Do they target the weak/the 'too nice' types?

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

I really can't imagine anyone who is healthy emotionally or strong landing with my ex. I'm to vulnerable/forgiving/nice... .anyone else think they know who they can 'use'

[whyme87]

I really can't imagine anyone who is healthy emotionally or strong landing with my ex. I'm to vulnerable/forgiving/nice... .anyone else think they know who they can 'use'

[fogbound]

In the book, Stop Walking on Eggshells the author writes that is almost seems like BPD's have a 6th sense for picking us out. It's almost like they can see our "halo" when others can't.

[ron7127]

Maybe. I am pretty nice. But, in most areas of my life , I am pretty strong and resilient, I think. I am surviving serial cheating and abuse, and holding down my job etc.

I just think that for many of us, this is our first encounter with this type of person and we simply did not know what they were truly like. Once we find out, most get out and are better prepared for these types down the road.

[Stargirl]

I could afterwards see what really happened on our first date, the small, finetuned things he showed me (we all do things like that on a first date I guess, not something especially done by BPD´s) and then he saw that it was things that really worked on me (I don´t think it was consciously and "planned" by him as it sounds when I write it like this, I just don´t find better words right now) and it probably, very quick made him feel that he had finally found "the one" (like every other time... ). I think it also has to do with when they enter our lives.

[havana]

I have never subscribed to this. I met mine in HS. She wasn't even a fully developed pwBPD. We like them because they are fun & exciting in the beginning. Who wouldn't? We try to save the r/s. Who wouldn't?

I don't think they can look in a room & pick someone out. They see what's available & pick one. we become the type of people they would pick after they pick us.

[Lost In Space]

I was beginning to reply to this thread with "No, I'm no saint & I certainly don't have a halo."... .

Then I remembered that 15 years ago (when we first met) I was a really good guy. Open mind

& open heart... I judged nobody, trusted everybody & loved life... Not so much any more though...

So maybe they can, yes...

[MxMan]

I have never subscribed to this. I met mine in HS. She wasn't even a fully developed pwBPD. We like them because they are fun & exciting in the beginning. Who wouldn't? We try to save the r/s. Who wouldn't?

I don't think they can look in a room & pick someone out. They see what's available & pick one. we become the type of people they would pick after they pick us.

yeah I dont either. Honestly I think our shortcomings cause us to stay and get too enmeshed, put up with behavior that is deplorable, even after we KNOW things are terribly wrong. Most people I know would have run the other way based on what they knew about my ex. I dont believe theres any specific type that a person with BPD "targets" intentionally. If anything I think it's often the Non that unintentionally (or unconsciously is perhaps the better word) targets the type of dynamic that opens up the door for a relationship with a person that has BPD. I for one am now of the mindset that I would have ended up here eventually.

[FreeatLast]

I was beginning to reply to this thread with "No, I'm no saint & I certainly don't have a halo."... .

Then I remembered that 15 years ago (when we first met) I was a really good guy. Open mind

& open heart... I judged nobody, trusted everybody & loved life... Not so much any more though...

So maybe they can, yes...

I could have written that.

Just change genders... .

[2010]

Yes, they target. But the truly difficult part to consider is why the targeted people stay.

[sarah1234]

I don't consider myself 'too nice' but it is what all my friends and family always say to me.

I translate that into a nice way to say 'you are a fricking doormat who like charity cases and finds it hard to say NO to people'

I actually used to be exactly that at work, and lost a great job opportunity because I allowed my boss to bully me. I was only young and now in my current job have learnt a lot about not caring so much about 'letting other people down' by saying no to things I do not feel comfortable with.

[fishguy204]

I think they always target guys who have some weakness.Mine either was with young good looking guys who have money problems or older unattractive guys who are well off.She seems disinterested in good looking guys with money probabley because of abandonment concerns.

[LostFound]

I'm pretty sure mine "targeted" me because I had just gone through a divorce and may have seemed lonely to her.  She was also going through a divorce (though now I think the whole divorce on her end STARTED when she met me) and we spent evenings chatting online about our failed relationships.  She knew I was vulnerable and she just kept at it until I agreed to go out with her.  And go out with her I mean be her "boyfriend" after one date!  Seemed like a good idea at the time... .

[David Dare]

I can't say "they target" because I had experience with only one udBPD.  I actually initiated the romance, so she targeting me would not me applicable, I thinkr.  Things were going swimmingly.  Then, she came on hardcore, very flattering, the idealization phase.  It seemed unreal.  If I had to make a decision, I think she was just behaving the way she knows how.  She was very honest about her past, even warned me to prepare for the rollercoaster.  I honestly think she tried to be "good".  I can only speak for her though, not the other BPD individuals who are all different.

[kly]

I met one online.  Have to say, there were other guys who sent up   in their e-mails.  Not just the overtly disgusting ones, but the ones who seemed like they might be okay.  But, he was high functioning, and seemed really interesting.  (Turns out a little too interesting... .but, I digress. LOL)

I'm guessing there may have been other women who saw the   that I missed?  So maybe there is some moth gene in us that draws us to the flame. 

It turned out BP was quite a player.  He just tosses out a lot of lines and sees what bites.

[It_seemed_fine]

  But, he was high functioning, and seemed really interesting.  (Turns out a little too interesting... .but, I digress. LOL)

I'm guessing there may have been other women who saw the   that I missed?  So maybe there is some moth gene in us that draws us to the flame. 

It turned out BP was quite a player.  He just tosses out a lot of lines and sees what bites.

I can change he to she and it is the same. (not the internet part)  I met mine in person.  I remember the puppy dog eyes, and the way she melted.  I used the term "red flags" also, before finding this board, but I used it to mean that the guys with her before me must have seen something I didn't.  I wonder about the moth gene.  I was not a white knight, nor am I overly sensitive to accolades. 

I found it entertaining to watch her melt.  I had no interest in her, sexually or for a relationship, rather I was using (manipulating) her to introduce me into her network so I could break into the field.  It worked great for quite awhile.  But I already had a love interest, so I strung this one out for awhile.

So I think I saw the red flags, and used it to my advantage.  But, using the "moth gene" analogy, at some point she cranked up the adoration to an unbelievable level, and in combination with the incredible sex I think the hook got set in me, and here I am a burned moth.

bottom line in my case -- I was playing with fire I thought I could control and then it flared up (adoration, sex, whatever she could come up with that would interest me) and I got sucked in. (But then again, I thought she was relatively normal and just had a crush)  I had no idea those puppy eyes were attached to the monster underneath that beautiful body.  I was baited and switched.

[waylander]

to dave dare, intresting post, i too was warned, she would say things like, i will _____ it up, it will get messy , i cant have a relationship with you right now , but at the same time giving me enough hope to keep me there, MANIPULATION,they are masters at it, i was kept confused ,confused enough to continue being close to her, that is their game ,use abuse dump, bottom line is anyone who seems to be a genuine human being , honest with principals ,is fair game , i think when they find themselves up against , more devious souls, they leave them very quickly, and find what they consider to be a weaker option, cheers... .w

[SoMuchPain]

i dunno about any of this.

mine seemed to not be able to be with me because of how "good" i was.  perhaps i was with an ultra self-destructive one, but she would tell me that i was too good, too loyal, too nice to her, she doesn't deserve it ... .when she'd leave me she'd tell me how she wished an angel would pop out of nowhere to be with me because i deserved someone amazing.  (these were the only times she was genuinely nice to me).  she is now with the lowest scum of the earth, and when i asked her why she could be with her and not me, she said "you would understand if you knew ******"  yeah i understand, she brings herself down to be with trash ... .whether it's because she thinks that's all she deserves, or she can finally feel like a better person than the one she's with --- who knows. 

either way, no.  had i stayed a bi*tch and kept my "cool", we'd probably still be together.

[veryconcerned47]

I would imagine that there would be many variations on this. I totally agree with the fun and exciting part. That is exactly why I choose to ignore the red flags. She was so much fun, very exciting and very sexual in the most dreamlike way. It's almost like it felt so good, so I rationalized, don't worry, be happy, don't look a gift horse in the mouth whatever that saying means.

I have never subscribed to this. I met mine in HS. She wasn't even a fully developed pwBPD. We like them because they are fun & exciting in the beginning. Who wouldn't? We try to save the r/s. Who wouldn't?

I don't think they can look in a room & pick someone out. They see what's available & pick one. we become the type of people they would pick after they pick us.

[It_seemed_fine]

i dunno about any of this.

mine seemed to not be able to be with me because of how "good" i was... .  .  she is now with the lowest scum of the earth... .  yeah i understand, she brings herself down to be with trash ... .whether it's because she thinks that's all she deserves, or she can finally feel like a better person than the one she's with --- who knows. 

either way, no.  had i stayed a bi*tch and kept my "cool", we'd probably still be together.

SMP -- These factors mirror mine -- and caused me considerable confusion. 

1) When discussed how you can have sex with the scum of the earth, but not me (after the initial mind-blowing couple of months) -- the response was:  "I can have sex with people I don't care about because if I got pregnant I could have an abortion, but I can't have sex with you because I love you and would have to keep the baby."  (And she believed she was deeply catholic/anti-abortion).  Made my head spin.

2)  The scum of the earth. Yup, same here -- I just called it "lowest common denominator" -- I have slightly different theory in addition to the theory that "its all they feel they deserve" -- Mine went after younger (40yo w/ 22 y.o) and Im not sure that maybe that was an age at which they have a lot of anger at a prior boyfriend that hurt them. (so they are exacting revenge?). 

I am clearly convinced that the extremely low standards were not an attempt to embarrass or hurt me - I have learned she clearly didn't do it with any understanding of me.  "I did it for ME, It was for me, I didn't do it against you... .I did it for ME, I needed it"  And seeing the "out of sight, out of mind that is common on this board, I think she spoke the truth (not a common occurrence).

Also, I think there is a control issue.  When I caught her red-handed the first time, she told me that she felt in control.  Didn't seem like it to me, but she explained to me that she was in control "because she permitted him to do whatever he wanted to do to her"  She could have given me that option, but never did.  And its definitely flawed logic that she was in control, but that's what it looks like through her eyes. 

[Interestedparty]

He just tosses out a lot of lines and sees what bites.

I agree totally.

Each BPD is a slight variation on the same theme but I think that BPD's look intently to what your

'reaction' is, if you bite, they crank it up a notch... .

If they play the victim card and you buy it, they crank it up, tuning in to the 'rescuer type'.

They could run the same lines to someone else and they would just go 'Oh really' and be looking at their watch. Say it to a certain type of person and they are the 'Aahhhh... .there... .there'... .type... .'I will help you, I won't let you down, I will find the solution to your problems', type... .

Then the BPD knows who you are.

Or the BPD can run the 'EGO' card... ... .tell you how beautiful/handsome you are, never met a man or woman like you in my life within 10 minutes of meeting you, etc. One person can spot it as a line and say 'C'mon cut the crap!'. Another can lap it up and become a lap dog after that... .then they know you... .

They don't necessarily walk into a room and pick you out. It is not as blatant as that. It needs interaction from you.

You could be anyone but they will run their lines and see what bites.

Some will like to chose the sweet, passive, easy-going malable types that you can charm and once hooked you can walk out of the door 100 times and know that you can walk back in again and others will like the fiesty, give you a run for your money type and the BPD will be guaranteed and love the drama and fireworks of not being able to get their own way and they can relish in being the 'victim' of this 'abusive' person.

They will check out who you are from what you show them.

[It_seemed_fine]

I understand that this thread opines that either someone 1) plays the white knight, or 2) their ego is stroked.

Mine (High-performing) tried both approaches on me, with minimal success.  As I said in another post, i was using her for job contacts initially.  I saw the puppy dog eyes, and figured she had a "crush" on me.  A lot easier to get help from someone that likes you.  (I should have known, however, that a 29 year old should not get a "crush". 

Similarly, she tried the white knight approach.  Saying I was "her rock."  I laughed inside when she told me this, because I knew I wasn't what she thought I was. 

So, she didn't read me, because neither method worked on me.  If anything, it was her "charm" and the always being happy.  I knew she was happy all the time, even when someone normally wouldn't be, and she was a gem to be around just because it was a happy atmosphere.

I think for me it was the amount of time that I spent with her that ultimately made me be with her.  I had even told friends and family that she was too happy, but that if it was an insanity, at least it was harmless.  (OR SO I THOUGHT). 

Over time, an attachment grew, but in my case it was probably familiarity.  Yes, there were the angry stages, but I simply wrote those off to work, as we both had very stressful jobs -- so when there was a complaint about someone at work, or a working condition it wasn't much of a stretch.

I also think (off topic) that she did get better with time, and that providing a safe environment for her did help her.  (this is contrary to the "let them fall" approach).  Much like a stray dog, you have to build up their trust over time.  I did.  But that didn't cure her, however, it did make the "happy periods" last for months at a time. The down cycle went for maybe a day or two, and then months of "happy" times.  It seemed to me not that far off from a normal relationship, other than the "happiness" was extreme and often at times when it was improper.