I am gobsmacked

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

I think the title says it all... .i am gobsmacked and numb. i gave my ex another chance yeh I know Oh butterfly what are you doing you dont have to tell me... .well here is why I am gobsmacked... .I receive a call at 1am this morning from Mr BPD he is walking home after been out with his new friends at his new job he tells me in his conversation that if i didnt have my son i would be living with him and evrything would be so different, he asked me to leave the town where i live and move me and my son two hours away to where he lives in our own place just me and my boy and he would keep his unit where he lives now and he would come over heaps what kind of set up is that? he said he wouldnt be able to "handle" my son after a day at work thats why he doesnt want to live with me but he loves me very much but i am a single mother first off so he musnt love who i really am if he not going to ne fully accepting of my son in the way i see fit... .during his outing with his new mates i tried to ring him twice and twice he rejected my call i asked him about it his reply was that he couldnt get his phone out of his pocket properly so why didnt he ring me back to see what i wanted - what was he hiding? so he doesnt want to loose me and he says that he loves me but he expects me to move so far away from home with my boy and rent a place on my own for his convenience? now what tops of this angry outburst i was just going through my mobile looking at photos and videos and i found a video that he took that i didnt know he had when i was last down there with my son, i thought he had taken a photo of me and my son and at the end of the 40second video i was unawares that he had taken he calls me "IDIOT ONE" and my son "IDIOT TWO" is this guy for real? does he think that is funny to me that is down and outright disrespectfull after all i have forgiven him for... .also this is a bit personal but he was sending the bizarest msgs to me once he got home from his outing - asking if i would ever share him with anyone in particular another male of all bloody things and he said that his next door neighbour angela who is a bisexual has a crush on me and would like to watch me and him... .i went off on the phone  i said i am in a relationship when you are in a relationship you do not share who you are with otherwise why be in a relationship in the first place he then turned it round onto me and said i took him the wrong way and he was only joking WHAT THE? i am furious over the occurances over the last 24hrs and have decided i have made a big mistake by not going ahead with my AVO so he couldnt contact me he is NEVER going to grow up and be a mature adult or be accepting of my child in the way i want... .should i be feeling the way i am right now am i being too touchy over the video he secretly took on my phone calling me and my son a idiot... .am i just someone to him to use to facilitate his needs? how can he say he loves me he so convince me that he had changed... .

[Butterfly03]

I think the title says it all... .i am gobsmacked and numb. i gave my ex another chance yeh I know Oh butterfly what are you doing you dont have to tell me... .well here is why I am gobsmacked... .I receive a call at 1am this morning from Mr BPD he is walking home after been out with his new friends at his new job he tells me in his conversation that if i didnt have my son i would be living with him and evrything would be so different, he asked me to leave the town where i live and move me and my son two hours away to where he lives in our own place just me and my boy and he would keep his unit where he lives now and he would come over heaps what kind of set up is that? he said he wouldnt be able to "handle" my son after a day at work thats why he doesnt want to live with me but he loves me very much but i am a single mother first off so he musnt love who i really am if he not going to ne fully accepting of my son in the way i see fit... .during his outing with his new mates i tried to ring him twice and twice he rejected my call i asked him about it his reply was that he couldnt get his phone out of his pocket properly so why didnt he ring me back to see what i wanted - what was he hiding? so he doesnt want to loose me and he says that he loves me but he expects me to move so far away from home with my boy and rent a place on my own for his convenience? now what tops of this angry outburst i was just going through my mobile looking at photos and videos and i found a video that he took that i didnt know he had when i was last down there with my son, i thought he had taken a photo of me and my son and at the end of the 40second video i was unawares that he had taken he calls me "IDIOT ONE" and my son "IDIOT TWO" is this guy for real? does he think that is funny to me that is down and outright disrespectfull after all i have forgiven him for... .also this is a bit personal but he was sending the bizarest msgs to me once he got home from his outing - asking if i would ever share him with anyone in particular another male of all bloody things and he said that his next door neighbour angela who is a bisexual has a crush on me and would like to watch me and him... .i went off on the phone  i said i am in a relationship when you are in a relationship you do not share who you are with otherwise why be in a relationship in the first place he then turned it round onto me and said i took him the wrong way and he was only joking WHAT THE? i am furious over the occurances over the last 24hrs and have decided i have made a big mistake by not going ahead with my AVO so he couldnt contact me he is NEVER going to grow up and be a mature adult or be accepting of my child in the way i want... .should i be feeling the way i am right now am i being too touchy over the video he secretly took on my phone calling me and my son a idiot... .am i just someone to him to use to facilitate his needs? how can he say he loves me he so convince me that he had changed... .

[PlanetBob]

Butterfly03, my heart breaks for you. IMHO if he cannot handle your son then he doesn't deserve you. If he is calling you and your son names then he doesn't deserve you. You already know what you need to do for you and I am confident that you don't want your son exposed to that sort of life. Be strong, stick with your decision and move on. He doesn't deserve you.

x

[Tippy]

Oh butterfly... .no, I am not going to say it as you have said it yourself.  Please, please, please just get away from this awful man. Just treat this little adventure back into oz as a very bad experience and one that should never be repeated... .you went back and learnt another lesson in BPD.  You have graduated now so you need to take your lessons and RUN!

[Butterfly03]

Thanks guys I am so HURT AND UPSET one major step backwards for me

[Tippy]

I am soo sorry for how you feel, when you return to pwBPD all your hopes and dreams of the future come rushing back and you feel great, then it comes crashing down and all that hard work you have done being away from him and trying to build a better life for yourself just ends up in the gutter.  Just start again, grieve some more and just pick yourself up and start again.  The thing is butterfly, this is nothing to do with him now as you know who he is and how he behaves, this is all to do with you now and getting yourself better.  I am feeling so bad for you cos you were so positive and working towards a great new future for you and your son.  You have just taken a slighty wrong path, its time to get back to where you were before you went back to him.  Good luck.

[turtlesoup]

Thanks guys I am so HURT AND UPSET one major step backwards for me

Butterfly, last weekend I made the mistake of picking up emails and got thoroughly hurt and upset. At the time I thought it was a majot step backward for me, but actually it has been one hell of a step forward. Give it a couple of days, you might find this negative contact may just propel you forward. Go easy on yourself.

I think taking a video on your phone and calling you and your son idiot is one of the most immature and not funny things I've heard for a long time, but it doesn't surprise me. Sometimes we are so deeply entrenched in this stuff we lose sight of what is acceptable anymore. Honestly, and bluntly, he sounds like a twat, a twat who doesn't accept your son, and straight off the bat that is unacceptable.

However, im sorry you went thru this but use this to remind yourself of what you deserve and what you are not getting from moron A.

[Want2know]

Thanks guys I am so HURT AND UPSET one major step backwards for me

I know you see it as a step backwards, but you have to look at what happened as something to propel you forward after you process it all.  If it hadn't happened, maybe you wouldn't be able to get to where you're meant to be as quickly - you know, that happy, healthy place where we all aspire to be.

As I always say, live and learn... .now is the time to be kind to yourself and your son.  No regrets!

[Butterfly03]

Thank you for the replies  x

I am filled with so much anger today towards Mr BPD they seem so genuine and sincere when they are nice with their words and actions but it is all an act to get what they want... .he told me the other night that i was his rock what a load of hit_e!

butterfly

[2010]

Get away from that guy.

[Manon46]

RUN... .as far as fast as you can... .

THe fact that he calls you an idiot an your son idiot 2 is horrifying to me...

It is soo disrespectful and humiliating... .i allways felt so grieved into my soul when my exhb said anykind of that stuff to my children... .or called them names...

It makes me    to read tht he calls you 2 that...

It is not a big step backwards, just another chance to see what you have to skip out of your and your sons life... .

Take it and go, never look back...

Stay strong girl, Its you and your son now, or your son and you right now... .x

[Butterfly03]

Thanks Guys! I am totally under agreeance I have to RUN but how the hell do I get out of the situation I have ben thinking bout it all day... .I rang my best friend who is also a single mum and she was disgusted aswell she told me that he doesnt deserve anything but a text message saying "to leave me alone from idiot one". I know he will say it was a joke he would always say it was "a joke" when he got an unfavourable response from me in regards to anything he did or said so what do you guys think?

Do I... .

1) send a simple message "gave you yet another chance you blew leave me alone" msg

or

2) ring him and tell him were through leave me alone

me myself I am going number one because personally I don't think he deserves from me the respect of a call to end it all plus I don't think I could handle listening to him when I tell him - I am expecting suicide threats like in the past - the next couple of days aint going to be easy... .

butterfly 

[Im.okay.now]

If was in your shoes ... .i would just send him a simple note that says that you "have thought about this for the last couple of days and do not wish to pursue this relationship any further. Please do not contact me anymore".

I'm no expert but i did learn a few things from my BPD experience. I would just take the high road and keep it clean. Anything else and you might end up getting dragged down to his level.

[Manon46]

Considering the fact you refer to me as an idiot:

We are over and done... and i am NOT joking... .

Oh and if you are going to kill yourself... .don't tell me... it is probably a joke...

Y.S, idiot 1 and 2

[wonderingwhattodo]

Option One for sure! Listen to Im.okay.now!

Then NC all the way!

Good luck with it - read my post about breaking NC for some reassurance that it is the way to go!

I sent a one line mail - oops!

If you want to contact him contact us instead!

Keep strong!

Good luck and take care - and just remember that like any addiction there are bound to be relapses so don't give yourself a hard time just learn each time!  x

[Butterfly03]

It is Easter Sunday here in Australia. Just want to wish all my dear supportive friends here at bpdfamily.com a Happy Easter!  x  x  x

Still thinking of my wording with my message to end it all pretty stressed with his reaction he told me I was his "rock" and he would be "lost without me" a couple of nights ago.

Butterfly 

[Manon46]

Easter over here too ... .

Wishing you and all bpdfamily.com friends, happy easter... x

You are his rock which keeps him from drowning, or you can be the rock he crashes his boat on... .

What do you prefer? You are much to valuable to be called an idiot... be the rock for your son and you... .your son is the one who will be lost without you... .

To be called like that is very humiliating... .and probably when he says it s a joke, you are questioning yourself if you are overreacting?

Well you don't, it is not the only thing he did... .

He is totally respectless, as they all are... .

It is not what you want for you and your son, just send him a text or email with short explanation of what you think and be a rock in N/C... .

x

[wonderingwhattodo]

I'm with you manon46

Give your son and yourself the respect you deserve! If this is not mirrored by your partner, or anyone else for that matter, then they are not worthy of you!

Happy Easter beautiful people  x

[Butterfly03]

Thanks Guys.

Ive been LC with Mr BPD and am sending him a short n sweet text tomorrow and thats it. NC. I do not want to end it with my son here he goes to his dads for a week tomorrow and I thought it is best to not have my son here when I end it... .it is going to be one hell of ride I know as a fact I have had him rock up at my place out of the blue when i have ended it before, suicide threats, threats of all different nature text to me the normal BPD stuff before... .I have only spoken to him once today and I must of being different on the phone he kept on asking me what was wrong, I mentioned to him how I was going to start Taekwondo on Wednesday Night and he freaked out saying "what on earth would you want to do that for? that is so not you" - yes, I am far too independant for Mr BPD to keep me "controlled" these days... .I mentioned I was going to start looking for a part time job near where I live, he didnt like that idea either told me to get a job near where he lives and move near him - YEH RIGHT!

My son and I deserve better... .

Butterfly

[rosebud]

My son and I deserve better... .

YES you do!    x

[Manon46]

YES !

It is a very good idea to have your son out...

Wishing you the strength and courage all the way...

Good for you, you both deserve much much better ! x

[wonderingwhattodo]

Yes you do deserve better!

Only you know what is right for you and your son - not him!

I felt way too independent for my Mr. BPD too!

Because we are! and because we are worth it!

Good luck with it!  x

[little doggy]

Butterfly, I've just finished eating my Easter Bilby (go Aussies !). I just wanted to say Well Done and best wishes. I wish I could say it will be an easy road from now on but I can't. Its a tough road ahead. But you have made the absolutely right decision. Get out, get away, get rid of this idiot. Look after youself and your son.it takes courage to change things that are wrong. You've bravely taken the first step and its a great step forward.Take care

[Butterfly03]

Hey thanks for the replies my bpdfamily.com friends    and Gday my fellow Aussie little doggy I hope it's a Cadbury little Bilby you cant beat cadbury chocolate!

I am going to have a good hit_ now so excuse me... .Mr BPD rang tonight and I answered cause if I dont i get showered with "dont you love me anymore" messages. The contents of his conversation has pissed me off to no end... .it is my birthday coming up this weekend coming and I have got my son... .he has got the ordassity to tell me that I should organise my ex husband to have my son as he will not take me out for dinner for my birthday if I have him... .I had my son this weekend which was meant to be my ex husbands weekend but he had to work being public holidays for easter as he is the boss where he works so that means that I will be having my son three weekends in a row which Mr BPD is upset about ofcourse, thinks its unfair but deep down inside I know he is only thinking of himself wanting time with just me and not me and my son. He then turned around after saying I think it is only fair that I get my exhusband to take my son this weekend coming to not turn round later this week and blame him-Mr BPD for making me given up time with my son for him like I have in the past (which I have) the conversation totally bamboozled me and my head is foggy as... .is he putting a guilt trip on me? what on earth is this guy about? We made a promise that we wouldnt bring up the past I asked him why he was bringing up the past for his reply was do you want to fight? why are you carrying on for? If your going to carry on like that maybe we shouldnt be together. This is after a message from him saying that he hoped I was always in his world. How on earth was I carrying on? OHHHHH GEZ please bring on tomorrow I want this over... . 

Butterfly

[little doggy]

Haighs bilby !

Your bp is just full of cr*p. Selfish and self interested.he will try every dirty trick in the book to make you feel bad and bring on the FOG. Mine did and still does. Get help. A good T is important. You will need support beyond these boards but happy if you vent here too. You and your son deserve better.

[Butterfly03]

Thanks for the reply little doggy... .

he totally fogged me before! planted the seed in my head to get rid of my son to my ex husband for my birthday weekend then turn round later in the convo to say not to blame him for doing it... .man this guy tries to manipulate me to get what he wants and unfortunately it is just me and not my son... .just last thurs he rang me and said we would be living together if you didnt have your son... .how rude is that... .he gives me the hit_s now with how selfish and self centred he is... .he needs to be with a mega hit_ to keep him in place that has no children... .or he is going to end up a lonely old man from his selfishness... .

i choose my son over this hit_ anyday thats for sure... .i rather be on my own and lonely the rest of my life than be treated the way i am by this guy... .at least i can do what i want on my own and i am going to taekwondo tomorrow whether he likes it or not... .

butterfly

[little doggy]

You go girl. To use some Aussie slang "he's a knob".

[Butterfly03]

ohhhh   i agree... .my girlfriend calls him the wanker and she thanked god that he did the "idiot video" on my phone to finally make me wake up to the posessive tool he is. He honestly had me convinced that he had changed but i dont think he ever will... .

[rosebud]

Butterfly, are you going to be safe this weekend?  This guy is so unstable and manipulative, I'm concerned your text may set him off.  :)o you have somewhere else you could go when you text him that it's over?  Some understanding family or friends you could bunk with over the weekend?  pwBPD like to up the ante, and if he's been suicidal before and that didn't work you may want to take precautions for yourself.  Likely nothing will happen (don't mean to be sound dramatic and scare you)...  When you're dealing with the unpredictable, best to prepare for anything.  We want you safe girl.  x


modified to add ~>  I reread and noticed you were doing this today, not next weekend... .(should've read more thoroughly)  Be safe.

[Butterfly03]

Thanks for the concern Rosebud. I live with my parents so I should be ok. If he turns up here I will just ring the police.

I feel so bad dont know why that just proves Im not BPD Ive already received a "I love you so much" text from him and its only 7.30am... .I dont doubt that he does actually love me in his way but I cant be with someone suffering this illness for my sons sake if anything... .he is too unstable to be around my child... .so here I go today is the day back to counting my NC days... .:'( :'( :'( :'( :'( :'(

Butterfly  

[rosebud]

Thanks for the concern Rosebud. I live with my parents so I should be ok. If he turns up here I will just ring the police.

I feel so bad dont know why that just proves Im not BPD Ive already received a "I love you so much" text from him and its only 7.30am... .I dont doubt that he does actually love me in his way but I cant be with someone suffering this illness for my sons sake if anything... .he is too unstable to be around my child... .so here I go today is the day back to counting my NC days... .:'( :'( :'( :'( :'( :'(

Butterfly  

That's it exactly.  Whenever those doubts creep in (that's what he wants)... .just think about your son.  If we can't do it for ourselves, us mommies gotta do what we gotta do for our babies.