SURVEY | Break-up/make-up cycles

[maraki]

First break-up was early in the r/s when something just didn't seem right with herred-flag  , ALWAYS trust your instincts.  She left crying but later came back claiming pregnancy (a lie).  But besides that the first 3+ months were bliss. 

The last 2+ months were hell.  She would leave me at least once a week expecting me to beg her to come back.  Told her early on that would never happen.  So she would come back with apologies and promises to seek treatment (she never did). 

Stopped counting at 10 breakups but there was probably at least 16.  She would often have a hissy fit, pack up her stuff, leave, and then come back twice in a week!  It's almost as if she just wanted drama and rough make up sex.  And her friend told me that during the breakups she was with my eventual replacement.     

None of my friends or family believed that we would ever really break up.  There was always another 'final' breakup followed by yet another reunion.  Truth of the matter is I pitied her and honestly wanted to help her get better.  So it was a mercy when she finally found another to fixate on.  Hard to admit but I was incapable of abandoning her, she had to set me free.

Looking back a person wonders how why they put up with all that b*ll ___? 

[Goose]

We had MANY break-ups, too many to count. Sometimes weekly.

Since the last one which was engaged by him (and reinforced by me) it's been 12 weeks - I had to count there and I can't believe it's been so long. He called every two weeks after break-up without me answering until the 26th of November when I answered. It gave nothing but a whole lot of grief, he was in the sad-puppy mode apologizing, taking responsibility and wondering how I was yada yada. I didn't let him say much though but spent 7 minutes hollering my anger out to him before I told him to f off and hung up. He sent a text some 30 minutes after that with wellwishes like "hope you have a good life I love you from the bottom of my heart". I didn't respond and since then it has been silent again.

I don't really know why we had all these cycles, but I wasn't very much better than he was for some time - ashamed to say. Small things easily become ":)on't contact me anymore". Silly it seems now but relationship was toxic. We had a somewhat serious breakup 1 year and 3 months ago engaged by me but I broke it after 3 weeks, I couldn't cope with the agonizing pain. I don't really know why this break-up this is different, but I think somehow I am different now than I was before. I started university last fall, met new friends, had people interested in me without ever being abusive and that made me feel stronger. The isolation I had during the time with him was being lifted and I think he was threatened by it aswell, me not really reacting to when he put a spanner in the works also.

It's still hard though, many things in my daily life that makes me miss him and want to re-engage but I still havent.

[OverBoard]

Dating: She ended up about 5 times in 3 months... more push as hard as she could and then she'd pull even harder.

She moved in with me into my home. I was never so happy. This was the woman I wanted. She wanted me and us. First six months: wonderful. Communication, discussions, plans, hopes, dreams, laughter, great sex, passion, compassion... you name it. Then on the 7th month... a switch flipped. Rages started over the silliest things. Her drinking increased, lies, deceit, anger, verbal abuse, physical attacks, cops at my house, she was arrested a few times, ... .each time I moved her out and said "ENOUGH"... she came back. Four times.

The last time I moved her out in July... I made it clear we were done and provided gathered proof to her infidelity, lies, forging my name on documents, deceit, (I had to keylog and record conversations in my home... it got to that point where I NEEDED proof because she was making me think I was going insane). When I had the proof, I moved her out.

It's been 6 months. Dont' see her coming back ever. She has already attached to several new hosts and formed a new skin with others.

[brenbabe]

He was with me for almost a year, was fantastic, like a honeymoon. Then poof he disappears out of my life for no apparent reason. Is gone three years never contacting me , then poof returns and calls me out of the blue. We began seeing one another again, but he disappears for a week then drops by for a few days and keeps repeating that pattern. Then he sees me every day for a few weeks , only at night though sleeping at my apartment and never on a weekend. he raged at me sept 28 and I was totally done gone, adios creepo ! I guess its been like 5 times. whats interesting to me is we had never had so much as a disagreement so I knew his leaving was never due to fighting. seemed he would just walk away.

[ijustdontkno]

I was with my exBPDbf for five years it was always me that tried to walk away oh so many times after being raged at or finding out about another girls he always managed to charm me back this time i believe is final sent a message saying we cant be friends anymore his simply reply by text was "ok no worries please send me my stuff back by post that you have left at your place please do not ring me or get in touch with me again my love for you has perished" he has never replied in this manor before always had an excuse to text or ring me.

[Marcie]

Lets just say that I was in a wrecked place when I first met him. i was on drugs. I was desperate. I was a serial lier. But I changed my ways big time. I became his little stepford girlfriend. paid all my debt off. A car, and rebuilt my buisness and got a high paying position at a good company. I was trying to prove him wrong about who he thought I was so bad.


The first time we broke up because he didn't want to be in a relationship. I told him I thought I was pregnant to get him to take my calls. Then I realized i wasn't pregnant but by that time I thought I had him hooked. little did I know I was the one that go hooked.


The 2nd time I returned because i thought it was my fault since he found a pipe on me. He kicked me out of the house. I was not wearing any shoes.He took me to my car I had left at a bar.I was doing drugs. I stopped doing them and returned to him thinking this would make things good between us now.


The third time we broke up because he found out I had been talking to some guys at a party to score some dope. This was before he had found the pipe that I has been asking them. So at the time I had stopped using already. He packed up all my stuff and put it in a box outside the door. So I went back because I thought he had a right to be upset. & I wanted to prove to him that I was reformed.

The 4th time we broke up because he threw a party with strippers for his little brother and said that I couldn't come to the party. The day after the party we were supposed to hang out and he was not at my house at the time he said he would be so I drove over to his place and gave him the key to the house.

The 5th time we broke up because we were on our way to my families for easter and he was being rude and moody and I called him out on it and he got so pissed and turned the car around and dropped me off. He later said he didn't want to be in a relationship we broke up for 6 months. I took him back because I thought he had realized finally that he wanted to be with me.

The 6th time we broke up because we were looking to buy a house together and he then tells me he is buying that house just him and his dad. I will not be on the title. So I broke up with him. He didn't end up buying a house. We were broken up for 2 weeks.

The 7th time we broke up was because I found out that during those 2 weeks he hit on 2 girls. We were broken up for about 4 days. He then moved in with me and we didn't break up for 4 years.


The 8th time we broke up was this last time. We were looking to buy a house again and he flipped out from the stress and started giving me the silent treatment for 2 weeks and said that he did not know what he wanted anymore. I had a nervous breakdown and realized that I needed to kick him out. He tried getting me back and is still trying, but already has another girlfriend.

[Crazy for a BPD]

At least a dozen MAJOR breakups - usually lasting 1 - 2 weeks. And a plethora of minor breakups - which include the half-ass ones - usually only lasting hours to a couple of days.

My friends and family were so sick of hearing me whine about breaking up, and how that this was "FOR REAL" this time, that they just began to roll there eyes. I guess this is one of the reasons why my support system was piss poor when we finally did break up - I had cried wolf enough times, that when the wolf reared its ugly face, no one believed me.

Oh boy, you described my relationship with my BPDGF to a tee. I can so relate. The thing that always put a smile on face was how my BPD was sick of drama and "wanted an adult relationship." I would quietly say to myself start acting like an adult and mabey we can.

[DragonHeart]

In the 9 months or so I was with her, we must have recycled at least 15 times. I was always ready to move on, but she'd beg and plead with me over the phone to get back with her.

How many times did you get drawn back in and recycle?

[LML70]

4 times over 8 years. The longest stretch apart was almost 2 years. This time it lasted 8 months and I couldn't do it any longer. Finally too many times of my betrayal button being hit and enough time apart to know better. I sure wish I knew about this site after the 2nd break up though. 

[ReclaimedLife]

Way too many times over the course of 18 years.

[LML70]

Alex: I am in the process of figuring that out. What I do Know is that after all that time I thought she had really changed. She had been in therapy for 2 years and a lot of her behaviors were no longer apparent. She was also on meds for her adhd which I was not aware of until she stopped taking them. I also was in a very vulnerable period and "poof" she appeared. My T says she is the ultimate Master of Manipulation. I also know that I was unaware of my own Co Dependence and at the time I was needing comfort. Part of my story is seeking (unknowingly at the time) chaos as a means of comfort due to my own abandonment issues. One other false belief I held was that we created all the damage to one another so we were the only ones that could heal it. I really believed this. Until now. Now I know healing from Co Dependence is not like allergy shots if you will. I can't build up an immunity by inflicting small doses of the allergen. Honesty and self awareness is the key. Had I not let denial creep in and was truly honest with myself, I knew better.   

[daydreambeliever]

Oh little update just did calculations and was up in the late 40s/early 50s 

[Robhart]

After 2 years and lots of drunken abusive behaviors I pulled the plug.I didn't know about her cheating  and flirting and I thought if she stopped drinking all would be well.

During our 3 month break up I learned about BPD.Of course she lasted about a month after the break up before she was hooked up with someone else.I came back partially because  I thought the new guy would take advantage of her.

So the slate was wiped clean and we were starting out fresh.The new guy was now out of town for  several  months but I found out she was still calling him etc.She gave me several  lies about that.I fortunately now  knew about BPD and she was the poster child for a  BPD woman.

Last time I saw her she had another bar guy "friend",was still calling the new guy and looking for even more guys.Plus the drinking and abuse was still there.

That seemed to be the deal breaker for me  and haven't seen her for 6 months or talked to her for 5 months.

So I can say "only one time going back" but if it wasn't for this board who knows?

Thanks everyone!

[OTH]

twice as lovers, once as friends. We did have periods living together were we would barely talk to each other and not sleep in the same room

I wasn't so bad on this one. 

[newlife3]

   

Once. I asked him to leave, apart for 1 month... Instead of listening to my intitution I took him back believing his words that he was going to work on his stuff and was no longer ambivalent...

[FindingMe2011]

Wife would threaten divorce about 2-3 times a year, maybe more. My mom later confessed that wife told her she did this to get me to do what she needed, for her to be OK. Later in r/s, when she threatened. I would tell her to do what she needed to, she was asking me to accomplish the impossible, I was burnt.

[SunflowerFields]

Must have been around 30.

The more intimate we got, the more frequent they got.

The first two years, when we were LD, afterthe first 3 quiet and wonderful months, it was about once a month, for minors blowup. Several "major" ones lasting at most 2 weeks.

When we became local, it became more frequent. They happened just after the times we would get very close. As the crescendo to his divorce was rising, the more frequent it became.

In the last 2 months, we couldn't go more than a week without a breakup. It became truly horrific. The worst part was, without any reason at all in my mind.

[kampuniform]

-The first eight months with her were the most incredible of my life, and the last three were hell on Earth.  I break up with her, and she returns two months later as if nothing had ever happened.

-One month of utter hell.  I leave her again.  She returns two months later as if nothing had ever happened.

-Three-and-a-half amazingly good months before the insanity commences again.  At the first sign of nonsense, I start to pull away.  Two days later, she breaks up with me…sort of.  We drag it out with LC for two months. She wants to remain in contact after the break-up, and I say no.  I get tired and frustrated with her dithering, and ask her to never contact me again.

- ?  Who can say, but I wouldn't be shocked if I received a call from her within the next year.

[Willy]

She returns two months later as if nothing had ever happened.

The first time this happened, she also talked and acted as if nothing happened. I asked her to please please talk about it and open up. The first time that I (as a GUY and a introvert one for that matter) pleaded a GF to talk and please open up.

One of the last conservations we had as a romantic couple was her explaining she can't talk about her true emotions, because it hurts so much to talk about it. This I think was very true. I still think she was/is afraid that showing her inner core will scare people of.

Two times she slipped though after we broke up, when she said she always feels so empty and that she has a real fear of abandonment.

[nona]

This is the first time I have left UBPDH .

I was forced socially to have spome contact with him through spiritual ceremonies/etc.

It made me weaker, mushy boundaries, made me temporarily hopeful and less in reality about the truth.

fortunately he treated me like s**** last Sunday at the very end when I tried to say goodbye and Hug him (STUPID me... .I have a no contact order to PROTECT me from him)... .a good reminder.

Staying with as little contact as I could squeak by with for this week has been a tremendous help to breking my addictive/ grieving feelings that make me fantasize.

just one week of distance made a huge difference for me!

I noticed today I remember the worst things. The things that keep me away and committed to keeping dd away as much as possible which is not possible as he has got equal res. time through the courts.

gagme

I am so grateful to remember the truth.

He has not been safe for us. we were all physically ill by the time i left.

I am prayiong for an opening in my brain and the universe for a miracle.

A way to document the truth.

the truth is very different than the things I tell myself when I am imagining some way we could possiblty work it out.

Im rambling.

Just struck at how powerful NC is at reducing the symptoms, and keeping my head clear YIPPEE!

And I have to see him for 4-5 days this coming week.

I have big resolve inside to remain NC.

It will require me expressing my ned for support in boundary setting from the larger community, and that is just how it is.

They contributed to our sickness last week with their denial, and it seems as part of my maturioty out of oz is requiring this very high level of boundary setting.

Some lesson about teaching MYSELF this?

Like if I dont advocate for myself noone else will, even if it does make others uncomfortable. the passive approach did not serve me, MY boundaries got walked all over!

[gettingoverit]

Of the 6.5 years that we were together, she broke up with me 5 times. I recently found out that although during those in between times (we were only broken up for about two weeks at a time, the longest being separated for three months), she had tried to hook up with someone else! This last time almost three months ago was the final break up because days after we split she was already sleeping with the neighbor.

The truth of the matter was that every time she split with me, it was me that changed her mind and asked her to come back! I really loved her and thought she was the "one", but the truth is I was always chasing the ghost of who she presented herself to be the first year of our relationship. I mean she was so intoxicating and amazing. It was like a drug. I could not believe I had found someone who was so wonderful to the extreme to me. That should have been my first red flag. I did not want to lose that person she had been. Unfortunately I hardly ever saw that ghost through the years. The ghost would make an appearance once in a while to keep me interested, hopeful and addicted. That's why I could never leave. If she had not split with me this last time and found someone new, I would have still been trying to make this relationship work with someone who had no interest or capability of putting forth the work and dedication it takes. I also had no idea that she could possibly be BPD. Once I started reading literature and seeing more and more similarities with others who were with or had been with BPD partners, I started putting two and two together. I am 90% sure my ex is BPD. It's hard to admit that no matter what I would have done, chances are our relationship would have ended anyway.  :'( Now I have to detox.

[Neverknow]

So many times that my friends and family don't even want to hear about it any more.  And, I don't blame them.

They think I have lost my mind.  I did, for a while, no doubt about it.  Now, I want her out, and can't make it happen.  Before, she was hopping in the car and taking off for her mother's or daughter's at the slightest argument.  I think she senses that I am hoping she will leave one more time, and that is what is keeping it from happening right now.

She said she was leaving to go the her mother's today, and I said, "Okay, if that's what you want to do, you should do it."  Next thing, she says she is staying. 

I need to beg her to stay, I think, to get her to leave (that always worked before when I didn't want it to    ).

[bpdlover]

Relevant topic this one. One of the hardest things about being involved with a BPD is the constant break ups.

My ex has been away from me for eighteen months and it would be easy to say that the cycle is over. It may well be and that is good news. However, we have a child together and I haven't seen him for a long time.

She and her "saviour" parents have painted me black so it is unlikely she will return because she believes her own lies and has probably smeared me to everybody in her orbit. I have to wonder if there is a part of her that knows she is lying about me?

We must have broken up between 15 and 20 times. I've really lost count but can remember the situations well and have written many of them down due to my disbelief at what was happening.

One of you mentioned feeling sexually inadequate. I believe that is how she feels. My ex gave me one hell of a going away present before she placed an order on me. She came back and shagged me five or so times and was more confident that ever before. She pretended to love me and acted like she was in a relationship approved by her parents. She even asked me if we could go to church. God knows what sick plan she had in the back of her mind when she took out the order on me. I called her before I received it to ask why she was abandoning me and that she was over reacting and she told me it doesn't matter now because she can't go back. She was talking about the order as she took it out that day. It was so nice to know that I meant so much to her. Basically I was her human vibrator.

The sexual issues are hers. Don't let your ex confuse you about who you are. They love that. She told me I had issues all the time and it was projection. I'll never forget a couple of things she said to me before she bailed. The first one was "it doesn't matter who you sleep with as long as they can bring you to orgasm" nicely placed at the end of a phone conversation. Sweet dreams. And the other was the last time we were together, which was "never, ever, ever, leave me." Now that was whacked!

[slvr6543]

Hello all,

I have experienced the same fate as all of you. A total of 4 times in three years. 1st time was about a year into the relationship. After the first 6 months this animal was talking about marriage and children and so on and so on. She left blaming me for everything. 3 weeks later she came crawling back asking me to change but I did not know what to change. She said I was a compulsive liar. When asked her to give me one thing I lied about (cause it was never brought to my attention EVER) she had no examples , but I took her back because I thought it could be worked out. 2ND time, pretty much the same thing or that's what she said. 3 weeks later she came crawling back saying she couldn't live with out me yad yada yada. 3rd time she left after a fight and 3 days later moved in with another guy, I started to move on. She told me she was getting married and all this crap. 3 weeks later low and behold she is calling me again telling me she knows for a fact I am the one and she doesn't want to be with anyone else. I started to notice that she left every time I would express my opinion about something she did that I didn't like. (boundaries) EXAMPLE... The 4Th and last time she left me was a little over 3 months ago 9/16/2011... She had went on my facebook page and deleted all the female friends That were on there and forbidded me to talk to them. Some of these people were friends of mine for 20 years , married with kids. I said okay well the same is going to go for you (she was famous for being a hippocrit and doing things she told me not to do). So during one of our breakups she had a male friend who I knew but he wasn't my friend he was hers, she slept with him while we were broken up and when I found out I told her she was not going to continue to speak with him and she agreed. Well, about three days before the break up I went out of town for work and called to see how she was doing, she nonchalantly says "oh I am by my friend Gregs house washing clothes. Now this animal just deleted all my Friends that I had no sexual relations with and she has the nuts to go hang with this dude when she knows what kind of problems it caused and could not understand why I was mad. It is like she was a complete retarded person. So all hell broke loose. The fighting the name calling and just about everything flying but the kitchen sink, she finally left. I found out 3 days later she moved in with yet another guy and went about 2 months with him then they split up for a week now she is back with him again. But since she left I have barley heard from her at all unlike the first 3 times. I hope I never hear from her again cause she is starting the cycle all over again but I don't think I will hear from her. It was like she just erased me from her mind.  These people need to be put in jail if they refuse treatment.

[slvr6543]

Oh , I almost forgot, The reasons I went back the first 2 times was I really and truthfully thought she was the one and at the time I knew nothing about BPD and thought things could be worked out. The 3rd time I was so mind fcked thinking It was my fault I tried to make everthing right that was already fkn right. There will not be a fourth time thanks to these boards after digging through all the sht this animal has put me through I can finally see she was the problem not me.

Thanks for letting me vent, feels good.

Pleas keep posting and learning it does wonders for everyone.

[moonleaf]

This thread is so interesting.

We broke up three times. The first time he left me very suddenly after almost 14 months together. I came home and all his stuff was gone. He left a note telling me why he was leaving. I later found out he had lined up an old girlfriend who he got back together with seven hours after breaking up with me. He was engaged to her about a month later. Just over three months later he had broken up with her and returned to me. I took him back because I loved him and I was devastated.

Almost six months later he left me again suddenly. His stuff was gone from my place. He e-mailed me a long note. I wasn't as devastated the second time because I no longer was wearing my heart on my sleeve for him. However, the following week we got back together. I took him back because I still loved him.

Four months later I left him after his behaviour got increasingly miserable and abusive. I suspect he was trying to line up a replacement for me. I simply didn't answer his last abusive email to me.

That was three months ago. I hear from him once in awhile now. I believe he's in a new relationship. I still love him, but I love myself more so I have no desire to get back together with him. I wish him all the best.

[Neverknow]

The recyle I am most disgusted with myself for is the last one.

We were completely separated, and she wanted a divorce, and I did, too.  The only think that was holding me up from filing was getting the money together for it.  I was living with my mother, who was begging me to go no contact with her, she was living with her mother.

For reasons, I can't explain, I started missing her.  Even when I was writing down what a hellish two years it had been in my journal, and ordering myself not to contact her, I started contacting her.  Why, I don't know.  I think I was looking for closure, but I really don't know.

The next think I know, I was getting sucked back in.  I told her I would keep talking to her but not move back in for at least several months.  She insisted on us getting back together right away, she missed me so bad, she was wrong, etc. etc. etc.  My mother thought (and still thinks) I have lost my mind.  So do all my friends and family.  They all begged me to stay separated, including my best friend of fifty years who told me I was ruining my life.

I finally packed my stuff up, and headed back to our place, (that would have been so easy to get out of, no lease).  I was actually excited about seeing her again.

Well, the good time lasted a little less than 48 hours before we were right back at it.   She started accusing me of everything she could think of, including my seeing other girls while we were separated (projection, anyone?)

I still stuck it out, and even went along with her desire to get another, nicer place, a week later (I really am crazy, I have decided).  As soon as we were in the new place, she unleashed it all.

Now, she is in bed most of the time, only coming out to tell me she wants a divorce (please, please) then goes back to bed, comes out like everything is fine, goes back to bed, comes out and wants to tell me how messed up I am, goes back to bed, ad nauseum.

All, because, I couldn't stay NC.

But, the FOG is gone, and the FOG is simply still loving and caring about them, (and I don't anymore) and I have realized that until the FOG is gone, you will recycle, or at least attempt to recycle.

[galunlati]

This is very informative, shocking when I step back and think about all the relationships over my life span.

50 years, pre-BPD, perhaps a total of three break up/make ups, non of which were in any way hostile.

4 years with a BPD, probably 7 or 8 explosive, unbelievably hostile, devastating break ups involving countless false accusations towards me as well as countless character assassinations. She would turn me into a monster, then when we "hook up" again, incredibly wonderful... .for a time, but over time, the wonderful times diminished to mere days.

I'm still in shock!

[OTH]

He very well might be feeling your loss and want you back. Do you think it has more to do with meeting his needs or yours? How long do you think the 9th honeymoon will last?  Hope and uncertainty die a long cruel death in these relationships. Of course you know all this Marcie. Stay strong. Embrace your future not your past.

Best wishes,

OTH

[slvr6543]

well she got me again. 3 years and 4 breakups. the 4th breakup was 4 months ago. about 3 weeks ago she tracked me down at a bar and made some excuse to see me ( She just admitted it) well 2 weeks after tracking me down and telling me she is pregnant with the guy she took off with days after we split, calls me out the blue crying and telling me this guy is hitting her and threatening her family with death threats (which is true, I talked to her dad. She had no place to go so I took her to one of our friends house and spent 5 days with her. She was so sweet telling me all the things she did wrong and the blaming she put me through.

Was telling me she loved me (keep in mind she thinks its over between the new guy at this point). told me she was getting an abortion and all this stuff. Told me she wasn't thinking clearly when she got prego from this guy she only has known for 4 months now.

At the end of the 4th day she started talking to this guy and some how he talked her into coming back. well she changed into a different person. She lied and told me he was going to let her stay there and he was going to move so I called her out on it and she immediately told me not to call her or text her that she didnt need anymore problems in her life. Me who saved her asz from having to sleep on the street, fed her, my friend said she could stay there as long as she wanted... NOW I AM THE PROBLEM. What a joke. When he beats the crap out of her again she better not call me, I may go help him. jj