Now she's "in love with me" again?

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

Ok, I need to share this:

My partner and I have been separated for about two months now, and yesterday would've been our two year anniversary.  I thought I was doing pretty well, concentrating on myself and making new friends, hooking up here and there, but just trying to have fun.  Then, of course, she wanted to see me last night "before the divorce is finalized." We ended up at the same bar where she told me I needed to buy her drinks.  Then she wanted to go or a walk, which led to her grabbing my face and kissing me.  I asked if she wanted to go to her place and chat, but she said chatting wasn't what she had in mind.  Long story short, she told me all about how her life is supposedly great now, how she's kind of dating a professor, but that this professor told her she needed to straighten things out with me somehow because it ended on such bad terms.  So here she is, trying to sleep with me, and when we start kissing, she sobs.  Then we take a break, and she initiates again, and this time she says it's just like when we first hooked up and things were amazing and she asks me, "why am I so in love with you?"  Like that should be a hard question to answer.  I'm not the piece of hit_ you think I am.

So I slept over (worst idea ever), she dropped me off where I needed to be in the morning, and said we should see each other in a week (because that's when I'm back in town). 

I don't know what to do.  I totally didn't see that coming, and it really got to me.  I don't want to want her anymore, but she's looking great, being nice to me, even though I know it's just for a minute, and seems to be moving things forward, which she wasn't doing while we were together.  I'm sure she's just doing her usual thing where she talks about her life like she's got it all together when in reality nothing is happening, but I'm so caught in this web again.  I can't concentrate at work.  Heeeeeeeeelp.

[forestofemotions]

Ok, I need to share this:

My partner and I have been separated for about two months now, and yesterday would've been our two year anniversary.  I thought I was doing pretty well, concentrating on myself and making new friends, hooking up here and there, but just trying to have fun.  Then, of course, she wanted to see me last night "before the divorce is finalized." We ended up at the same bar where she told me I needed to buy her drinks.  Then she wanted to go or a walk, which led to her grabbing my face and kissing me.  I asked if she wanted to go to her place and chat, but she said chatting wasn't what she had in mind.  Long story short, she told me all about how her life is supposedly great now, how she's kind of dating a professor, but that this professor told her she needed to straighten things out with me somehow because it ended on such bad terms.  So here she is, trying to sleep with me, and when we start kissing, she sobs.  Then we take a break, and she initiates again, and this time she says it's just like when we first hooked up and things were amazing and she asks me, "why am I so in love with you?"  Like that should be a hard question to answer.  I'm not the piece of hit_ you think I am.

So I slept over (worst idea ever), she dropped me off where I needed to be in the morning, and said we should see each other in a week (because that's when I'm back in town). 

I don't know what to do.  I totally didn't see that coming, and it really got to me.  I don't want to want her anymore, but she's looking great, being nice to me, even though I know it's just for a minute, and seems to be moving things forward, which she wasn't doing while we were together.  I'm sure she's just doing her usual thing where she talks about her life like she's got it all together when in reality nothing is happening, but I'm so caught in this web again.  I can't concentrate at work.  Heeeeeeeeelp.

[Howzah]

Never about you

Always about them.

You are being used as a tool to make themselves feel better about themselves. Once you are no longer useful, you are expendable. It might take a few times of the same dysfunctional cycle for that realization to kick in. It took me a few times, even after I had been betrayed brutally. I still stuck my toes into the pool to test the waters. More of the same. After I hadn't talked to her for awhile and reconnected, knew about the disorder ect. I could easily spot the crazy. It was like she wasn't even the same person and the true disordered sad sack of a human being had took her place.

That person had always been there though. I just had my own issues. I spotted them all early and ignored them. That's been the toughest challenge. Forgiving myself. Thinking I'm crazy for allowing it to happen to me.

[C12P21]

Long story short, she told me all about how her life is supposedly great now, how she's kind of dating a professor, but that this professor told her she needed to straighten things out with me somehow because it ended on such bad terms.

I am confused here, but is her way of pleasing the professor is to sleep with you? She is dating someone but sleeps with you... .

Boundary issues, all over the place.

C

[finally]

Long story short, she told me all about how her life is supposedly great now, how she's kind of dating a professor, but that this professor told her she needed to straighten things out with me somehow because it ended on such bad terms.

I am confused here, but is her way of pleasing the professor is to sleep with you? She is dating someone but sleeps with you... .

Boundary issues, all over the place.

C

no kidding!

[finally]

Never about you

Always about them.

You are being used as a tool to make themselves feel better about themselves. Once you are no longer useful, you are expendable. It might take a few times of the same dysfunctional cycle for that realization to kick in. It took me a few times, even after I had been betrayed brutally. I still stuck my toes into the pool to test the waters. More of the same. After I hadn't talked to her for awhile and reconnected, knew about the disorder ect. I could easily spot the crazy. It was like she wasn't even the same person and the true disordered sad sack of a human being had took her place.

you must find a way to beleive that what Howzah is saying is true! it sadly is very true... .this is not about you an her.

That person had always been there though. I just had my own issues. I spotted them all early and ignored them. That's been the toughest challenge. Forgiving myself. Thinking I'm crazy for allowing it to happen to me.

yep me too! first 2 months... .should of left... .ah well... .c' est la vie... .

[turtlesoup]

I'm sure many of us here arrived at a true ending only after numerous of these "im still in love with you's", there are at least 2 occasions that spring quickly to my mind of us breaking up for 2 months + and then my being dragged back in. Had I believed her emails of "im in love with you" in March, I'd have gone back again. You just reach a point.

Like Howzer says, pwBPD - it's all about them. Maybe she's getting to close to the prof and is feeling jittery, whatever her reason you are providing supply for her again. it's very easy for me to say this is a road well travelled but if you havent been beaten up enough... probably you will want this to be true and go along for another roller coaster ride.

The biggest  |> here is the professor... .so she is now cheating on him? With you? They go back and forth between love interests all the time until the love interest is just bled dry and wont have anything to do with it anymore. My ex would email and facebook at least 4 old partners I knew of, 2 of them are NC, 2 would humour her but not go there.

I want to scream don't fall for it, she's showing out so badly with the prof buy you're either truly wise to it or you're not. You want advise? Arm yourself. Read all the BPD stuff and as much as you can here. Its time for a brain decision. Good luck!  

[thisblonde]

Sorry that you are hurting, and the worse part is going to be when you realize how "self inflicted" it all was.

You are in one of these categories:  Used, Abused, Tossed.   That's all there is a BPD.  Only you can stop the cycle - by leaving and staying out of the loop.  Up to you.  Good Luck!

[forestofemotions]

I think she's not really "with" this professor, they're just "kind of dating."  But who knows.  I think what she'd ideally want is to have open relationships forever since she "can't trust me," and I "ruined her ability to trust anyone else." 

I just can't stop thinking about it, and I can't connect in that way to anyone else because they're not her.  They're also not treating me badly, which is another issue I have.  The one person who played the push/pull I might want you but today I don't game with me really hurt me after only a few weeks.  And I let her. 

[tranch]

My wife was messing around with someone, although it was mostly emotionally cheating, which was actually worse from my point of view.

She did this back and forth several times.

I almost felt bad for the other guy, b/c at least i'm more aware of what's goin on. He always has and still thinks that me and her have been separated all this time. I feel almost worse for him b/c... .i already know this may be my time to exit this craziness, and he's just getting started. And like it was with me in the beginning, he will have no clue about her until he's reeled in.

I understand your turmoil. But this is messed up, like someone said, she's cheating on him with you. Or she's basically cheating on both of you. And if you don't make some sort of concrete decision, it will keep going on. Oh, and she will have gotten what she wanted, an open relationship. Still being able to feed off of you, plus whoever else she feels like, with no loyalty to anyone. Is that what you wanted?

[szia]

I think she's not really "with" this professor, they're just "kind of dating."  But who knows.  I think what she'd ideally want is to have open relationships forever since she "can't trust me," and I "ruined her ability to trust anyone else."

Dude. This is utter BS smoke and mirrors.

[C12P21]

since she "can't trust me," and I "ruined her ability to trust anyone else."

This is giving you a guilt trip. I was totally hosed by my exNPDbf and you know something, I will struggle with trust. This struggle will be due to my picking an abusive guy and not seeing the signs... .it will be due to my issues, now. Yes, I was hurt, but did he ruin me, no.

I hope you look at the articles about healthy relationships. You obviously are drawn to her but try to figure you out x. You deserve a loving, committed partner that trusts you.

C

[forestofemotions]

Thanks everyone!  This is a really nice reality check.  And it's true:  she will have gotten what she wanted.  An open relationship with no loyalty to anyone but feeding off of everyone.  She wants to "talk in person" next week.  I'm trying really, really hard to lie and say I'm going out of town earlier than I actually am so I don't have to do it.  And of course there's the part of me that wants to   

The issue is that it seems we do need to talk about the actual divorce we haven't filed yet.  She said she hasn't done it because she "doesn't have the money, but will save up for it this month."  Maybe I can handle all of this without seeing her.  I got legal insurance months back because I saw this coming... .

[C12P21]

And of course there's the part of me that wants to 

Of course you do, because you love her and a part of you is still enmeshed with her. Be gentle with yourself as you go through these emotions and attachment. You are unwinding the threads that bind you to the relationship. Sometimes, letting go of the hope and dreams that you had for each other is one of the more difficult aspects of detaching. As I read posts where folks state they never think of their ex's a part of me still is saddened as I read them, to no longer consider someone that you loved very much seems foreign to me. Yet I know it is part of the journeys end. His journey ended with me prior to our break up, I just didn't see it coming and has taken me longer to arrive but he is still in my thoughts and I know in time, he won't be.

You might check out the legal boards for the divorce... .there is usually excellent advice on there.

Take care.

C

[Howzah]

My wife was messing around with someone, although it was mostly emotionally cheating, which was actually worse from my point of view.

One thing that we nons always do is believe that things are different with the new victim. It never is. Sure, they might put on a good facade for a short while, but eventually the mask slips and the BPD rears it's ugly head. We're talking about people who physically have a disorder as well as mental. They cannot control their impulses, rages, crazy making behaviors. It's intrinsic to who they are.

I almost felt bad for the other guy, b/c at least i'm more aware of what's goin on. He always has and still thinks that me and her have been separated all this time. I feel almost worse for him b/c... .i already know this may be my time to exit this craziness, and he's just getting started. And like it was with me in the beginning, he will have no clue about her until he's reeled in.

It is time to exit the craziness. Imagine if the roles were reversed. Take my ex for instance. The guy before me went through a living hell. Probably a lot worse than I had it for sure. He was very devalued when I was seeing her. I was so oblivious to BPD I believed all her lies and distortions about him. We met once, under very bad circumstances, and I could tell he was just a guy like me. Trying to do his best. Not understanding. Not the monster she portrayed him out to be. You can bet she has mentioned you to this guy and painted you as the villain. Setting him up to play rescuer. That's how they sink their claws in your co dependent hide.

Then the push/pull cycle starts. You're confused because when you were on the pedestal they fed into your rescuer ego. You were rewarded for being the knight in shining armor. It's a really hard reality to accept, but in truth, we're just puppets. Objects. A source of emotional nourishment that is only temporary.

I felt bad for him and could see the danger I had put myself into. It was a huge red flag, but she came over to my house right away and was all over me. Trying to reassure me "I was the one". There are so many instances like this I wish I could go back in time to and get out when I had some semblance of power. Not to ultimately get discarded like a piece of trash when I actually had emotional needs from my supposed "lover" and "best friend". That's been the most difficult hurdle for sure and has taken a lot of time. I'm getting closer but I still have a lot of work to do.

I understand your turmoil. But this is messed up, like someone said, she's cheating on him with you. Or she's basically cheating on both of you. And if you don't make some sort of concrete decision, it will keep going on. Oh, and she will have gotten what she wanted, an open relationship. Still being able to feed off of you, plus whoever else she feels like, with no loyalty to anyone. Is that what you wanted?

You are right. They don't have any loyalty to anyone. The only way for this to stop is for you to make the right decision. You will get to the point where you have to make the decision to save yourself. Save your life. Being involved with a BPD is extremely dangerous. Very real trauma bonds are formed. Stockholm syndrome. Deep emotional damage. Brain washing. PTSD. None of these collateral effects are things to laugh at. They are extremely serious and require a lot of therapy in most cases to recover from. Protect yourself why still have power. Walk away. I wish I would have done so and regret not making the right decision.

[tranch]

Thanks so much howzah.

Forest, Don't feel bad or embarrassed about your conflicted feelings. It's really hard to cut the cord. We've invested so much, and maybe it turned out to be a bad investment, or at least nothing like we hoped for.

I have to keep having little talks from ppl like Howzah to give me some common sense and remind me not to just forget the bad things and move on, which I'm so accustomed to doing.

[ozzanoid24]

wow,   I can see this differently when i am not the one posting initially


She is using you man. her dating someone else is enough to say she doesnt care about you.

so her  new \boyfriend(professor) tells her to straighten things out with you., who is to say she doesnt sleep with you , get BPD'ed and then just leave for her professor?

BOUNDRYS man. BOUNDRIES.

[forestofemotions]

Thank you all again.  You are an amazing help! 

My dad used to tell me she was like Lucy, holding the football for Charlie Brown (me) to punt, but every time I go for it, she pulls it away.  What a huge mind___.  A pretty good analogy though, I do believe.

[2010]

we do need to talk about the actual divorce we haven't filed yet.

Meanwhile, you're "hooking" up a few times, and she's a victim who's got another Man to rescue her from your persecution.  Any idea why the two of you are searching outside of yourselves for answers by involving other people?  It's the Karpmann Drama Triangle. All that triangulation (read definition) does is dump your pain on other people. I'm sure the Professor already knows, as he's asked her to "straighten" things out. Meanwhile you are minimizing his involvement as "not really dating." Sometimes in life you've got to stop using other people as pain relief- get on with the surgery and then let it heal.

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