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How to communicate after a contentious divorce... Following a contentious divorce and custody battle, there are often high emotion and tensions between the parents. Research shows that constant and chronic conflict between the parents negatively impacts the children. The children sense their parents anxiety in their voice, their body language and their parents behavior. Here are some suggestions from Dean Stacer on how to avoid conflict.
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Author Topic: Did your exBPD have strange thoughts on love?  (Read 8116 times)
ArtistGuy70
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« on: October 26, 2010, 06:18:02 AM »

I remember my exgf had some really strange thoughts on love. It was during one of our earliest breakups years ago. She said she loved me but was not in love with me anymore (after a year). She even asked me, what does being in love mean to you? I explained it and she looked at me like I was speaking Japanese.

Her thoughts were:

"Being in love with someone is when you have this burning desire to be with someone, you need them, have to have them, want them."

I told her it sounded like lust or a honeymoon stage of a r/s and that being in love with someone was something different to me. She acted like she could not comprehend it like a child.

Any of your ex's like this?
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David Dare
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« Reply #1 on: October 26, 2010, 06:40:11 AM »

My ex did, but with different words.  She referred to it as energy.  I often found her explanations regarding her feelings very simplistic, abstract and confusing.  She explained this to me after she cheated and then again when she contacted me almost a year later.

"It was energy".  That was it.  No elaboration.  Just energy.  It's energy that compels her.  My interpretation of that is it's her overwhelming emotional impulses that she can't reign in that compels her, mania perhaps, but she describes it simply as "energy".  Maybe like the energizer bunny?  She just keeps going and going... .
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BillP
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« Reply #2 on: October 26, 2010, 06:54:41 AM »

My ex would I love you, and I care deeply for you. But... .I can't be in a loveless relationship. What the hell does that mean?

Then she would follow up with, I'm a monster and I don't deserve to be loved. I'm going to be alone the rest of my life.

In retrospect, she was right. She is a monster who doesn't deserve to be loved!
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ArtistGuy70
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« Reply #3 on: October 26, 2010, 07:08:19 AM »

My ex would I love you, and I care deeply for you. But... .I can't be in a loveless relationship. What the hell does that mean?

Then she would follow up with, I'm a monster and I don't deserve to be loved. I'm going to be alone the rest of my life.

In retrospect, she was right. She is a monster who doesn't deserve to be loved!

My ex also used to say she would be alone the rest of her life. And they make sure of it. It's a self fulfilling prophecy.
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innerspirit
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« Reply #4 on: October 26, 2010, 07:12:28 AM »

My ex also used to say she would be alone the rest of her life. And they make sure of it. It's a self fulfilling prophecy.

I got the opposite, as a curse -- he would threaten me that no other guy would ever put up with ______ (whatever defect du jour) from me.
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ArtistGuy70
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« Reply #5 on: October 26, 2010, 07:15:39 AM »

My ex also used to say she would be alone the rest of her life. And they make sure of it. It's a self fulfilling prophecy.

I got the opposite, as a curse -- he would threaten me that no other guy would ever put up with ______ (whatever defect du jour) from me.

It shows us how screwed up they are and no two of them are exactly alike. Mine wanted me to find someone new (she is being a martyr) and she would find someone who was going to make her happy. Good luck with that. I told her she will never be happy unless she was happy on the inside. But yeah, she always said she would wind up alone.
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fogbound
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« Reply #6 on: October 26, 2010, 07:39:30 AM »

Early in our r/s the was a incident where she and I were sitting on the bed facing each other. We touched cheek to cheek and held that for about thirty seconds. I was a very tender and powerful moment. I was so enmeshed with her at the time I actually felt the energy. I asked her what had happened and she said that our souls had connected and I believed it.

Fast forward to this summer when I was evicted from our home because I couldn't afford to take her on a July 4th holiday vacation.

Connected souls?

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ArtistGuy70
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« Reply #7 on: October 26, 2010, 08:26:27 AM »

Early in our r/s the was a incident where she and I were sitting on the bed facing each other. We touched cheek to cheek and held that for about thirty seconds. I was a very tender and powerful moment. I was so enmeshed with her at the time I actually felt the energy. I asked her what had happened and she said that our souls had connected and I believed it.

Fast forward to this summer when I was evicted from our home because I couldn't afford to take her on a July 4th holiday vacation.

Connected souls?

Just a user who was using YOU to make her dreams come true, give her a sense of identity. It was not real love like we know it.
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fogbound
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« Reply #8 on: October 26, 2010, 08:33:01 AM »

Well she sure found an easy mark. I went for it hook line and sinker.
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ArtistGuy70
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« Reply #9 on: October 26, 2010, 08:36:16 AM »

Well she sure found an easy mark. I went for it hook line and sinker.

I know. Me too, friend. We have to stop beating ourselves up over it. We are the normal ones and do not suspect people of having underlying scripts at work in their head and are dysfunctional. They are the ones who were dishonest, propped us up, lied and then discarded us. They do not know what real love is. Everything is about their needs.
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« Reply #10 on: October 26, 2010, 08:36:54 AM »

I was thinking that, for Christmas, I would send the x an Oscar. Because, let's face it folks, performances like these do not come around much. These ppl (BPD's) would make the Deniro's & Pacino's of the world envious of their skills for being such great actors.

Just my 2 cents.  Smiling (click to insert in post)
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ArtistGuy70
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« Reply #11 on: October 26, 2010, 08:40:53 AM »

I was thinking that, for Christmas, I would send the x an Oscar. Because, let's face it folks, performances like these do not come around much. These ppl (BPD's) would make the Deniro's & Pacino's of the world envious of their skills for being such great actors.

Just my 2 cents.  Smiling (click to insert in post)

They certainly know how to perform to get what they want. Remember, they wanted us. They mirrored us. They desired us and loved us (as they can love). But, they soon wanted others. They soon desired more. We were not filling those voids up anymore they had inside since childhood. So, they resort to what they know: Lying, cheating, selfishness.
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« Reply #12 on: October 26, 2010, 09:27:30 AM »

Hmm, it's interesting to hear how many pwBPD jump from partner to partner, whether sexual or not.  My ex always assumed that I was the one seeing other men.  I'm sorry.  I just find it completely absurd, considering that the relationship from start to finish was only two months!  He said he had not been in a relationship for two years before meeting me.  Yet he refused to acknowledge that we had a relationship.  Yet he wanted there to be daily contact and trust and openness and everything that constituted a full-blown relationship.  He didn't want a commitment, yet he got upset with me because he thought I was not committed to him.

I recall one conversation where he said that love is accepting the other person, warts and all.  Bah, tall order coming from him!   

That conversation started because he was cursing off some child in the distance, and I was abhorred by his behavior.  He continued and adamantly stated that he hates children and never wants them.  I reminded him that I would like to have children one day, but he turned it around and said our communication isn't good because I had never shared this desire of mine with him.  But I did!  Oh yes I did!  And I'm always gushing over my niece and friends' children.  He then said my behavior didn't match that desire, that I need to open up and be all lovey-dovey.  What he failed to grasp is that I would like to have a family, but with the right man, not necessarily with him right then and there!  Again, we had only known each other for a month at that point, for Pete's sake!

So, yeah, his simple idea of love seems reasonable, but... .I don't know.  There were moments when he was lucid and made perfect sense and he seemed to get things.  But then he would become the total opposite.
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Crystal Ball
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« Reply #13 on: October 26, 2010, 09:40:58 AM »

My ex also used to say she would be alone the rest of her life.

I got the opposite, as a curse -- he would threaten me that no other guy would ever put up with ______ (whatever defect du jour) from me.


OK ~ I got both of these from my uBPDxbf.  Now that I'm starting to understand BPD, I guess it depended on the day (if I was white or black).  I'd either be 'too good for him' or 'not good enough for anybody'. 
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BillP
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« Reply #14 on: October 26, 2010, 09:45:56 AM »

Oh yeah, I forgot this nugget from the ex. She would tell me that she was so lucky to have me in her life. Then, a few hours later, tell me how disguisted I made her feel.

Get your tickets here for the next ride on the rollercoaster! I'm lucky my neck never snapped from all of the twists and turns she put me through.
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ArtistGuy70
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« Reply #15 on: October 26, 2010, 01:17:16 PM »

Oh yeah, I forgot this nugget from the ex. She would tell me that she was so lucky to have me in her life. Then, a few hours later, tell me how disguisted I made her feel.

Get your tickets here for the next ride on the rollercoaster! I'm lucky my neck never snapped from all of the twists and turns she put me through.

I did not have the rageful borderline like some of you. Mine was more of the waif, then queen. She was very manipulative. She lied, probably cheated (I cannot see how she didn't), refused to talk about feelings, acted on impulse, was hypersensitive, hypersexual (then abstained for periods), depressed, etc. When she got enraged, it would be against other people, not me (usually).
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The_411
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« Reply #16 on: October 26, 2010, 08:53:41 PM »

Artist,

Yes to your question. It always felt like she craved the attention from men and loved the honeymoon period before she got bored or the guys allegedly left. Quite a few it appears have ditched her on her birthday for some reason (Of course the reason is that they couldn't deal with her, but I did always wonder why her birthday was such a  focal point). I even asked her about the relationship with a guy from another country who worked on the cruise ship and she indicated that she loved the fantasy part of it.

Medical community has indicated that PwBPD lack the bonding chemicals or great enough quantity of them (I can't remember which) to develop long and sustained relationships and that sex does raise those levels that's why they can show some insight and depth after sex. However, absent continous sex, they don't trust their partners and they constantly chase relationships for the fill the void as they believe that will end their misery/pain.

In my case I too got the not attracted to you part as well and it's a bunch of crap really. It means that they realize that you've run your course and you don't give them those same feelings that they got at the beginning and they need the chase and chemical process of chasing a new relationship (i.e recycling). They're incapable of developing the chemical bonding that nons do so they're ultimately trapped into repeating the honeymoon period over and over again.

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PotentiallyKevin
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« Reply #17 on: October 26, 2010, 09:07:08 PM »

Oh yes... .I could go on and on about how she had a skewed version of love... .she actually had a phrase for it, calling it "True Love" and she always reminded me of how I didn't have "True Love" for her.

She used this as a weapon against me, because I desired more than anything for her to accept my love as "true,"  because to me, I was doing anything in my power and sacrificing everything to show her I loved her... .

The worst thing about it all, is it wasn't reciprocated... .

After the relationship, this really stunted my ability to open myself up again to the notion of love. Life just seems so fake after a relationship with someone who has BPD. I didn't know which way was up or down... .I think it is a lesson for us Nons that we need to learn and master, which is to love ourselves without conditions. At least for me, I was always looking for others to confirm that I am worth loving. Thankfully now, my love for myself is independent of others. I now have an Anchor which I was missing before and during the BPD relationship, which is very comforting - and have the ability to define my own definition of love.

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po·ten·tial  adj.
1. Capable of being but not yet in existence; latent: a potential greatness.
2. Having possibility, capability, or power.
3. The inherent ability or capacity for growth, development, or coming into being.
4. Something possessing the capacity for growth or development.
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« Reply #18 on: October 26, 2010, 09:20:36 PM »

My X ''what is love,who knows? I dont and if I did I wouldnt need it,its just too hard'', great logical thinking there Laugh out loud (click to insert in post)!

She also said she knew she would end up alone because of how she is and no man would tolerate her for too long but also said she didnt have a problem(BPD/NPD) and I was the one with the problem along with all her previous men.

She knows very well what love is but cant sustain it so settles for  a meal,drinks,sex and '' see you again sometime when I want to have some fun'' and she does this with a number of different men all at the same time,they just dont know it.
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« Reply #19 on: October 27, 2010, 05:19:49 AM »

Excerpt
"Being in love with someone is when you have this burning desire to be with someone, you need them, have to have them, want them."

Mine says and said the same. It is about the lust and falling in love thing, the madness. It is a bit like a drug.

It is a bit like addiction.

It changes over time because you get to know the person - love develops into something more profound, deeper. It is somehow superficial. It is about the feeling and not so much about the person.

He gets bored easily. He needs new people. He needs new conquest. I am quite astonished that he could last 11 years without cheating on me. He said it was lack of opportunity.

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WalrusGumboot
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« Reply #20 on: October 27, 2010, 08:29:25 AM »

Artist, me and my W of 23 years are pursuing a divorce over this lack of "in love" feeling I allegedly have for her. At the same time she says that I won't have trouble remarrying because I have everything a woman would want in a husband, and maybe I can feel eternally "in love" with somebody else.
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ArtistGuy70
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« Reply #21 on: October 27, 2010, 08:57:47 AM »

Artist, me and my W of 23 years are pursuing a divorce over this lack of "in love" feeling I allegedly have for her. At the same time she says that I won't have trouble remarrying because I have everything a woman would want in a husband, and maybe I can feel eternally "in love" with somebody else.

Ugh. Sorry. Yeah mine told me how better off I'll be with another woman and how she will be lucky to have me,  how great I am, etc. It is like they feel they do not deserve us or happiness. They know they are always looking for more. Whatever. It was before I was painted black of course. Now I am a controlling, jealous jerk.
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innerspirit
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« Reply #22 on: October 27, 2010, 09:25:56 AM »

Literally sleeping together is more sacred than sex.
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« Reply #23 on: October 27, 2010, 10:14:11 AM »

It really is baffling to read about what are literally mirrored experiences we all seem to have with our BPD's.  I know how common it is with others on this board commenting on 'the script', but it really is utterly dumbfounding to see it in print.

I too, got the line that I'd find a woman that would love me the way I should be, that I didn't deserve to be treated like I was, etc.  She would come up with a dozen or so reasons why she didn't deserve me, and try to sell my good points to pump me up for someone else.

Then, when she split, it would be 'no woman would want a fat, useless loser without a decent job', sometimes followed up by a slap or head-flick if I was a passenger in the (HER) car.

I'm in the middle of a divorce from this one, and she was re-engaging me on the weekend talking reconciliation, all from her AP's house.  I was split white then, but after the L meeting yesterday, I'm back to DEEP black. Laugh out loud (click to insert in post)

So, love?  Only when she was being dosed with compliments and admiration.  Constant sex to keep her happy wasn't an option for me, because by this time, no sex was better than bad sex.  I was stuck in her disengaging mode because she wasn't 'in love' with me anymore. She was off to greener pastures.

What keeps me in good spirits is that I know she hates kids, didn't want any more, yet hooked up with a guy that has two young ones.  They were screaming and running around behind her on the call yesterday, and boy was it irritating her, because she was taking it out on me! :P

That's love, baby!
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gutzgutz
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« Reply #24 on: October 27, 2010, 01:22:15 PM »

Excerpt
I too, got the line that I'd find a woman that would love me the way I should be, that I didn't deserve to be treated like I was, etc.  She would come up with a dozen or so reasons why she didn't deserve me, and try to sell my good points to pump me up for someone else.

Yes, same to me. He told me that I am so lovable and that there are so many men out there who would like somebody lovely, ... .like me. I deserve to be treated better, and he does not deserve me ... .

Have heard it all.

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OverBoard
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« Reply #25 on: October 27, 2010, 05:50:34 PM »

Ex BPDNPDbpgf said, "I fall in love with whom I fall in love with. Interesting and different people, doesn't matter if it's a man or a woman. If I find someone that I have chemistry with, I go for it. You only live once"~~~~~~~red-flag


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« Reply #26 on: October 28, 2010, 04:05:38 PM »

Same sorts of things here.  "I love you soo much."  "I don't deserve to have you in my life."  "There are so many other girls that would love to have you as their boyfriend."  Then:  "You will never find anyone else who will put up you."  "I am the only person in the world who cares about what you think."  "You'll never love me as much as I love you." "You don't really love me."

Like someone else said, she was trapped in the honeymoon phase.  So long as it felt like that, everything was good.  I was working myself sick to keep it there, and I finally got out before I burned out completely.
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Benny
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« Reply #27 on: October 28, 2010, 04:31:20 PM »

My X also said she doesnt fall in love but will sleep with a man as long as he is interesting.

She said to me one night while raging at me ''Yes I will f^^^k other men, Im not a nun and anyway thats what adults do, your obviously not man enough to handle that!''... .great stuff Laugh out loud (click to insert in post)!
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« Reply #28 on: October 28, 2010, 06:50:28 PM »

About strange thoughts about love.

Just came into my mind - and I admit I read this text on his computer.

He had written about why he started seeing the other woman:

Got bored with K. Needed somebody new. Met S. on Second Life. Helped her with buying computer. We kissed in car.

And then they had sex the next day.

Etc. etc.

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Misfit225
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« Reply #29 on: October 28, 2010, 08:42:48 PM »

Mine would say that it was butterflys in her stomach when she would see me or kiss me. She said she did not have those anymore and could not wait to find someone who made her feel that way agian.
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