BPD use n/c as punishment

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Is it possible that those with BPD use n/c as punishment for us non'S. What I mean is, do BPD's use n/c to punish us for whatever reason, which then allows them to justify doing "whatever" it is they want to do for a period of time. Then /recycle back to us non's?

Reason I ask is because I have read so much about using n/c as the best tool to free oneself from the mental grip BPD's have on us. Yet, there seems to be overwhelming evidence that somewhere down the road, the BPD decides (again, for whatever reason) to contact the non.

BTW - I'm 8 weeks since I moved out of the House of Horrors, and 9 weeks of n/c. I still am holding on to the belief that the ex will never contact me again. Despite what everyone has told me.

[BillP]

Is it possible that those with BPD use n/c as punishment for us non'S. What I mean is, do BPD's use n/c to punish us for whatever reason, which then allows them to justify doing "whatever" it is they want to do for a period of time. Then /recycle back to us non's?

Reason I ask is because I have read so much about using n/c as the best tool to free oneself from the mental grip BPD's have on us. Yet, there seems to be overwhelming evidence that somewhere down the road, the BPD decides (again, for whatever reason) to contact the non.

BTW - I'm 8 weeks since I moved out of the House of Horrors, and 9 weeks of n/c. I still am holding on to the belief that the ex will never contact me again. Despite what everyone has told me.

[Rubies]

They THINK it's punishment, but the truth is, it's sweet relief!  They are the ones with abandonment issues, not us.  It's nice getting a break from having my head messed with. 

When he was still here at the house, I enjoyed getting the silent treatment.

[RealEyes]

The sad thing about dealing with a BPD is that their NC to us might be actually many new or recycle contacts again for them, so it may appear they have gone NC to you but far from what they may being doing in real time without you. So, unfortunately, any contact or NC with them will always feel like punishment for us.

[Mason06]

BTW - I'm 8 weeks since I moved out of the House of Horrors, and 9 weeks of n/c. I still am holding on to the belief that the ex will never contact me again. Despite what everyone has told me.

I'm about the same period of time out of mine though we only dated a year and never lived together.  I know he's with someone else but after what I've read on here I'm seriously concerned I may be hearing from him in a matter of months when things with his new victim stop working out for him… eek!  Though I'm actually kinda looking forward to the satisfaction of ignoring his attempts to contact me so, in a selfish way, I kinda hope he does try!

[BillP]

Don't get me wrong here. I like the n/c. It has actually allowed me to realize that I am a damn good person, and I will continue to do good things for myself, and for others. I really believe the ex will never contact me again. A friend at work who has never dealt with anyone like this in his entire life thinks she's like a black widow spider. When she's done with you, she's done with you forever! You know what, it felt good to hear that!

I was trying to see what others who have been through this experience have felt like with n/c in place. Whether they felt as though the ex was punishing them for whatever twisted reason. Also, I wanted to know if anyone has gone through short or long periods of n/c, only to have the BPD come back with new material to try and get them back into the wonderful world of dealing with someone with BPD.

[GlennT]

imo They never go NC when with you. Your are stuck in their clutches until they are finished with you... .and/or find a replacement... .or a Mack truck pulls you out.

[Crystal Ball]

I really believe the ex will never contact me again.

So did I.  I would have bet a $1 million on it.  I got an email 2 weeks ago after 10 weeks NC.

I was trying to see what others who have been through this experience have felt like with n/c in place. Whether they felt as though the ex was punishing them for whatever twisted reason.

Foremost, I think he's busy with someone else so NC is easy for him.  Plus, I think he was hoping I'd contact him... .it would give him power and control.

Also, I wanted to know if anyone has gone through short or long periods of n/c, only to have the BPD come back with new material to try and get them back into the wonderful world of dealing with someone with BPD.

He didn't have 'new material', he used the old stuff that used to work.  I can see now how it was all manipulation.  He doesn't know I found this site and wised up.  Not wise enough to not read it though. 

[RealEyes]

Don't get me wrong here. I like the n/c. It has actually allowed me to realize that I am a damn good person, and I will continue to do good things for myself, and for others. I really believe the ex will never contact me again. A friend at work who has never dealt with anyone like this in his entire life thinks she's like a black widow spider. When she's done with you, she's done with you forever! You know what, it felt good to hear that!

I was trying to see what others who have been through this experience have felt like with n/c in place. Whether they felt as though the ex was punishing them for whatever twisted reason. Also, I wanted to know if anyone has gone through short or long periods of n/c, only to have the BPD come back with new material to try and get them back into the wonderful world of dealing with someone with BPD.

Its like this, the right one for you, if they have had some reason to go NC, will ALWAYS come back with NOTHING but the best for the both of you to RISE TO LOVE WITH after he's explained why, but the wrong one will only make you FALL again and again for nothing but asking yourself WHAT DID I DO AGAIN that will prevent you from ever knowing what REAL LOVE really feels like for years to come.

Whats the saying, Dont Worry,, BE HAPPY!

Or should i say SAY NO to SOBs with BPD?

[BillP]

Crystal, I'm not a gambler, but I feel quite certain that the "Monster" will never rear its ugly head my way again. But, if I had a million dollars, I'm sure I'd have heard from her by now.  haha

RealEyes - so funny, and yet, so true!

But it still amazes me how folks can go through such a traumatic experience and even entertain the idea of going back. Besides n/c, I don't think the ex can find me. The only way that I know of her having a way to communicate was through FB, but she's blocked. And she has no idea where I live (hope not).

I would think that after a considerable time of n/c, what could make them possibly think we would want to hear whatever it is they want to say to us?

[Crystal Ball]

I would think that after a considerable time of n/c, what could make them possibly think we would want to hear whatever it is they want to say to us?

It's not about YOU, it's about THEM... .it's always about them and what they need, want, etc.  That's the reason coming back 2 months or 2 years later doesn't make any sense to us nons.  We keep thinking logically and in terms of 'how could they think we would want to hear whatever they'll say'.  A normal person wouldn't attempt to contact you under the same circumstances.  You have to keep in mind we are dealing with the mentally ill.   x

[RealEyes]

Right now s'he could be talking to a dying person on the street about its problem while that person is pleading for it to please SHUT UP and call 911! They dont care who they dump on as long as your eyes are at attention for them and if not they will resuscitate you, i mean reengage you unlike anyone on earth can just to make sure you get them before you eat a bullet to stop the pain!

[BillP]

I guess I consider myself a lucky person then because there willl never be a need to resuscitate or rengage me from the ex. The great thing has been the knowledge I've aquired over the past few months. And it is powerful. It is more powerful than anything the ex could ever say to me! I have no desire, nor will I be the one that breaks n/c. No matter what happens.

Bottom line for me, I can't afford to ever go back to the way I lived. No one should have to go through that. And for those who have put up with those who have BPD for years, you have my heartfelt respect & sympathy. Being painted black works for me. She will not /recyle me ever again! I keep hearing about how it's all about them. And that really motivates me to remain n/c. Now, it's all about me.

[FreeToBe]

Bill, I went 7 mos total nc, totally convinced that I would never hear from her again... .Then her text came out of the blue and messed me up again, though I did not respond.  Now, 5 months later, Im secretly hoping she'll try again.

Are you secretly hoping she'll try?  I was.  You dont feel validated for more than a couple days- then you feel like crap again.

[iceman10]

imo They never go NC when with you. Your are stuck in their clutches until they are finished with you... .and/or find a replacement... .or a Mack truck pulls you out.

My exBPDgf broke the relationship by phone and went NC 10 month ago. One month before the breakup she had a 5 day NC period. Haven't heard anything since the breakup. She didn't respond to the e-mails I sent after the breakup. Whether she one day will contact me I don't know. I doubt it.

It is a mistake to think pwBPDs behave alike. They don't. There are many posts here about pwBPDs who disappeared and began NC.

[ArtistGuy70]

They are all different.

Mine left me (well, we went on a break). During the break I caught her with her married boss. She lied. And lied. And lied.

Guess she wanted to keep me on the backburner, huh? Whenever she NEEDS me.

Finally she admitted to some of it. I gave her crap back, told her not to contact me again.

She emails ten days later by phone about something made up. Then emails a few more times. Always throwing that hook out into the water. Then when I saw her on 9-11, she flirted with me. Since then I have not replied to anything she sent. Always crap. Always wanting a reaction. Screwed up.

[BillP]

I think there's 2 things in place her that work in my favor of the n/c lasting forever, or until I die. 1. I exposed her past abuse on FB. That's huge regardless of any mental state. Just the fact that I did that stupid act I believe definitely validates her never coming back around. 2. She has no way of contacting me. And I doubt she's going to drive around town looking for me at various places. JMHO

[3rdID]

Are you secretly hoping she'll try?  I was.  You dont feel validated for more than a couple days- then you feel like crap again.

Interesting. I would be. Is it possible just to hook up with your BPDex for sex? If they are offering why not just take that and use them for that. I know the emotional attachment love component complicates things, but say you can detach. Just use them for your own gratification like they use us? Is that being dumb or can that work?

[JWS]

Are you secretly hoping she'll try?  I was.  You dont feel validated for more than a couple days- then you feel like crap again.

Interesting. I would be. Is it possible just to hook up with your BPDex for sex? If they are offering why not just take that and use them for that. I know the emotional attachment love component complicates things, but say you can detach. Just use them for your own gratification like they use us? Is that being dumb or can that work?

You can probably answer this yourself right?

I have been 10 weeks N/C. In that ten weeks I have received two emails DELETED, one paper letter BURNED and received a box from her with a return address of her best friends 5 year old son. Sneaky huh?

I sent it back unopened and return to sender. Some 5 year old kid is going to get a package and go WTH?

NO CONTACT works. for US! I know its hard and yes i was implored to see what she had to say but then I asked myself. Do I really care that much? I care as much as she cared about me when she was taking the root from another guy while in love with me. or so she said. I can't believe anything that come from her head why would i believe it in written form?

[BillP]

Bill, I went 7 mos total nc, totally convinced that I would never hear from her again... .Then her text came out of the blue and messed me up again, though I did not respond.  Now, 5 months later, Im secretly hoping she'll try again.

Are you secretly hoping she'll try?  I was.  You dont feel validated for more than a couple days- then you feel like crap again.

I guess maybe I am secretly I'm hoping she contacts me. But I will not break n/c. It really is about where I am, and what it took to get here, how & why. I can never forget what she has done to me, and I must never let her work her magic on me. But I'd like to see her try. hehehe

[3rdID]

I have been 10 weeks N/C. In that ten weeks I have received two emails DELETED, one paper letter BURNED and received a box from her with a return address of her best friends 5 year old son. Sneaky huh?[/quote]
JWS... .were you married. Did she initiate divorce or breakup?

[JWS]

I have been 10 weeks N/C. In that ten weeks I have received two emails DELETED, one paper letter BURNED and received a box from her with a return address of her best friends 5 year old son. Sneaky huh?

JWS... .were you married. Did she initiate divorce or breakup?

We were not married (Thank God) and she initiated the breakup saying that a relationship with me was "too great an emotional toll on her." I bet it was.

She left me for another guy twice in the relationship. Both times she left. This time is the last time. And I mean LAST!

She initiated it and I have been completely NC since the initial pathetic, feeble attempts by me at keeping the relationship together. Then one day i just said F*** her. It was then i realized I lost all my self respect and dignity.

I found out about BPD in my search for answers as to her behavior patterns during the aftermath. Then the light bulb went off and I had my answers. I have been NC ever since. I have not reached out in any way shape or form. She has discovered my research into it, she may even be lurking this board reading my posts since one of her emails was entitled REALLY? BPD REALLY?

Yes REALLY!

[Zero_Gravity]

It might be punishment but there are other possiblities as well:

1) Out of sight out of mind... .And they are living a honeymoon with another victim. Hey they never loved us in the first place, we are all objects to them. After breakup... .in two days they reach to the point you reach in 6 months.

2) They cannot contact with us because, it is too painful for them since we removed the facade they were wearing, we expose the real them. If they contact us they see the ugly them... .

My ex uBPD gf did the same thing on the end of July 2010, I did not hear from her since then but I know she is still living a honeymoon with another victim whom she arranged during our relationship was alive.

There were some forums on did they really love us?. Despite to other opinions, I don't think they love(d) us or anybody else.  they go into relationships to show or prove to their parents how good and worthy they are (living the past today) and get unsuccesfull again and again and again... .Don't forget these are sick mind thinkings, do not think and rationalize things with your own logic... Your own logic is not logical here... .LOL... .

Zero

[OverBoard]

Here's a different twist on things.

My exBPDNPDbpgf was NOT in NC with me. We shared text daily for the last 4 months. Then on Sunday the 7th I get a barrage of text after she saw some of my personal ad post, nothing out of the norm... stating I would like to make friends and am not into anything serious as dating. Spoke the truth, what I'm looking for, interest, etc. No lies or misgivings and since they ARE online sites, I never put my actual location. A city next to me, yes. For safety factors. Should I chat with someone and feel trusting, then I will disclose my location... not like I put I live 5,000 miles a way... a mile at the most.

She came across them. HATE text calling me every name in the book, and then some. (mind you, I have NOT seen her in 4 months, she is re-situated with shiny new objects, one after another, working full time, etc... .we were ONLY texting here and there)... So... she goes off, degrades me, calls me a liar, fake, to shovel my bs someplace else and she doesnt care whom Im dating... yet, I told her the truth in text as to "why" I do not put my personal location and that if she read it, it stated "friends only, no dating"...

she blocked me from contact. Went total NC... punishment... ohhhhhhhhhhh yeah... .in her world. Needed the last word? Yep.

Then last night at 11pm I get a phone call, no msg. from her enabler... out of state. I recognize the ph. number. No msg. left. So NOW she is having a friend check up on me... evil crap... .to see if my number is working. Why? Oh the games they play... .I did NOT inquire in any form as to why she blocked me. I did not email, call her work or email her at work. I went silent... my own NC and now she is curious as to whether or not my phone is blocked... so she has someone else do the deed.

I'm so done with this hit_. Pardon my language. Its one sided with them. Ok for her to date the day she is kicked out and continue to run thru men like no tomorrow and I'm here not seeing ANYONE, just merely posting for some human contact.

[RealEyes]

Interesting. I would be. Is it possible just to hook up with your BPDex for sex? If they are offering why not just take that and use them for that. I know the emotional attachment love component complicates things, but say you can detach. Just use them for your own gratification like they use us? Is that being dumb or can that work?

The Post below are about how its been since we got back together bc i still desired sex with him and he me (even had gifts for me when we got back together) after the storm calmed down, hope you can find time to read them. Even thou we didn't depart on bad terms this time, i now simply dont yearn him like i did before (yay!) but 1 reason is bc i haven't been to the gym (chest cold) where we'd peek at each other working out n ways that reminded us of certain positions we enjoy doing in our other playground, he even started to come to the Spa where we'd see each other in nothing but my sexy new animal print swimsuit and his oddly saggy speedo trunks on a now leaner body that he thinks is fat? That would really get our blood flowing to certain parts of our anatomy when we'd come together in the Spa. I'm also trying to stay away for the drama i'm sure he'll create during these next 2 months bc of his dysfunctional family dynamics, married twice, and is a gramps at 42 with a 3yo from his last gf, so i'm avoiding him until next year if we are still both single but actually thats when i tend to find a new, not recycled r/s around the New Year, crossing my fingers & toes    

What im saying is by us hooking up for at least sex this time, i was able to get over him and on good terms on top of it all because i saw a pattern emerging again, so i moon walked out before he attempted to take me on the Titanic for the next 2 holidays months   

take care

   

We're seeing each other again...

« on: October 02, 2010, 06:11:54 PM »

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=129441.msg1271660#msg1271660


« Reply #9 on: November 10, 2010, 10:44:55 AM »

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=132237.msg1296236#msg1296236


« Reply #6 on: Yesterday at 05:57:21 PM »

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=132499.msg1298246#msg1298246

[BillP]

Most of the replies to this thread, and alot of folks here on this site have some kind of contact with their ex at some point. A few weeks, months, whatever. The good thing for me is, there is no way for the Monster to contact me. Her friends will never contact me, as they all believe her. Yeah, I know, a real shocker!

I know that for some, going back to the ex, even if only for sex, helps with a form of closure. But for me, knowing who the new guy is/was, I could never even shake her hand, let alone, anything more. And to be quite honest, she wasn't that good! Sorry, just being honest here. Even in the beginning. I guess maybe I can thank her dad (deceased) for that!

I like the n/c, she doesn't know where I'm at. Although I'm sure she's heard from a close friend that I am losing weight and getting in shape, and look better than when I left the House of Horrors. Besides, with my studies, I don't need her renting anymore space in my head then necessary.

[2010]

do BPD's use n/c to punish us for whatever reason, which then allows them to justify doing "whatever" it is they want to do for a period of time?

Yes. It is a personality disorder. The actual question should be: Why do I feel punished when my ex-partner withdraws?

Additional questions are: What is the reaction to my feelings of punishment? (chances are, it's anxiety.)

Do I feel wronged?

Do I seek revenge?

Do I then re-engage to let them know how hurtful their behavior is?

You've already done this. And it has failed. That is why you are here now, discussing it with others who have also failed.

Borderline personality disorder is disordered thinking. You and I cannot stop disorder from happening.  The only thing we can do is to remove ourselves from the objectified triangulation (read definition) of the disorder. Staying and trying to make sense of it (trying to make order out of disorder) is only going to cause you insanity. You cannot play with a disordered person and expect a wonderful outcome.  Most therapists have their offices full of people who have tried and are still trying.

What you can do is accept Borderline for what it is and implement boundaries. Failing to have boundaries is what is causing you anxiety (turmoil) as you return over and over again to seek relief from the very person that *causes* your anxiety. It is a failed relief system.

The better and more hard edged your boundaries are, the better equipped you'll be with disengaging. Given a little bit of distance, you'll see how this failed relief system has gone on too long and traveled too far without the desired result you seek- which is freedom from stress and anxiety.  Your life cannot continually be wrapped up in another person's disordered thinking without feeling uneasy and unsure, so stop returning to that person for relief.

Rearrange the hierarchy in the relationship and take back the number one spot. The person who suffers their anxiety and overcomes it without using another person as a drug is dealing with realism. That's you. You are looking out for number one now- and that means you'll need to be alone. No more fantasy. Let go of the crutches. Support yourself. Do not reengage to lean on someone who will let you fall time and time again. Do not waste your time and energy and experience in life by repeating failed solutions to your pain and loneliness.

This is a disorder- it is a non negotiable.  Stop asking so much of it and the person who suffers from it.

[Mason06]

2010, thanks for the reality check.  It helps to hear that directly sometimes.

[BillP]

Do I seek revenge? I think we all do, to at least a certain degree, for what these ppl have put us through. I hope she knows nothing but misery for the rest of her days. Reason being, at least on some level she definitely understands what she has done, not just to me, but to others before me, and those who will follow.

As far as boundaries go, for me, it's pretty simple, n/c. Never looking back, because I nor her can change was has happened. And this period of my life has changed me as a person for the rest of my days. Hopefully, for the better in my case.

My life currently is all about me, and what's in my best interest, not hers. I merely asked the question because as I read more about the illness and the behavior pattern, I am trying to make sure that my mind is as ready as it can be if the imaginable should occur. That is, her return. Which, I am still sticking to, that I am 99.9% sure she will never contact me in any way, shape or form. My life moves forward because I have no other option, nor do I seek one. She, or anyone like her, has no place in my future. That's just how I roll.

[JWS]

She, or anyone like her, has no place in my future. That's just how I roll.

You go brotha!