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Author Topic: How many would take their ex back if they agreed to therapy?  (Read 5774 times)
sandyb
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« Reply #30 on: March 09, 2010, 03:58:26 AM »

A fools hope?

I think it is worth bearing in mind, that even IF therapy is/was undertaken, and even IF it were successful there is absolutely no guarantee that this would result in the relationship you both hoped, wished, sacrificed perhaps years for in the pursuit.

I would say recovery from BPD is a life changing experience on all levels, who is to say that you will share the same common goals, ambitions, compatibility, and outlook on life? The person you see so much of what you want and need now if it were not just for this "tiny" little issue of BPD getting in the way of the perfect romance might not even exist in post recovery (I think that is rather the point is it not?)

Pinning your hopes to maybes and what ifs in this context while perhaps years of your life, time, energy, further anguish, and even abuse are endured by you both particularly on your terms seems rather sad and cruel to me.

Have you not given enough already?

I believe we all need to take personal responsibility for ourselves, take ownership of our issues and concentrate on our own health and welfare. You, yourself is where the primary commitment lies.


Stepping of  the soapbox now... .   Smiling (click to insert in post)


Sandyb
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AnonNZ
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« Reply #31 on: March 09, 2010, 04:12:54 AM »

I've asked myself this a lot and during the first few months played the conversation over and over in my head to try and find an answer.

Very good question. I think a lot of us ask it, possibly even years out... .

The decision I came to is that the damage is done and regardless of how much therapy she had I would always be watching and waiting for it to emerge again.

My ex didn't cheat, that I know of anyway, flipped out a couple of times, but only really lost the plot once - making some pretty out there and awful accusations that had no basis in reality at all. Whether I wanted it to or not, that would always be in the back of my mind, and I believe to some extent I would be moderating what I said and what I did because of it... .

That's not how I want any future relationship to play out to be honest. I want the space to be myself (and I can be pretty out there at times), to say and do stupid things from time to time and not have to be wondering if it's going to trigger another episode of 'crazy'.

I'll compromise a lot of things in a relationship, but not myself or who I am.
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ForeverDad
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« Reply #32 on: March 09, 2010, 04:13:55 AM »

A definite no, I simply can't risk it.  My ex made so many false allegations of multiple types of misconduct that I would be worse than a blind fool (no slight intended to those visually disadvantaged) to restart a close relationship with her.

Let's see, if any of her false allegations (posturing to gain custody or block my parenting, probably both) would have been believable or believed, I would have spent time in jail or prison, maybe even decades.  So my answer is No, no way.  How could I ever trust she was sufficiently recovered?

Fool me once, shame on you.  Fool me twice, shame on me.  (Actually, I was fooled many times as has happened with so many others here but even us Nice Guys and Nice Gals have limits - once we realize what we're dealing with.  )
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Koro
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« Reply #33 on: March 09, 2010, 09:48:34 AM »

My BPDex is diagnosed. Have went to hospitalizations. But that made things worse, because now she blames me and our relationship for her craziness, hospitalizations and for not being functional.

If they seek therapy, they should seek it because is the best for them, not because they want you back; that's manipulation all over.
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turtlesoup
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« Reply #34 on: March 09, 2010, 09:52:47 AM »

My BPDex is diagnosed. Have went to hospitalizations. But that made things worse, because now she blames me and our relationship for her craziness, hospitalizations and for not being functional.

If they seek therapy, they should seek it because is the best for them, not because they want you back; that's manipulation all over.

Hi Shiro,

My exBPD was twice sectioned and even tried to blame me for the first one which occured before I met her. This is NOT your guilt, no matter how many times she says it is, it is not. She is not a baby, she is a fully grown woman who must learn to become responsible for herself, that is why you have to stay away from her otherwise you are enabling.
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Satori1964
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« Reply #35 on: March 09, 2010, 10:38:27 AM »

No!

I went through hell and back with her and have been burned too many times... .at one point I was willing to give up my world for her... .I will never trust her with my heart again and nothing will convince me that she will get better... .  she is incapable of sustaining a healthy loving relationship... .even if she decides to get better for herself it is too late... .there comes a point when you just have to let go and move on as much as it hurts... .  I am healing and I am moving on with my life... .I need to focus what in front of me... .and this time, it's about me... .

- Ciao
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VB
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« Reply #36 on: March 09, 2010, 10:40:39 AM »

I want the space to be myself (and I can be pretty out there at times), to say and do stupid things from time to time and not have to be wondering if it's going to trigger another episode of 'crazy'.

I'll compromise a lot of things in a relationship, but not myself or who I am.

I like that. It sounds a lot like me. I must admit that I did compromise who I was just so that he wouldn't rage at me... .
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Runningasfastasican
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« Reply #37 on: March 09, 2010, 10:57:56 AM »

Heck no... .my soon to be ex BPDw... .was in therapy... .and as a result she knew all the right things to say... .but still acted and treated me like total SH*(&t... .it made absolutely no difference and cost me a good bit of money... .therapy only works when the person taking it makes and demonstrates a committment to change and takes concrete actions to fix the problems... simply going and just mouthing the right words is meaningless... .at this point even if my ex was serious about it and taking concrete actions, she has burned me too badly to ever trust her again or to take that chance... .so it is NONONONONONO... .NO... .I might even be strange at this point in that I like saying that... .NOPE never again... .take care and good luck
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StillChasing
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« Reply #38 on: March 09, 2010, 11:10:38 AM »

I did this.  I had sworn I would never talk to her again after our eighth break-up, and successfully stayed NC for several months.  But her re-engages, which became more intense, frequent, and pitiful, broke my resolve.  I couldn't stand knowing that the woman I still loved felt so sad, terrified, and alone.

During 'Round 9', she went to get counseling.  Things seemed to get better for a while.  Then, during one of those conversations that isn't an argument yet you can tell things aren't good (most Nons probably know what I'm talking about), she let something slip about being able to get out of work because her boss would probably think she was still going to therapy.  I told I thought she was still going to therapy too.  Apparently, that was a mistake.

That was a few months ago.  Now she's married to somebody else.  Whether or not she's gone back in to therapy to save that relationship, I don't know.  Not my problem now.
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gary1958
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« Reply #39 on: March 09, 2010, 11:14:10 AM »

Very early on as I was still in the FOG. Now 3 years out, although there is still the occasional re-engagement, From what I know... .have healed... .have me back... .NEVER NEVER NEVER !
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Fruit Loop
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« Reply #40 on: March 09, 2010, 03:36:38 PM »

GCD145 / ColumbianChick, 

I'm okay I guess.  I'm just really sad.  It's been a couple months since we broke up.  I just can't believe this has happened to me.  I was a very "normal" guy before this.  No mental health issues.  Now I haven't slept in 2 months.  I talk to two different counselors once or twice a week.  I can't perform well at work.  I'm in pure survival mode. It's the only way for me to deal with it.  Hour by hour, day by day of constant thoughts of her.  I was somewhat of a loner before this and never felt lonely.  Now the lonliness is unbearable.  I miss her, I miss her son, I miss the farm, I miss the dogs, the horses, I just want to go home. 

On top of the break-up, I still have to deal with my divorce from my stbx wife.  My BPDexgf is happy as a clam with her new boyfriend while I'm suffering and she wouldn't care if she knew anyway.  I can't make sense of anything!  It's scary!
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C12P21
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« Reply #41 on: March 10, 2010, 12:07:48 AM »

SDT,

You sound very sad and I know there isn't a darn thing I can say to you to help. I feel for you man, hang in there. We are all here for you and thinking of you.

Where are you living now?   Take care of yourself. We have all been there.

C
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ForeverDad
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You can't reason with the Voice of Unreason...


« Reply #42 on: March 10, 2010, 07:59:30 AM »

sdt, could it be more than just the aftereffects of her being the void in your life?  I am concerned you may be in Depression, not just Depressed.  You should seek out some medical experts to determine whether a state of depression could be complicating and delaying your closure and recovery.  So go see your physician in addition to counselors.  While of course you don't want to become dependent on drugs, you may need help to get over this rough spot.  Meanwhile, get more active in exercising, walking, hiking, and events with other people around.

Sleep deprivation too can prolong or worsen depression, or is it the other way around?  Maybe both ways?

As for sleeping better, some here have mentioned that melatonin can help a person become drowsy and sleep better.  I've also used a half or single tablet of Benadryl (the generics are a small fraction of the cost of the brand name product) to help me stay asleep though the night.
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FinPublic
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« Reply #43 on: March 10, 2010, 08:36:34 AM »

This also sounds like me. I adjusted who I was in order to keep him calm. Guess what? It didn't work.

I normally post on the divorce & custody board, but I pop over here occasionally because to get through the divorce, I need to disengage and keep disengaging. It's a conscious thing.

This is an interesting question. If my stbx were to "agree" to therapy - no, I wouldn't take him back. If he did what I asked - which was to have the two of us commit a year of our lives to learning how to deal with BPD at McLean Hospital, then 'yes,' I'd go with him.

That was always the 'deal' I offered him, and if he were to take me up on it, I would do that. Not sure that's 'taking him back' though.

The relationship would be very different, and I would enter into the family side of the program at McLean as I said I would, but the relationship would not be sexual; it would be platonic.

Because I am so much older than my stbx, there was always a huge huge maternal component to our relationship, and I would accompany him to McLean primarily as a mother.

But this is really a moot question because he will not get help; he prefers being ill. In fact, he has a web page, and the banner on it reads: "King of Mental Illness."

Enough said. He will not ever get help; he will die young and alone, and, if I let it, that would break my heart.

Fin

I want the space to be myself (and I can be pretty out there at times), to say and do stupid things from time to time and not have to be wondering if it's going to trigger another episode of 'crazy'.

I'll compromise a lot of things in a relationship, but not myself or who I am.

I like that. It sounds a lot like me. I must admit that I did compromise who I was just so that he wouldn't rage at me... .

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Fruit Loop
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« Reply #44 on: March 10, 2010, 08:50:22 AM »

C12P21,

Where am I living?  Little background first, which I believe lead to the break-up... .

My 90 year old mother who lives alone fell in December and broke 6 ribs. She has COPD and other health issues.  I had set her up with lifeline several years ago.  She has a lifeline button that she wears in case something happens, she pushes the button and a call goes out to lifeline. They in turn go to a phone list and call the people on the list before they call an ambulance.  I hadn't updated the list is years, never crossed my mind.  Well, I'm sleeping with my BPDgf and get a call at 11:30PM from my stbx wife saying that lifeline called her house(where I used to live)and that my mother had fallen.  I thanked her and told her to call 911 I was on my way.  I lived with my BPDgf about 1/2 hour from my mom.  Before I leave the house my BPD wants to know why Lifeline called my stbx instead of me?  Why didn't I change the number?  

I get to my moms and my stbx is there, she lives 2 minutes away and went in through the back door.  I call my BPDgf to tell her whats going on, she wants to know why my stbx went to the house, how did she get in, does she have a key?

My mom was in the hospital for several days.  My BPD is a nurse in that hosiptal.  She visits my mom and my mom asks her if it's okay if my stbx wife comes to visit her. My BPD says no problem, then says "maybe my stbx and I will get back together".  The BPD hates my stbx involved in my life.

I have my mom transferred to a nursing facility on x-mas eve.   About a week later my BPDgf says we gotta talk and breaks up with me and kicks me out of her house.  Since my mom is in the nursing home I go to her house.  

To make long story short, my mom wants out of the nursing home but they won't release her unless she has 24 hour care.  I hired 2 people to cover days and I cover nights.  I'm 48 years old and I live with my 90 year old mother.  I have a baby monitor by the bed so I can hear if she needs me at night.  How my life has changed, 2.5 months ago I was sleeping with the most beautiful woman I have ever seen, living on a horse farm.  Now I'm living in town sleeping by myself taking care of my 90 year mother.  My stbx wife lives in the beautiful house that I renovated.  I think my BPD knew how much care my mother was going to need and didn't like that my mother and my stbx are friends.  She knew I wasn't going to be at her service 24/7 as I had been.  So, instead of helping me with my mom and dealing with my stbx, she bailed.  I guess I can't really blame her.
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InJourneyThroughOz
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« Reply #45 on: March 10, 2010, 01:03:05 PM »

If I wanted to experience "Roller Coaster from Hell"+stomach ache+hangover again I would try a different one. If i'm to ride the ride I would go for another BPD, not the same. Maybe younger!    hehehehe

o.k., it wasn't funny.

Answer: NO

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trax
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« Reply #46 on: March 10, 2010, 01:29:46 PM »

There was a time that I would have done so in a heartbeat.  Since I realized that he is most likely also a sociopath I have closed that door permanently.

Of course I still have many moments of missing him, in which I have to remind myself who/what he really is.  Its a real struggle for me between what I KNOW and what I desire.
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Manon46
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« Reply #47 on: March 10, 2010, 03:31:31 PM »

When i consider suicide, i would take him back, pretty sure he can push me over the edge Smiling (click to insert in post)

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GCD145
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« Reply #48 on: March 10, 2010, 04:00:16 PM »

C12P21,

I'm 48 years old and I live with my 90 year old mother.  I have a baby monitor by the bed so I can hear if she needs me at night.  How my life has changed, 2.5 months ago I was sleeping with the most beautiful woman I have ever seen, living on a horse farm.  Now I'm living in town sleeping by myself taking care of my 90 year mother.  My stbx wife lives in the beautiful house that I renovated.  I think my BPD knew how much care my mother was going to need and didn't like that my mother and my stbx are friends.  She knew I wasn't going to be at her service 24/7 as I had been.  So, instead of helping me with my mom and dealing with my stbx, she bailed.  I guess I can't really blame her.

Look, SDT, I realize that you're in a bad place.  I can understand how things seem unfair to you.

Having said that, you do seem to be locked in the depths of self-pity.  Some points for you to maybe consider:

1. You know this situation isn't going to last forever- your mom is 90 after all.

2. Beautiful or not, I think you're better off without a fair-weather companion who will ditch you at the first sign of trouble and is interested only in your being at her service 24/7.  Not someone to plan a future with.

With all due respect to you, and not trying to blame you, but maybe the choices you're making about your relationships are not good for you.  

GCD145
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sarah1234
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« Reply #49 on: March 10, 2010, 04:07:30 PM »

If I ever felt like adopting a 26 year old man with a uBPD and a drink problem, then I would just take my ex back. He will never get help. He likes to stalk me a little 

Its going to be a no.
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pallavirajsinghani
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« Reply #50 on: March 10, 2010, 04:10:57 PM »

Agreeing to therapy and then being committed to it, are totally different issues.  Anyone can give millions of promises.  Words are cheap and easy.

More important question is:  What would it take for you to get over the anxiety trigger that you X has become in your mind?  The X's mere presence, mere mention, mere whiff of a little proximity can and most probably does trigger anxiety, paranoia, fear, dread... .all such negativity in you.  So what would it take for YOU to feel normal in their presence?

The answer to the question does not lie in change in them, but in the degree of your own mental health.

The people who love BPD sufferers or have been in close proximity with them for a prolonged period of time, most often begin to suffer from PTSD themselves.

Take care my friend, try to look forward... .

:-)
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Humanity is a stream my friend, and each of us individual drops.  How can you then distinguish one from the other?
C12P21
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« Reply #51 on: March 10, 2010, 11:31:57 PM »

Excerpt
How my life has changed, 2.5 months ago I was sleeping with the most beautiful woman I have ever seen, living on a horse farm.  Now I'm living in town sleeping by myself taking care of my 90 year mother.  My stbx wife lives in the beautiful house that I renovated.  I think my BPD knew how much care my mother was going to need and didn't like that my mother and my stbx are friends.  She knew I wasn't going to be at her service 24/7 as I had been.  So, instead of helping me with my mom and dealing with my stbx, she bailed.  I guess I can't really blame her.

SDT,

You are going through a divorce, a break up, a mother with a terminal condition, and a change in homes. Your stress level must be sky high. About her bailing, a balanced person discusses the issues and says goodbye if they are in over their heads. An emotionally healthy person would even say, "you know, I'm scared you will return to your ex wife". They can admit their fears and needs.

Life throws us curve balls and our mates decide if they are they are in the game or out. You will get through this. Have you thought about going for therapy or do you have a church pastor that might help you through this trying time?

Take care.

C
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