Confused about BPD's sexual orientation

[Looking for Peace]

Hi,

My spouse has BPD and we're in marriage counseling.  He's a male and I'm female. 

Lately things have gotten worse with his acting out espcially since the counselor has been working with us on being more intimate.  He's started drinking more and is unaccountable for a few hours sometimes. He disappears out of nowhere.  He'll flirt with another women and act like he's interested in her than say "i'm crazy".  It really hurts me, because he's not intimate with me. Years ago he had an affair with a female coworker that he claims was just emtional after his adopted mother died.

During that time period I caught him on our webcam with another MAN masterbating.  I'm so confused.  I guess that I blocked that out until now.  When the counseling started working with us on being more intimate and I've made advances towards him he's turning away and acting out even worse.

Does anyone have a clue if he's gay or bisexual what any of this means.  I know that as an adult I can leave.  I'm just looking for anwers... .     

 

 

   

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[iluminati]

What you mentioned is an interesting one.  As you may have heard, self-identity can be fluid with BPD, and from time to time that can be sexual orientation.  Ironically, through my wife, I met a woman with BPD in the reverse situation, where she had lived a happy lesbian lifestyle all of her life, partnered for 11 years, married for 3... .until one day she filed for divorce and moved in with her BOYfriend.  I think between the instability of self and what you mentioned in earlier posts about the need for attention, the guy on the webcam spoke for itself.  My sympathies to you.

[butrflyblue]

I think that the only thing that can be deducted here is that his behavior is not acceptable to you. Would it matter if he admitted to you that he enjoys both men and women? I think seeing what you did is enough to make anyone wonder. What it comes down to (and I mentioned this in a previous post) is do you want to continue the relationship with this type of thing going on? If you were comfortable with it you probably would not have even posted this. I caught my BPDh recently carrying on inappropriate conversations with an ex and I told him that I did not want a relationship with him and wanted a divorce if this was what he wanted to do. I love him but I want a decent life for me and my baby(on the way) and I am not ok with sharing him. I understand and accept that he has a disorder but  I will not stay in a relationship involving any type of infidelity. Each person has to decide for themselves what they can and can't live with but I feel considering the quality of life is as important as taking into consideration the BPD in your life's disorder. My prayers are with you. I know this is painful

Butrfly

[Looking for Peace]

Thank you for your replies!    I do not want to continue the relationship with him under these circumstances.  Living without trust and security has been so difficult.  I'm trying to give him a chance to work with the counselor to improve things, but when I start going back through the life I've shared with him in my mind I do find myself saying "WHY"?  Why would I want this to work!  Either way he's not offering me a nice life.

[stayingfornow]

Hi LFP - don't know if you saw my post from 28th Oct but a similar thing has been a big deal for me too. I have avoided it for a long time and last week decided that i just couldn't cope with it anymore.

It is a brave thing to do, to face up to things, but it is very very scary.

My heart goes out to you - stay strong

x  x

[Looking for Peace]

   Thank you so much for your support.  You guys have really opened my eyes.  It's funny how you feel things in your heart, but need comfirmation sometimes. 

Stayingfornow, I just read your post from the Oct. 28th and it's very similar.  My BPDS is into into they Voyeurism thing and had asked me before to have sex with someone else for his thrills.  I put my foot down and stopped participating in all of the strange things he was involved  with.  Things in our sex life really went down hill after that, but I feel much better as a person. He's unable to be untimate without all of that extreme excitment and I've finally figured out that it's his problem not mine.  I'm starting to feel like being by myself would be much better than living his lies and distructive lifestyle. 

I wasn't religious until I started dealing with the problems in my life.  I'm thankful that this situation has brought me closer to GOD and that I've found peace and calmness during my rocky times. I came across this beautiful verse that I hope will give you strength as well:

"Even youths grow tired and weary, and young men stumble and fall; but those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint".  Stay strong and take good care of yourself! 

[Hydroman]

I know I am responding a couple years after you posted your question.  I'm curious what you found out.  My wife has BPD and thinks she is gay now (after 11 years of marriage and 3 children).  I watch her actions-she is very flirtatious with men and enjoys thier attention so I too wonder if it is the BPD and not really her being gay.   She was in a lesbian relationship for about a year in college but before we got married, she assured me she was stratight.   Its hard enough to deal with BPD but now this too.