010, 10:05:55 AM »

The general consenses is to not confront them with. People that have did not get a very good responce
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ron7127
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« Reply #4 on: March 03, 2010, 10:13:00 AM »

I blurted it out "you are an abusive borderline" , after being called a fu--ing as--ole in front of our kids. I had just disclosed to them that she was moving out in a week and we were divorceing(she was having an affair and had made arrangements to move in with her partner). I guess she felt that telling our kids that their lives were about to be changed, dramatically, offended her.

At least I know she knows that I have her number.
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plaintop
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« Reply #5 on: March 03, 2010, 11:03:46 AM »

What would they think if confronted with this? I'm not 5 years old, so I have no idea. It would be nice to say it, as kind of a, I know you're secret. My guess is that she's heard it before. I'm just trying to plan for an in person confrontation, which I'm sure is inevitable. What the hell do you say?
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lovinghating
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« Reply #6 on: March 03, 2010, 07:27:44 PM »

I did... .guilty as charged here!  He told me that I was the one who needed therapy, and I told him that it was my therapist who said that!  He then told me that I needed a new therapist.

I've been trying to encourage him to get counseling, but so far nothing.  He claims he lives in a "crazy, mixed-up world" but refuses to do anything about it.  His loss!

Kristy
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sosadandone
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« Reply #7 on: March 03, 2010, 08:52:33 PM »

I told him

probably the worst thing I ever did

but he was a doc and I figured once we got a dx it could be treated

man was I ever wrong

even tho the APA now says to tell them in retrospect it did far more harm then any good
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cali girl
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« Reply #8 on: March 03, 2010, 09:14:59 PM »

I blurted it out "you are an abusive borderline" , after being called a fu--ing as--ole in front of our kids. I had just disclosed to them that she was moving out in a week and we were divorceing(she was having an affair and had made arrangements to move in with her partner). I guess she felt that telling our kids that their lives were about to be changed, dramatically, offended her.

At least I know she knows that I have her number.

I love it, you became the bad person - I also missed being cussed out in front of the kids (mine and his), I'm sure the kids are missing that too.

I never actually told my ex he was BPD, but I did get to tell him he was emotionless and heartless - I know this just backfired in my face but at least it made me feel better.
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Valentine09
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« Reply #9 on: March 03, 2010, 09:23:00 PM »

Yep, just the other day.  She agreed at first but then changed her mind and decided she didn't need any help, and that I'm the one who is the problem.

All detailed right here if you haven't read yet:

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=113972.0
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Indigo Sky
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« Reply #10 on: March 04, 2010, 12:03:05 AM »

I did and it was a HUGE mistake.

First I am not a trained doctor, second, I should have just encouraged her to see a doctor... .she would have been a lot more receptive. She suffers from depression and that would have been a good in, she is willing and goes to see doctors for her depression... .I oopsed

I found with my ex, say or phrase something in a wrong context and they never forget it and always will hold onto your words... .better have a professional do the talking.
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Valentine09
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« Reply #11 on: March 04, 2010, 12:26:03 AM »

I'll add that telling them seems to send them deeper into denial and puts them on the offensive.  In my case, I wanted her to stop contacting me and this was probably the best vehicle to get her to stop doing it.  I don't care if she thinks less of me or thinks that I have a problem. 

The fact of the matter is that I didn't say anything that wasn't true, and any normal person that reviews the text-only conversation would see that she's clearly the one with the problem.  You can actually see the contradictions she makes.  I even prefaced it with "promise not to get angry at what I'm about to tell you and do not dismiss it."  She promised, and then the next day she broke that promise.  So telling them is a VERY POINTLESS EXERCISE, if you expect a positive outcome.  But it is very useful if you're looking to cut ties to them.         
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Tippy
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« Reply #12 on: March 04, 2010, 01:29:40 AM »

I sent an email to him a couple of weeks ago with an attachment from this site about BPD.  He has emailed me back several times about other nonsense but has categorically not mentioned the BPD information.  Its just a waste of time.
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Edie
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« Reply #13 on: March 05, 2010, 06:58:44 PM »

I lost in once while he was berating me for something and I told him he was an empty shell of a person.  He had no feelings because if he did there is no way he could treat me the way he did.  I told him he was the devil.  I told him he was mentally ill.  I called him cpt. crazy.  Told him he was a freak.  It was like having an outer body experience.  I went on and on.  His eyes turned from blue to no color.  It was creepy.  Then he left.   Two days later he said the exact same things to me almost word for word.  My experience is that they cannot be insulted.
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2010
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« Reply #14 on: March 05, 2010, 09:11:47 PM »

Any labeling of disorders will be deflected and projected back onto you. This is a character defect- and because it is a character defect, do not expect the partner to be aware of or even have any knowledge about the defect and how it appears to others.

The catch-22 of this is that there is a defect that you can see- and set of defenses that have evolved around that defect that the partner has formed.  This helps to cover up the defect but also makes it transparent to the partner (so they think.)

The defect and its denial relates to the most central element of the human personality: the social interactions. Nothing you can do or say will bring this forward and out into the open UNLESS your separation from the partner  Idea causes it to come out from hiding.

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Metta
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« Reply #15 on: March 05, 2010, 09:26:59 PM »

I have.

Didn't do any good.
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harmony1
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« Reply #16 on: March 05, 2010, 09:39:07 PM »

I have... and no regrets at all  Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)   i called a spade a spade not the best thing... but gives me closure
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cali girl
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« Reply #17 on: March 05, 2010, 09:42:01 PM »

you point the finger at them and all ten are pointed back to you  Welcome
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harmony1
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« Reply #18 on: March 05, 2010, 09:44:08 PM »

you point the finger at them and all ten are pointed back to you  Welcome

but wouldnt that happen anyway? 
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Metta
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« Reply #19 on: March 05, 2010, 09:47:28 PM »

I have... and no regrets at all  Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)   i called a spade a spade not the best thing... but gives me closure

Excellent point.

It felt damn good saying it!
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SoMuchPain
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« Reply #20 on: March 06, 2010, 05:21:28 AM »

yep i told her, even when we were still together and i had yet to really see the craziness.  she told me that a therapist already suggested it.      but yeah, what the hell does she care?
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Satori1964
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« Reply #21 on: March 06, 2010, 06:22:37 AM »

I told her also. I felt really bad after I realized what I did. It did cause our relationship to rupture further, which was fine with me - I had to let her go. All her behavior since then just reinforced my believe that she is very likely BPD. It didn't do any good.

- Ciao
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VB
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« Reply #22 on: March 06, 2010, 11:30:55 AM »

I did. He denied. 
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Backtome09
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« Reply #23 on: March 06, 2010, 12:26:52 PM »

Yes I told him what the problem might be (since his mother is a classic BPD) a few months before moving out. He laughed at it. Laughed in my face about getting help. I think if he knew what I was saying about him (sorry to say he was not very intelligent) he would have flown into a rage. I bet he never even looked it up. There can be nothing wrong with the Prince.
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VB
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« Reply #24 on: March 06, 2010, 12:53:42 PM »

There can be nothing wrong with the Prince.

Ha! That was just like mine. There could not possibly be anything wrong with them! I am the crazy one after all... .
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sosadandone
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« Reply #25 on: March 07, 2010, 02:19:31 PM »

I told mine and he was seeing a worlds expert on it who agreed

all he did was deny, deny, deny

no insight whatsoever
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Awesome Jim
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« Reply #26 on: March 07, 2010, 03:40:13 PM »

I mentioned BPD and NPD once after about a year of dating her on the evening I finally snapped and broke it off with her after her constant push/pull behaviours and telling me she didn't think we should have sex anymore.  She told me to send her some links or something but I never did.

I think she forgot about that but two weeks ago after 3 years of keeping it from her (except that one outburst) I finally told her I though she had BPD after she went on for hours on the phone criticizing, blaming, and emotionally abusing me.  So she Googled it and started reading it and then suddenly snapped on me.  I think I really hit a nerve because she didn't just laugh it off.  I felt so bad immediately.  I called her right back and apologized over and over - I knew because she was so angry that I really hurt her and that's not how or why I ever wanted to tell her.  I just want her to get help and to see her own role in her unhappiness.  She currently goes to a therapist and takes meds but her therapist has never diagnosed her with BPD - likely because she doesn't see it since she is not emotionally connected to her and because my ex is for sure only telling her lop-sided world view of things.  I'm convinced she only goes to a therapist to convince herself she is right - to validate herself by someone in a position of authority and expertise.

She kept telling me how I am "completely unqualified to make such a diagnosis" to which I agreed but reminded her that it doesn't make me wrong either.  I can see personality traits that are extreme, do some research, and figure out a few things all by myself.  She is very narcissistic and has many borderline traits (no cutting or suicide threats - except she has admitted she would kill herself if anything happened to her son - but impulsivity, relationship instability, mood swings, intense anger, shifting goals and identity, self-destructive drinking and risky sex, and fear of engulfment and/or abandonment).  I mean she lost it!  She told me that I am competely unqualified for ANYTHING other than what I do for my job - ridiculous black and white thinking.  I even called her the next day to smooth things over and at first, for like a few seconds, she was all "oh hey how are you?" and then I guess she remembered she was furious with me and just tore a strip up one side and down the other on me.  Once she calmed down I told her about so many of the great things that I love about her and how I had seriously considered buying her an engagement ring months earlier but didn't because something traumatic would always happen with our relationship (driven primarily by her).

I messaged her the next day to ask if she wanted to go to this home show we have near where we live and she said yes like we hadn't faught at all the two days prior.  She waffled back and forth about going or not through text messages due to the cost ($15.00 isn't much and I said I'd pay cuz I invited her so I think there was more than that going on - although she did just want a bit of a rest since she was in her class that day as well).  She called me later in the day and didn't seem angry with me or anything and I told her she didn't have to come at all or we could go next weekend - to which she chose to go the following weekened.  So then she was gung ho about going the next weekend the following Tuesday when I e-mailed her at work that I got free tix.  She then cancelled on me the next day cuz she forgot about some baby shower - I was mad but said nothing.

So last night was just us hanging out for dinner.  She seems to say things to me that are so inappropriate for someone you dated and are still quite close to - about how she is hoping to reunite a relationship at her upcoming high school reunion etc.  It doesn't seem to hurt as much anymore because I think I have just resigned to the fact that even if I do accept her for how she is (and I do) that it is literally impossible to have a healthy relationship with her.
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