I Don't Have To Make Everything All Better Author: Gary Lundberg Publisher: Penguin (Non-Classics) (May 1, 2000) Paperback: 336 pages ISBN-10: 0140286438 ISBN-13: 978-0140286434

Book Description
The Lundberg's address an all too common dilemma that arises when others expect us to solve their problems for them, showing readers how they can shed the no-win role of "fixer" and empower people to solve their own problems through validation--a simple yet profound communication tool that is essential to any healthy relationship. Very straightforward, this inspiring and entertaining work is for anyone who wishes to improve relationships with their partner, children, colleagues and friends.

The authors encourage "validation" a  technique for improving one-on-one communication that involves careful, empathetic listening to another person's feelings without judging, criticizing or attempting to solve his or her problems. The authors demonstrate this technique's  effectiveness in a variety of situations and provide readers with valuable coaching and specific responses, cautioning that authentic validation is grounded in respect and honesty, or else it might be seen as manipulation. The book includes many recognizable examples from their workshop practice and from their experience as parents of five. Some sample situations may be resolved a bit too easily for some tastes, but even the most jaded reader is bound to learn from the material, which holds special appeal for parents of young children. Anyone who has been confronted with a spouse or a child who had a bad day, a cranky customer, colleague or demanding relative stands to benefit from the Lundbergs' advice. Six Practical Principles That Empower Others to Solve Their Own Problems While Enriching Your Relationship:

Principle One: Be An Effective Validator

Principle Two: Leave The Responsibility Where It Belongs

Principle Three: Acknowledge Emotions

Principle Four: Develop the Art of Listening

Principle Five: Find the Right Time to Teach

Principle Six: Learn the Effective Validating Phrases and Questions

The examples given in the book have been criticized by some as being overly simplistic, and the book has religious and conservative overtones that may offend some. Nonetheless, the techniques and principles are sound.

About the Authors
Gary B. Lundberg, MA, MFT is a licensed marriage and family therapist. He and his wife, Joy, have co-authored the popular books on improving relationships Married for Better, Not Worse: The 14 Secrets to a Happy Marriage, and I Don't Have to Make Everything All Better: Six Practical Principles that Empower Others to Solve Their Own Problems While Enriching Your Relationships.

Gary formerly served on the behavioral medicine staff of Utah Valley Regional Medical Center. Before entering his marriage and family therapy education and practice, he worked as an account representative for IBM and as CEO of an electronics firm. He also served as a fighter pilot in the  United States Air Force for seven years.  

Gary is a performing vocalist and has recorded an album of song about  family love and faith entitled Heart to Heart.  Performed as one of the leads in a musical stage production for 237 performances, before audiences totaling over 200,000 people.  

Joy Saunders Lundberg is a lyricist and has written nearly 200 published songs with composer Janice Kapp Perry, including  I Walk By Faith.  She has written narratives and lyrics to four choir cantatas and is currently writing an album of songs for an international adoption agency.  She has also written with Dan Truman, keyboard player for the CMA award_winning country singing group Diamond Rio.  She has written two children’s books and co_authors books with her husband, Gary.

For the past seven years Joy has written scripts for the syndicated worldwide radio/TV broadcast "Music and the Spoken Word." She is the author of numerous magazine articles, and has an inspiring series of illustrated poetry on family and religious themes, sold in many bookstores.  She served as a writer and chair of a church curriculum committee for four years, writing lessons for an international audience.

Joy works side by side with Gary presenting workshops, seminars, and keynote addresses, including teaching classes annually at Brigham Young University Campus Education Week.

For the seven years Gary and Joy co-hosted a weekly radio talk show, covering subjects from how to deal with an irate neighbor, to setting effective boundaries with your teens, to putting the magic into your marriage. Due to their desire to put their heart and soul into their work with the World Family Policy Center at Brigham Young University they reluctantly resigned from the radio show. Still they periodically appear as guests on radio and TV shows across the country.

Gary and Joy are the parents of five children and have thirteen grandchildren.  

I too just finished ready this book and loved it.  I plan to reread with a highlighter.  It made me understand what validation really is, something I had not previously understood.  My DD20 has been telling me since she began therapy that I do not validate her.  Now, I realize that I probably didn't validate my children properly at all.  Beginning yesterday when I finished the book,  I am now making a conscious effort to validate everyone. 

lbjnitx-you gave a wonderful synopsis of what the book contains.  It was an easy read and they reiterated the following:

Listen to what is being said.

Listen to the feelings being expressed.

Listed to the needs being expressed.

Understand by putting yourself in the other person's shoes as best as you can.

This last statement is something I rarely do. I can see what a huge difference it will make in helping me learn to validate others.

This definitely is a must read book for us.

This book has made validation and boundaries so much more clear than anything else I have read. It is easy to understand and though changing how I think and respond is very very hard, this book offers so many practical ways to go about it. I have re-read some sections several times and can go back and easily refer to a specific part when struggling with a situation. I found something in each section that applies somewhere in my daily life. I love there focus - "Begin Today".

I want my dh to read this - it will help in our raising our gd5 and dealing with our BPDDD24 as well as each other and both our work situations. It is hard for him to pick up a book - so the authors' suggest become a living example of the skills as the best way to teach them. It really works when I can put these principles into action.

You won't get it perfect, but can keep going back and trying again. That is the part the renews my hope - both for myself and for those I care about in my life. I got a used copy for a couple $$ at Amazon.com.

qcr 

Thanks. The idea & the promises sound great. I will read the book.Hopefully it will help me put this into practice better, particularly with regard validating myself.

This book was recommended to me by the parent coach I worked with while my dd25 was in an RTC. 

Validation was an unknown concept to me, as I grew up in a non-validating environment and certainly didn't learn this powerful and simple tool growing up.

This book is also about setting boundaries, and how to enforce them in a gentle, but firm manner.

Mostly it is about really listening - and how to listen - another skill I sorely needed.

The most important parenting book I ever read, but the Lundberg's show how useful validation is in all relationships.  When I am able to put this in practice, I feel calmer and in control in potentially stressful conversations.  Everyone in my family has benefited from my attempts.  I say attempts because I'm due to reread this book and need to brush up on my skills.  Even if I am not validating in my responses, and slip into old patterns, I quickly realize it and correct myself.

What is it about the title of this book?  Whenever I recommend it to someone they take one look at the title and they're not interested.  I haven't had much luck getting others interested - though it is such a valuable book that makes me want to share it. 

I had already put my vote up on the poll.

Ashlynn

I used this book a LOT when I was writing The Essential Family Guide: New Tools and Techniques to Stop Walking on Eggshells. My copy is now very battered. Randi Kreger

I just finished this book and it is fantastic! So easy to read and understand with real scenarios to help you understand the concepts. Learning about validation has really helped my r/s with my s10 and after reading the book I am practising using these tools in my other r/ss and exchanges.

Having a validating T and validating friends has helped my healing so much since my BU with my uBPDexh. It has made a world of difference in me feeling safe and worthy. I highly recommend this book!