SURVEY | Break-up/make-up cycles

[MacGyver]

     It's been 3 times for me in the last 2 years, thought I dont know if I should really count the first time as that was my doing. We had been dating for only a few months and I was unaware of her condition. All I knew is she was going thru a really tough time and it was to much for me to handle so like a coward I ran away. The next two times we broke up was because she cheated. I'm in a NC stage with her right now. I'm not sure how long it will last. Maybe a couple weeks , maybe forever. I still love her with all my heart, but I know what shes doing isnt right. Maybe with her continuing treatment we can make it work or maybe this is the end who knows.

    Its scary yet strangly comforting when I see the survey, 34% have broken up 3-5 times and I'm one of them. I dont know if its because in some weird way it makes me feel normal or just comforting to know I'm no longer alone. There are others who have, and are going thru the same thing I am right now.

[jeffrey12]

what does everyone classify as a break up, how long? ... there times where we'd be broken up for 20 mins but still be in the car together only to make up...

[argyle]

Erm. Dunno.  Depends.  If you count demands for divorce, probably 100+.  If you count decisions to divorce that last more than 24 hrs, probably 3.  If you count decisions to divorce that last more than 48 hrs, probably 0.

--Argyle

[VL15]

Perhaps this is the best thread Ive read so far.

I voted 6-10.

Not sure what exactly would qualify as a break-up. But I think a serious decision to divorce ... .that has been more than 6 times and less than umpteen, so i guess I fall in the 6-10 category.

My husband is trying to recycle me in, and Im kind of numb to all  apologies, promises and big talk placing me on a pedestal once again.

Right now am on anti-depressants and not sure what to make of myself or the future or the present for that matter.

thoroughly confused.

[jeffrey12]

probably 3 on my side. the first one she wanted some space which i gave to her and it lasted 5 hours. the other time is lasted for 4 days and the next is the present break up which is 2 months... .

[John70]

We fell into a cycle of breaking up or at least blowing up to the point of breaking up at least 20 times in two years of a two and a half year relationship. Recycled after the last proper break of seven weeks in the autumn - I was completely lovebombed before the usual metaphorical hit the proverbial after three weeks and I got out. One month NC now and I know (with my heart and mind) that this is permanent. I've spent this month exmaining myself whereas during the seven week break I was examining her and turning over all that was wrong (believe me, as I'm sure you do, that there was lots wrong!) with the r/s. It'as about me now, not her or "us", and I really do think all this work is making me a better, more centred and more self-aware person. I'm detoxing myself emotionally, letting go of all the emotional ballast she got me to carry and slowly, slowly, slowly feeling so much more buoyant with a lighter step and head held higher. My friends have said they can see "me" coming back to them, a little more appearing gradually with each day and that makes me so very happy. I look back on the Saturday I left her. She was holding onto me, trying to kiss me, saying she loved me and I was inert, impassive. I didn't look back as I walked away; I just heard her voice fading away as she stood at her door proclaiming her undying love until all that was left was silence. That's where I am now. Silence, with a growing sense of calm and tranquility. I say to those who are only just facing the reality of detachment and the excruciating pain it brings that you too will one day be in that place. I look forward to seeing you there and I may even buy you a beer  Hi! 

[Yolo]

OH shoot... I was hoping to just get the "unhealthy" badge... .now I guess I'm into (wow) if I use Green Mango's operational definition... .If I factor in that 6-8 were just this year when we abandoned the No Break up edict. Plus the 3 prior "Biggies" thats 11... and during the other 'on's' there must have been, wow I didn't even count them.

I guess that is why 10+ is "WoW" *whimper*

[bpdlover]

I consider myself one of the fortunate ones. 2.5 years and probably at least another ten years NC. A most welcome change from the 10+ inside whatever one wants to call the attempted "bond or connection" with her. Hindsight and letting go has clarified so much for me. It is truly amazing to contemplate the involvement, but I have certainly learned valuable lessons.

[mosaicbird]

10+ here.   1-2 times per year over a span of 12 years. Fun times.

[elessar]

Love this thread and some of the comments. Sometimes we do not know when we break up or if it is a break up. Towards the end I just let her decide whatever we are. One night she asked me "what are we doing... .  what is this... .  where are we". I replied "I don't know... .  you have been the one who always decides so I gave up figuring it out". Wrong answer! haha.

On serious note, it is unhealthy for us. But why do we let it happen to us? Are we that blindly and deeply in love, is it because we do know BPDs are suffering too and therefore we let them back. Or is it because there was something with us in the beginning or along the way in the BPD relationship we lost our own self-respect. I have been wondering about it.

[bpdlover]

Are we in love with the idea of what love should be? Are we truly at our best around these people? I for one can say emphatically, no. I have had my life back for three years and have reached a reasonable place. I am not completely healed and learning of her recent marriage has me questioning again. My self respect went out the window clinging onto the love game. I wanted to believe the side of her that echoed loving sentiments and provided intense romance. I held onto this for too long believing it was the real her. The other side was cruel and horrible. Either way, the amount of break ups were staggering.

[sadinnc98]

30+ here and that is in less than a year. WOW is right. I am shocked at just how badly my situation really is

[duncanville1]

My diagnosed BPD now ex again have recycled well over 30 times in 3.5 years... The longest break was 2.5 years no contact... . I am trying to break free from this horrible pain as we speak...

[Onmyown]

I'm embarrassed to say it's more times that I can remember over the past three years, so well more than 10 - maybe 20; who knows.

Why did I go back, why did I let him come back?

He's the most eloquesnt liar I have ever met.  It also brings to light that I'm terribly naive and much work to do on myself to stop this cycle.

I made a list of the good times and bad times, WOW what a slap in the face that is to look at what I wrote down.

Made me sick to see what I've been putting myself through for a chance at a good time that might only last for two weeks to a month at the most.

How did I finally understand that he does in fact have BPD?

As he stood in front of me crying he stated "I've never had anyone love me as much as you and I was always afraid you'd leave me."

Done with that.

[Emelie Emelie]

We had one short (less than a week) break up and talked the whole time.  This time it's been six weeks and nada.  No recycling attempt.  We've talked and he's sent a lot of mixed messages but has not asked me to come back.  I don't think mine does that.  When he's done he's done.  Or he's too afraid I (or whomever) is going to say no. 

[corraline]

Our first break up was when he broke up with me a month into the relationship saying he couldn't see us as a long term relationship.  I was stunned. I thought everything was going well ! I told him he was wrong and making a mistake.  Then came an email from his other woman that i didn't know about. Then i understood.  He claimed to end it with her and chose me saying she was insensitive to me for emailing me about their relationship.  I defended her.  I did not respond to her because i was shocked and couldn't bear it and believed his story about how he had just met her and hadn't decided between us yet and felt shame for being selfish.  He had told me that i was the only one initially.

Then he whisked me off to a therapist to work it out between us vowing to build trust in our relationship but he kept betraying me.  I broke up with him a couple of times when I caught him on dating sites and i went back buying into the story of his problem with needing attention from other women and feeling fear of being abandoned by me. I was totally committed to working things out and did not give him any signs of otherwise so I could not understand it.

anyway, he would break off with me and withdraw for days all of the time claiming he needed space to take care of himself.  I would freak out and eventually i learned to calm down but never felt safe emotionally. I could never understand what i was doing to make him go away all of the time.

We talked alot about our issues of abandonment and I thought we were breaking through things and deepening our relationship and building trust but he kept doing things that were uncomfortable and hurtful thus my trust with him would take another hit.  Then i would get punished for not having trust in him.  I kept going back.

He had a pattern of going away and slowly sending affection again to hook me back in.  I kept going back.

I was told to have courage and work through things. I felt bad about myself that I just could never feel strong enough to trust this relationship.  He said he had healed his issues for the most part and I was the one that wasn't healing. My behavior was not healthy either. I became very suspicious always looking around the corner for the next betrayal or lie... . that must have been difficult for him too. and exhausting yet even if he wasn't doing anything he would say things about other women that were suggestive or chain yank on my insecurities and all sorts of cruel behavior  i would go right back into fear again and react.

It was a very sick dynamic.

This time tho, after many goodbyes on text and wondering if they were just the same old behaviors or just drunk texts i decided to stop looking for excuses for it and accept it . I thought , you know, even if you are drunk you are still saying goodbye even if its just another recycle pattern or a drunk angry reaction you still said it and I am not going to enter into another one of these excruciatingly painful cycles again. I made too many excuses for both of us , hoped and waited for healthy resolve and it never changed.

This time i stepped out of the triangle.  I am hurting and honestly the unhealthy part of me wants to go back in... that is the truth... the healthier side knows that i cannot.  Its like a terrible addiction that i must break so I doing my best right now.

[bunnyrabit]

I'm after the second break up right now, even though I promised myself not to get involved with her again I did... . But she was admitting to all her wrongs, seeing a shrink and taking meds, so I thought ok, under these conditions I might give it another chance.

Things were much more peaceful between us but then she started to become very depressed and crying all the time. When I asked her 'what's wrong?' she couldn't answer and after a while I became indifferent to my woman crying and I hated that. Then one day she said 'I'm leaving' and that was that, the day after she left and I'm sitting here 

[NoCRV]

I voted None.  There has been some recycling but it's being done by her and her ex.

[Split black]

Ive been recycled 5 times. This last time she said I disgusted her blah blah blah blah. Said to lose her number, she said she lost mine. I was apparently the 3rd wheel no 4th spoke in her wheel. I thought she was only with me. She was still seeing her ex. she brought in some other guy I busted her with twice... . the 2nd time was just last week.

I called her out. Read her the riot act. She cried... . told her to read up on BPD... she was clinical. Ripped into her psyche. She realized she couldn't manipulate me anymore so... . once again... . she goes NC on me. Not a word. Haven't seen her for two weeks. Told her to get help and that if she did I would consider talking to her... . Instead of owning her behavior, pathological lying and cheating, and manipulating. Projects it all on to me... . tells me I disgust her. Mind you last even the day before this conversation on the phone she said she loved me but realized I would never believe anything she said again.

I know shes toxic. I know shes gonna destroy me. But shes so sexy, body and face... . and when shes sweet... . its unreal.  Im pretty sure shes done. I should be done. I need to be finally done. I wonder if shes gonna contact me... . can you believe that? Im a shell of who i was.

[bunnyrabit]

omfg, I can't believe people are being recycled more than 2 times. didn't you learn anything or are you just too caught up with your co-dep? Either way you're doing it wrong, pore sobs

[Split black]

I know... . ive finally had it. She went silent. Im stucking to nc. But part of me wonders if shes going to conact me again. Honestly i want her to. But equally i dont ever want to see her again. My seemingly endless capacity for suffering is over.

[arn131arn]

  I dunno I went through 40+ recycles and I don't think that helped my emotional state at all.

I had the chance to end it after the 1st cheat 11 years ago. I chose to go back. Hindsight is 20/20. If I hadn't I wouldn't have had a beautiful son

[Bak86]

It's been 3,5 months now. So far, i haven't been recycled.

[rollercoaster24]

Hi all

Think I might have previously posted on this topic, (but cannot remember!)

Anyway, together from March 2010-June 2013, he did the Silent Treatment on me for 4 months until late November 2013, (after a last physical assault on my life in June 2013). Although I had plenty of hang up calls/a newspaper clipping in the mail/him prowling around at night when he found out my son in law was working remotely again, during his hiatus.

He manipulates his way back into my home/heart/life late November, and by March this year I finally said ENOUGH and called it quits, going NC after a last call to the Police because he was being violent/threatening and harassing me at work continually.

In June I was shocked to hear his voice on my mobile, but this was only so he could snarl and shout blame at me over why it didn't work out, (as if he had dumped me!)

I was never going to get the closure I wanted, we all know this.

I went back to trying to recover, forward and backward at any given time, (still the same).

Come August, and I am driving back from picking up stock for my business, ironically, my elderly friend who is with me, is asking me about my exBP. I am rabbiting on about something that happened once, and next thing as I am pulling up to the lights, I hear a short toot, and look behind/beside me, there is BP stopped in the next lane, (but going straight through, whilst I am turning left).

I realise he is looking down and over, (straining to see who is in my passenger seat). The lights change, and he drives on as do I.

I realise that my heart is palpitating heavily with shock and alarm, but keep driving on, continuously checking to see if BP is zooming up behind me, both fearing that yet hoping for it at the same time, (stupid huh?)

Finally I realise he is not following, and feel a mixture of sadness, yet relief over this, and continue on the journey home.

My elderly cynical friend is verbally/cheekily analysing my response to seeing my ex, which annoys me, and makes me wish I was alone in my vehicle.

I keep checking my phone for several days/weeks. Nothing, but do not make contact myself.

One morning early at work, my phone rings, (6am), I am awaiting a call over a business matter, and seeing a mobile calling, answer my phone. I get a shock hearing BP's voice, after all, he was with me for 4 years off and on, and spent most of that time insisting he couldn't afford phone credit, so always rang from phone boxes, which would appear on my mobile as 'Blocked' or 'Unknown'.

He wants to chat, (saying someone tried to stab him) but I tell him I will have to call him back, and ponder whether I want to in the time I take to finish my urgent work task before morning tea.

I feel guilty, and call back, immediately hearing about this latest drama, however the truth about what happened comes out later, and it turns out that BP was the one who produced a weapon first, (why am I surprised?)

BP talks about himself for several hours, his opinions,  his thoughts, his life, and then turns his attention to what I have been up to.

Tells me that 'he left' because he thought I was dating my friend Robert, (um I actually left you didn't I?)

I tell him that NO, I am not dating Robert, or anyone else for that matter.

He then asks if I slept with anyone, from March-August, (specifically Robert), again I say NO, only this time, I am actually lying.

I return the question, he says NO, (and I know for sure he is lying too like he always did over his own faithfulness).

He wants to prattle on about how tragic it all is that we didn't work out, and how hard he tried, and how he was only 'homeless' after he was with me, (that's yet another lie he tells to his new targets for company/attention).

I cannot believe he is saying this, and almost choke.

But I realise how dishonest he is, and always has been, and how stupid I was believing in his being honest and forthright for so long.

He tells me he loves me, and I say I love him too, (insert tears here).

Over the next few days, he wants to talk to me again every day, and I do, but he doesn't want to meet up in person, only wants to talk over the phone, asking for my help, but when offered free of strings, doesn't want me to come assist him, (I have to wonder why if we are only friends?)

Over the following week after he made contact, I begin to feel weighted down listening to his never ending opinions again, about my life, my job, my family, all negative, and actually nasty.

Not once do I advise him, or give my opinions about his life.

After the week is over, he requests that I keep calling him, and wants me to call/message him Goodnight, he says that if he doesn't answer that this is OK, his phone might not be charged etc.

Oddly enough, his phone was never available at nights, despite his 'living in his car and his phone being only centimetres away, and he is available 24/7 to me always was/is', (his words).

He went back to living in his car in September last year apparently, after his elderly parents had enough of his violence/aggression/sense of entitlement. He had spent 16 months living in their shed-room outside, (for free), and it was only another of the times he had returned to their generosity over his adult life.

After meeting and being friends with me for several months, he lived at my home for 2 years off and on for free too, nothing he ever did or gave was consistent, and I never asked him for rent/board either.

To this day, he would rant to me/others about how much he did for me, and how much he gave, (all rubbish of course).

It was truly severely unbalanced and weighed towards me to provide him with everything, (or his parents).

So, to cut a too long story short, I am disgusted of how many breakup makeup cycles we had.

I liken his act to that of a strung out meth addict, cycling through withdrawl every 3-4 days.

I am still suffering from the aftermath, and wonder if I will ever be better.

Would I want to go back? NO

Do I still pine after this maniac? Yes, ARGGHHHHHHH

[Blimblam]

While I could have and wanted to recycle I stuck with 1 boundary. She had to give me a face to face heartfelt sincere apology. It never happened and neither did the recycle.

[CloseToFreedom]

I had 10 or so recycles.

Actually, in the beginning of the relationship after the first few weeks it was me who pushed her away. I couldn't really put my finger on it but something felt wrong. The intense love bombing, the always complaining about other people, the fact that she said a lot but didn't had a lot of interesting stuff to say, the fact that she would freak out (argue, scream and/or cry) when I wanted a day for myself... .all these red flags made it feel so intense that I couldn't cope with it.

She upped the love bombing after the break, becoming almost obsessive about me, ringing on my doorbell in the middle of the night. That made me feel like I was important for this girl, she put me on a pedestal. I took her back.

The 10 or so recycles... .well, the break ups and recycles were done by the both of us. Usually after each honeymoon phase there was so much pointless arguments, we trying to 'win' the arguments, that it just wasn't sustainable. She made me feel insane and brought out the worst in myself. Then after 2 to 6 weeks of little to no contact, one of us would rekindle the fire again. I would usually try first, and fail, being painted black seemingly beyond repair. Then after some weeks she started hinting at missing me, doing some things that she knew I would see and would melt my heart. I fell for it each time.

I'm out now, 6 weeks and counting. Its hard. But Im still painted black, which helps. I hope that she won't ever try it again, because I know I'm weak for her. The best thing you can do is live life well, so that when they do come back, you can just laugh about it and move on.

[HappyNihilist]

No recycles with my exBPDbf, and no attempts after 9+ months, although he has contacted me several times. One of his exes is dead and one won't talk to him, but I know he reaches out to his other exes. He doesn't typically recycle an old long-term r/s, but he goes through a rotation of regular casual hookup partners.

[ADecadeLost]

There are five legitimate break-up/make-ups that I can recall in my 10 year relationship.

The first three were during the first year we were dating (still in college) with the break-ups lasting no more than a couple days.  These were all red flag events that should have had me running for the hills.  That said, I was young, the sex was good, and I attended a college with a 4:1 guy to girl ratio.  In retrospect, I had plenty of options, but didn't want to give up what I saw as a good thing.

Fourth break-up came a little over a year in.  She had become extremely erratic and was raging on a near daily basis.  We were living apart at the time due to internships/work, and I simply told her it was over until she got some help.  We went NC for about 3 months during which time she began therapy/medication.  We re-initiated a long-distance relationship the following spring.  Though she still had her issues, the improved stability from the medication gave me a false sense of hope that she was actually improving.  I moved out to her after leaving grad school a year later, and we eventually got engaged.  I spent plenty of time ignoring more red flags in the interim (even if they were more subtle than before) and guess I can attribute it to a fear of being alone and the fact that I loved her.

Fifth and final break was her filing for divorce at the end of last summer and me sticking to it when she tried to change her mind about it a few months later.  She had been away more than 50% of the time during the year prior, and I believe that allowed me to begin the process of detachment in a way I hadn't been able to before.  Some shifts in her personality/priorities as she progressed in DBT also played a role.

**Note:  On a number of occasions during our married life, she announced she was leaving (during an argument), but I would not qualify these as break-ups.  She would occasionally pack a bag, hop in the car and leave, but was always back within a few hours.  They were more about her seeing how I would respond.  As I never made an effort to chase her down (what she was hoping for), she'd always just come home and refuse to speak to me for a few more hours.

[fred6]

No recycle, however as far as I know she hasn't recycled anyone in the past 10 years. I think that she did the recycle thing back in her earlier relationships when she was younger. I just think that she has evolved in how she handles her relationships. From what I've been told by her, her recycle attempts with her sons father didn't turn out well for her.

[tortuga]

My parents have been married 60 years. They set the example of the "fairy tale marriage" - and I know it has not been easy for them, and I guess my mother was a little neurotic, and my dad was the rock. I wanted so much to be like my dad. . .

(mom is now suffering from a difficult form of Alzheimer's, my dad has his own issues, and taking care of her is killing him. I don't know who is going to die first - her from the disease, or him from taking care of her, above his own needs. . . )

Are we returning to this person because we are in love with them or are we returning to this relationship because it feels safe? 

In some cases, it was because I felt safe, because I bought into lies.  Ridiculous lies. I believed a liar. I felt safe. For a while. Until the truth came out.  Eventually, I got so used to feeling un-safe, that just became my normal state.  Obviously codependency played a huge role.

Are we afraid to be alone?

This used to be my overriding fear.  Now I *crave* alone-ness. I want to be alone more than almost anything.  I am terrified of weekends now.

Do we have abandonment issues? 

I'm not sure.

I stayed with my first uBPDgf, far longer than I should have, because I was afraid to be alone. I was at an age where I was in a group of college friends. All of my previous social groups had disbanded, so I was becoming pretty clingy to that group. (I see that now).  And 2 by 2, they were pairing-off, getting married and starting families.  I saw my older siblings doing that, as well.  I was afraid of being left as the "odd-man-out". 

She left me, eventually. She painted me black, and found another guy. (and after that, went from guy to guy for the next 20+ years).

My next gf was also likely uBPD.  My spidey sense went off, (and there was infidelity on her part) and I left her.

My next gf was apparently normal. Normal relationship stuff. That was a good r/s. Still; there was infidelity on her part. And I left her.

My next gf was my uBPD wife.  Intense and maniacal. That first few months was incredible. She was cheating on her exH; but had conned me into believing that they were separated. (they weren't). We got pregnant, so she left him, and we decided to get married. It was the right thing to do; I guess.  But after moving in, a lot of these mood issues started to happen. I just thought if I tried harder, I could FORCE it to work.  I thought that if we split up, I would be a single dad, not a great paying job (at the time), and I had started to gain some weight. So I was afraid of being alone for the rest of my life. (and she told me that's what would happen to me after she left).  Every fight we had, it was always her - - - waving the threat of divorce in my face. (and child support/alimony/etc). I was terrified of that life. Terrified of the shame at facing my family. Terrified of losing my kids.

After several instances of infidelity - I found ways around those fears. I was in better shape, physically, and financially.  And the kids were older. And in many respects, I was more afraid of being with her, than I was of being alone.  After a while . . . being alone seemed like a huge relief as compared to trying to live with her.

So maybe I had abandonment issues earlier. But I overcame them.

Are we fearful that we cannot find someone as good as them again (a hard one to admit, but I’ve read it many times)? 

This was a fear for a while. (see above)

I am at an age; I see the singles scene among guys my age.  I don't really have hang-ups about dating women with some miles on them.  (as long as they aren't personality-disordered).  And I will have no qualms about putting myself first, and staying alone, if that's how things work out for me.

Are we fearful of the next step (dating, financial issues, etc.)

Financial issues have been a fear for a very long time for me.  And I think divorce is going to be a huge, costly pain in the ass. I am afraid I'm going to lose my house, and end up with a gigantic glob of debt. I don't care if I have to sell my car and live in a trailer for a few years, though. I can live cheap, and the things I love to do are relatively inexpensive.  So these fears that used to plague me have mostly melted away.

I am still afraid of disappointing my parents. (there's that codependency thing again. . . )