He shaved his head bald

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

I haven't seen my former BPD bf in a couple of months.  A friend of mine called me today to warn me that he had shaved his head.  She said he looks very odd.  When I was with him he wanted to do this and I told him that I didn't think it was a good idea and never did it.  Now two years later he does it.  Problem is, I am going to see him in two days (no way to help it).  I am confused as how to act.  Should I be honest or just polite should he come up and talk to me?  If I were a lucky person he would not engage me in a conversation, but I am not usually so lucky.

I regret not being more truthful with him in the past.  In most cases I was so dumbfounded by his actions/words that I was left speechless and never said anything and just let the moment pass.  Which was actually nice since then it meant we did not get in a huge fight.  I am not so sure I can ignore the fact he is standing before me with a cue ball head.

I am thinking of saying "I know you were thinking about shaving your head. How do you like it?" Does that sound safe?  Hopefully he is not going to ask me what I think.

Honey

[Honey]

I haven't seen my former BPD bf in a couple of months.  A friend of mine called me today to warn me that he had shaved his head.  She said he looks very odd.  When I was with him he wanted to do this and I told him that I didn't think it was a good idea and never did it.  Now two years later he does it.  Problem is, I am going to see him in two days (no way to help it).  I am confused as how to act.  Should I be honest or just polite should he come up and talk to me?  If I were a lucky person he would not engage me in a conversation, but I am not usually so lucky.

I regret not being more truthful with him in the past.  In most cases I was so dumbfounded by his actions/words that I was left speechless and never said anything and just let the moment pass.  Which was actually nice since then it meant we did not get in a huge fight.  I am not so sure I can ignore the fact he is standing before me with a cue ball head.

I am thinking of saying "I know you were thinking about shaving your head. How do you like it?" Does that sound safe?  Hopefully he is not going to ask me what I think.

Honey

[2010]

If I were a lucky person he would not engage me in a conversation, but I am not usually so lucky.

What does luck have to do with intent? Nothing. What does luck have to do with willpower? Nothing. If it is your intention to engage him in conversation, luck (or bad luck as it appears) is only an excuse to continue dialogue with a person that hurt you.

Having to be in the same place with him is nothing less than having to go grocery shopping while you're on a diet. You dont go into a supermarket and find yourself in the cookies and candy aisle because you're unlucky.  You might want to tempt fate and walk the aisle to prove something to yourself- but for the most part- that's setting yourself up in order to fail- and it's your addictive brain talking *instead* of your rational reason. The addictive brain loves to blame bad decisions on "luck."

If you happen down that cookie/candy aisle without thought, and then pick up a box of Hostess *Ding Dongs* just to sniff them- you'll find out pretty quickly that one sniff leads to a touch, and a touch leads to a read of the label, then... .the Ding Dong gets thrown into the cart. What's it going to hurt? Certainly the Ding Dong wants this, right? The Ding Dong says, "why hello, you've obviously been thinking about me. You obviously care. And I care too- I care that I have you right where I want. What a coincidence you walked down this aisle. To see me? Now, touch me, tell me how you like my new bald headed snowball wrapper- ssssh- don't speak- take me Home... ."

Addictive thought doesn't want you to think about the first defense (dont go down the aisle) BUT if you find yourself in the aisle, do not loiter- do not make small talk. Get away- do your business shopping and LEAVE. Do not sniff the Ding Dong, do not touch the Ding Dong and do not read the label to figure out if Ding Dong's ingredients are healthy. They are not. He is a Ding Dong. A ding dong is only empty calories- and if you take a bite you will get a sugar high only to crash and burn later with nothing to show for it.

Put the Ding Dong Down.

[Believe]

2010, the Ding Dong parable is priceless. Thank you for posting that reply.

Honey, I completely agree, it's not about "luck". I'll pass along one of my favorite pieces of advice I've been given for situations just like yours:  "Let's hope for the best, but plan for the worst". The best case at your event is that you do not run into him at all. But, worst case, you do. So some careful planning should help you get through it: find your inner strength, and should you happen to run into him, a simple polite but uninviting "hello" would suffice, then MOVE ON! Be strong.

Let us know how it goes.

[left4good]

2010,

This had me laughing!  It's so right on though! 

Put the ding dong down!  I read that again just for one more laugh!

[JoannaK]

I'm not sure what the event is, but sometimes these meetings are inevitable... .  a mutual friend's event to which both of you are separatly invited; a family celebration or school event involving a child. 

If you are at such an event and you feel that he will approach you, then I think that a short, simple comment is best:  "You were always talking about shaving your head.  Excuse me, I need to go to the bathroom."  Civil, polite, but without any room for any longer conversation. 

[Freckles14]

omg ... .I love it! stay away from ding dongs, they are dangerous.

Honey, my ex shaved his head right before he dumped me. I said I didnt like it and when he said, "well everyone else does", I said, "like who?" ... .well that did it. He got ticked. He sent me a text and told me I was a FN Brat and then later a B----. He then completely ignored me for 2 weeks.

Maybe you're a better actress than I was ... .but honestly, if I were you, I'd pretend you didnt even see him and if he approaches you, say "oh hey" and move quickly away. Just my 2 cents.

[Want2know]

He is a Ding Dong. A ding dong is only empty calories- and if you take a bite you will get a sugar high only to crash and burn later with nothing to show for it.

Put the Ding Dong Down.

This was brilliant!  A Ding Dong is empty calories... .wow, that analogy really makes it all sink in.

My ex always used to threaten to shave his head... .either that, or dread locks.  I think something like what Joanna K said is the best route.  Short, simple and then walk away.

[marvel]

What's it going to hurt? Certainly the Ding Dong wants this, right?

BWahahahahahahahahaha! Oh man... .that was priceless.     

As for the shaved head, Honey, I think you're building this meeting up in your mind and making much more of it than it really needs to be. You don't need to have anxiety and worry about this. He isn't your boyfriend anymore and you don't have to put up with his crap.

If you want to be polite, ignore it. If he asks you what you think, smile sweetly and say, "It looks like ___." If he starts in, just walk away. Don't let it stress you out.

[innerspirit]

Find your inner strength, and should you happen to run into him, a simple polite but uninviting "hello" would suffice, then MOVE ON! Be strong.

Totally agree -- whether your XBF dons a shaved head or a really bad mullet or a clown wig or a haircut-he-got-when-his-Mom-put-a-bowl-on-top-of-his-head-and-cut-around-it --

why does it need to matter now to you at all?

Careful that you don't inject drama and crisis into something that's over.  And underneath that, careful that you don't crave it.  That's the part you can control.

Take the high road.  Even if he's installed Frankenstein bolts on either side of his neck.

(A sense of humor helps me thru such stuff.)

[BewilderBear]

Just my 2 cents:  I recently had to go through a picnic, before which I went through all the premeditation and worry you are prob doing as well.  I went with one of my female friends she didn't know.  It pretty much kept her away from me the whole time. I had someone else there to talk to at all times to avoid the whole 1 on 1 getting cornered thing.  She inevitably approached me.  i kept things superficial and had a reason to excuse myself on hand.

Not sure if going with ding dongs on your mind will be for the best.

Alternatively you could kick him in the ding dong, insult his shaved head, and run.

[Penguinectomy]

Careful that you don't inject drama and crisis into something that's over.  And underneath that, careful that you don't crave it.  That's the part you can control.

This just got written on one of my "Inspiration" index cards.  It's the crux of my reactions to uBPDxh.

[Intent_to_learn]

Put the Ding Dong Down! The new slogan for nonBPD's exiting to a better life!  Love it!  Print out and paste on computer screen to avoid going to Facebook to check out BPD's status/whereabouts/actions etc... . 

[havana]

I know you were thinking about shaving your head. How do you like it?" Does that sound safe?

It sounds safe to me. If he asks you how you like it tell him the truth. "It's OK but I prefer it on Yul Brenner"

[seeking balance]

Oh 2010 - If I were on FB these days, My status would be "put the ding dong down"

[justwantout]

Ding dong... .lmao, that is too funny and oh so appropriate.

Mine did the shaving of the head thing too, must be something to that!  He's still living here, think I said something along of the lines of, you always wanted to do that, good for you, and left it at that.  I wouldn't get into it with him. Make no comment on it or a super vauge one. 

[juner]

If he asks you how you like it tell him the truth. "It's OK but I prefer it on Yul Brenner"

 

[innerspirit]

Oh 2010 - If I were on FB these days, My status would be "put the ding dong down"

Or if you're more ticked off, "put the dang ding dong down."

[Honey]

I put the ding dong down.  He came up to me near the end of the evening and said "Why didn't you say anything about my hair?"  I told him because I was not surprised by it because I had been told about it, and he had mentioned wanting to shave his head when we were together. He then proceeded to tell me that I must have started a rumor about him because people are ignoring him and treating him diferently.  I told him I had not been around to spread rumors and what rumor would I spread anyways.  He had no idea, but he was sure I had been a busy body.  I told him people were treating him strange because of his shaved head. I told him the same thing happened to me when I was in a play and my hair was dyed black. 

After weeks of drama typical of a BPD he is allowing his hair to grow back and the truth comes out.

While giving himself a hair cut he messed up and shaved one side to close and had to shave his whole head.  He ended up liking the feel of the bald head but had to let it grow back in to match his ID for his first test of the medical boards.  (Just a side note, he just called say he didn't go take the test because he didn't sleep the night before and was "fuzzy".)

I really do feel sorry for the ding dong.

[innerspirit]

So you put the fuzzy ding dong down?

[ravill]

That ding dong analogy was priceless. I'm wondering why any continued communication happened? Right away he accuses you... .That's when you exit, stage right

[sosadandone]

WTH- what is with the shaved head business

Mine too!

I never figured it out. He would sit there and tell me he had considered shaving his head as it was common for surgeons to do that- Heck?

Ive already figured out the BDSM part but the shaved head business

Ill never understand

Its just plain weirdo

[innerspirit]

Ive already figured out the BDSM part but the shaved head business

Ill never understand

Its just plain weirdo

Must be SHPD -- the disorder that exists to shave itself.  Haha.

 ? ;p        

Do they all suffer from it?